I have a friend, mid-forties, father of three, who has been battling cancer for about three years. It has spread now to his lungs and liver, and it is clear that he will not live. He has accepted this and stopped all but paliative care. My sense is that he is not "ready to go" yet, but now realizes that he is going to have to. I don't know what his spiritual "position" is, but have the strong urge to reassure him about the survival of the soul, and the rich eternal life that he will be returning to. On the other hand, I know how people feel when they are preached to or proselitized, And it must be even worse when they approach you while you are in such a vulnerable position. Thoughts?

You're right, it might be a very vulnerable situation. Blabbing on about spiritual matters is natural here, because the forum's designed for it.

"No, no, I know what's best for your colossal feet: size 4, fits everybody. Let's leave it at that and get on with it. Up next, my dearest android, let's curve fit those big lumps into these comfortable shoes. I love you!"

When I've been uncertain about telling someone something, I get a feel for them during a conversation with them, and have the intent of getting to know if they're up for it or not lingering in the back of the mind. A simple question at some point, maybe one that's barely scratching the surface of the topic can be enough to break the ice and so know how to proceed.

Size 10,5. Size 3. Size 9. The above is merely my way of doing it. 

I  think you should say something because it's what's in your heart with good intentions.  Even if you don't get the reaction you would like to have, your intentions remain the same, good ones.  Maybe it's part of the reason why he is your friend, and maybe this sitiuation is an opportunity for both of you.  You to open up and have the courage to do what's in your heart, and him to have a good friend help him see another perspective.  I see difficult situations as opportunities, and it's up to us how we decide to take it.

Hi Bardo,

I don't know if you want to hear from a newbie on this, but I thought I'd respond anyway and let you decide.

I come from a very toxic family and, as a result, was faced with the decision of caring for my dying grandmother alone. My family basically just ignored her and left her to die alone in her home. I was a full-time student and full-time employee (I was trying to support myself after being thrown out for no reason). I drove an hour each way to check on her several times per week and called her several times per day. It was becoming too much for me, physically and I asked her to move into my small apartment so I could look after her without constantly worrying. She was reluctant at first, but finally agreed to allow me to move her to my place.

One day, my grandmother sat me down and explained to me exactly what she wanted for her funeral and disposition of her material possessions. She was not rich by any means, but everyone has belongings that need to be managed. I began to cry and told her that I would find a doctor to help her and she would be okay. She reached across and laid her hand on top of mine and said "Dear, please don't cry. Grandma is going to die soon and I now know you are strong enough to handle this." (She had never made it a secret that my sister was her favorite grandchild). I dried my tears and listened to my grandmother's wishes...all of them. From that moment forward, my purpose was to honor her wishes, even those I didn't agree with (she chose not to have chemo or radiation or surgery). I asked God to give me the strength to be loving, compassionate and RESPECTFUL of the choices she made for her life and to help me help her end her journey how she chose. And, that is what I did. It was not easy. There were times that I locked myself in the bathroom and just sobbed with the shower running. My so called friends all but abandoned me because they said it wasn't my responsibility to care for her since my father was her next of kin. The problem was my father was not interested in being there and I had already been yelled at my countless oncology doctors who berated me for not "making him come to the meetings." For me, the issue was not who "should" be there, but that I could not, in my own heart, ignore her needs just because that was the easiest option. I didn't care that she didn't love me as much as she loved my sister. I didn't care that she let my father into her house one day because she was angry with me and stood by silently while he beat me into unconsciousness (I awoke in a pool of my own blood and crawled to the front door, collapsing on her porch where her neighbor found me and rushed me to the hospital). None of that mattered. ALL that mattered was my grandmother was dying and I could not watch her suffer and die alone. I am just not built that way.

The point I'm making is that as much as we want to share our viewpoint with others, let them know our truths, convince them to consider our side, the bottom line is everyone deserves the right to make the choices they deem right for their own lives. That doesn't mean we stop loving them or caring about them. The greatest gift we give one another is pure, uncomplicated, love. It doesn't come with strings. It doesn't come with restrictions. It doesn't come based on who they are or how they act. It's solely a gift from within that we freely and willingly give to another.

In your situation, I would probably buy my friend a book on the afterlife or one of those books about end of life decisions. That way, he will have the choice to complete it and talk about his decisions, if he chooses. I would also mention my own spiritual beliefs that the soul never dies. Depending on his sense of humor, you might even mention that Harry Houdini said he would leave a message for his wife after he passed and see how he reacts to that. The point is you don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or "put upon" during this time. Your presence in his life is a gift you both have been given and although this "season" will soon part, it is never broken.

My heartfelt sorrow for your friend, his family and you. As you know, we never die. All the moments, all the memories, all the joy live on in every person whose lives we've touched. And, we all meet in heaven (eventually) where love never ends.

Kind regards,
mj

Thank you all for your very different ideas on this subject. They are all obviously well considered and true to your views on life and death. I have been involved with this family for some time, as a friend helping out with the things that I can do in order to make things a bit easier for them. My family and I have done projects for them along the way, and of course we have been friends for some time, long before he got sick. So from that perspective, I think I have the "right" to discuss life, death and the afterlife with him. But you are all absolutely right in your assertion that the path one follows is his or hers alone, except to the extent one decides to let others in. I expect to be spending more time with him in the coming months, as I have undertaken a renovation of the family room in their home, to make things a bit more comfortable for everyone. I think I will just spend the time I have with him and trust my instincts as far as the afterlife is concerned. His needs and desires will guide my actions. Vicky, I wonder if you are right that this is my path as well as his....of course its tempting to think that I was meant to be here at this time. But that smacks of ego-centric giving, which I abhor.

crossbow wrote on Jan 18^th, 2012 at 10:36am:


What Crossbow said here is exactly what I'm talking about.  We are not always aware of what we receive or what we can receive when we give from the heart, i.e. give with good intentions rather than giving with certain expectations in mind. 

There's no reason to interpret an opportunity or things you may have arranged spiritually before coming into this life as ego-centric.  But if it makes you feel abhor, then just follow your heart, like I said.  So if it feels wrong to say anything, then don't.  If it feels right, then do.  That's all I'm saying.  I think what you feel as "abhor" has more to do with your fear of how your friend will react, which isn't what I'm talking about. 

Thank you all for your guidance. I will keep you posted as things go along. Any thoughts or suggestions are always welcome, whether from our newer friends or the more long standing members of this community. I would like to say that I value all of you greatly!

Well, here is an update. I spent the entire weekend working on their house with the whole family helping out. My friend was well enough to drive to the lumber yard with me and select the paneling and other materials that he wanted, so we had a couple of hours together, which I sensed that he wanted, because he would not allow any of his kids to come with us.  And as we were driving the half hour to our closest home center, he got talking. And as he talked he got into some detail about the process of dying, and about his kids and how it was hardest for them.  So at some point, I knew that the time was right. And I said something to the effect of.."Look, I will only say this once and then I will shut up, but..." and I simply stated my understanding that the soul survives physical death etc etc. Then he told me that he had had some experiences that could not be explained when he was younger, and after a few minutes of clarification we left it at that. I won't mention it again unless he wants to talk, but I don't regret having said it.