Hi There...I'm not on this board as often as I'd like, but am making a conscious effort to be here more often...and ironically, one of the reasons is that I fall into some pretty deep depressions...and life get's busy,and when I'm feeling particularly "yucky"...every little thing seems overwhelming...
However, I do like to peek in,and occasionally add my usually entirely too long two cents....and some of the posts I have read of yours make me laugh truly outloud...and NOT in any mean hearted way,either, and not b/c I think I have some hidden answers or anything negative like that..but simply b/c I can seriously "relate" to the emotion I feel behind some of your thoughts, and also I can understand, and have felt the same way many many times even in a day, of wishing for oblivion....and not surprisingly, I'm a recovering addict b/c one way I dealt with alot of my own outrage with certain things was to try and numb myself to a certain kind of oblivion.
Certainly from a young age I became disheartened by religions, but mostly b/c of the "politics"or hypocrisy that I felt from people themselves, though alot of the ideals are nice..and so am very eclectic in my spiritual views. I think I'd really have certainly done myself in if it wasn't for the experiences I've had myself all through life that I cannot explain..and as life has moved along, I keep learning,and growing,expanding my understanding...and I definately am not anything like "guru" material..
...and some days everything seems to fit so well,and others, well, ..not so...and perhaps I'm truly mentally ill or disillusioned,but whatever works, I guess I won't try to fix unless a better way shows itself....
Again, I write this with zero sleep being the insomniac I am...so be gentle...
I am one of those that definately believes in an afterlife...and I actually look forward to it....But only b/c of what I feel I have learned about it so far,and b/c I think it's so very individual, and we don't all fit in the same molds, so to speak..and the reason I look forward to it, is that I, too, have struggled with, and esp. lately, I admit, since depression lurks so close these days...the feeling that I'm almost "forced"to be in a place that I desperately wish I wasn't. I'm also one of those people that believe in reincarnation..and when I think of it, I also think that I may have even elected to come back here, and then I get disgusted with myself for having made such a decision...lol..
I also feel really out of touch with my physical self, so much of the time, and that's been so from a very young age...and there may be several reasons for it..but simply, I feel ill at ease,I think you could say, in this reality...I mean, I'm grateful for what I do have,my kids,and having basic needs, and can say that there are beautiful things in this world...but I feel like why?..why...some days, I really get upset, that if I could choose to come here, why I cannot choose to leave...I just can't bring myself to actually kill myself..and I've been guilty of saying myself that when someone dies their "work" must have been done here, and then think,my "work" must not be finished, but then I think, why can't I choose to continue it on the other side, instead of feeling like I'm just so tired I wish I could just slip into a dreamless sleep for a good long time. I just can't and there are several reasons, the effects it would have on any that love or depend on me..and there seems to be a universal spiritual taboo about it that I can "feel"better than explain..but I can really say,that I think I'm much more at home in my astral or spirit body,however one wants to call it..and some days I am angry too...feeling like a hostage, even...and then I feel guilty, b/c I feel like I should be more "A OK" with it,esp. since I have honestly had some really incredible and wonderful "spiritual awakenings" I guess is one way to say it...but they seem so fleeting some days, and perhaps that's b/c my depression might cut me off from that feeling of unconditional love I wish I could hold hostage, speaking of hostages...
I wish I had an answer(s)...and there's no way I will ever say my opinions are fact,but simply my reality, and I do appreciate the fact that you have the intestinal fortitude to express your feelings and thoughts so honestly.I feel lucky in one crucial way....even though I honestly don't enjoy my conscious life...at least esp. lately..not all the time, but there are times I intensely dislike just being here, and feel frustrated b/c I would like to enjoy life more...I know that there are people that have truly horrendous situations and are truly happy..and my hat goes off to them,and I would like to get there one day, and have had moments,glimpses..but the one thing that keeps me going some days, is the thought of the afterlife,mainly b/c of so many experiences with the "paranormal", and the consistency and/or similarities that they have with others that have had similar experiences, and the substance that alot of them hold.. hope,and love..etc..and I don't believe in any conventional heaven or hell scenarios...unless one makes that the reality by sheer will and expectation...but I feel..I have no scientific proof of my own to offer,but I deeply feel that the afterlife is a place that I excell in...I am a nerd by nature, and all those things I want to know/learn, I feel we can do there in a more unimpeded way,when not so distracted by physical survival, and the strife and agonies of this world...I think most of my pain probably is self made..but I feel that we forget much of what lies beyond during these short lifetimes(though it can seem long)for the reason of trying to act out or live spiritual principals that are obvious and readily available there..maybe a kind of "test"..or"practice"...I'm not equipped to share anything more than my own opinion..and I don't feel it comes from a wish-fulfillment place...b/c it just feels like I can "remember" bits and pieces of what is beyond, over, or whereever or however one wants to put it..and I feel that it is a place where we can choose a kind of oblivion, and/or "rest" from the struggles of this world if we choose...in my view...I just feel in my gut,that the afterlife is a place where we can make our realities much easier than be slaves to it...and I think that "enlightenment" in this earth plane, probably has alot to do with finding how to bring that into this world, into our lifetimes here....though I'm certain I have a loong way to go....lol....It's the one thing that keeps some sanity for me some days, it really does,b/c to really simplify it....to me it kind of feels like death will be like sliding into home base, or a place of sanctuary from the pains and trials of this world, and that can be different for us all.....
Ok...more than enough from me...but I feel the frustration..and I just wanted to respond in some way at least to say that even if we are very different, or have different views, different lives..etc...etc...that I think I can understand at least in part, how you are feeling...and I think it's an honest place to start for us all, identifying and expressing how we feel and think...and I'm always grateful for this board, to be free to express myself as well..the good, the bad,and the ugly...