Hi Boris - it's a hard road, but hang in there. There's light at the end of the tunnel.
Not sure how it is that confirming a basically unattractive message can somehow amount to help
, but the perception that especially mystical or esoteric traditions don't recognise the suffering that life in this existence is is probably a result of the happy happy message preached by few of the more populist varieties of religion.
I'm no expert and Buddhism is my greatest familiarity but in essence most of the spiritual traditions argue something along the following lines. Pardon the sloppy and matter of fact terminology - it's rushed, and it mixes all sorts of usages of words which may be a bit confusing:
1. This reality that we seem to exist in (cosmos, Samsara in Buddhist terminology, the reality that contains this whole cycle of life death, afterlife, re-birth and so on but not the absolute or true reality) seems on first appearance to be ordered on the dog eat dog principle.
2. It's the creation of the ego or collective mind (?) of all the beings (including humanity) that find themselves living in it. Not of God.
3. It's that way because having dreamed/dropped down to a state of consciousness that separated them from God (like in a dream - we lose awareness of other realities) we started to believe in the reality of individuality, started to behave out of self interest instead of love, and in doing so out of ignorance created a reality that functions on that basis.
4. Luckily we have retained (or can't avoid since it's a part of us?) a connection with God/higher mind - via soul/Grace/being a part of God/higher mind.
5. This connection sets up a fundamental tension in all our lives between the urge to live egotistically, or be driven by the delusion of self interest; and the urge to higher consciousness/to live out of love. God/grace or whatever is always there to help us, but free will means we have to reach out.
6. Higher awareness strengthens the God consciousness, while reduced awareness causes us to slide more deeply into the dog eat dog mentality, into efforts towards self/ego aggrandisment, and the suffering it causes for all of us. (how can a world full of individuals all convinced that the only thing that matters is their narrow personal interest be anything except a dog fight?)
7. The spiritual path is basically about raising awareness (it happens naturally out of among other things the reverses of life, but meditative practice/prayer/study/self exploration leads to faster changes in 'knowns' and speeds it up) so that eventually we become realised, or wholly conscious of God. We see existence from a different (no longer personal) vantage point, and so live through love. By coming to see past the dream that is this reality we become able to transcend it, or to return to the original union with God.
8. This entails our having transitioned to become something else - as a a result of coming to see the truth of love we we no longer see ourselves as ''self', and become and unable to act selfishly. It can be gradual, or it can be a flash of inspiration but essentially we tumble to the fact that the self and the reality it created was essentially not real - we come to see that love is the power which actually runs the world, that our perception that it is dog eat dog is only a selective one. (most who act lovingly find things falling out for the better in ways they could from the perspective of their everyday conditioning never have imagined) We transcend the conventional reality, and it ceases to cause us pain.
9. The problem with all of this is the ego that we have built and which created this reality in the first place - it's insatiably insecure. (since it keeps on trying to maintain the illusion that it's our true self, and that it runs the show) So it likes to chase after cars, men/women, big homes, money, power, whatever to make itself feel better. Others are more subtle and focus on being holier than thou, more knowledgeable than thou, a greater victim than thou or whatever. The short term transitory or often sneaky pleasures of this life.
And the more it succeeds in getting these the easier it is for it to maintain the delusion that it doesn't need God. It probably explains too why trouble, illness, death and the like in our lives tend to drive rapid spiritual opening - they pop the bubble the ego has frantically been trying to build.
10. The tough bit follows from the ego being the conventional personality through which most of us live. We mistakenly decide that it is 'me'. (although higher experience pretty quickly pokes a few holes in that delusion, and starts to show that self is something rather more fundamental) Meaning that in order for us to progress on the path or back to God and away from individuality the ego must progressively die. Every little step of awakening, every little illusion that gets dropped amounts to a little death, and as such is very raw and painful.
11. It hurts like hell if it goes fast. Which is why periods of true opening and experience are always followed pain. This is the true meaning of the 'dark night of the soul'. Didn't Jesus reportedly say something about the need 'to die that ye may live'?? It's not for nothing that there's an old adage that you basically need to have an urge to self destruction to be attracted to the spiritual path. The good news is that we seem to be provided with the means to cope too.
It's not in one way a particularly attractive view of things (it's going to hurt if you go up, but it's going to hurt a lot more if you slip back down), but it does have it's redeeming features. For example it provide a framework from within which it's possible to make sense of the suffering and pain that life delivers.
Not to mention that a taste of the old PUL somehow makes it all not so bad, although as we've talked the reception comes and goes depending on what's going on in your life at the time. (mental intensity/fear/feeling uppity and the like - the screams of the ego - tend to cause interference) ....
A few verses on this very topic:
Yearning
We walk
Deluded and alone
Yet drawn by spirit
Self burns in light’s clear flame
Towards emptiness
Impending doom
An end
And yet
Awakening
Or:
Care worn,
Love lorn,
Lost,
Yet not.
All wise,
Big heart,
Awake,
Not yet.
Still caught,
‘Tween views,
Torn,
Raw heart.
or
The light
Creeps in
This multicoloured dawn
Brings joy
With pain
Love..