Wanderer
Ex Member
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Dear all,
First thank you again Alysia and Marylin and Kyo for your support and understanding.
I have forgiven myself and it was a lot easier than I thought, because to be as open as I am one must first believe in him- or herself.
I always thought I was a good person on the wrong track and now I feel I have indeed changed my ways, but even when I was on the wrong track I chose the best way I knew, which led me here. I am still unashamed of my mistakes, but I am willing to take responsibility for them, as I am truly sorry.
At this moment, I am cleaning the fear out of me and I feel the love I give becomes better and better.
I believe I am here to be open, because I need other people to see it is possible. Me being here is a result of my inside quest to simply become what I am.
My soul is not a secret, because I think I should open up without fear and if there is fear, I intend to deal with it.
I had the most wonderful dream tonight: I dreamt that I was walking on a muddy path, surrounded by 4 people. We entered a house in which there was an evil spirit, who introduced himself as being the ghost of fear.
Once in the house we were imprisoned. The dark spirit attacked us and the 4 people in the house, who had been following me, said I had mislead them. They said they had thrusted me and that I had led them the wrong track. I did not listen to them, because I am responsible for my faith and so are them.
By following me, I think they might have shown they were lost, afraid or seeking approval outside themselves. I can understand. I loved their company, but I refused to be blamed for following my own way and for their decision to follow me.
I did not tell them that, because if they find hope with me, I would not want to break it. To me, hope is the path towards happiness and love. Like the light in the darkness, even far away.
For some reason the ghost attacked me. Telling me he would teach me fear and that I would remain his prisoner. I said I only wanted to love him and that I could teach him how to become loving. I said something like : "Come here. I will give you a hug."
He did not believe me and send fear straight into my core. Then I told him this was pointless, because I know how to process this, having met all possible fears before. As I am open now, an enormous amount of fear entered my core. I felt it flow in me, awaking my real fears. I talked to myself and the fear vanished inside of me in a flow of warmth.
Then the ghost told me that I was allone. That there was nobody to help me and that the door was locked. I walked to the door with iron bars like a prison. I shook the bars, but the door was locked indeed.
I asked the ghost to open it and he refused. I told him he was right: I was alone my way in this house, but I am not alone in this life and even if I were, what matters is what I make of a situation, with my state of mind. Because heaven and hell starts in the heart. I had faith other people with good intentions were waiting for me outside and that they would not let me down.
I said that if I was his prisoner, I would willingly stay with him and teach him love. And although I am not used to him, I pushed all the love I had in my core towards him.
Then I felt the ghost think : "Oh no, this is going to be hell. What did I bring her here!" And that was so funny, I was smiling. I was amused by his conception of hell.
The ghost continued to tell me everything I feared to hear or go through and I was thanking him for teaching me what I should strengthen inside myself, for giving me an opportunity to learn. I said to him : You cannot really be evil. This is just a test.
I said again to the ghost that I wanted to love him. I came closer to him to hug him. For a brief instant, I saw the spirit making a gesture of hope towards me.
Than one of the people with me, came up behind me and told the ghost : "I am going to kill you". And I was like : Did I say that? who said that? I could not have said that, but it came from behind me. But I did not see who said it.
The ghost thought I had said it and took distance, with distrust. And I thought it was maybe not his time to be freed from his prison.
The doors of the house were open now.
Next thing, I thought the place looked so sad and all of a sudden there was light in the house, the plants were green and people were having a tea-party. The ghost was looking in fear in the corner of the room near the basement, it had lost control.
This morning, I felt I really squeezed something out of my core. It feels like a muscle fully used for the first time. I feel good.
I am very happy about something that I normally would experience as a nightmare.
I hope I will be given more opportunities like tonight.
With very much (improved) love,
Wanderer
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