Lowri's post:

I am really sorry if this post upsets some people, but I am at my whits ends looking for answers.
_______
don't apologize dear, this forum is yours also i assure u!
________

For years, I have suffered with mental illnesses (depression and self-harm). It all comes down to the fact that i hate myself and feel unlovable (i put this down to my adoption)
______
well, if it helps any, I was rejected by my mother, then adopted, then rejected by my foster family, and well, here I am. it's not your fault, trust me.
________


For years i have been unable to cope with life, even the simplest things panic me. I often feel that I have been a mistake, because I have done nothing right since being alive. I have abused my body to extremes, and don't seem to get better.
______
yes I understand the ways we can hate ourselves also. mother said I forced myself through her womb, so you see it can become highly believable as a child. please do not believe it. you have a right to be here.
__________


I recently went to see a hypnotherapist, who bought up my feelings of being unloved from my subconscious, and once i faced that, even though it was extremely painful (physically and mentally) i felt a whole lot better.
___________
so u see it does help to talk things out. it's a process, so keep it up, keep talking like u are now. u are not alone here as it may seem.
________
I feel that i have learned to love myself, and regret every single day that i spent self-harming and hating myself. Everyone keeps saying that this is my second chance, but as i am covered in horiffic scars, i feel I am unable to.
_______
you've started the healing process but the scars are still there. give yourself time. scars can fade. whenever I feel blue, I buy myself flowers or some little thing as if to say to myself, gee, you're swell!
________


Are there babies that haven't healed yet from past lives, and aren't ready to be released back into the human world?
________
well, I've heard of this situation of coming back in too soon, not spending enough time inbetween lives to plan more but I don't know about your plan. it does seem you've got a lot on your plate and some of us do feel overconfident about leaping into a body. I predict a very strong soul coming to the fore here in you because suffering itself seems to suggest there is a place on the other side of suffering which you approach near to.
__________


I am very weak, physically and mentally. I have attempted sucide several times, but have survived. I feel that i am being punished for something I did in my past life. The biggest punishment i feel i have, is that my biggest wish is to die, yet I am terrified of dying! I am so scared I will be sent to Hell for abusing my body and not taking full advantage of what God has given me. My body and mind is so damaged, that i feel i can't go on.
____________

you are not weak. you "think" you are weak. I don't believe in karma anymore so I think you are the one punishing yourself with this belief. no one will send you to hell. you are appearing to me as I was not so long ago. since I am an angel (well, most the time) you are looking beautiful in my sight. we will support u here, and remember there are such a thing as guardian angels.
_________

All i can feel is pain, I have never been happy, although i am intelligent, quite pretty, with a lot of good things in my life. I have inflicted pain on myself, and others around me for years, and i can't seem to stop.
_______
I know it's hard. one time when I was losing it, the will to live, I had a guide, a still small voice which said to go outside and pull a weed in the garden. as I pulled the weeds I forgot how sad I was for awhile. thank god for the mechanism of forgetting one's pain for the moment. I would return to the pain of being in a body often. I did not want to live here and experience life. I told my guides, rather the air, as I knew not if I was heard, that I needed assistance or I would leave soon. I would wait then. I told them I could not wait forever, so hurry up and deliver. I know I'm presumptious. but then it worked. I received a book which changed my life shortly. A Course in Miracles. this was my answer. it may not be yours. I would hope that you can place your call also as I did, and that your answer will come. keep hope in this direction, that you need not suffer once you understand that it is only a belief system that started from birth or further back.
_________


Will I be forgiven for abusing the body that God gave me? Or did He intend for me to do all these things, because He created my mind so imperfect?
______
of course u are forgiven. you are confused for a time here; twas not God who created you imperfect; god makes no junk. we are the creators. what do u wish to see? feel? experience? give yourself permission to hope. it's one moment at a time here, then it becomes one day to get through at a time, then just when you're starting to enjoy yourself, it's all over. kinda funny when it works that way. You're only 22, you're going to see some marvelous world changes coming up soon.
________

Every time I try to commit suicide, something holds me back, even though i am at the end of my tether. It's like someone is trying to stop me from dying. Sometimes i feel that i am already dead, and that i'm in limbo. Wanting to die, but unable to because of my fear of death!
_______
your higher self is trying to tell you to hang in there, it was no mistake that u were born. I feel u have some work you need to get done before leaving.
_________


I am not looking for excuses to die, as I know that I will never take my own life. Because I will have to live my life as best I can, and wait until He decides my fate.
______
well, u could try talking to him. he does listen. sometimes it take a few days for him to provide feedback, but like I said, if u ask him to hurry up, it does work really well! he's bound to ask your opinion though what a fate is. personally, that's a real tricky question to spring on him. is why it may take him awhile to get his notes together. just my experience.
_______

The question I have is: is suicide cheating? Because has He given me all these reasons to I can't live with myself, because he wants me to die? Or is it my choice to kill myself?
______
it's more like a partnership thing. higher self, or god, kinda hangs out a lot scratching his head, as he wonders now what is Lowri up to? what is she gonna do with the free will I passed out? is she gonna ask me for help? when will she know how much I love her?
_______


I really hope this post makes sense! I have tried so many times, and been close to death, but have survived. I've given up now, because i realise that this isn't the right thing for me to do. I have to live.
______

it makes perfect sense to me since I lived it myself. I'm glad you're not so facinated with death anymore, so that you say u have to live. pretty soon you will want to live. I feel this is coming. there is great and tremendous joy in store for you because it takes courage to live here. the one who chooses death has no courage. i feel you are growing stronger each day and I'm glad u came here. please feel free to post what u feel as this is a most loving family!

       laugh at the rain, the truth will set u free.                        

Quote:


From the research I have done on clinical depression, self-hatred, and self-harm, it seems that a lack of endorphins in the brain can be to blame in certain cases.  Especially cases where a person feels compelled to cut their own flesh, get lots of tattoos and piercings, whip themselves, pull out their hair, etc.  Doing these things stimulate the release of endorphins, so bodily harm can literally be like a drug addiction if you don't have enough endorphins naturally.  Most antidepressant drugs do not increase endorphins, only serotonin or other brain chemicals.

Two ways to find out if you need more endorphins are:

1.  Vigorous physical exercise -- if it makes you feel better mentally, then you probably suffer from a chronic endorphin deficiency.  Exercise releases endorphins (the "runner's high").

2.  Certain nutritional supplements can boost the level of endorphins (D-phenylalanine and Stabilium are two of them if I remember correctly) -- if you try such things and feel better mentally, you probably suffer from a chronic endorphin deficiency.

I am not a doctor, but I have read a lot about stuff like this.  If you haven't already, you might wish to discuss the possibility of endorphin deficiency with your doctor or psychiatrist, and do some reseach of your own.

Quote:


You could also have deficiency of some hormones which might be contributing to your depression and weakness.  If you haven't already, get a good thyroid test, and a good adrenal gland test for cortisol and DHEA based on saliva samples.  You may also want to look into levels of sex hormones such as estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone.  Another thing to consider is your digestion.  If you have bad digestion or problems in the intestinal tract such as candida yeast, leaky gut syndrome, or undiagnosed food and chemical sensitivities, it can cause physical weakness as well as mental illness.

Quote:


The karma theory where you get difficulties on earth as punishment doesn't make much sense to me.  Weak souls would just be totally overwhelmed by a difficult life, and would be unable to grow very much from the experience.  A child learning addition and subtraction doesn't get anywhere if you give him calculus problems.  So, if you have a life of misery, it is likely that you are ready for the challenge and God put you in this life to challenge your soul to grow even stronger.  Souls that are already quite strong are the ones sent to tackle hellish lives on earth.  It's sort of like the way an experienced mountain climber will try a huge peak like Denali or Everest, but a beginner would never do so.  Beginner souls are the ones who are given easy lives.  Only advanced souls get especially hard lives.  That's my theory, anyway, for what it's worth.

Quote:


Try to go on as long as you can, and make the best of it.  God is not judging you for the circumstances He put you in.  If He gave you mental illness, well, how can He blame you for that?  It's not as though it was your choice.  Besides, there is no such thing as a hell of eternal torture.  If you have any doubts about this, I encourage you to visit my website, http://www.seejesuschrist.net , where you can learn that true Biblical Christianity does not teach this sadistic and repulsive doctrine.  You must try as hard as possible to believe that God is not sitting up there on a throne with a clipboard, checking off all your sins and waiting to throw you into hell if your performance in life was "not good enough."  God is not some kind of cosmic Saddam Hussein who delights in throwing people into molten lava where He can watch them writhing and screaming in agony for millions of years, just because they didn't please Him enough.  On the contrary, God is perfect love.

Quote:


You are already forgiven, and if God created you mentally ill, He cannot judge you for that.  God is just and merciful.

Quote:


I believe suicide should only be a last resort in truly hopeless cases.  When mental illness becomes extreme and untreatable, suicide is probably justified -- that is, for the severely mentally ill who are too sick for medicine to help and whose lives have become totally unproductive, intolerable, and even hurtful to other people.  Suicide rates for the intractable mentally ill are in the range of 20% to 50% depending on the specific type of illness.

If you can still do something of value with your life (which it sounds like is the case), then it would be better to keep living rather than choose death.  It is a challenge to overcome major disabilities and obstacles in life, but a challenge which can strengthen the soul and is therefore valuable if you are able to do it.  God knows that your current life is a challenge to you and He is understanding, and He has put you in this life to give you an opportunity for spiritual growth.

I do not believe God condemns people who kill themselves, simply because there is not a single sin a person can commit that is forever unforgivable.  However, I do believe that most suicides are unfortunate and probably the wrong choice.  People are often way too hasty about choosing suicide.  Nevertheless, everyone is a sinner and there is ultimate forgiveness for all souls God has ever created, according to the Bible.

I share with you my thoughts which arise from my own personal experience of struggling with chronic clinical depression and other chronic illnesses of mind and body, and having to integrate my own life experience with my spiritual beliefs.  When I used to be a fundamentalist Christian, I was terrified that I was not good enough to be saved and could end up suffering forever in hell.  Now I know better.  I hope you will be able to overcome your own fear of hell and realize that God cannot condemn you for things about yourself which are beyond your control, which in fact He determined and are written into your genes and your life script.

Most importantly, please study the Bible and learn the truth that God does not condemn anyone, but saves everyone in the end.  That is the original Gospel of Jesus Christ -- the Good News of hope for all people.  Other gospels, the gospels of damnation and eternal torture in hell-fire, are nothing but perversion and blasphemy.  God is good, and God loves you with an infinite love beyond your wildest dreams. 

Best wishes,
Freebird

Hi Lowri,

  I agree somewhat with Freebird and would like to make a couple of suggestions.   F.B. is right, people with depression often have imbalances within the body which then has a emotional and mental effect over the long term.   The mind-body and body-mind connection is simply amazing.   But, I would caution you not to go to an M.D. or traditional psychologist because though many mean well, they simply do not know much about what really cures depression and bodily ills.  You will have a high chance of them putting you on pharmaceutical anti-depressant meds which will only make your situation worse.   
   I had severe depression when younger, and you may have read about my suicidal feelings and attempt.  I found some info which really helped me, and much of it was diet and health related.  When the body is balanced and healthy, it makes it easier for a person to feel joy and all of the pleasurable emotions in life. 
    I will not lie to you, if you are serious in your attempt to get well both mentally and physically, it will take hard work and self-discipline.   It did in my case and many others I have known, at least.   First thing that would be really helpful for you, is to cut out virtually all junk foods, especially ones with a lot of refined sugars and empty carbohydrates.  I highly recommend a health book called, Alkalize or Die by Dr. Theodore Baroody.   But I will cover some of the basics here for you. 
  Try to eat more natural foods, and avoid most processed foods, especially avoiding all foods that have preservatives in them.  If it has a long and funny name in the label, try and avoid it.  If you can afford it, try and eat organic, this is better for you and you also get the good feeling that you are helping out the environment.
  If you are a meat eater, it often helps to cut way down on beef and pork products and stick more to fowl and fish.   To compensate for this cutting back on the heavy vibration meats, you may need to eat more foods with absorbable Iron in them, especially being a woman.  The grains Quinoa and Amaranth have a lot of Iron and are the only grains that have the full protein content (all the essential amino acids, plus some)—they are very nutritious overall and are the only alkaline forming grains there are (you can find them at any organic and natural food store).  In general, try to eat more fresh vegetables and fresh fruits, but don’t eat them at the same meal.   Also don’t eat fruits and grains at the same meal, because they digest very differently.  Heavy proteins like meats do not digest well with grains or fruits, so you may want to avoid combining them in the same meal.  Light proteins like yogurt, nuts, or beans can be eaten with grains though—only somewhat acid forming.   
    For a little while, you might want to look into using digestive enzymes and gradually taper off.   Yogurt is the only cow milk product that is good for you and easily digestible, plus it gives many beneficial organisms which help break down toxic wastes in your colon.   Yogurt gets rid of excess yeasts and bad bacteria’s.  Yeast and all bad bacterias feed off acid wastes, and especially love refined sugar.   So try an use honey, sucanat (the rawest form of cane sugar), or agave nectar (essentially Cactus juice) if you need sweetening in your beverages.
   The other very important thing is regular exercise.  No, you don’t have work out endless hours at a gym or spend money on expensive equipment.  Best exercise in the world and one with the least side effects is walking and it is great for digestion.  Start about 20 minutes at first and work your way up gradually to what is comfortable to you.  Every other day is generally a good rule.   If you can walk in nature, and it is safe for you, this would be preferable for the fresh air and healing energies of nature. 
   Reading literature of an uplifting or humorous nature often helps.  Try to listen to uplifting and harmonious music, music can be and is very healing.  There have been many studies confirming that music, especially harmonious, melodic, and uplifting music is very good for emotional and mental imbalances.  And you may want to look into a very effective and safe herb for depression called St. John’s Wort, it has been tested extensively in Germany and other European countries.   The only side effect that I know of is that it makes those with a light Germanic or Celtic complexion even more sensitive to the Sun, so you burn easier.   

     This may help you as well; go out and volunteer your time to those less materially fortunate than you.   See if there are any shelters or food pantries that need your time and help, there almost always are.   Helping others and being active, helps you; it makes you feel good about your self and you also have less time to think about your own problems.
   You could even look into being a Big Sister or something similar, there are so many ways to lose yourself in service to others.  Try different art forms like writing (especially poetry), drawing, painting or what not.   This helps to get “stuff” out.   If you follow some of the more major suggestions here, and you find it helps you, you may want to look into meditation.  It is great for calming, centering, not only the mind and emotions but the body.  During meditation your body releases an alkaline forming enzyme called Chyle (may be spelled wrong).   It has so many benefits, that you could write huge books about it, and people HAVE. 

Hope you get well and learn to love yourself.

Hi Raphael,

Nope, you didn't burst any bubbles here, but you're right--I mixed up the exact terms of "psychologists" and "psychiatrists".  But i have heard of cases where a psychologist knows a doctor(s) who did learn about and can prescribe drugs, and they recommend their patient to them to get a prescription.  
 I think many psychiatrists and even psychologists at times are way too quick to put people on these meds.  You wrote, "Pills don't cure everything".  Well, in my opinion they don't cure anything!  
 Many, many (not all granted)  Medical doctors, Psychiatrists, and even sometimes Psychologists alike often just treat symptoms.   They are in the business of treating symptoms, and there is so many tie ins of the various Medical Associations with the pharmacuetical companies, then to the Universaties (and their fundings from various corporations) and even with the FDA it is sickening to me personally.  This is particularly true in the U.S. perhaps the most hiddenly corrupt country in the world.
 Some are sincere and just don't know any better and are too busy to learn other alternative means, but judging just from the history of Allopathic medicine, they have been unmerciful to those with alternative ideas about health and healing.  Look at the struggle that Chiropractors faced, and still face in trying to do what they believe is right.
 They only ones that rarely fall into that category, speaking generally, are Chiropractors.   They are actually interested in healing.  
  And even psychiatrists, who primarily deal with the mind, do not cure anything.  All healing comes from self, and through a connection to that All Healing Source, whether this has the influence or catalyst from a psychiatrist, a dietician/nutritionist, a psychologist, and even at times medical doctors.  You cannot be healed/cured unless you want to be.
   Guess my diatribe is over   And if u don't like what i say,  as my little bro, when younger and got mad at you, would say, "Go stick your head in a bucket"  

Hi Lowri,

I completely forgot to mention another very important aspect of health.  If you can afford it, you may want to think about going to see a Chiropractor.   Sometimes when your back is misaligned, it impinges on certain nerves which carry electriciy to and from the brain to all organs in the body, in certain cases this can even have an extreme mental and emotional effect.  There was a person who all of a sudden went from being a nice, gentle man with his family, to suddenly being a brute, behaving irrationally, and even attacking his family.  He was diagnosed as insane, but someone got a reading from Edgar Cayce for him.   The Source said that he had suffered an accident which messed up his back, caused some lesions and subluxations and very adversely affected his mental/emotional state.  All this just from spinal problems.  
  Someone gave him the proper adjustments as outlined in the Readings and he eventually became "normal" and his old gentle self again.
  Don't worry about not being able to afford it, if you don't have insurance.  Chiropractors take an oath when they graduate to help all regardless of financial compensation.  Lots of times they will put you on a long time payment plan of a low amount, or just slash a big chunck of the bill right off.  
 
 Boy, would i like to see M.D.'s, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists do that as a general principle, "By their fruits, ye shall know them"