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How does one forgive oneself? (Read 682 times)
Carol Ann
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How does one forgive oneself?
May 4th, 2019 at 1:43am
 
It has been a very long time since I have visited this forum. The topic of Spiritual Healing is much needed. Last August, 2018, I had a heart attack---from a blocked artery. A stint was put in, and like magic-- I walked out of the hospital 48 hours later. I never feared for my life. I felt "comfortable" about my circumstances. I have reviewed my life, many times, and can not find a way to forgive myself and really FEEL the forgiveness for past words that were said. You see--- I'm one of those---loud mouth, big mouth, blabber mouth, Miss Know-it-all. It gets thrown at me even when I no longer am so guilty of blatantly telling the truth at all times. It's not easy living as a Mr. Spock. Recently, a childhood friend passed. My husband and I went to the funeral and Bereavement Luncheon.  We talked to family and friends. Most of all, I remember how I embarrassed this deceased friend when I was only 15 years old during a dinner because I said jokingly to the priest who was with the youth group-- Father, you can save you steak bone for me. I'll give it to my dog". Well-- that caused a distinct anger with the group (not the priest, though) and I heard this friend say "Oh, that big mouth Carol. She had to embarrass us!" Needless to say, I was miserable the rest of the evening. The others with him agreed and I was shunned. I have many other stories like this, just floating around in my memory and I just cant seem to forgive myself---- with compassion and finality. I meditate and pray and know that there is Karma.  I am not afraid of death and the Review of my life---. I have forgiven other who "hate" me or "tolerate" me. (My own sister told her friend that she only tolerates me because I'm her sister.) So, how can one truly forgive ones self for the misery, anger, hurt and sadness I have caused in this lifetime with my words-faster-than-lightning and just as deadly as a lightning bolt??? Self examination only brings me more misery and doubt about myself as a "good soul".  Much love to all--- Hugs from Carol Ann
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« Last Edit: May 5th, 2019 at 12:20am by Vicky »  
 
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Vicky
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Re: How does one forgive oneself?
Reply #1 - May 5th, 2019 at 12:36am
 
Hi Carol Ann.  First let me say thank you for joining back on the forums here.  It's always nice to have a familiar "face" back  Smiley

And second, I hope you don't mind but I split off your post to give it its own thread because I felt it deserved it.  There's a lot to talk about in your post. 

Also, I'm so sorry to hear about your heart attack and I'm glad you're doing so well.  My half sister recently just had a heart attack as well. 

The topic of healing is a biggie for me and I'm no longer embarrassed to bring up the topic in everyday life.  Recently my chiropractor told me he needs to have a procedure done on his spine.  Of course it's a big deal to him as his career is at stake.  So when I saw him a week later, just a day before his procedure, I let him know that I'd been doing focused intention and attention and visualization on him all week, for everything to go smoothly, his docs to know what they're doing, and that healing will take place.  "It's what I do.  I love using my energy this way".  Of course he said thank you, and we've become friends so he knows and also shares my beliefs so he was genuinely grateful. 

But you bring up such a delicate subject, how do we forgive ourselves so that we can allow ourselves to heal, and move on, and grow?  I think it's one of the hardest things we learn to do in this life.  And it can take us many years of holding onto painful memories and things we're ashamed of.

I think the simplest answer is that as long as we're also holding onto the state of being of those feelings, we're never going to truly be able to let go, forgive, and move on.  We need to literally shed the past version of who we used to be and move into a new version of who we want to be, and it takes being consciously aware of it every time it crops up.  The pain will crop up and instead of dismissing it you have to consciously remind yourself, "This is one of those painful memories that I'm forgiving myself about."  Let yourself feel the pain for a moment, and then let it go.  My own practice with this type of thing is literally to practice doing it until it's over.  Allow yourself to know and expect it to be difficult, but at the same time you also allow yourself to be proud of letting go and forgiving yourself.  That's the only way to truly make the transition.  For me the big thing I still hold onto and need to make the transition about from my past is being insecure.  Every time I start to feel insecure about something, I have to remind myself that it's something I forgive myself about, and that I'm acknowledging it, and letting it go, and then I just practice being more confident even though it's sometimes not easy and sometimes it's awkward.  But it works.  It's like a little big of that insecurity chips away each time. 

So Carol, what did the priest say to you that night?  Did he give you the bone?
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Carol Ann
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Re: How does one forgive oneself?
Reply #2 - May 6th, 2019 at 11:04am
 
Hey, Vicky--- The Priest smiled then said nothing. He also did nothing. He was the chaperone for the group of about 30 kids. Over the years, I came to know the priest a little more, and he never mentioned the incident.
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Baroness
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Re: How does one forgive oneself?
Reply #3 - May 16th, 2019 at 12:30pm
 
Hello, Carol Ann,
I'm writing for two reasons.  One, I know how you feel about saying things a bit out of tune with the rest of the song going on at that moment, and two, I watched a child and then the man struggle with that same tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time even though it was the truth. 
We all want to fit in.  Most of us learn to think over and apply breaks to our mouths before we speak, but some of us don't have the breaks.  What we think...we speak.  A trait I look for in friends as a person always knows where they stand with  them.  They don't usually lie. 
A story...I promise I will come to the point.  I had an infant come into this world at three pounds totally surprised at being here.  If he was awake, his eyes were wide open.  He'd look at me as if I did this to him.  He had a twin who looked like a Gerber baby and was all smiles.  People reacted accordingly.  Little Gerber baby got picked up and held, played with and loved.  I would pick up my little surprised child, bring him in close and cuddle him. 
The first few months of those babies lives were exciting as they grew and learned at different rates.  At four months the tiny baby began to catch up, at six months was the same size and at eight months was bigger, stronger and ahead mentally than his twin.  I soon discovered each baby had his own talents and good qualities.  Each was worth the time I spent watching, playing with and holding, but they were so different from each other.
Skip ahead eight years.  Gerber baby is out playing with the kids in the neighborhood.  Surprised baby is in the house correcting the encyclopedia.  I would have to take his books away for an hour everyday and order him outside to get some sunshine.  We lived on an island with all that meant.  I didn't want him spending all his time enclosed in walls.
Skip ahead another eight years.  Both boys have jobs and cars, but surprised boy is now lonely because he has no close friends besides his brothers and even they are frequently embarrassed by him.  He thinks faster than most people, so most people can't keep up with him in a conversation.  He always tells the truth so if you don't want to hear it, don't ask.  His thoughts are so fast I have to teach him how to slow them down to be able to stay with his peers.  That puts a hesitation into his speech as he brings himself back to where the others are.  Life keeps getting harder for him as he gets older because he doesn't quite fit.
One day I'm put on medication to help control pain.  I soon discover it lifted all my inhibitions...all my blocks to saying everything I think.  I started to embarrass myself left and right.  One day my son looked at me and gave me a small smile.  "Now, Mom you know how I feel."
So, Carol Ann, don't be so hard on yourself.  A bit of advice I got from a very wise woman some time back.  I was feeling bad over a mother's decision I had made that could have been better.  She asked me, "Did you do the best you could do at the time.?" When I said yes, she said, "think about it."
We can only do the best we can do at the time.  We should forgive ourselves.  It is only fair.

Hugs,
T'ressa
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