Petrus
Full Member
Offline
Afterlife Knowledge Member
Posts: 130
Gender:
|
I'm fairly sure I committed suicide at the end of my last incarnation. I had a lot of recurring dreams about it when I was younger, and I've always had a strong fear of heights and falling. (The suicide method was jumping off the roof of a house)
While I can't remember a lot in the way of specifics, I *can* say that I don't believe that it solved my underlying problem. I'm also inclined to believe that I committed suicide in 1974, and came back in 1977; so I didn't spend a lot of time in the Afterlife before being bounced back.
Basically I'd become sick of physical life, more or less in general; and as my natal chart reasonably strongly indicates, there had to be a strong degree of persuasion used to get me to come back this time. I get the feeling that I was told in no uncertain terms that, while there were acceptable ways of permanently leaving the ELS, if that's what I wanted, suicide wasn't one of them.
I just didn't want to be on Earth at all any more, and truthfully for most of this lifetime, it's been an effort for me to become motivated to interact with other people. That has been more true than ever before, since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. I'm tired of the way people treat each other. The contemporary idea of normal human behaviour, is where (as one example) an elderly person can collapse in the middle of the road, or get run over, and it will be maybe one in 20 motorists who will stop and help them.
Most people never learn anything, either; it is just the same pattern, over and over again, while the profit motive dominates literally every facet of human existence. The repetition in that sense, is the main thing I get deeply tired of. It is both agonising and entirely pointless.
Was I punished? I'm actually inclined to answer yes, truthfully. I'm autistic currently, and something tells me that is a punishment for the suicide. I also had a kidney removed at 13, and I've tended to believe that that happened in order to prevent me from being able to engage in a lot of drug or alcohol abuse, which I suspect I did in the previous lifetime, as well.
I don't know how to engage with other people and have it become something positive, either. The last several times when I've tried, have generally resulted either in me nearly being killed, or getting into seriously psychologically abusive situations which have only reduced my desire to interact with people even more.
At this point, I'm not focused on too much more than survival, and the limited computer use I'm able to engage in. Loneliness is gradually becoming more and more of a problem, recently, and I'm not sure how to deal with that yet, either. I don't think the answer is going to be to try and get involved with someone else again; I've been there and done that, and I am not interested in putting my wellbeing on the line to that extent again.
|