Terethian
Ex Member
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I know what I am, I just don't understand it completely.
While high on drugs, I had the epiphany that:
"I am a thought."
This does not mean I cannot be based on psychical cells combined which create thought. I do not know what the thought that is me comes from.... I cannot prove how it exists and where it comes from.
Then I thought, most likely, I am a thought. A passing thought, thinking for a short time, and then gone. Destroyed. Thoughtless.
Sure, it's also possible I am something more than a thought kept alive because of a body... but you cannot prove this to me.
My thoughts will live in agony and constant panic attacks due to the uncertainty. I so love life.
Actually I wish this was over. If I am this entity, this thing, possessing a psychical body, it stands to reason that I may choose to leave it at any time.
I choose to leave and never come back. This is horrible. I want to be what I am, not pretend to be something else. This entire existence is just a useless experience. My thought has traveled beyond this. What I feel, what others feel, the useless things I think I have to do. It's all pointless you know. And when I return to being a metaphysical being I will see it all as well. Even fun little fantasies and things I can concoct which may seem so real and fun are all nothing. Nothing and everything at the same time. No single word to describe it. Ultimately though I see the point is nothing. Don't you see? It only matters because we think it does. Nothing matters. If I would destroy the entire world, the entire existence, would it really make a difference? Things would be different or perhaps exactly the same since you cannot base anything on anything when nothing matters.
(The is no difference between a living body and a dead body, they are both made up of the same number of cells. - Dr Manhattan.)
I want to leave. I want to become the alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. Something and nothing.
Oh yeah and before people hate on me I am not seriously addicted to drugs. I drink 1 to 3 glasses of wine a week or a few beers. I smoke sometimes yet I don't even enjoy it... Smoking the ganja is always followed by a return of my floating thoughts to death. My death, rotting, twitching, blood drained from the corpse death. Blackness. Nothingness. The End. These thoughts are guaranteed to come in fact. I am really really most likely not gonna smoke in the future. Drinking doesn't effect my mind.... I just wish it was safer to drink.
I need an absolute truth. I need an absolute complete PROVABLE fact that there is an afterlife, this is what happens. Here is the scientific test you can perform to prove it. This is it. The one thing that will put my mind to rest. Well, If I could see dead and or hear dead people that would work.
Satan devil, Jehova God, whatever powers that may be, I call forth upon you. Send me the powers to contact the dead. Do you not understand? I don't care if I have trouble sleeping from constant speaking. I don't care if "demons" come and tell me bad things and I go crazy from it.
At least I can go crazy AND have proof of an afterlife. In the end this proof is everything to me. If I fail to obtain it..... then that means what happens is not guaranteed.
I have firmly established my fear of death, my phobia of death. It is rooted firmly in my soul. My fear is constant, continuous, it negatively effects my life. I am not living my life, I am slogging through it, only thinking of my death.
Come on. Dead spirits, come to me. I call you. I call all of you. Come all at once. Come into my dreams. Haunt me. Show me you are real. Scare the crap out of me. I call you with text, I call you verbally, I call you with my mind. ALL of you. Come to me. Prove yourself. Mess with me. Make me freak out from strange things. I challenge you. I seek you. I need you. Do your worst.
After all of this you know what happens? All of this begging for contact? What in the world is the end result?
....... nothing.
Then you reply to me, well of course, you expect nothing so you get nothing.
Ahh my friend, this is not completely true. 1. It's true that I do not expect a result whatsoever. 2. I do hope for a result, I want one.
If you ask me the wanting should be enough to make it through, especially when I want it this badly.
I am selfish. I tell you now I would do anything for the truth. I would pay anything. I would kill anyone. I would destroy the world. If I had a nuclear bomb and a button in front of me, I would hit it if that was what it took to prove an afterlife exists. I would suck the life and soul from every being in this world if it meant the continuation of my existence. My selfishness is complete, utter, terrible. I feel no remorse. I feel only what I consider a natural reaction.
Actually that would be pretty cool. I love sci-fi. I would be the bad guy. I accept this as a fact. I am at terms with it. I don't feel bad. I am inherently selfish, evil. Of course, since none of this is possible I am pretty nice on the outside.
Isn't there someone that can help me? I am begging for help. Please. What do you want? all of my money? Want me to be your slave? Whatever, I just need absolute scientific proof. The kind that is so complete that everyone can publish it in a text book and sell it and teach it in schools. Nothing short of this will suffice.
I am in torment. Yes. torment. turmoil. I am lost. I am without hope. I have no faith since faith is not logical.
I want to stupidly believe in an afterlife. I want to be content and smile when I look at grave stones, knowing they are safe and happy. Why can't I be stupid. Why must I question so. Why do I think like this. It is not okay. I am not okay. I am very very not okay.
HAHA!!! You could argue I am stupid. You could say I am ruining what I have by this panic and obsession. Yes I see that point as well. Funny when you think about it.
Before anyone says It's just me not being busy enough.... no... I work 12-16 hour days sometimes. I have many youtube videos I am working on, I have a zombie story I am working on. I keep myself pretty busy. It doesn't matter. Death is always there. Always follows me.
How about this, I call the metaphysical oneness or whatever, hear my call... let me live forever. Come on, think about it, maybe I will learn more. Let me be the forever man. No longer mortal. Come on, it could be fun. The world needs more excitement anyway. Oh yeah, I am the metaphysical oneness. I am the alpha omega. I can simply do anything because I am everything and nothing, connected with all things.
Yep, I choose a non mortal human body. I will live forever.
Problem solved.
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