Hi there,

To be honest: I am bored with my own thought-system.

Let's face it, it's getting me nowhere, but trouble. I am so bored at it, if I could, I'ld throw away the whole thing, but I can't.

I am not just bored, it really tires me mentally to fight the same things all over again and to see I am not really good at changing.

I'ld like to go over the reasons, that prevent me from change (although I really want it). If you have any ideas to destroy those reasons that prevent me from change, you're welcome to help me get rid of them:

Reasons/thoughts that prevent me to change:

1. If I change, it will prove that I was wrong.
If I prove I am wrong, I prove I make mistakes.
If I prove I make mistakes, I prove I am not that smart.
If I am not that smart, I am stupid.
If I am stupid, it means I am worth less.
If I am worth less, it means I am loved less.
If I am loved less, in the end nobody will care about me.
If nobody cares about me, I will be lonely.
If I am lonely, the day I will be sick, nobody will help me.
If nobody helps me when I am sick, I will be put in much more suffering because I cannot be alone and do everything myself.
Therefore I conclude that: If I change, I fear I will get no love and be alone even in terrible circumstances where I would need someone.

2. If I change to be more loving:
a) If people see that I am more loving, people will misuse that love for their own benefit
b) I will have much more obligations, that I cannot always face. Therefore I will hurt people, because their expectations will be higher.
c) What does it mean to be more loving? What are the implications: I don't know what is expected from me?
d) I will constantly have to help other people, even if that destroys my life. eg. give my time constantly to others, and have no time to take care of myself
e) I saw that loving people around me, were not happier. (Comment: that must not have been PUL)
f) If I give PUL to others, they can take away everything from me (which is not much, let's face it) and I will still have to love them. I don't really get that, because it is not fair towards me.

3) Writing about having difficulties about PUL on this website is dangerous because:
a) People will think I am heartless, and then they will love me less and then I will have to love myself less, to teach myself to be more loving.
b) It is bad for my karma to say or write things that are negative. So to write about it, will push me to some hell.
c) I am supposed to handle my own difficulties and not bother others. Bothering others with my problems is not a good, loving way to behave.
d) If no solution come up from this website AND if I do not come up with a solution, quickly, I am gonna become really desperate.
e) I proove that I am less good than any other loving member of this website, therefore I will be loved less.

4. To be loved, you have to possess something (eg. some knowledge) that makes somebody happy. What I got does not seem to matter to many people physically around me.

5. Things that makes me worth to be loved:
- I am a very determined person
- I don't give up easily
- I can make much sacrifice for one goal
- I always establish priorities thinking of the consequences it has on another human being OR previously learned lessons
- I am a deep thinker
- Even without hope, I act with hope
- I don't work for money
- I already worked very hard to get myself here

Some thoughts might sound stupid, but in my mind, they make sense. SO for me, it is not silly, it is my reality.

I've tried to change them, but seem to have difficulties.

If you have ideas, to change that you're welcome.

If you have practical ideas to get rid of this, feel free to tell me.

Sonia

hello once more S. I can feel your desperation. it's a type of fear construct is desperation.

If you can view the fear as an illusion, as not real, as just a feeling, intense as it is, you might be able to see thru it.

I wanted to ask you, if our reading you here, if knowing that we are reading your posts, if that helps at all?

I think you are supposed to be here, writing this down. but I don't have more details other than what I pm-ed you with.
it's like you have to record everything right now, and this is where you do it. in some ways I feel it is helping you, but slowly. you'd like it to move along faster, your enlightenment, your fullness.

patience is not your best quality. you are persistent. I share that quality with you.
I believe you are our disc member. You have found us and know this somewhere inside of you.

my heart goes out to you. I wish to have others surround you now. Let's think about faithfulness to whatever the highest truth is.

try this for now. it's a definition of Fear.
F=False
E=Evidence
A=Appearing
R=Real

what you feel is not real. You are love, and cannot escape from God, your father who created you. You did not make yourself.

We are One. all for one, and one for all. We are all at home now, dreaming we are in hell. sometimes it's not hell. other times it is.
I hold another vision for you, I do not see your fear as real.

In my vision, you are lovely and perfectly safe from untruth and illusions. ask for a miracle, and receive it.
I'm sorry I cannot help you in a more practical manner.
most of my language is from religious perspective, and I sense religion is not your focus.

maybe someone here can help S?

Quote:


It is funny blink, but I once spoke to someone who told me the same.

That person said I was being complicated and wanted to share something with me, as simple as a bird singing and a flower blooming.

It's probably the misunderstanding of emotion that makes me complicated.

Alysia, I so hope you will be patient with me, but I explained in another post why I am not that patient.

I so badly want to solve it all. That's all I know.

I so would like you to stay with me until I have done so, because I am tired to be alone on that quest for knowledge and change.

Sonia

attempt to translate this french (had only french 1) because, Alan, it's beautiful and I want others to read it's meaning:
please correct me those who are french experts:

Vous devez votre amour de soi et savoir que vous êtes un précieux jewl dans l'esprit de

Aimer

You demand your love of God, what you are is a precious jewel within Spirit. Fond regards

I know I have this wrong. correct. I love french!

Really Alysia, That's what your God looks like?    Sort of that made up, Charlton Heston trying to look like Moses or Merlin sort of look.
Joe

hawkeye wrote on Sep 29^th, 2008 at 4:59pm:


we all see images differently Joe. I kinda like Alan, right from the start. maybe I knew him from somewhere.
It seems like you don't like him, but that's your perogative and I'm sure Alan's feelings will not be hurt that u say he's trying to look like Moses or Merlin.

the way I see Alan, is he does have a sense of humor, but he is also able to be sensitive to unkind remarks made here..just as I get myself up in a dither whenever someone says something they think is funny, but I learned that humor can be taken two ways...

so I try to explain when I'm trying to be funny..and it's not coming across that way..Alan taught me this...one time he said, Alysia, I don't know if you're serious or not...

made me stop and think Alan, because I want to improve my communication to others..so thanks again Alan.

saying he looked like God was my way of saying I love you.

thanks for the post to Sonia, I would like Sonia to know she is accepted here and u just did that very well.

I was joking Joe about he looked like God. I don't expect to see an old man with a beard when I die because I don't see God as possessing a form like we have.

sorry if I got snooty. the other thing which makes me think Alan's picture is the real deal, is Bet's posted something about white hair and a white beard as concerning Alan, and that gave me the idea she has been exchanging photos with Alan. Bets? is that the real Alan?

Alan is not talking. have to go behind his back and ask Bets then.
blessings to you Joe