hawkeye wrote on Sep 29th, 2008 at 2:26pm: Many people here just are not ready to let their hate, or fear, or whatever it is, let go, when it comes to killers and murderers, etc. Hate is a horrible thing to carry into the afterlife. I would think that love and forgiveness may just take you a little further.
As a person, I can honestly say that I lived in hate for about 15 years.
It is not that I wanted it, it is just that I had no knowledge to know anything better. My hate came from fear not to be lovable enough and I hated anything that would cause me not to have love, because I feared lack of love most of all.
One day, I hated somebody so much it erased any other feeling. I decided it was not what I wanted, but the major problem remains that you are trapped in ignorance. Because ignorance is the real trap.
I tried to find somebody who would love me and understand me enough, to see the real me through that hate and help me get rid of the hate, BUT I was excluded because of my attitude (due to hate). The more I got excluded, the less love I physically saw and the less love I saw, the more I hated. It became a vicious circle.
I decided one day, since nobody wanted to help me out of hate, that nobody loved me sufficiently AND that I would do the work myself of destroying the hate.
Everyday I kept thinking why I hated, drilling in my thoughts, trying to destroy the root of the hate. I tried to stop existing, tried to control my thoughts, etc... I tried everything to the point of despair.
I tried everything for 10 years, to testify what it is like, for others who cannot testify.
I was called evil, bad...by the people who I wanted love from and I called them evil and bad for not loving me enough to help me, for letting me down (and ignorant) while I was trying so hard not to be hateful. I did not understand how they wanted me to act with knowledge of love, since I had none. I had the feeling I was asked to do an inhuman effort, to give something -- a feeling -- I could not create and did not possess sufficiently for them to judge me worthy of their help.
It costed me more than 10 years to vanquish hate on my own. Nobody told me to do it. Nobody helped me and somehow I pitty the one who excluded me, because I know that they want understanding when they are in trouble, just as I wanted it back then.
Now, I want to give love to those who excluded me, because I don't want to act like them. I asked for their forgiveness, and was NOT given it.
This is my testimony to you.
This is why I want to learn, because I need to fight ignorance.
This is why I write to you.
I'ld even beg you to help me out of ignorance if that is what it takes.
Sonia