I'm not sure if I'm having an abnormal obsession with thinking about death lately or not.   It seems death is surrounding me this year particularly.  The death of my father.  Which brought renewed thoughts of my mother's death.  My brother's suicidal thoughts.  The death of my long term relationship with my ex-fiance.  Death in the animals and people that died in the floods here in Washington state the last week. Death of my neighbor's sweet dog.  Death seems to be everywhere.  So here's my plea.  How does one make peace with death?  It seems to be increasingly a big part of my life.  How does one make peace with one's own death?  How does one prepare?  None of us know how we will die, so how does one prepare for the event?  What if it's sudden, is there some way to train the mind to be so at peace with death that there's no fear even in a sudden transition?  Perhaps I'm being too morbid.  I would just like to make peace with this thing called Death.

Lorri,

Quote:


What you describe has all the signs of what I call a belief system crash, what some might call an Identity Crisis.  For me whenever someone close to us dies, we of course grieve their loss.  But something that seems to be less understood is the effect of the loss on our own identity.  That person close to us in a way had become a part of our own identity, when that person leaves, through death, divorce, moving to a distant city, leaving home, etc. the part of my identity they had become dies or leaves with them.  At a feeling level this feels like a death.

For example, let's say I get married.  I go from identifying myself as a single man to being a married man and my spouse becomes part of my identity.  I am now (at least by the standards I grew up with) a husband, a provider, a protector, etc.  If I later divorce I am now longer those things and at a feeling level I experience this as the actual death of those parts of me.  The husband, provider, protector, etc. parts of my identity die and I will go through a pattern of feelings, or symptoms, as a result.  I most likely will experience:

Depression;
Disorientation;
Disassociation;
Wondering if you’re going insane;
Feeling like there is a big, unfillable hole in me;
Feeling like you don’t know who you are any more;
Feeling like you’ve lost your purpose in life;
Feeling grief as if someone close to you has died, but you don’t know who;
Feeling like someone else is thinking within your mind;
Feeling like your world is crashing down around you;
Feeling like you might die soon;
Feeling like you should die;
Finding yourself thinking about suicide;

With the loss of so much and so many people close to you over such a short period of time I would be very surprised if you did not recognize this pattern of feelings in your experience.  In my view it is entirely normal to be experiencing these feelings with such big changes to your identity, but, just because it is normal doesn't mean it's fun or needs to continue beyond the grieving process.  So, what to do about feeling better?

I suggest that since it is change to our identity that is the root cause of the feelings working at the level of our identity is where to focus.  Specifically, there is a re-integration of our new identity with what is left of our old identity that needs to take place.  As this reintegration proceeds this pattern of uncomfortable feelings will subside, heal, and fade into the background.  The simplest way to get this process started is to sit down and make a short list of things you really liked to do before the loss.  Ideally, these will be things you liked to do that did not involve the people in your life that died, or that you like to do before you knew that person (when possible).  Maybe you used to love to go to the zoo by yourself, maybe you loved to go sailing, maybe you liked to curl up in a blanket and read romance novels.  It doesn't matter what it is, just pick something on your list and Do It.  Why?

Those things on the list are parts of your identity that existed before the crash.  By doing them you are anchoring yourself to your previously existing identity and then integrating your new identity into who you were before the crash.  I know it may sound silly but I have seen it work in countless cases of identity crisis or belief system crashes.

I don't like to give people uninvited advice but when you asked, How does one make peace with death? I took that as an invitation.  For some of the changes, being so recent, there is still the grief of recent loss.  But overall, I would suggest, when you are ready, sit down and start making that short list.

Bruce

Hi Lorri. Sounds like you are in the middle of a tough patch, but don't worry - the sun always comes out again.

For what it's worth death if we can stop resisting what's going down and stay with it (simply accept the reality, live with the groundlessness of it all and trust the right thing is happening even if we don't quite yet know why) is one of the most  powerful forces for opening there is. It's not for nothing that spiritual traditions the world over talk in these terms. Don Juan (Carlos Casteda's teacher) for example is quoted as saying something along the lines of 'live life as though death sits on your left shoulder'.

My own brush with the possibility due to illness in 2005 seems to have a been a big factor in triggering emotional opening. I also know this elderly lady who truth be told is not the most pleasant ever - she's chronically fearful, is manipulative, has herself cast in 'victim' mould, and consequently spends her time bad mouthing people and looking for reasons to be 'put upon'. No matter how much those around her try to help it makes no difference - no sooner are they out the door than they are the butt of the most scathing criticism.

This lady survived a very serious illness some years ago, and interestingly enough was as pleasant as you could imagine for a month or two afterwards. Then over the following months the ego reasserted itself, and the nastiness came back stronger than ever.

As Bruce is indirectly saying death stops our egotistical carry on in a shot. Our mind made delusional world collapses. If it comes close enough this effect (barring the most determined and delusional resistance) is pretty much inevitable.

If not quite so close it's more a matter of choice, and of how empathetic or compassionate we are - it can do so if we can connect with what's going on and not close to it or become defensive. We close by ignoring what's going on, by rationalising it away, by taking ourselves out of the situation or by frantically engaging in diversionary activities or whatever.

Death is inevitable, there's not one of us that may not be buried in a week's time. At the most prosaic level it's a hurry up to live our lives like we mean it. At higher levels of consciousness it's perhaps much less of an issue than we like to think, but I guess the message is perhaps to try while staying as light as we can't (obsessing about it just builds fear or whatever) to use the opportunity to learn.

It's perhaps ultimately a matter of view - there's a lot of ways of looking at it, and lots has been written. Pema Chodron has lots to say on the more enlightened (in her case Buddhist) way of looking at it in her deceptively easy but profound book 'When Things Fall Apart': http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449

Thank you ALL that responded to my entry.  Wow you are all so wise!  I'm very impressed.  There is so much to absorb from all the entries, and so much to learn from and ponder.  I greatly appreciate that, because now I can take these ideas and incorporate them into my daily living, as I reorganize who I am now.  It is exactly how you all say, an identity crisis.  I have hope that I can make this transition now slowly, and with the aid of wise people such as yourselves.  You all really know the human heart very well, and I feel fortunate to have your wisdom to help me through.  Writing is an excellent idea, and something I have started and stopped before thinking people would think I was crazy if they ever read it.  I see more and more the universality of people's experiences and that I am not as abnormal as I was thinking I was.  I am going to be taking each entry and pondering it, and writing the ideas that thoughts and feelings that come to my mind.  I think this really will help me to unravel the fear and sadness and make meaning out of i and even growth.  It seems like a long process and I know it is, I just have to remember to be patient and not beat myself up when things don't go as "I" think they should.  Thank you for your time and very kind support.  I hope to be writing more and reading more on this board as it has proven to be a great source of wisdom.
Thank you again.  My heart is with you all.

Lorri

Thinking back - not too very long ago - I recall that dying seemed to be a tremendous nuisance. It was an interruption to my playtime, and as my various systems began to go off line, I really felt wretched. How unfair to deny me of the idle pastimes I had been enjoying. I even had to ask a friend to return the down payment on his little airplane because I was physically unfit to fly, at least according to the Flight Surgeon. - Oy vey is mir! Catsstrophe.

And then I stopped and went a little deeper into my usual evening meditation and realized that what I'm doing here and now is only temporary. This is an isolating place wehre we live with the bitter dregs of creativity, reducing everything to its ultimate mechanical and logical limits. Thus we have walls to bump into, holes into which to fall, and occasionally a glass of sour wine. (I have yet to gather the courage to spit it out all over the head waiter, although the urge has occasionally been present when something has travelled especially badly!)

And as we wander through this crystallized extract of the true and dynamic reality, we are limited to cow paths - some crossing here, some there, some crossing more than once.  I initially met my wife when very young an immature, and our paths diverged. Then they came together again 30 years later - she saw my name in the phone book and called out of curiosity - I thought she was selling insurance. But we worked it out. Other paths have diverged, costing me access to a few of my old friends, my parents, and my wife's parents.

After a while, I began to realize that in fact, this life, which we defend so vigorously, is a limited, and ultimately a minor fraction, of our true nature as totally free and totally creative elements of the same God-stuff of which the universe arose. Death seems to be a tremendous separation - a  terrible forced march into the vast Unknown. In fact, when we look a bit closer, death is a return to our true home. In every case in which I asked a regressed person about it, they have told me that this world is terribly limiting, but they have to be here because of their hangups - their material attachments and attitudes - and in every case, they'd rather stay in the spirit world with all of their friends and loved ones.

It's mostly a bit of shortsightedness that leads us to view death as a dissolution and termination. A more valid expression would be Homecoming. A return to love, to joy, to awareness, as Co-Creators with Godhead, having a wonderful time playing with the universe. - And I guess that when offered that, I can even give up my little airplane - darn it!

PUL
dave

Wow that was a beautiful post Dave.  When you put death  in terms like that it seems silly to be so caught up in this life.  I guess it's like going to a movie and getting lost in the movie temporarily and then coming back to everyday life.  I know there are people here in this forum who have had a glimpse of Home, and what it's like when we leave our temporary earth homes.  These glimpses that are shared certainly bring hope. Sometimes I wish I could remember what Home is like, but maybe it's better that I don't, or this life would be completely unbearable remembering how wonderful Home is.  One moment there is great joy on this earth, and the next moment it can all be taken away.  I am watching an  ABC television show that is dedicated to giving families in need new homes to live in and improving their lives.  When I see the dedication this young couple has to their serverely handicapped child and how little they get by on  it amazes me the power of the human spirit to endure and overcome and even thrive in the face of incredible day to day challenges.  I still wonder what it is that inspires some people to meet and face so many obstacles in life and make something beautiful out of it, and then others just crush under the weight of it all.  I think having a sense of purpose and reason for all that happens must make a real difference in making it or breaking down.  The knowledge that there is something  better and that this is all just temporary can certainly give a person a lot of hope.  Thank you for your very eloquent words, it nourishes my soul.

Lorri

Hi Lorri dear,
My advice may be a bit "morbid", as you had stated your own statements to be, however I would never the less like to attempt to give you some food for thought.

You state: It seems death is surrounding me this year particularly. Lorri honey, "death" has been surrounding you all your life, the only difference is, that your consciousness level prohibited you from "feeling", "noticing" "allowing".

The more you are confronted with the topic the more you will learn about the "topic" all together. You have to admitt that you are learning , becoming more aware as you go along right? We all are proud of you for you`re reaching out.

---

I found a really nice website today, which I would extend to you but its written in german. So I will try to reherse some exceprts from it FYI.

The website explains that our lovedones see, hear and feel our thoughts, wishes and words, actions. It hurts them worse (pending on degree of relationship) to see, feel and hear us morn as we tend to do, considering that we miss them, right? So we recieve certain "winks" in our everyday lives, some are noticed by us. These winks are there to let us now that our loved one is well off and "alive", but we tend to believe "half hearted", and think we are "seeing" things, "loosing our minds" or whatever.

Imagine how your daddy would feel when you get to the point inwhich you can say:
"Daddy I`m learning as fast as I can, I understand that you are NOT dead, but that you have merely traded in your form of vehicle to move about with, I no longer fear the pain daddy I am instead enjoying my newly acquired information and will see you and mom again one day"..

AND THEN HONESTLY BE CONVINCED OF YOUR WORDS!

How would your daddy & mom feel when you can say that love?

When you answer that question to yourself, then you`ll know how far along learning you have already gone.

Luv ya,
Nanner

Hi Linh,

Several people have mentionned big changes around them regarding more positive attitudes about the afterlife. there certainly are more websites on related matters like near death experiences, etc. So I'm optimistic that the understanding is spreading.  I hope it hits your relatives soon so they quit kidding you!

Most of my relatives are the same as yours. Maybe their next 'teachable moment' will be when I pass over and speak to them from the other side. 
I'm not going to vow to do it because maybe when I get there, I'll have other things I need to do, but if I get a chance I will.  But they have to be ready too or they'll think it's 'just' a dream. 

Love, Bets