Hello All,

It has been a couple of years since I have posted on this message board. I felt a need to come back here to get inspiration after the recent death of my husband's grandmother. She was too old to do anything  for herself (like eating, drinking, etc) which made her passing bearable for the family. But her death was a wake up call for me...

Since the birth of my son in 2005, I slowly evolved into a very negative, angry person who hated everyone who had a better life than me. Even though, Bruce's website site had given my answers back in 2001, my thoughts started feeding me doubts about the afterlife. It would tell me things like "There is nothing after you die. This life is it, why follow rules and be depress all the time? Go make yourself happy at the expense of others." From a nice, sweet person that I once was, I started to evolve into a monster. I would wish ill on others, get enrage when I perceived I was getting used, and make negative statements about myself, my husband, and my son. I felt out of control with this negativity. Even when I tried to come to my senses, it would overpower me and take over.

At this time, I don't want to be this monster with so much hate in her heart. I am tired of looking at other and hating them for having more than me. Gramp's death helped put things in perspective for me. Why the hell am I getting jealous and hating my sister-in-law just because she can afford a million dollar home and have a well-behave daughter? So what, right? But it is so hard for me to shake it off. It is still a battle for me, though. I can't help, but to hate her and wish that her fetus dies inside of her. (Evil, huh? ..sigh.. this is what I deal with inside my head. I don't like it.)

Anyways, I need help to get back on the right path of Postive Unconditional Love. I am seeing a marriage therapist for my marriage, but I feel I need a spiritual therapist to clean my soul from this hate. Is there such things as a Spiritual therapist? It is hard to shake this hate off by myself. Even after my conscious desire to change, I can hear my negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant battle inside my brain - like fighting good over evil.

Do any of you have any suggestions for me to take control of myself to become positive about life, again?

Thank you for not judging me and reaching out to help me.
Linh

Greetings Linh,

Congratulations on seeking to overcome that state of mind that is bedevilling you !

My suggestion will sound lke a commercial but it worked for me when I was in similiar circumstances:
If you would get hold of, read, and try the experiences suggested in Bruce Moen's books, particularly
the Afterlife Knowledge Guidebook, you will find that the changes you seek come easily.

My theory is that when our souls get fed up with a negative conscious attitude, they rebel and do strange things to get our attention.  They crave the changes that will enrich their being. Once they see that we are attempting to live a more soul-full life of PUL, they  help move us in that direction, IMO.

Best wishes! I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.

Bets

Blink: Wow, just reading the word "forgive" brought tears to my eyes.  I think I am very harsh and critical of myself and beat myself up if I do not measure up with others. Hmm... I think that may be the root of my jealousy. Thank you so much for reminding me that I do need to forgive myself for my mean thoughts. It does help lightening the heavy feeling in my heart.

Bets: Thanks for the word of encouragement! Actually, I have bought all of Bruce's books and tapes in 2001. I love the books so much that I will be reading them to my son when he is older. Last year, I bought Bruce's Handbook and Cds (upgrade from the tapes).  Maybe I need to take them out of storage and read them over, again.
     Tell me about it! My soul feels like it is swimming in crap of negative energy. It had been crying out to my body to stop being so ugly for awhile now. I think being so ugly inside had manifested me to be bloated and unattractive on the outside. I am so ready for the change.

Recoverer: Please give me more insight on on this realm that you have experience. I am intrigue. I do believe writing down my negative thoughts will help me understand the root of the problem. Thanks for the great suggestion!

To all others: Since I started having the desire to be nicer, I have been trying to incorporate acts of kindness in my life. I have force myself to do things in which I normally wouldn't - not because I am actually a mean person, just that I've always been too shy to put myself out there. For example, I had worked up the courage to shared my umbrella with a total stranger while we were walking to to the bus stop. It does feel much better to be nice. 

Hi Linh-
The Buddhist tradition tells us that the topic of death is always a useful one to focus on, as it will lead us to useful understandings. I regret that you lost a loved one, but that it brought you to awareness of yourself seems like a valuable was to regard it.

On another thread recently there has been a discussion about the ego - the persona by which we thread our way through the world. It seems to be necessary to be aware of all the negative options before we can turn to the more poisitive ones - else we have no reference point. As you have discovered, the negative options tend to be misleading, in part valid and in part invalid, only dreams of attainment, as compared to the whole picture. Fortunately such bad dreams bring karma as a corrective reaction so that we again regain clarity. It appears that you have worked through that part of the puzzle and are now in the process of sorting out the untrue from the true. In my opinion, you are doing exactly the proper thing in exactly the proper manner, and will now go on to prosper.

It's awafully easy to tell people how wonderful life is, but in fact you deserve credit for the hard personal work you are doing. I recall my own discovery of essentially the same basic truths, and I didn't think much of myself at the time. However, perseverence will pay off. That too is an easy thing to say, and thinking back on my own struggles I recall something I read somewhere, "When your up to your arse in alligators it can be difficult to remember that the original plan was to drain the swamp."

Keep at it. I salute you for your courage!
dave

Vajra - Thanks you for all your suggestions. I am familiar with mediation. I have done it in the past and should start it back up.   Buddhism, huh? mmm... Well, being Chinese and all, I was raise knowing about incense, praying, reincarnation. Unfortunately, my parents never taught me real substance of Buddhism. They used Buddha's teach for their own good. For example, they would say "Buddha say you have to listen to your parents, or else you be reincarnated into a animal in your next life".  Also, the rituals were all hocus pocus to me like spending two days straight kneeling on the hard ground while the monks chant for the dead grandmother. How torturous! Why can't it be like Christianity where you read eulogies and then bury the casket? The worst part is my parents and others are just like Christians where they say, "if you don't believe, something bad will happen to you (i.e hell or becoming a pig in your next life). As if just believing will ensure eternal happiness! They forgot the part of actually being compassionate to others and feeling PUL on Earth. So, in the end, I am alittle turn off by all forms of religion.  That is why I love Bruce's approach. You seek the answers through yourself. Only you can find the truth.

Dave, your statment, "When your up to your arse in alligators it can be difficult to remember that the original plan was to drain the swamp." That described me in a nutshell! Since the birth of my son, I feel my equilibrium have been out of sync. It is almost like I am just trying to stay afloat day by day. Try living in this existence for 2 years...it will make you forget about the grand scheme of life. I got suck into our Society's selfish thinking mode - "me,me,me". Now that my son is growing older (two!), I feel like I can slowly find time for myself to enrich my soul. Thank you for making a valid point of why I have these negative thoughts. It is true, without these negative thoughts, I wouldn't know the how to be more loving to people.

Alysia - I was hoping you contributed your wisedom to this thread! The last time I was on here, you were writing your book, right? It must be published by now. As for your post, let say you opened the flood gates for me. I am glad that I am not as off course as I thought I was on. Whew! You made a good point about talking to my negative thoughts as if they are real people. That would definitely help reduce the conflict between the good and evil side of me.

As for my jealousy, it is with my husband's brother's wife. Now, it will be a huge test for me if I can stop hating her. Just typing this makes my blood boil with hate for her for some reason. She did nothing to me per se, but I just can't stop disliking her. Help me understand why? I am going to have a dialogue with this hate inside of me. What revelation can you guys get from it to help me destroy this hate.

me: why do you hate her so much?
hate: she makes me sick
me: why?
hate: always getting her way with everything
me: So..
hate: I want her to suffer like me!
me: That is not good.
hate: I know, but it would make me happy to see her suffer. Maybe then, she could get off her high horse and have some empathy for people.

Peculiarly enough Linh I can echo your historical issues with Buddhism but from the point of view of my experience of Christianity as a child. As can my wife. Even Tibetan Buddhism gives me the horrors on occasion - all those robes and gold leaf trigger a reaction as they remind me a lot of the catholic church which doesn't have the most savoury reputation around here. My wife too.

It took quite serious illness and the melt down of my life in my late 30s to get me to look past this conditioning.

I've been meditating since the early 90s, with Buddhist groups since the late 90s. But to this day I classify myself as a semi-detached Buddhist. As a tradition it's never led me astray (that I've detected, but I'm probably a trusting fool  ), but on the other hand I make sure to keep an eye on what other traditions have to say and will not suspend disbelief/shift to automatic acceptance of everything I hear taught in the unconditional manner that some would seem to.

I can't quite decide if it's just that I take my little cautions too seriously, or that that's what you always have to do with spiritual traditions. Buddhism anyway teaches above all that you shouldn't suspend your judgement.

Just be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. You don't have to go Buddhist to meditate, even with most Western Buddhist groups. They absolutely don't proselytise or demand any sort of commitment - or if they do they are going against core teaching. You can even get some instruction elsewhere - but pretty much for sure if you can get going properly it'll bring some stability and help you through your hassles.

Is that you in your avatar? If so you look a million dollars in that outfit. Could you tell us what it is???

Linh:

In response to what you posted below: I've had numerous experiences that have let me know that the World of spirit exists.  When it comes to the specific experience I wrote about on my last post, one night I found myself in a heavenly realm. I didn't see nor hear anybody, but I knew I was with others. It seemed to be the state of perfection we all strive for.

The level of happiness in this realm was wonderful. I felt a great sense of relief, because the problems of the World were completely gone. I understood without having to think about it,  that everything works out wonderfully in the end.

At the time I was an atheist. If somebody tried to tell me that God and the afterlife existed I would've said "no way." But during this experience I had no doubts, and was very pleasantly surprised. Not only did I understand that God (not in an old man in the sky sense) and the afterlife existed, I completely understood how it is possible without having to think about it. It was a deep automatic knowing that had great depth.

I also understood that Christ is a key part of it, but not in a fundamentalist way. I didn't see nor hear him, nor did somebody tell me about him. There was just simply this knowledge that he is a key part of divine reality.  I was surprised to see that this was so, but felt no need to debate the point, because it was obvious. At the end of the experience I saw a bright star that I understood to be a symbol for Christ.

When the experience ended, I was greatly dissapointed. Even though during the experience I understood "of course, this is what reality is truly about," I quickly went back to my scientific way of viewing life.

Not too long afterwards I started to have various spiritual experiences, yet I didn't recall the above experience. One day, years afterwards, I remembered it better than I remembered it the days that immediately followed. When I considered it some more, I realized that what I experienced was way beyond what my mind could create.  My forgetfulness reminded me of the forgetfulness some near death experiencers go through. I believe that memories of the experience came back to me after I was open to receiving them.

Regarding the Christ part, I've had a number of other experiences which have verified that he is a key part of divine reality, but again, not in a fundamentalist way.

I hope you don't mind me adding this, on a post to Alysia you mentioned your anger towards your ex husband's wife.  You mentioned the techique of having communication with the part of your mind that causes such thoughts to come into being. Perhaps you came up with this technique after reading what Bruce Moen wrote in his fifth book.  I believe it is important to remember that he wrote that his usage of this technique doesn't mean that he literally believes that such an aspect of being actually exist. He simply used this technique to deal with the though patterns that limit him.

I bring up this distinction because I believe it is a mistake to give unwanted thought patterns more reality than they have.  Such thought patterns are basically inert, until something stimulates them to come to life. Perhaps something we see or think about relates to them. It is up to us to decide if we want to provide such thought patterns the interest and therefore emotional fuel they need in order to stay active. A good way to deal with such thought patterns when they come up in a momentary/reactive way, is to realize right away that this isn't a thought pattern I want to give life to, and then tune into love as best as you can.  Sometimes we have to do this repeatedly with a particular thought pattern, before it stops effecting us.

I do believe there are exceptions when it comes to aspects of self. For example, sometimes spirits speak of being at more than one place at a time. However, this isn't a matter of an unwanted thought pattern coming to life. It is a matter of a preferential choice that serves a purpose. There are also some instances that aren't preferential, but perhaps necessary for a period of time. For example, a person who takes on multiple personalities in order to find separation from something really traumatic that took place in his or her life.

It may be that you have anger toward's your ex's wife, because you're wondering "what does she have that I don't have?" Clearly your self worth doesn't have anything to do with her. Nothing in the universe has the power to stop you from being a wonderful divine being.  While in this World people often come up with superficial ways to judge each other's worth, but in the end who we are in spirit is what really counts.  Certainly a day will come when both you and your ex's wife will understand who you are at the level of spirit, and will have no differences at all. The more committed we are to living according to such love, the faster we'll grow spiritually.

 



[quote author=Linh link=1196374914/0#4 date=1196438139]
Recoverer: Please give me more insight on on this realm that you have experience. I am intrigue. I do believe writing down my negative thoughts will help me understand the root of the problem. Thanks for the great suggestion!

Hi guys,

Just wanted to thank Nanner for providing the link to the German website (http://www.jenseits-de.org).

Last week I was reading from the above mentioned website and came across "The Little Soul and the Sun" parable. ( http://www.jenseits-de.org/e/index-education.html). The story helped me release my hate for my sister-in-law. I actually felt love for her after I read the story. It brought tears in my eyes for having such ugly feelings toward her for so long. I was actually asham. This story help me see things in a newer perspective.

I even apologize to my husband for being so mean all these years and that I need him to be by my side to help me be more loving and patient!

So, Nanner, thank you for releasing me from my dark side by providing the link to Peter's site.