Hi Juditha,
We all have moments where we lose faith in everything...I know I sometimes do...and it seems that many times it is simply a result of weariness. If you are tired, it is time to rest. It can be as simple as that.
It can also be that some part of you is waking up and wants to move and stretch a little bit, and is frustrated by the pace around you. But it is what it is. How you see it makes all the difference, doesn't it?
Becoming a medium seems to be very important to you, but it is not and will never be all that you are by any means. I think you just need to give yourself some time to adjust to your circumstances. It is often difficult to know what or where our true power is.
I often have wished I knew where mine was when feeling weak at heart. But in the flow of life, sometimes we are exactly where we should be, even when it feels terrible to be there.
To let go, even for a moment, of all of your beliefs about yourself and your faith, must be very frightening for you. But it's okay. You can choose what to keep and what to discard of your previous self. Every day.
You are allowing yourself to change, and that is brave. I would not give up on what you love just yet. But it is only human to be disappointed sometimes.
For myself, I cannot have certain experiences on demand....so if you have had some success with mediumship, then you have done very well. It is a grand experiment, and a brave one.
love to you, blink