-The past four years of my life have been harder than I ever could have imagined. Growing up I was always shy and timid, but it wasn't until my freshmen year of high school that things really went down hill.
-Well, just a few months ago I was contemplating taking my own life but decided not to, at the last moment, out of respect and care for my family; however, being that close to death made me think about a lot of things.
*****************
Well, you're still young, pal - or at least you sound so. I'd sacrifice a LOT
to be de-aged down to where you're at. You've got lots of time still.
So, what am I saying? I guess, just hang in there. Chances are things
WILL get better for you. (Wait to commit suicide until you're an old fartknocker like me (over 35); AND that's assuming things don't get
better for you before then, which IS possible but unlikely. Also you're free to make that choice, IMHO, if you are diagnosed with schizophrenia or something equally life-ending and incurable (you DID mention your mental health is a bit squirrelly, right?) But otherwise, I don't think you wanna go there! Should you end up facing some sort of judgement in the hereafter for suiciding, you want at least to be able to say, that you gave living every chance - and didn't snuff yourself until you knew all your possibilities were gone.)
Good luck,

B-man

Hi Fetography,

I'm glad you are here in our little community.  

I remember being your age....I'm 46 now. I had a terribly rough time in high school emotionally even though people deemed me a "success" and I struggled with depression even worse after I left home.  I also did not have a firmly established sense of self or a belief system I felt I could trust.  I'm lucky I made it.

Anyway, this is not an easy world to grow up in, and never has been. I think it is important to remember that your mind and body have not finished their work...the structures of your mind are still evolving.

This is a tremendous opportunity for you to use if you would like to do so.  I suggest that you seek out the most positive guided meditations you can find online.  Amazon.com has lots of them these days.  I would be willing to send you a couple of my own if you would like.  I have built up a very large collection over the years.

Use meditation DAILY.  If you can afford to get a small collection it will help to vary your experiences.  This kind of mind work is invaluable and can actually reshape your thoughts and feelings on a daily basis and the best part is that you are in control of when you use them.

First thing in the morning and before bed are good, or when you are tired or stressed.

Get meditations which focus on confidence, relationships, creativity and success, your relationship with your higher self, etc.  I think Kelly Howell's guided meditations are excellent.  But there are SO many styles and you can find what works best for you.  They can be exciting and healing journeys you take in your own mind which can balance your emotions and thoughts....and in time your outer life WILL reflect your inner work.

A physician might help too. Maybe you have an anxiety condition which can be helped with medication, but I would be very careful about this at your age.  Your mind and body are still growing and evolving.  Strengthening and using the body with physical exercise are also excellent, as well as paying special attention to your nutrition.  Mind and body work together.

The thing is, you can do it. You can have a full life, and you can experience much more than you can imagine at this time of your life.

I just want you to know I've been there. More than once....because you don't go out there into the "ring" without being knocked down a few times.  You just have to get back up and try again.

The thing about depression and "phobias" is that the only way to beat them is to face them down.  

Be as KIND to yourself as possible and keep your reading and thoughts on positive things as much as you can.  Don't let this world fill your head with negativity.  You can find your way.

Religion? Well....I think that as you allow yourself to grow and experience more of life, and continue to study you will find a belief system that works for you.  Have you read the Tao te Ching?  I think it is full of wisdom and it is a philosophy which does not require "practices," however it will allow you to take a look around you with a different perspective.  There are many versions and the one I like is a pocket version by Stephen Mitchell.  These are short pieces to meditate on, and can help you with the concepts of "letting go" and "nonaction" in a positive way.

Also, all poetry and nature itself are wonderful sources of inspiration.  When you can feel the flow of your own life energy moving you forward on your path, and you are at one with it, you will feel the sacred all around you and religion will not be necessary, unless you want it.

Remember that there are tools and people to help you with ANY obstacle you face.  You have support from the universe that you are not yet aware of....but you will be.

And we're here....stay for a while if you like it here and you'll find some interesting conversations and have a laugh once in a while. You could learn to retrieve lost souls from the information here from Bruce Moen if you want.

Those who have suffered greatly know what suffering really is......and can grow into the most compassionate of people who may bring very special gifts to this world.  I am sure you are one of them.

love, blink

Hi Sam,

Welcome!  Glad you found your way here.  You'll find a lot of help here.  Matthew's right, we do care.  It's true for anyone in life, as you help others along you help yourself as well, so in this way we're all learning and growing together. 

Take the advice from Blink about meditating and Matthew about utilizing your own thoughts and intentions, and in this way you will discover that "religion" you're looking for.  I'm not saying there isn't one out there that's right for you, but I think it's important for you to search within yourself (and continue to research outside yourself) what kinds of beliefs you have, what kinds of beliefs you want to have, what burning questions are there you most want to find answers to, and so on.  By taking all this in together--searching your thoughts, asking those burning questions, meditating, and paying attention to your thoughts and intentions you will undoubtedly begin seeing positive changes in your life.  You will begin to see how your thoughts really do play a role in your experience. 

Please also take time to read the links at the top of this site.  There's a lot of wonderful information there, and it may help direct you in your search for answers. 

Love,
Vicky

Greetings Fetography,

I too had some rough years. I suspect that you, like many people here, are very sensitive to lots of energies that some people can't pick up, like other people's moods, beauty and ugliness, etc.
Is there a pleasant bit of nature near you, a corner of your yard, a park or empty lot near you where you could sit quietly for a change of scenery?
Have you read the essays the site host Bruce Moen has listed at the top of these pages?
Do you have other questions you could post here to start discussions with some people new to you, to continue some dialogues?
These three suggestions are safe and caring ways for you to provide a change in your environment and let you connect with some new stimulation. Now that you have taken the first steps by being here, don't stop now!
Bets
PS If you have any interest in photography, sketching, cartooning, art,  I'd be happy to discuss those areas with you too---just PM me re: your interests.

Hello Sam:

I can understand how you feel about Fundamentalist Christianity.  However, I've found that Christ isn't accurately defined by fundamentalist viewpoints. Below is what I wrote on another thread.

I used to believe as some of the people on this forum believe; when it came to Christ I thought in terms of fundamentalism.

I started to receive messages from the spirit World about two years ago, and about a year ago I started to receive messages such as "accept Christ." This troubled me because like some other posters on this forum when the subject of Christ would come up I would become uncomfortable and start to look for spit balls to throw.  

Fortunately, I didn't keep my mind and heart completely closed to the matter of Christ. One day while going for a walk I spoke to God (I didn't hear him reply), and I said "If Christ is a significant part of your divine plan then I'm all for him, because your divine plan is important to me. But I can't assume that Christ is a part of your divine plan simply because a book states that he is, because I would be asserting this to myself, and this would be dishonest."

One night I woke up and I was shown a crucifix. I asked why. I was shown an image and received some thoughts which stated: "They killed him (Christ), they put him on display, they spotted his reputation." Next I experienced myself pressing the highest C note on my piano. I understood this to mean that Christ is the highest consciousness there is.

After wards I received a number of other messages which stated that Christ is a significant part of God's divine plan. My post would be too long if I shared all of them. But here is one significant experience. One night I was reading an Elaine Pagels book. She wrote that the Gospel of Thomas speaks of Christ as if he was just another enlightened being like other enlightened beings; the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke speak of him as if he is a messenger of God; and the gospel of John speaks of him as he is the only begotten son, the first word, the light, he created the World for God, and then incarnated into the World so he could show the way.  

Before I went to sleep this night I prayed and asked for a dream which told me which version is true. In the middle of the night I woke up from a dream. I turned on my night lamp and grabbed my dream journal and a pen so I could take some notes. But then I saw a light flash.  I see spirits appear as starlike flashes of light quite often. I see them this way because this is how you see them when your energy is at your crown chakra,  and my energy is at my crown chakra most of the time. This flash of light was much bigger and much more powerful than any flash of light I've experienced before. It felt more real than the physical World. It felt divine. Even though I didn't see or hear him, I knew it was the presence of Christ. I decided to forget about my dream notes, put my dream journal and pen away, turned off my night lamp, and layed on my side. I was overcome with more energy than I had ever felt before, and I have awakened kundalini, which can be powerful at times. This energy worked on me for about 15 minutes in a manner that is beyond how kundalini works on you. My heart chakra expanded so it felt as if it encompased my entire upper body. The energy of Christ also worked on my three upper chakras. Ever since the energy flow from my heart chakra to  my crown chakra has been more alive and clean. I felt divine love, humility and grattitude towards Christ to an extent that was beyond what a belief system could create. Regarding the question I asked before I went to sleep, the feeling I got was that Christ can be in as many places as he wants to be. He is universal.

After the above experiences took place I started to reflect on my life and found that the series of experiences which began with the "Accept Christ" messages, weren't the first occasions on which I received Christ related messages. For example, about 29 years ago I had a night in heaven experience. I was an atheist at the time because I believed that science had all the answers. Nevertheless, during this experience I knew that God and the afterlife did in fact exist. Not only did I know that they existed, I completely understood how it was possible for them to exist without even having to think about it. It was a wonderful experience and the level of happiness I experienced was beyond the level of happiness that can be experienced in this World. It was such a relief.

To show you how stubborn I was at the time, when the experience ended I dismissed it as a dream. Boy was I disapointed. Years later, after not thinking about the experience at all, the memory of the experience came back to me. There are people who have had near death experiences who have had the same delayed memory syndrome.  The memory of this experience is more alive today than it was 27 years ago. One thing I recall is that during the experience I clearly understood that Christ is a major part of the grand scheme of things. I didn't see him during this experience, but the knowledge of his importance permeated the realm I was in.  

Some people might say that I experienced according to my beliefs. This isn't so because 1) I was an atheist at the time and completely didn't believe in the existence of God, Christ and the afterlife; 2) the manner in which I understood things was far deeper than what a belief system could create; and 3) at the end of the experience I saw a bright star flash and I knew this was a symbol for Christ.  Regarding the possibility that my mind created the above, in addition to what I just shared, there is no way that my mind could've created what I experienced, because what I experienced was far beyond anything I had experienced before.

There are a couple of other experiences I had before I received the accept Christ messages. Early on during my kundalini unfoldment process I was shown the image of a lifesize heavy metal rocker dude. I could see kundalini flowing within him.  He said he uses his kundalini for evil. Next I saw a lifesize demonic image of myself. Next I saw the face of Jesus Christ. I received the message if you're going to go through kundalini unfoldment process, make certain that you do so with Christ conciousness in mind.

On another occasion I was doing a retrievel while meditating. Suddenly the man I was trying to help stopped listening to me because across a bay an image of Christ appeared. Gold light spread out from Christ and filled the landscape I was experiencing. The man I tried to help floated accross the bay to where Christ was in a timeless manner. I say a timeless manner, because he traversed the distance accross the bay quickly, without having to float quickly. I had no expectation to see Christ during this experience, yet I did.

Thank you richman:

I hear what you're saying.


richman wrote on May 3^rd, 2007 at 4:18pm:

Thanks you all so much for your support.

I'd reply to each of your posts in more detail, but even typing this message is a challenge due to how weak my body is right now. What I can say is that months back, when I was approaching what seemed to be the end of the cliff, I was in bed sobbing. At that point I was so broken and defeated that I thought I would never get out of bed again. The realization came that as soon as I lost my religion I lost my wellness. That night I gave every fiber of my being to Christ, I told him that I was his.

Things got a bit better, but after listening to my brother (who is an atheist) my faith weakened a bit. Soon I began watching documentaries on Christianity and could not support the faith at all. The nail in the coffin was when I turned on the religious channel to find a preacher shouting that some day "all hospitals will be Christian hospitals" and so forth. What I crave in organized religion is the community and support, what I hate is the corruption.

From that point on I didn't know who to pray to. Even worse, I was afraid that maybe Christ really is God and that I had denied him. That's one thing I hate about Christianity...they scare the crap out of you...

I am afraid that I am disrespecting God by praying to him not knowing who he is.

Regarding some statements and questions posted:
I currently have agoraphobia, panic disorder, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, bdd, paranoia, depression.
I am on medication and have been in counseling/therapy for the past four years (still am).

Bets,
I am very much so into art and design; it is my passion.
Talking to you (or anyone) would be very comforting.

I am really in agreement with all of your beliefs...though I am still very confused on what to do about prayer. The list of angels was very helpful, though they are of the Christian faith aren't they?

There's a lot more that I wanted to talk about / respond to, but i'm really worn out right now.

Thanks again for all of the support and love,
Sam