Hi Everyone.....what a wonderful post...it's brillant for really bringing out the innermost thoughts and memeories in reply form and I've loved reading the replys thus far...hope to see several more!
I think about this place,and the people in it,and the topics of the threads in here throughout my days now, and find that it's powerful for keeping those things(in my view the most worthy things in life to put energy into)up front,which makes for a better day.I know I've written plenty on the subject of what brought me here initially, and I would have considered it a total blessing whenever I found this....but it was the timing and way I found it that makes it all the more special, and I am 100 percent sure that it was something bigger than me that got me here.
Forgive me, in advance...I tend to be so long winded about things I'm excited about...
It's almost 2am here,so instead of trying to follow a linear line of thought,and worry about what/when...I'll brainstorm abstractly...trusting in whatever comes,b/c this is an easy topic for me to think about.
I had been spiraling in a suicidal depression...I've had suicidal ideations all my life,from very small...but always had this strong sense that it would end me in a worse state than I was already in....but this time was worse than any other...and I believe now I was begining to grieve the loss of my partner, before he actually died....he died unexpectedly,suddenly,...and right at a time when we finally had done enough work together and on ourselves...that our passionate natures were harmonizing more and more instead of bumping heads,or being mules with each other...so this depression made even less sense to me. I am a person that's often thinking about, dreaming of,and being very sensitive to spirits,past lives...etc..and have long lines of "psychics" on both sides of my family...all of this stuff, the "meaning of life" so to speak,as much as I can love a sense of humor, I took these things very seriously,and I've been passionate about all of it..and recently...I had lost my passion(s)..and I'm someone that literally lives on "heart"...and when Sandy died...(and ironically,as usual,whenever one of us was not so well, one would be around 24/7..and kind of take care of the other, the best we knew how...and he was spending most of his last waking hours with me,making sure I was alright) He didn't usually get too too worried for me... he would say I had no idea how tough I really was,and he knew I could take care of myself...and that I would bounce back from just about anything...so this sudden drastic slide in my whole being, was something that made him feel powerless..he said so...and said he wished he knew how he could help me...but that he just did not...
However,I was noticing things about Sandy...incredible and unusual for him,too....he DID help me...I looked forward to seeing him even if he went to the store for a few things..he was my bit of sunshine,and he helped my kids feel good too...and we talked and talked the last few weeks of his life...about so many things...and he listened...instead of trying to "fix it" he listened,and I should have known consciously...looking back...something was going on...b/c I even commented on this large(spirit) male figure following him the last few months...and I asked him several times....."Who is this big guy around you all the time???He keeps looking over my shoulder,esp when I write, but he's hanging out with you, and comes and goes with you like glue...and he makes me want to smile, I can hear him comment on things,with the kind of humor I happen to love! So do you have any idea who that could be?" I liked him...I could feel him over my shoulder, esp. when I was on the computer....so that is starting to mean something to me now,too....I was surprised when Sandy immediately and with certainty said,"My dad"...b/c he tried to keep a distance from the subject of spirits...unless I was dealing with one that wouldn't be ignored..I then described the man to him..and he said,"Wow, it IS my dad"..his dad had died when he was Clay's age(12,Clay is the oldest son I have,the younger is 10,and autistic)....and he wished to have known him longer...
So...he(Sandy,or"Arthur" but not many even knew his real name) died on Sep.25th of this year..and much to the complete shock of everyone who knew him..he was always so healthy,strong...and has a mom in her 90's who is mentally and physically very healthy.anyway...to me this was the unkindest cut of all...besides losing a child...this was....crushing....still dealing...but I even started talking to my oldest son about maybe mummy has to go spend a little time in a "hospitol"...and NOT anything I'd EVER say unless I really thought it would be the best for even my kids in the long run...I just wanted to die...not sleeping, even less than my usual 3-4 hrs a night...I was afraid...I hadn't been writing,or on my computer in months,being the nerd I am looking up information on everything...I love learning...every little thing was a huge effort even before he died, but now I had been non-stop crying,marvelling at how a person can have so much fluid to make tears continuously,and one point my eyes swelled almost totally shut...and one night....I felt like a pull to sit at my computer,I went to get up at first,thinking to get back on the couch but actually tripped over my own feet to end back in the chair, not too gracefully...and I started to cry all over,and outloud,started pleading with Sandy,"Please...please Sandy..I always told you I don't think I can stand living if you died before me...why?I was the one that wanted to..while you dreamt of the future....what can I do? I need something,and I need it now...b/c otherwise,I think this will be the thing I don't pull out of...please,you must be in a place that let's you see better than me...help me,help me find the thing that,if there IS such a thing, that CAN help me..."
The tears suddenly stopped for a minute...b/c I was feeling something that was a very familiar feeling..and I hadn't felt anything like it for a long time...and certainly not this strong....it's this unique sensation....it happens whenever I get a strong gut instinct about something..or become inspired to write something "right away"and the words come without thought....I could also hear alot of "murmuring" and felt like a flurry of activity around me...unseen but not unfelt...and I paid attention..b/c mostly I had been in a very narrow dark place...and to feel such a surge of energy that wasn't my own abject sorrow...made me aware,and I waited...my hands got very hot, and started tingling..this happens at certain times too,writing,or when I feel the urge to massage someone..and then it was like a dream-like feeling....kind of in a different feeling of time...b/c I'm like busy bee,or if not busy...I have enough nervous energy to normally be thinking too fast,and multi tasking...and this is a state where I am just thinking about what is right in front of me...it's a relief...and when I'm like that,I know I'm getting help or some kind of guidance..and I logged on my computer...which wasn't my expectation,thinking notebook and pen would be next...and as much as I'm normally thinking about these things we speak about here..I wouldn't have normally thought to look up "afterlife" in a search...b/c I have done much reading..and knew I needed no convincing about it...b/c of my life,and the experiences in it....so I'm really not sure what happened,but this was the first thing that struck my eye,and the very first place I searched out...and the thing that felt so good,was I could clearly feel Sandy...though I felt a group around me(almost like when I died having my oldest),we both did,had half our blood gone,and needed several transfusions...ect...but I remember as I went into surgery(before any drugs were administered),it was an emergency c-section birth...but having seen spirits all my life...I saw figures standing around my bed or "table",and they were packed tight close to each other,and I knew that only I could see them,or they certainly would have caused a stir...lol...b/c they were unlike other apparitions....they were like shadows with substance,almost like in dark robes..but the thing was I could not see any features or faces....and oddly enough,though,I never felt that kind of peace and love emanating from any spirits I had ever been in contact with...and they were packed so tight in a circle,except for one area, just big enough to fit another one of "them"..and I understood that I was dying,and when I did,I would go and fill that empty "space" there,and the space itself was filled with white light, bright bright....the reason I bring this up...is that it wasn't just a feeling of many spirits around, it had that same, unusually strong and "pure"loving feeling..it reminded me of that time...
I love pictures..I feel you can see so much in them..and the first thing my tired mind fixed on was Bruce's picture(see,normally I'd be skeptical of web-sites like these..b/c I lived with a few people,unfortunately well respected in their communities...unfortunate b/c they claimed to be psychic..but had limited abilities,enough to hook people in,though...but so very fake,things I saw there broke my heart,I had helped with the physical stuff of building and fixing an old home b/c of construction ability and the stregth to do it, in trade for rent,the first place the kids and I lived after leaving my abusive husband,so I wanted to make it work...and felt I helped create a horrible place..b/c people searching for guidance are exploited by them for money for one,they claim,and boast to be "master souls",and right away I thought,if you were I doubt you'd say it,but soooo much purposeful misleading for selfish gain...I still feel sick about it, and knew what to look for with people who were genuine..it killed me to think that these people could possibly turn many away from spirit, once they realise they've been decieved, not me, but b/c I already knew from a young age,there is no death,I was fortunate...and it didn't take long to see it..and there are many unfortunate happenings..but with things close to my heart...it really is hard for me to take..I tried to warn..but found it to be hurtful not helpful if people have been pulled into it...the bottomline is that this experience did help me to spot insincerity very easily and there are many ways to test it,and see it..and even Bruce's picture struck me b/c of the eyes...you can see so much in someone's eyes even through photography... and when I read a bit about him..it was so familiar..and I started visiting the board..and spilling....writing...grieving...and right away...I felt connection to everyone somehow,esp.certain people...and I knew that I was brought here by Sandy and his helpers..to help me through this...and more..it's just the kind of thing perfect for my growth,and I have recieved more encouragement, guidance, understanding, empathy from here than any other sources in my life put together...it's even helped me help my kids,just b/c of the easing or comforting of the soul, helps me be a comfort more fully for others.It's due to many things..one thing is that when things happen in life that causes me to need the help of others,there is usually not people readily in reach that I can talk to about the things that I'm really thinking of,and experiencing with things..so find myself being superficial...not b/c I want to be...but b/c I know these topics are often loaded ones...and can cause fear in people...so meanwhile,I feel lacking in relationships..finding a hard time maintaining friendships,esp.if I feel they are so surface it's hard to maintain interest....not saying the people I know are shallow...etc...it's just...there's a different level of understandings and interests here,and that's the stuff that helps me want to live another day.
There are a good number of people,either passing through my life,or in it..that I feel history with right away...and can feel that very familiar feel,and sense the essence of different relationship roles,from different incarnations..and what is interesting to me..is that with a couple people here...I really strongly feel that familiarity..and even Sandy....I can often feel him here,with me...he was not a big reader in life..but I think he's kind of listening to my thoughts broadcasting the stuff I read..and feel him react too,to certain people...and even certain material...I'll hear like a, "Oh,that's right,Tanja...you used to talk about that and I did think you were downright nuts..but loved you anyway...but you know,you weren't so far off the mark.." and even sometimes...and of course,feel free to take anything I ever write here with a grain of salt....but I can feel him searching out things he never would have wanted to think too much about, or scoffed at...like some topics here, so I feel this even helps HIM...and sometimes I swear I pick up on cross talk between him and whoever is with him,there seem to be a few...and he admits,he had help from helpers that knew of this..and even some of mine wanted me to get here a while back,I think...but Sandy has always had a way of getting my attention...and as I grieve,and go through doubts, good days,bad days..I always get something here...and sorry so long..but I thought this had the potential to be my longest post ever, b/c I regularly am still amazed at just how I really got here....it wasn't my own thinking...and the mix of people here is special, and I respect how respectful this place is..and people seem to be conscious of how and what they say...making it a safe place to be yourself......whew!!! That is SO enough out of me...but it honestly has had a strong feeling of reunion,and coming home of some kind for me when I'm here,or thinking about it....Take Care...Tanja
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