I am like a kid in a candy shop lately with these boards, or like a bull in a china closet...lol. Either way,I have found such comfort, wonderful people and resources here; and then now, when something incredible and heart-warming happens in the way of things related to these topics,I finally have a place to come and share this with...instead of writing it in my journal,which is great, but it can't talk back to me..
I am still kind of on a roller-coaster with my emotions,of course,missing my Sandy very much, even though I have the intellectual and intuitive knowing that he's absolutely in a good place, and I am blessed to be able to be as in tune with that as I am. I have wonderful dreams with him, and during those there is a break from the grief, b/c for at least that short time I'm asleep, I feel completely "with" him...so I know that I am extremely lucky,even to have had him in my life,and even still,some days are better than others.Today I just couldn't shake this ..sharp ache, and my eyes are rather swollen and I feel as haggard as I'm sure I look...and I was thinking too much perhaps, in my own head...and worrying,for one thing. The day Sandy died we were going out to buy winter jackets for the kids...and he was excited insisting on buying them himself, b/c the kids had come to expect that, b/c they loved his taste in things like that, esp.my oldest,who is 12,and the one having a terrible time with Sandy's death. His own dad has unfortunately broken lots of promises,and is largely absent from their lives, and when they have gone to see him,he is usually drinking abusively....so Sandy became "dad", coaching basketball and Little League teams...being there year after year....Clay's confidant and male role model. My oldest is also sensitive, and has also experienced Sandy in some of the same ways I have,and then we've each had individual experiences, all good, and even discuss these with each other daily. My oldest said he had a rough day today too, and it was evident by his lack of usual energy, joking and affectionate manner. He was quiet, distant, and moody..Sandy was the type,also,who was admirably generous with what he had and as a result, he didn't have much materially except the basics. I am not materialistic, and I am good with money, a saver for sure....and being as poor as I am now,I have to be..lol.I'm one of those who pays bills as soon as they come and will budget strictly..and we could both go to extremes in those opposite ways. But he taught me to sometimes treat myself and to be a bit more relaxed, and I helped him rein in just enough to take care of himself a bit, too, b/c he just loved to give,to help people out. It was nothing for him to hand me money all the time,which I would make go a long way(and always put some aside for him, b/c I knew he'd be broke,and might needsomethng before his next payday) He'd split his last buck with someone he felt needed it.
So, I was feeling more and more heavy in my heart, and after feeding the kids dinner,went into my room,sat on the edge of my bed and put on some of my favorite music,and just sat.That's when the rest of this day/evening took a whole new turn. I was talking to him in my mind,and telling him how I was feeling,and as I was,I could feel him next to me on my bed, like we've sat and talked thousands of times in life. I always loved his touch,and the energy from his hands,(I have chronic lower back problems,and my neck and shoulders are full of arthritis and tension.I have a serious enough back injury that turned into a degenerative thing and I've been on rather heavy pain meds for years now...though I am so used to them,and take the lowest possible dose.. but will end up in majoy surgery when I can no longer control the pain and/or nerve damage gets too extensive..I was actually involed in a student doctor study, b/c they had rarely seen such degeneration in someone my age, and it's been chronic, though I have worked back-breaking jobs since early teens)and Sandy often massaged my neck, shoulders and back. When he did,I would always break out in goosebumps,which made him laugh,they would be only in the area he was working on..and his hands...I kept telling him that instead of carpentry,(which he loved but was tiring of the feast or famine of the construction field,and the nature of the work as he got older)....that he should get into massage. I actually heard him answering me in his voice, but it felt vibrational too...and I could feel this wonderful heat and spreading energy on my neck and shoulders,the way I did when he would rub me..and even broke out in the goosebumps,one arm at a time...
I was feeling better about things,just from this feeling of intimacy with him, and when I came out of my room,my son reported to me that he felt like he was feeling Sandy around the house, and that our dog was responding to something he couldn't see in a familiar, excited way at times while I was in the room. I had no idea there was more to come...
I had not heard from his family since the wake,as he didn't keep in close touch,except with his mom, but even then not real regular..there's reasons to this..and his son who's my age,lives in a different state,and I had not yet met him, until Sandy's wake...the family was kind of estranged in a way...I had spontaneously written a letter for his brothers and his son,esp. his son...and I felt Sandy helped me write this. I gave it to his son at the wake,and didn't really expect he'd read it,and had just missed seeing his mom(though we met a few times in the past) His mom,now in her mid 90's,is weaker and sicker than when I met her years ago..I was worried about his family,knowing Sandy had so much he wanted to say and mend with them,and also didn't expect to hear from anyone. I was ok with it, but hoped that my letter was understood,...there's a lot more to that...but anyway, I checked the mail late, and there was a thank-you card...with a hand-written note from his mom...I am not sure how she had my street address even, but she told me that my letter was a "priceless gem" to her and his(Sandy's) son. She said esp.his son,that it answered some things for him that were tormenting him....I was sooo grateful and surprised to see this...
Now,I'm really just thinking,wow,it couldn't get any better than this.....what a load off my mind! Yet there was more. As I was thinking about his mom,it hit me that she really reminded me alot of my grandmother..who I loved dearly, and died when I was about 10or11...she was so accepting of me,and I wished I had known her longer,b/c I am told she was very "psychic"...Although we were very close,my mom admitting she was even kind of jealous...and then I thought about the ring she left me...gold,with I think amethist stones. A very pretty and interesting ring,a perfect fit,and I remembered admiring it as a kid.That ring had been recently stolen by someone I was trying to help with an addiction problem. I can be trusting, and that ring,with a few other gold ones, (one being Sandy's ring),were all in the bathroom one day b/c I was cleaning them.I didn't even think about that when this girl came over in crisis,even when she used the bathroom a few times,for a rather long time and I was hoping she wasn't doing anything in there that would cause an overdose..She abruptly left,and when I returned to the task the rings were gone. I found out then that she was notorious for stealing right under people's noses, and I should have known better,since she had taken me for some money in the past..but I didn't give it a thought. I do understand addiction like hers will become too expensive to feed without theft...long story..but I really worked on letting it go, trying to understand,though I had wished anything but that ring of my grandmoms was stolen in it's place. It was the one thing of hers I had,and it was priceless b/c of that.She did admit to the theft,and partly b/c she was honest about it, I had forgiven the incident,but had to distance from her. What I'm about to say....is totally unlike anything that's ever happened to me. If people can get through this novel, I'd love to know if anyone's had this kind of occurance, b/c this is simply amazing to me. I took off my earrings for the night..and went to put them into the small glass open container that is always open in the middle of my desk,with my five favorite pairs of earrings in it,and sitting right in the middle on top of the earrings was the ring,my grandomom's ring that was stolen. I swear,swear, swear it's the truth. I'm actually shaking,but not fearful, just..amazed.This is a new phenomenon to me,my son was stunned as well when I showed him. I kept saying,"How could this be??"And my son and I sat at the kitchen table,and he said,"Sandy,mom,it has to be him"..and as he said it,the shade to my window in front of the table, shot up from being all the way down...and this is a window that's behind the table enough that we keep the shade down at all times b/c it's hard to get to. I've never seen that shade go up like that, with such force that it spun in the brackets...and when I have tried to raise that shade,it's always stuck..maybe it was coincidence, but I sincerely doubt it...b/c both myself and Clay(my son) could feel him, and we both felt he was having alot of fun with this.Then...the last part,which is something I WISH had happened before,lol..and I'll finally end..
So..I couldn't wait to come on here, and share this...and earlier, I had written in the dream forum..and it inspired me to look for the few dream books I know I have around here somewhere..I'm a book person. I got out what I wanted,and at the last minute spotted a small book I had from college days. I pulled it out..a Freud book, and no matter what his flaws were,I have a soft spot for Freud
. I was thumbing through it to see if it would be of any use in regards to some of my latest dreams,and smack in the middle of the book,it opened to reveal...and I still cannot believe this,a neatly folded up 100 dollar bill. I made some kind of noise of shock,and my son came out of his room,and the other notable thing was that the dollar itself was warm in the middle of where it was folded...and we both felt a tingling sensation from it....I am WAY too aware of where I put my cash,and don't like to carry larger bills....
I honestly don't know what I'd think if I heard all this,but I swear that this really happened! I'm sure it's a once in a lifetime thing...I am not deluded enough to think I will continue to have money simply appear
but I am amazed at this...he only recently passed,and I just haven't ever had this thing where materials are there,that weren't..I mean NO WAY would I have put money, esp.that kind, in a book,Sandy never picked up a book, and I've used my dream books since college, and certainly would have noticed if this small book had fallen open to a 100 bucks. I was just thinking,if only I had even part of that, b/c the kids growing so fast,needing coats,and I had spent all I saved recently when my car engine needed to be replaced entirely..and Sandy would always hand me one or two 100 dollar bills every time he got paid,(and also would on top of that, bring us out,movies,dinners,things for the kids..and it was useless to try and stop him from it ...even when he didn't technically live here..though we spent several years under the same roof,and were getting ready to move back in.........OK already anyone patient enough to read this my hat's off to you...I just HAD to share this...and would like to know if anyone here is familar with getting physical from the unphysical...I've had help in finding things, in the past,things I misplaced, or had things missing,then put back in plain sight...but those things were already here...but this really has me totally shocked..and I'm hard to shock...(had my pencil sharpener crash to the floor waking me,banging in walls,all kinds of things,seeing, hearing...etc. and some scarey things...but not shocking,as I'm used to those things)and I kind of thought that souls needed a bit of time to adjust to their astral or light bodies at first?...Best wishes to all...Tanja
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I just have to share this... (Read 2988 times)
