This was a PM that I sent to Caryn in response to her last post.  I did ask her if it was okay to post it on the forum and she agreed - for which I thank her.

My children (I have three, a son aged 19, and two daughters aged 17 and 13) and I have coped very well with John's passing.  I believe that we had 2 years to get used to idea.  In the two years I "woke up", joined this forum and another one (which I found extremely supportive and have made some wonderful personal friends) and this made his passing easier.  I have accepted that he has not "died" in the sense of the word - he has just crossed over.  I was with him while he was in a coma and talked to him about where he would be going and what to expect.  I believe he heard me as he seemd quite restless.  It was with a sense of peace that I let him go.  My son was with me, as was John's mother and siblings. 

I prepared my children for John's transition.  I always told my children that it was an honour to nurse their father to the most important event of his life - his death.  Even if John did not want to talk about it, I made sure that I spoke about it constantly to my children, to get them ready to accept the idea of life without a "physical" father.  I was always there to listen to anything they wanted to say, and sometimes I introduced the topic to them - not always a welcome conversation.  And John wasn't always easy to live with.  There were many times that he was angry and nasty with the children, but I would take them aside and explain why he was this way.  I treated him with PUL even on the days when I wanted to hit him on the head!!! LOL!!

On the day he passed over (in a hospice) I came home to a house filled with laughter and joy and music - my children had their friends over. 

In the days following John's transition, we talked and laughed and reminisced about John.  I made sure, and I still do, that we talk about him all the time - be it good or bad memories - after all he wasn't a saint!! 

I believe that my children are well adjusted.  Yes, they do have SAD days, but these are rare.  They are able to talk to me about their father and I make sure that I always listen.  I too have bad days, but the good days far outweigh the bad days. 

So for this family, it is neither "heart wrenching" nor "agonising".  We may be unusual, I don't know, but I can honestly say that we are coping very well.  I believe its all in the attitude.  If I had taken the attitude that this was a devastating loss, then that would have translated to my children.  Of course, losing John was devastating but I decided to look at it in a different way.  I just changed my whole attitude to death.  And, as I've said, I've made contact with him, and so have other retrievers, and he is robust and healthy - no sign of the mesothelioma that ravaged him.

Hope I can make you see a different perspective - that not all death is "heart wrenching".

With Love
Irene

One thing I like to point out, because it seems to get lost in the shuffle, is that there is absolutely no *necessary* connection between believing in a deity(s) and belief in an afterlife.  A total atheist could believe in an afterlife as a kind of "law of nature" thing...that when you die you "fall" into the afterlife just like if you step off a cliff you fall due to the natural law of gravity.  My Dad was an atheist, and still believed in any number of spiritual things...just not that there was a "god" or controlling entity.  More a collection of natural laws, and possibly a very self - "actualized" maybe?  population in the afterlife...

I do know that I would get pretty peevish if someone started on me about Jesus and the Bible when I was on my death bed.  Definitely if you're going to go there, find out their feelings first.  It is extremely unlikely, in this culture anyway, that they haven't been exposed to those teachings, and likely were even raised to some degree in a church.  Most people I know who aren't Christian started out at least nominally so, and left it, rather than didn't ever know about it.  Whether someone would do so or not, a lot of us are conditioned by experience to expect any one who starts in that vein to hang on like a bulldog and refuse to back down, and it's vey stressful when someone starts.

I agree with Cricket. It doesn't matter whether or not people believe in Jesus, God or anything especially on their deathbed. And the last thing a dying person does not need is to be preached to. Listening is the whole key to helping someone pass over. If they express doubts as to an afterlife, etc., then something can be mentioned what the hospice worker believes in, if they feel that it will be well received and if the person seems to want this.  I feel that all paths lead to God no matter what the person's belief or non-belief is.

Love, Mairlyn

Rob_Roy i understand what you are saying.  I do think it is very important to be aware and awake though.

I do think it is time for me to have a break from this great forum.  I have really said all I wanted to say.  I wish you all the very best - you are wonderful people and may Love and Light be with you always.

PUL
Caryn