I'm new here.  My story is long and involved and i'll try to make it short and understandable.  

I went with a guy for a year and a half.  I was 17 to 18.  So was he.  We were very much in love, however our relationship was turning sour.  Meaning that we began arguing, he was cheating on me, and once, right before he died, we were violent.  The night before he died he called me.  My sister answered and I told her to tell him that I never wanted to see him again.  hmmmmmmmm...that night i had a dream that he was in a helicopter accident.  The next day,the only person that I told about the dream was my father.  The night after the dream he was killed in a jeep accident.. Of course i was devastated.

That was in Sept. 1969.  I've been married for 30 years now.  My relationship with my husband is okay.  We are making it through a hard time of his internet cyber sex addiction.  However, when I found out about 5 years ago, our relationship became violent.

During a very emotionally broken time, i got the movie "Waking the Dead" with Jennifer Connely.  God...that was my story.  It seemed like Dave was talking to me through that movie; especially through the music.  Every bit of dialouge seems like it's me and Dave.  It's sooo uncanny.  

Since then so much has happened.  I realized i didn't ever really grieve, that i did actually love him, and he me.  

Now, it keeps getting bigger.  My sister says it's dave trying to tell me something.  it just keeps getting bigger..it doesn't go away.  I feel his presence, I feel his love.  

The only reason why i'm writing this is because it seems like the place to sort of vent.  I love my husband, but i realize that God provides and shows us so much love right when we feel unloved, in the most unusual ways.  

About a week ago i was listening to the dave matthews band.  A song called "Stolen Away On 3rd and 55th".  It was like dave was talking to me through that song.

anyway, i have skepticism big time.  but it doesn't go away.

any comments will be appreciated!

Dave, thank you so much for your reply.  I do feel as if there was 'unfinished' business.  I'm not aware that I blame myself for his death anymore.  I did feel that way not too long ago. 

I feel as if he still loves me, and i still love him.  I don't feel guilty anymore about that 'love' feeling.  To be honest...i want to say good-bye.  I mean really say good-bye.  I would like to see him, face to face...and (as the dialouge in the movie says) have one more moment of sweetness. 

I feel his presence so often...but one side of me says it's a farce...it's my desires...etc etc....

thanks though...for your reply...it was very, very kind of you...

i think that by "him staying here bugging you" is a reference to him staying on earth in nonphysical form attempting to make contact with you for one reason or another.

Hi Peggy,
If I havn't misread your first post, you are now having a hard time with your husband, which triggered the contact with your former, past away lover?
It doesn't need to be that Dave is hanging around you because he can't get to the light, he could also be with you to help you, as a helper or guide. Often loved ones help in times of trouble, Dave could be doing just that.
He can make his presence felt because you are thinking of him with love.

You write that him being around gives you a nice feeling and that you like it. He gives you courage and love with that, which you probably need now. Also this situation brought you on a path where you start to think about life after death or better, you are slowly introduced to the spiritual world.

I don't see it negative. You feel comfortable with him around, you start to search for answers and even post on a board about afterlife and spiritual things. To me that sounds as Dave functioning as a guide or helper to help you through difficult moments and move your thoughts from the difficult situation towards a point where you can grow and explore new things.

He doesn't sound like a "lost soul" to me.

I am able to have a break.  I'd like to ask some questions:  I have lost 5 diamonds in the past 5 years.  Ever since my life has been 'upset' by some conflicts. (which, by the way, God has used to truly help me!) My sister, who is very spiritually sensitive, told me that she thinks that Dave might be 'doing it" to get my attention.  She said that in the spiritual realm, those type of things mean nothing.  I agree.  I've often said outloud, "Dave, show me where my diamond is."  I had a very expensive diamond that was my grandmother's just fall out of the setting.  (no one told me that you're supposed to have the prongs checked regularly. )  This just happened three weeks ago.  It's pretty upsetting because I didn't have insurance on it.  

Well, I sort of make these 'deals' or requests of God.  "If this Dave thing is real, then I'll find my diamond."  

Two years ago, when I first saw the movie that made me think it was Dave trying to say that he loved me and he was sorry something interesting happened.  The song is "Watching the Snow Come Down".  The words were like his words to me....

"I know you feel the way I feel
though you don't want to say.
I know you feel the way I feel,
though it's not the easy way.  
I dont' want to f___ things up
I just want to love you.

Wouldn't you like to be with me watching the snow come down?"

Anyway, those are the words to the song.  Well, it was around Christmas two years ago.  I felt compelled to do a memorial ad in the paper in the town where we both lived.  It went something like this:

"thank you for loving me.  Yes, I want to be with you
watching the snow come down.  My heart understands."

I put that in on Christmas eve. On Christmas day, when we were going to that town to be with my sisters I said a prayer.  "God, if this means anything at all...You'll make it snow on Christmas."

No forecast of snow in my city nor my sisters.  I was resigned that it was all wishful thinking and that I'd have to accept that.  At 10:30 pm...my niece yelled..."Hey, it's snowing!!"  I went outside with her to see these giant, soft beautiful snowflakes fall.  They covered the car and the grass etc.  While I was standing there I truly felt as if it were a gift.  It only did that for about 15 minutes.  

Back to now:....... Last night I prayed that if Dave were really 'here', I would dream of him...I didn't.  I'm pretty sad. But even so, it seemed so real.  

Help me understand....

peg wrote on Aug 8^th, 2006 at 12:48pm:


Try not to want too much at one time. Not everytime you ask for a "proof" the proof shows up..
Your first dream is a very symbolic one. The crack in his stone, in my idea, symbolises that your vision about death is going to change and due to your birth certificate it probably will give you a new (way of) life. It's a process you're in.

The second dream doesn't sound like a dream, more like you joined him walking to his new "home".

Take your time, you'll meet the right persons on the right places to help you further when you are ready for it.

Love daan.

Trust Love, peg.
It's a part of a bigger truth also Love.
It's been made less for the last century
but we --you, 'everyone'-- are helping to
bring it back.
bets

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last 5 years.  I have prayed for peace, and I have received it, especially when I really needed it.  I am a traditional Christian I guess you would say.  I became a Christian in the Jesus movement (three years after Dave's death) and had a major "experience" with God.  I'm the doubting Thomas and apparently needed that.  But, it was sort of like I was there, on the hill or whatever when Jesus died etc.  and it all became very real to me.  That's when I decided to love Him.

I've also gotten very screwed up from dogma and legalism.  I trust God (love) that He will lead me to whatever I need to be 'healthy'.  Yet sometimes I feel that I have great ways to avoid pain.  Ex:  the pain of my marriage problems.  That's when I become confused.  You  know, the age old argument that plays over and over in one's head:  "is this me, is it my fault, am I not willing to take responsibility for this????"  Meaning when I found out about my husband's sexual addiction.  

So, when I feel especially not so close to my husband, or if we're in an unhealthy fight, I sense Dave's presence.  His presence all started to become "real" to me when my husband and I had our worst stuff....which I'll spare you from.  It was the same stuff Dave and I started getting into when he died.  After he died, I comforted myself by saying things like, "our relationship was turning pretty unhealthy.." or..."we were just addicted to each other, we didn't love each other."

Now, I carry a letter Dave wrote me after we had been going together a little while with me in my wallet.  It says:

Peg,

I've been going with you clost to five months now and I haven't regretted a second of it.  Remember when we first started going together at the bowling alley?  Well hon, I was happy then and I haven't stopped being happy since then.  Even when your dog died and we buried it, and the fight we had on the picnic with Bec and Mike.  I might have been depressed at times, but I've always been happy with you, and Peg whenever you feel disgusted with me or feel like you hate me, just read this and remember that I love you more than anything or anybody in this world and I'll never stop loving you no matter what happens to us.

                                   Love forever,
                                         Dave

Soooooooo, there you have it.  There's a song in "my" movie by Peter Gabriel that i totally relate to.  And a part of that song..."words support like bone."  When I feel unloved, i read that.  

But maybe, just by writing and talking about this to people that I don't know, (safe people), the whole thing will just fade.

Thanks for letting me ramble.......