A cousin, well step cousin past away day before yesterday. He died in a car crash, his car ended up on his roof and I'm sure it was quick. A friend following came round the corner to all the shattered peices across the road in a cover of dust, he relised what had happened and slammed on the brakes but still hit his best friends, my cousins car, his car ended up on its roof also but he managed to get out before falling over from shock and not relising what was going on untill the paramedics where there taking him away, he wanted to see my cousin but they said he couldn't....my cousin wasn't in a good state, already dead, (believed to be killed straight away) but in a mess.

I cannot come to terms...cannot accept this has happened....i hardly spoke to him, we got on well but were never friends purly on who we were but still you know....how can it be this person isn't here anymore? everything i believe in on here cannot help with this...i can't come round to it...i only saw him the day before in his car at the shop, he was well loved and I visited today the scene, flowers lay there covering the side of the road, pictures of him, how can it be he isn't here? this person who was 2 days ago walking, breathing, laughing enjoying life not be here, taken away, he has so much going on, how can this person not be walking. Its not real, i can't believe that this person is not here, this person is dead, lifeless in their physical body, is no more here.

I feel so much for his dad and it makes me cry, they fell out, he was kicked out the house, yet a couple of days before they were going to meet up this very weekend to sort everything out which they would have done. He wrote his dad a letter saying he wants to come work with him, he loves him deep down no matter what has been said.....yet hes not here this weekend... he was meant to ring my cousin that night to sort out going on tonight...the weekend before a few people told him to stop pushing the driving too far as it would all end in tears....

how can a person exsist and suddenly not here...i cant begin to accept, understand, relise, i saw a picture today at the roadside of him standing there smiling....yet hes not here, hes not gonna walk in the pub like he usually does every saturday, hes not going to be cracking his jokes he does...how can a person be taken away.

I am only his half cousin, we didn't really become friends but i cannot accept this, he can't really be dead is all im thinking but i know he is. A few mates and me and my cousins went round my cousins flat and sat in the lounge laughing and crying together over some beers remembering him, its all so surreal, and wrong.

i don't really know what i wanted out of this post, but how ya do it? how do you come to terms, accept, relise this person actually isn't here, all these un opened issues which are going to be haunting his dad and my auntie. i have tears in my eyes now...i just cant accept this. And it doesn't matter whether or not i believe hes over the other side looking down....it isn't real here, i dont know what to say or do.

yet without being cruel to him i hope the day never comes where someone who is really really close to me passes, maybe because he was taken the way he was it is hard....still when a person real close goes and i can't imagine how you can cope. I was young when my grandad died so although sad could'nt comprehend what i do today.

its just so wrong, it cannot be happening, this person here we will never see again...ever...and i cannot accept this at all or begin too.

What are you suppose to do???

Chilipepperflea,

I'm sure you know you can research the grief process on the internet.   But let me share some thoughts about the first step--a good funeral.   I've occasionally been present at the moment of death and have performed many funerals.   A good funeral is one that properly celebrates the life of the deceased.  Ministers who instead preach an impersonal sermon on our mortality do not facilitate the grieving process.    A proper celebration does not try to portray the deceased as more saintly than he was, but tries to create a multi-faceted portrait that can release the survivors' memories.   The minister selected must be willing to discreetly function as a reporter during and/or prior to calling hours to ensure that he has sufficient material.   Humorous anecdotes about the deceased are often the most cathartic because they break the tension created by the solemnities and release the loved ones' affection in a powerful way.

The presiding minister should leave time for family members and close friends to publicly share their reflections on the deceased.   Many will rebel at this suggestion on the grounds that this will be too hard for them emotionally.   A good way around this problem is to offer this strategy: the minister plans to open the floor to spontaneous or planned sharing.   The loved ones should be encouraged to plan what they might say, but should be assured that they won't be called upon.  This escape clause takes the pressure off.   In my experience, people find an unexpected courage in the spontaneity of the moment that would elude them, if they were pressured to make a speech commitment.   If loved ones find themselves able to publicly eulogize the deceased, this can be enormously helpful in facilitating a healthy grief process.  

Finally, it is important to attend the brief graveside service, and not just the funeral service.   This helps bring a healing finality to what has happened and minimizes the later pain of denial.  You might thnk of discussing these issues with family members and with whoever presides over the funeral service.  At the very least, if you can find the strength to publicly share warm reflections, you will aid our own healing process.

In my view, if father and son were frustrated in a planned effort at reconciliation, this makes it more likely that the son will communicate with his Dad from beyond the grave.  Remember, 50% of Americans report such postmorten contact within the first year of the death.

God bless you,
Don

Hi Ryan, it's ok to go thru the stages of grieving when someone just checks out, sometimes not even bothering to say goodbye. I thought since I was hip on spirits, had talked with them, interacted, I could deal with my husbands sudden departure..not so; nothing effects us so much as death does and even knowing theres an afterlife, we dont escape the homework that must be done thru the grief process.
Mike and I had agreed to meet out there, whichever one of us went first, so my grief was somewhat salved by this; and after I got over my initial outburst to meet with him out there, I told him I'd remember only the love, the good times..I'd get to the gratitude. I had him 11 years in my life. that was something to be happy about.
even after that initial meeting I still stuffed the grief, still had to go thru it just like any other widow. all my knowledge seemed like for nothing to know what I knew. he had to come back one more time just to unplug me from it..thats what I call love. but I guess I had to take some of the credit...one has to be open and willing and able from both sides to make contact. it was all about love in the end; each of us doing only what was best for the other person. it was best for him he told me if I would get over the pain because he was tied to that pain..thinking maybe he caused it..he didn't cause the pain, once I told him, you did nothing wrong by dying and I can stand by you by living. I only want to do this for you, he asked me to smile, thats all; I nearly broke me durn face to smile..for him..not for me. he was my soul mate. its always about love that goes between two people, that will not die. I
am sure your cousin gained something in this life to take home with him and from what spirits have told me, they need us to think on the love, the positive side of it, as that helps them feel good about themselves, whatever their next task or project is, they still think about us here and ways to break thru the veil.  send love, they will appreciate all hopeful and loving thoughts.

Don,

Your post was thoughtful and helpful.  I hope it helped Ryan.  Ryan, I can't say I have any answers here.  Only that our minds can never figure out the "whys"  or "what ifs" at times like this.

I think a key point in Don's post is that friends and family come to terms with grief.  For the dead, there is no grief - it is we living who cry.  Yet our spirits respond, slowly heal and come to terms with this unpredictable life and death of ours and our family/friends.

Condolences,

Matthew

Dear Ryan

I agree entirely with what Kathy said.  My heart goes out to you.  You are a strong wise person and no doubt with your astral travelling you will have some contact with your cousin which will help ease your pain and grief. 

Much love to you.

Irene

Dear Ryan,

I am so sorry to hear about this. After the shock wears off, go ahead and grieve as it's a worthwhile process.  And I'm sure that someday you will contact him, when the time is right.

With Love,
Mairlyn

This sounds kind of like what happened with
me a couple months ago, with my cousin who
shot himself.
I didn't know him very well either, seen him only
twice in my life... but it still sucked big time.
He'd just been booted out of his house too, by
his wife... so he was in an emotional morass,
maybe sort of like your step-cousin was...
(Forgive me, for comparing your loss to mine
though - mine was a suicide after all.)
But you know, something funny happened a
couple weeks later. I was drinking in my car,
and I said, "This one's for you, Pat", then I
cracked the beer and started drinking it.
Right away, my seatbelt (I didn't have it on)
slid down audibly. Half-drunk, I asked, "was that
you, Pat?"
The seatbelt slid back up to its original position,
again audibly.
I checked that seatbelt, and there was TENSION
on it, I had to PULL it to make it slide down again.
I'm not saying I believe anything "spooky"
happened here. (Personally, I'm not sure I WANT
for it to have been anything but a coincidence...)
But that's what happened. Who knows what it
means? ANYTHING is possible.
Maybe there's something to "pouring a 40-ounce on your homey's grave"..?
I had some of the people here try to contact
him, and you know... there wasn't much that
I'd find convincing that they told me, but they
didn't tell me anything UN-convincing either...
Anyway, good luck Chili, and sorry for your loss.

B-man

  Man..B-Man, more and more i'm beginning to think you're a closet Mystic   (sshhh don't worry, i won't tell anyone...).

 Hi Ryan, hope you don't mind me making a joke on this thread (i know you appreciate humor), i'm not making light of your pain...  I watched my best friend and Mother battle with cancer for 4 long years when i was in my teens, and i very much know how much death seems unbelievably final, and unyielding...   I was pretty numb for awhile, and didn't seem to care all that much and chalked it up being completely detached towards death because of my spiritual beliefs, and thinking grief was selfish anyways...   Well, it was repressed big time, and a year later it hit me, and hit me hard...  If you ever need anyone to talk to, just p.m me ok...  Crying is good, hitting a punching bag, or even just a lot of warm hugs...and poetry..poetry big time brother, helped me out a lot.

 Much Love and much hope/faith in your healing