I played with this koan the early part of the week as a diversion from work stuff and to formulate a response, which I thought would include my “inalienable right to experience all my emotions including anger” paper-which I never posted and then relate it to C1, perceptual blocks, and ultimately-retrievals. But instead wound up reporting experiences that are happening in my C1 world that are sort of bringing these things out anyway.  I do apologize up front for the boring tale and seemingly meandering path I needed to take to tie my beliefs, action, and results to this thread and then relate it to the purpose of the board.  So those of you who are interested, please bare with me.  As for others, just stroll on by.  I take no offense.   

Day 1:To begin, Thursday morning, my husband seemed ok enough after attempting to clear his system of medications added after a long stint of just trying to acquire the pills he was already prescribed so he could stabilize, I went to work as usual.  On the way home from work, driving with my arm out the window because the evening was balmy, I suddenly noticed that my engagement ring was missing and thought, Oh carp (censors), it must have slipped off onto the road and I guess I can, “kiss that sucker Goodbye”.  Then I thought, I wonder if this indicates that my husband will be leaving soon?”  When I got home, the front door was open which, I interpreted from past experiences, as his attempt to welcome me but he wasn’t there.  Instead he was sitting on the couch in a bit of a stupor.  Throughout the evening, I watched as he lost more and more of his mobility and awareness but I had hoped it would pass because I had one more day of work before the weekend. 

Day 2:He moaned throughout the night but got up with me in the morning and seemed right enough so I left.  You know the torn loyalties dilemma-Do I go to work or care for family.  Being still very concerned, I called him in the afternoon and he responded with the right words but I sensed that he was still not really there.  He has the habit, when he wants you not to engage him, to tell you what he thinks you want to hear so that you will leave him alone.   When I got to work, the receptionist came up to me with my ring taped to a piece of paper (Miracle #1 sets the stage).  On it was written a note about finding the ring and it was signed by one of the night cleaning crew.  Now you have to understand that the cleaning crew consists of individuals, who are clients of MH agency, which I work for, some of whom go through the C.M.s desks looking for valuables.  Three months ago, someone in the night crew swiped all the bus passes stored in desks for the clients use.  But this wonderful individual returned to me not only the ring but also the possibility of my husband deciding to stay a bit longer. 
 
But, still, I did not look forward to arriving home Friday night to possibly finding my worst fears confirmed.  They were for my husband’s condition had further deteriorated as he had actually spent most of the day in bed and had answered my call on his cell phone stating that I caught him after he was just going back to bed and excused himself by stating that he was partially asleep.  He was verging on delirium, not really knowing what was going on, still moaning and not able to control his body and shivering. He couldn’t figure out if he had to go to the bathroom or not and when he attempted to go he had trouble sitting and then when he was seated, he couldn’t urinate or remember why he was there.  That old fear radiation started to rise within me and I demand that he explain what was going on.  And of course he couldn’t so I started getting back in touch with the love exercise.

Flipping ahead to day Day 3: Now what does all this have to do with perceptual blocks and belief systems?  This morning, while my husband was still sleeping, I went back to working on the perceptual block thread and reread Bruce’s chapter on “The Perceiver & Interpreter, Components of Consciousness” in the guidebook.  He defines the Perceiver’s role as one of “observation” and this, “…information comes into our subconscious awareness as impressions, intuitions, thoughts, feelings, images, sounds, sensations, ideas, a sense of knowing, etc.” and the Interpreters role is to bring, “…what is observed to conscious awareness” which, “…is always done within the context of our beliefs, our language, and our pre-existing memories” to access the Perceivers information.

Basically my husband and I are having a typical C1 experience.  Road rage is also a C1 experience much like what is happening to my husband in that many of us get the point of being aware of the perceiver, subconscious awareness, but stop at the point of interpreter to realize that we can make a choice as to how to react.  We allow the perceiver to dictate our actions.  By the way, in my neck of the woods, if you respond to the urge of retaliating to an obnoxious driver, you risk being shot at.  Anyhow, when we work to understand the interpreter’s role in C1, IMO, we are more able to, not only recognize blocks in our perception, but to use it to change our minds to express love energy in C1, aside from being able, as Bruce says, to use it to remember the retrieval experiences, and be more effective in the various other focus levels. 

The last time my husband experienced this toxicity, 4 years ago, he lost all memory of his inability to function shortly after he recovered although it actually still lives in his “state specific memory”.  I think this is an example of Bruce’s SSM concept when he explains “click out” as an experience that our interpreter has no reference points with which to relate the experience or that a person would have to go back to that state to recall it which, IMO, might also be a mechanism for blocking unpleasant memories.  It too might be the reasons why some keep using illegal drugs and, as Bruce points out, the limitations of doing so. “Hey Man, I had the most beautiful insight, feelings, visuals, etc. last night but I just can’t remember them or re-experience them without using- fill in the blank!!!”

Anyhow, my husband simply does not remember how sick he was and he wants to keep it that way.  At any rate, during that experience, which is similar to this one, his perceiver was constantly expressing his discomfort but the interpreter was not working.  He couldn’t state his thoughts, feelings, sensations, or anything else regarding what was going on internally or what he needed me to do to assist him.  Meanwhile my perceiver was working over time in the fear area and I had trouble engaging my interpreter to assist me in knowing what action to take, I panicked, and took him to the VA emergency, which resulted in no real benefit except for the memory of it being no real benefit.  But this time it was different for me because of my increased ability to access my interrupter in combo with increased confidence in using the love exercise and the other exercises during the interim.  In other words, having the beliefs, which include to power of love and using Bruce’s exercises as opposed to allowing my fear or feelings of being “put upon” to take over created a more positive outcome.    


Getting back to Day 2, upon arriving at home last night, after another difficult day at work and finding further deterioration in my husband’s struggle with toxicity, and then struggling with feelings of tiredness and impatience versus how much I loved him and attempting to use Bruce’s love exercise, I became overwhelmed.  At this point I stopped everything and appealed to a higher source/whatever for help and then suddenly the whole atmosphere changed.  (Miracle #2 enters) I calmed and my husband stopped moaning. He was then able to work with me to get him dressed in warm clothing and he drank that liquid, which he always says will rust your pipes, and therefore avoids like the plague (water) and kept saying how good it tastes.  He was able to ask for help when he needed to urinate with no leaking all over the floor or clothes because I remembered to a bottle instead of the toilet.  My problem solving abilities started to kick in.

Meanwhile, after the atmosphere change, I got enough of a break to go to the computer but before I got on line, the phone rang and I answered it. I have only one line in and I rarely answer the house phone due to the sales calls.  The caller was an old friend who shares my Monroe/Moen interests calling to remind me that she is now in my town and wants to continue our former conversations, especially since she is remarried recently to a peer who’s also in his 70’s, and to include him in our afterlife interests since he does a lot of “work” at night (Miracle #3 happens).   

Friday night my husband slept till 2:30 am.  I was able to help him easily to relieve himself without the long trek to the bathroom and provide him with some more of that wonderful elixir (water) to flush additional medication out of his system.  He awoke a few more times and I assisted him but he mostly slept soundly, no moans, just a few, “Oh dears” and we chuckled a little when I added, “what can the matter be?” (lines from an old song).

Day 3, Saturday he woke at 11am to urinate on his own and take the birds out for their airing.  He enjoyed more glasses of water and stated that he feels more like his old self (Miracle #4 starting). He’s slowly coming back to me, cried about how much he loves me, ate a little food, cried about how delicious his milk with ice tasted, (he’s a sentimental guy), and is sleeping again as the afternoon passes. But early this evening, it appears that he is back where he was last night soon after the atmosphere change and the crisis is once again upon us and went to bed again.  In attempting to go to the bathroom, he sat then got up and wet all over the floor in front of him and when I went to get him clean underwear I asked him what I had in my hands and he responded with pajamas and maintained this response.  Needles to say, I started to get hysterical again but was able to remember how much I loved this dear man no matter what was meant to be.  He then went back to bed till I woke him up at 8pm to watch the British shows; he ate some of my sandwich and continued to watch TV till he went to bed at ten.  I’ll see what happens tomorrow.   

My point is that, in struggling to maintain the mind frame where PUL can more easily be recognized and sought after, we do indeed have the power to affect our C1 environment and sometimes achieve immediate and dramatic results.  Monroe’s reference to learning to master the (M) field, especially concerning love in the “here” and “there”, and Bruce’s love energy exercises along with other positive exercises help a lot.  So does distinguishing the purposes of perception and interpretation to work with the subconscious to deliberately remove perceptual blocks in the “here” and “there” focus levels as well.  And by being aware of all these concepts and playing around with them, we can recognize how much more we are than our physical bodies and how much actual positive power we really have. 

Day 4: Sunday morning he was up with me by 6am after an uneventful night, had some coffee, and started to make plans for writing out checks to pay the bills.  I pointed to his underwear and asked him what they were?  He responded with, “my underpants, of course”.  I then questioned him regarding the shows we saw last night and he remembered all the details and chuckled again over some of the scenes.  He’s back with the living as far as I’m concerned but we’ll take it slowly.  He’s back in bed again.  Meanwhile I’m rereading Bruce’s tale about PUL, “the glue that keeps sticking” in chapter 30, VtCF regarding the probe returning to the creator, being unconditionally loved which included “all parts of itself” and rereading ACIM’s section on Miracles to keep myself on track while I wait.       

As you can tell, drifting between living, reading, and practicing what I read, that I believe that I am effecting my environment.  Whether C1 is “real” or what I believe is true or not is beside the point. We do live our lives as best we can but I also see that, as I intentually practice exercises outlined by various readings including those of ACIM, Monroe, and Bruce, I’m experiencing less stress in my physical world than I did in the past and more fun in using my imagination.  This is happening in spite of my situation getting more intense due to aging processes in my husband, experiencing increased demands at work due to the ever-increasing MH funding crunch, and the added panic in my clients due to recent earth “disasters”. As an added bonus, I’m hoping to be better skilled and more effective as a retriever on the other focus levels and to, not only be able to meet at the crystal on November 12, but remember it.

Now another dilemma arises-should I post or not-to be or not to be that is the question! Yeah-I’m going for it!

Hi guys, you sure help me to pass time as I wait for my husband to recover.  Thanks for being here there and everywhere!

Love, Jean
                    

Jean, you certainly are affecting of your environment as you're affecting me for certain with your last post, putting me into alpha state.

I'm reminded of relationships with my mother and with my deceased husband when I read your post. I'm reminded of what ACIM taught me that "its all about relationship" to one another, or to family, then to greater family, wherein greater family includes strangers then. all of my relationships used to seem quite strange, just until the stranger became family too. I have a cute story concerning when my 83 yr old mother came to live with me so we could have a chance to mend the relationship of 20 years of virtual silence between us. u will pardon my ramblings here I hope; I try to stay on topic, its difficult. suffice it to say it's difficult being in a physical body that seems to be falling apart and your mother refuses to wear underwear and your the one elected to clean up, and btw, mom, why did it take you 20 years to get here so we could work this out? ??? she wore a halo for sure, and yes I was proud of her too and discovered I did love her after all. I wasn't sure at first. we had 4 generations of women for awhile under the same roof of consciousness. me, my daughter, my mother, and my deceased grandmother hovering over the three of us all the while, and she rules! love her too, and couldn't hardly remember speaking to her in physical reality. she had the overview the 3 of us lacked. I was just amazed how it seems once you take off the body, you can become instant mentor to an Earthling even though she had left this world in a diabetic coma.
Nanny was working it. she would help mend the relationship between my mother and I which had lain silent all those years. mom was a spunky woman who didn't know how bad she smelled, probably because she had lost her sense of smell as well as her ability to hold urine. the thing about mom was to find her good points if I wanted to have a relationship as well a closure on all the hurt had gone before. to get to the forgiveness. at age 83 this woman soon had a booming business in my living room sewing for people. where did all these people come from? and why were some of them telling me I was lucky to have her? she even managed between heart attacks to alter somebodys wedding dress, get sewing machine grease all over the front of it, and they still paid her and didn't complain; they didn't return with more sewing in this case, but they didn't complain. out in front of my house she sold fruit putting the rotten part on the bottom and still the town crowded around her for a chance to see her working it in action and to view this halo around her, they would eat whatever she told them to eat. she felt bad about my lousy childhood she said. I told her forget it, but she still continued to feel guilty. she was emersed in the life review process and nanny was working on her to remember and to forgive herself. mom would tell me what nanny said in her dream. once nanny perked her up to say "I'm proud of you!" she told me this, it made her day. when hearing about nanny saying this I realized I was saying it too! I just had not said it out loud.
I guess I admire people who refuse to die after 3 heart attacks and keep working up to the end. I just wish they would wear underwear and stop driving when the law says to stop driving. her main philosophy to get her thru life is "ya take the good with the bad" and you forgive others a trillion times like the bible says, or as many times as it takes." then she huffed away from me as if to say, I'd never understand about forgiveness. but I would.

then I think how much love is between you and your husband. it reminds me I didn't know how much I loved my own until he checked out. then I got whomped with the message that I was gonna carry on alone. actually he had to come back to tell me I wasn't helping his own situation the way I was carrying on emotionally and stuffing the grief. he came to unplug me from the grief. it was powerful and I'm still not sure how he accomplished that, i guess men are just too darn logical for me to ignore. we got our miracles to talk about. and seems in this day and age miracles will become commonplace and for me, it all starts with "I wish to see this differently, please help me see this differently."
then we can begin. love you very much Jean. I am going to look you up as soon as I'm dead. hope u don't mind me dropping in on you!

Getting back to changes due to belief changes...
(wrote this earlier)
What is interesting to me in this thread, is to see how much real
learning has been taking place, in spite of all the confusion and
uncertainty in the new material. That is, we still all have
somewhat different philosophies, but the level is much higher now.
The details are unsettled, but the overall difference is huge.
I have had doubts about bringing new ideas to people, but I see
that quite a few of us have been able to handle that and move to a
higher level of overall understanding, in spite of perplexing
things we have been exposed to.

For myself, I have the calmness of knowing that my soul will go on.
I actually believe that if a 50 mile wide asteroid came in here, I
would continue on, and my knowledge and experience would continue
to grow. I assume there are a million planets out there where I
could continue, although it would be different from Earth.

I find I do not get as emotional about seeming fate. I know what I
can control and what I do not expect to be able to control. I have
a fair picture of how much of my reality I create, and what I am
not responsible for. I can more easily shrug and say, that is just
life, and I expect some of that as part of the deal. I know that
when one door closes, another will open, and the flow of life will
continue. Also, I know that various levels of life high or low, are
acceptable so long as they constitute learning experiences.

My sense of guilt has been refined, and I don't carry a lot of
guilt about things that went wrong in exploratory experiences.
A greater variety of experience can be deemed acceptable. All I
expect of myself is that I use the knowledge that I have available
at the time.

Boris,

Your super-glad to hear from you! Yes we're all all growing at our own speed in our own way on this board and hopfully finding a bit more peace in the knowlege that, indeed. when we leave here we won't dissappear and even possibly meet again and remember the meeting. 

And for those of you who believe that you will dissappear, you will, but only for a short while because odds are that you'll be found and brought to what you would call home. Maybe even by Boris!

Love, Jean