Unfortunately WF, I feel the same way.  However, coming to terms with our subconscious beliefs and blocks is not easy and quick to do, or easy to overcome.

Bruce has some free articles on this site about making un-needed beliefs go away.  I hope that helps.


Love,

Matthew

What you have is standard life problems, that is, conflicting
desires and agendas.

It has been my experience that the only time I have accomplished
anything is when I have fully concentrated on one program. Like,
when I take a trip with an objective, I load up my van with all
things relevant to that objective, and nothing else. There just is
not room in the van for everything. The test then is how will I
conduct myself each day so as to accomplish this set objective.
During this period you accept that this is enough and you do not
have to do a lot of other things also. They can wait.

Then at another time, there will be a different objective, and for
that period, I will surround myself with the paraphernalia of that
objective. There is time in life to go through undertakings
sequentially that way. The next project won't be in a van, but the
selectively loaded van is for me the symbol of how to focus on one
thing for a while. You are far away from everything else not in the
van and you don't deal with other things.

I have been an executive, and for that job, you must handle several
things at once. For this I suggest you choose about 3 things that
need doing that day and do everything required for each of the
three things and carry through each one to where it is either at a
holding point or completed. Then move on to the next item.

As for choosing what to do when, you can get a feeling for a time
for each thing. If you want to write seriously, that requires a lot
of maturity before you have things to write that amount to
something, and a lot of accumulation of information in the area in
which you want to write. Generally your writing gets better with
time, as you mind processes your material. Therefore I don't see
getting urgent about for instance philosophical writing, because it
improves with time. There will be moments of clarity which happen
at odd times. For me it is often the first hour after I wake up,
but it is at other times also. It is good to sit down and write
when the moment of clarity comes. Writing is not an obligation
unless you have a deadline.

As for social life, you are getting some of that here. Typed
communication is meaningful, you get a wide range of people to talk
to, and a lot of growth takes place in forum discussions. There
will be a time for getting together according to feel. When I was
in college there was sometimes a party every weekend with a similar
group of people until it got a bit boring once in a while. The
desire to meet and talk has a spontaneous quality about it, when
people are full of conversation, but other times they are not.

A certain amount of your time is claimed by necessities, like
earning a living. If activities away from work count a lot, try to
get a job that is not exhausting, and you do not need to take it
home with you. If your job is tiring, when you get home, eat a
quick refresher meal, then lie down horizontally to rest. You can
rest much more effectively in a fully horizontal position. The food
is needed to begin to restore your energy.

As for reading about spiritual matters, that goes on forever, you
don't get answers very often, and it has only a certain amount of
urgency. The books are not textbooks to be memorized. You can take
it at whatever pace you can handle. You can leave it for a while if
you want, in order to do other things. Absorption is gradual and
takes time.

It is necessary to learn to function without answers. At each stage
in life you have a certain amount of knowledge, and that is what
you work with. Later, with more knowledge you work a little
differently. It is acceptable to say, "that is what I worked with
at that time, because that is what I knew at that time".