***Warning: Long post***

Hello,

Some might remember me… I posted on this board around December with a rather suicidal mindset and disappeared soon after.  A lot has happened since then – a lot of darkness that has turned my world completely upside down, yet I remain here on Earth, seemingly kept here by some unseen force.   

Backtracking:  In my December post I spoke of being stricken with a neurological disease and my intentions to end my own life – which were startlingly very real, for the first time.  After a few supportive e-mails I thought it over, and decided not to do anything – but I kept it in my mind. 

At the time when this dark cloud invaded my mind, I was living with four other people in a house I found through a real estate agent.  We moved in during September.  At that point in time I had a habit of smoking pot on a weekly basis.  After the roommates were finalized, one of them (We’ll call her Emily)  announced that no illegal activity should be going on within the house due to her working with the police (while studying forensics).

afterwards, while outside, I mentioned my illegal habit to her.  She simply voiced her opinion that marijuana should be legalized and that if I were to be caught with anything, she would claim not to know anything about it.  I blindly misinterpreted this and swept her previous comment under my own mental rug.  I was smoking pot in the house, soon after I had moved in.  She knew about it while it was going on, and we continued to have our friendly, everyday interactions and chit-chat.  She never confronted me about it.   

A few weeks after everyone was pretty much settled in, I took psilocybin mushrooms with my dinner – note, this is not something I have done on a regular basis.  As my walls appeared to liquify I turned on my streaming internet radio station and lit a joint – a few minutes after the smoke fanned through my bedroom and out of my window,  I heard a voice full of fury downstairs,  outside.  It was Emily, exclaiming that "He’s been smoking in the house!  You don’t SMOKE IN THE HOUSE!"  I couldn’t make out everything that she was saying, but she was indeed angry.  After hearing a lot of her rant, I confronted her about the situation by calling her from my bedroom at the top floor.  She pretended not to know what was going on.  I suddenly got a taste of "two-faced syndrome" and went about my business, confused but basically accepting it .  I heard more hyper-speed ranting while I was in my bedroom.  As I left my bedroom began to walk down the stairs, the ranting came to a complete end – on and off, just like a machine.       

What was different about this evening is that a police friend of hers was coming over.  I still don’t understand why she couldn’t tell me to immediately stop it before this happened.  I would have, but she could never confront me about such things – and I learned this much later on.  When I confronted my roommates about this issue, they pretended not to know what was going on.  Everyone was being odd, and I continued to smoke in the house, just now with my windows down.  When I realized that Emily seemed incapable of ever confronting me about this, I began to do it outside, away from the house.  It was too late at that point – I was in trouble.  I never realized how much trouble I’d be in, though.

Looking back on it, I acknowledge what an idiot I was for my impulsive actions , and how selfish I was. 

As we continued to live together, things started to bug me about Emily.  She seemed ferociously obsessed with law, what is considered "normal" and lying/manipulation and intellectual puppetry.  Megalomaniac behavior.  I felt she was bipolar as well due to some blatant symptoms of the illness.  When she came up to my room to talk, she’d scan it like a robot.  She had the mind of a machine, seemed to hate her emotions, and overall I just felt weird around her after a while.  Despite all of her good efforts, she began to despise me.  The fact that I liked being alone soon and kept to myself became an issue.  I soon felt like I was being watched because eof my actions.  Not because of paranoia – because of picking up on odd things… patterns.  When we had first moved in, she repeated something totally off-the-cuff that I had said ELSEWHERE at an entirely different time, before we even lived together – she repeated this thing nearly verbatim.  I simply brushed it off as a coincidence.  She’d later make comments on things I did in my room – but change them so that she was talking about friends of hers.  When I became suicidal (and did not reveal this to ANY of my roommates), she walked up to me while fussing about something trivial, saying that "I could just KILL myself."  Once, after leaving the house to attend a birthday party, I found myself instantly surrounded by about 8 police cars.  It was synchronized driving, and they soon dispersed after they thought they instilled enough fear in me… who knows. 

When I declared I was moving out in February (I had no lease), she became enraged.  As I told a roommate in the kitchen that I was leaving specifically because of Emily, a door slammed violently downstairs.  How could she have heard me talking upstairs at such a low volume?

After placing an ad online, somebody contacted me at work – I looked at the place and signed a lease.  Moved in, everything seemed okay.  The owner of the house, who didn’t live there, said he didn’t care if I smoke marijuana in his property.  In that house lived four young males – I met them briefly as I came to view the house… one of them, oddly enough, didn’t say hello when I loudly greeted him – he walked past me with a curious, kind of creepy smile frozen his face.  On the first evening of moving in, one of the roommates kept sniffing around me.  It was very odd.  I thought nothing of it and unpacked things/cleaned my new bathroom.

Later that evening, I took psilocybin mushrooms – not because I was addicted to them, but to essentially "make up" for the last time, which was ruined.  When I’d take those, it was a ritualistic sort of event, unlike having a glass of wine or smoking a joint.  Looking back on it, I realize I shouldn’t have been such a submissive to my limbic system, but I tended to not think ahead and failed to see a big issue of doing something like that in the privacy of my own room – even IF I had just moved into the new place.    

What followed is an unraveling of reality.  What is REAL and that so many people do not see. 

A couple of hours after ingesting the psilocybin, I heard chatting from upstairs – my basement room being directly under  a roommate’s bedroom.  It was a conversation between that roommate, and a female – who I figured was a girlfriend.  As my hearing ability increased, the female voice became more recognizable to me.  It was Emily, and she was talking about what I’d do next.  "He’s going to smoke."  I completely froze as my heart nearly exploded.  What was going on?  What followed was an unreal feeling of paranoia – and that I had been trapped.  As I heard the chattering upstairs, I nervously paced, went to my bathroom and decided to lay in bed.  As I laid there, I heard strange sounds projected at me.  I laid frozen in bed, knowing that what was happening was very real, and not a figment of my imagination – which I have and will always be able to judge properly.  I have never been fooled by my imagination.  Later, some obviously fake looking commercial was transferred onto my television set from the room upstairs (That’s where my cables/internet connection all went).  It was a fake commercial for a fake product that had Emily’s name in the bottom left-hand corner – the type was too artificial looking even to be some sort of local commercial.  As the fake "CALL NOW!" screen popped up, I shut my television off and laid in bed, terrified.  The bedroom silence kept being broken by hearing feet skittering upstairs, and voices whisper-talking or laughing.  I eventually fell asleep.

Within the following weeks I searched for similar stories of abuses of power , not really understanding how people could get away with such things.  I slowly adjusted to living with these strange people in what I like to call a spook house.  They fake-coughed around me, sniffed around me, and later imitated things I did like humming to myself while folding clothes, or mumbling to myself. 

Soon it expanded.  The harassment left the house.  Strange people would ask me odd questions in public, or pretend to sniff and cough around me.  I’d see the same odd people in different places.  It built, slowly but surely.  I confided in a few people about the situation and they were questioning my sanity or trying to come up with the best possible answer they could.  I couldn’t really get any direct help on the matter.  Spring semester classes were pretty comforting because I felt so secure in the classrooms, though I couldn’t study in the house.  It was too distracting and weird.  I didn’t think the public snooping was going to get worse, but it did. 

In May, I started to hear weird noises and feel pressures – pressures of sound.  I bet some of you have heard of wackos who claim to be attacked by very real, patented weapons that the military use, right?  Well, in May, I became one of those wackos when I was certain that I was being attacked with such weapons.  They’d wake me up in the middle of the night, dance in one ear or another, run through my head quickly like some sort of wave, or distort my hearing perception briefly (i.e. my left ear suddenly picking up ALL sound around me several levels higher than my right ear, for a second or two).  I found a few conspiracy websites online that wrote about a lot of what I was going through, which was eerie.  The more I found out/told people, the weirder things would get.  I soon realized that these people were everywhere.  I couldn’t enjoy myself out in public anymore.  Strange people would recognize me and imitate me, or things that I have said in the past. 

They soon seemed to infiltrate my workplace.  I was recently laid off from my position at a University due to job restructuring.   In the Summer, a couple of student workers were employed to help with duties in the main office.  They eventually threw me enough weird hints (and smug smirks) to let me know that they were watching me.  I’d also start to be harassed sonically while at work.  The sound buggery died down eventually… the big wake-up call was finding that most if not all of the faculty and graduate students in my department knew what was going on, and that in fact they may have been the reason I was targeted for a background check, or whatever.  After I had told a few graduate students about what was going on, and gave them handouts on a particular conspiracy theory dealing with military weapons, they all suddenly started exhibiting strange behavior – the same strange behavior.  All of a sudden the graduate students, some of the faculty members, and a few of the staff members in my department began sniffing around me, fake-coughing around me, clearing their throats around me and mocking me by repeating things I said on a regular basis and integrating them into conversation. 

My lease from the spook house ended in July and I moved in with my mother out of trust for nobody else.  Now that I am living here, I am fortunately spared a great deal from sonic harrassment – though I get it in sporadic, subtle spurts now and then.  Subtle, thankfully. 

However… moving has reaffirmed that there is a very real system of secrecy going on in this country – and probably the world, who knows – that deals with the harrassment of human beings.  The "community" where I live now is kind of creepy, and even our neighbor  - a friend of my mother’s - makes me suspicious sometimes.  If I eat a bowl of cereal in my bedroom late at night, she talks about eating a bowl of cereal in her bedroom late at night, the next day I see her.  She pretends to be dumber than she really is – which I notice is a pattern amongst these people.  But hey, who knows – maybe it’s all just a coincidence, in her case.  You can call me crazy if you’d like to – but I wish it were only that simple.  I recently found out that the only two friends I still have are not, or were not my friends at all, but just another part of this whole thing.  And I’ve known them for 3 years now.  While attending one of their birthday parties a few weeks ago, they laughed about me, right in front of me, while not directly addressing me.  The usual tactics I’ve been seeing everywhere else – psychological bullying.  But this is when it really hurt me.  They were aware that I had a neurological disease at the time (which renowned neurologist Stephen Reich dismissed as ANXIETY and DEPRESSION for Christ’s sake), yet they dared to joke and laugh about cellular death in my very presence.  As I vomited in their bathroom, they talked ill of me, and laughed.  "You see, NOBODY understands him, because he’s an artist!"  I’m fine now, but am still having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this.  I haven’t even listed half of the things that have happened, but I think this post has gone on long enough.

I’m so used to this new, disturbing world, that it’s totally normal for me to live in now.  Gone are my suicidal thoughts.  For a little while, during this chaos, I was fantasizing about being dead, and free from it all... but I don't want to hurt my mother.  I am still a pretty happy soul (most of all when I am alone), despite all the misfortunes that have come across me.  My spirit is strong, but I feel that I need some guidance as well.  I have an e-book on Zen Buddhism to read, but where are any other good places to start? 

What does this orderly chaos mean for us, spiritually?  What on Earth is going to happen to these people when they die?  I’ve always "felt" like a spiritual person.  I was a Christian for a few years as a teenager, but something felt wrong about it, so I stopped practicing.  I feel that perhaps, since a set of spiritual/religious beliefs was never instilled in me as a youngster, I’m more open to a general spirit-realm/astral world/whatever you want to call it.  Did I choose this for myself?  To test myself?  Is this a personal Hell?  You know, some people's pets now have microchips in their bodies so that they can never be lost again - and even some people have such chips implanted.  I imagine such things will only progress.  Doesn't this make anyone think of the Mark of the Beast?

If you don’t believe me about all my paranoic ramblings, I completely understand.  Hope I haven't wasted your time!

I have to admit that I have no experiences like yours and therefore this all sounds a little strange to me. But then I went to yahoo after reading your post and found an article on UFO's
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051005/sc_nm/peru_ufos_dc
and that is strange to me too. So I just don't know. I guess I have trouble understanding why Emily would want to waste her time harassing you or anyone else? That's a big time committment.

So I guess you came here asking for some guidance? Have you read Bruce's books? He talks about PUL and how he thinks we all come to this earth experience to learn about PUL. Maybe for you the challenge is to be able to project PUL to these folks who you feel stalk you. Some people like to visualize themselves encircled by a ring of protective white light. And remember to love your self. I wish you peace.

Madsketcher,

The description of events you noted, and I did get through the whole thing - it was quite well written, is a classic tale of paranoia developing in a sensitive person.  Psychiatry has labeled this paranoid schizophrenia, when a mind overinterprets reality into a conspiracy.  We can all let ourselves go down this route if we indulge, or use mushrooms.  I am not old at 40, but in my youth, I used the same mushrooms.  They distort your perceptions, and the paranoia that develops is very real.  I can remember some good, but definitely bad experiences.  I also remember the impossible happening after eating mushrooms (which I did maybe five times in my life).  For instance I would look at my watch with a friend and it would say 330 PM.  Then, after long conversation and walking we would look at it again, and darned if it didn't say 330 PM.  Impossible!  While some see drugs

I am not sure how to help you.  There are certain medications that suppress paranoia.  I know that doesn't sound very spiritual, but they work.  Before you go down this path of conspiracies and paranoia.  Take a breath.  Relax, Realize that this may not be real.  And ask for help.

Our spirits are real, but the vast conspiracies you mention are not.  Lay off the pot, lay off the mushrooms, and seek help - with conventional medication initially until you get better.

Matthew

dear madsketcher...look at the name/label you have chosen for your identity and think what you have written here.  many here already gave you their opinion and advice and all looks right on to myself as well. I too wish you well. let me tell u a little about my brother.
he used to be into chemistry and so he became what he thought was a big drug lord. he justified it must be ok, as when he was a sargent in the army, he said drugs were given freely to recruits by the gov. so they could go ahead and act against their nature and do  the "necessary" killing in Viet Nam. whatever. of course he ingested his own chemicals and quickly became paranoid that he was being followed and that there was a conspiracy to get him. he came to my house to try to convince me of this conspiracy one day. i could see by his eyes he was freaked out. he pointed to my neighbors across the street, and said he thought they were staring at him as well, even though this was the first time he had visited me. what a feeling that must have been to feel like you were being followed everywhere you go. drugs seem to make an ego feel as if they are "more important" than they actually are..others are mostly in their own world and my brother thought he was more important than he was; imagine, the whole town want you dead or alive..right. don't make sense. it's the drugs.
also you are a sensitive. you have a natural gift for clairaudience..you can "hear" others thoughts. all the more reason to get your body clean...as you cannot handle all these thoughts...indeed, most of them are blown up entirely out of proportion to the orginal thought of the owner, due to the chemicals. mushroom does what you think it does, it allows hullicination..it blows things up...out of proportion. get some knowledge about your body and your mind and get rid of the paranoia, get some good feelings going for you. I wish you well...but theres a better road. love, alysia

I chose my username because I'm an artist...

I'm not on drugs.  I haven't been on drugs while this has progressed!  I guess I posted here looking for advice that wasn't more of the same, which is "you're absolutely wrong in thinking this is real, no doubt about it."  How do you KNOW that I'm wrong?  The thing is, you don't know if I'm wrong.  So, secret societies can't exist?  They have.... Do you know about Chinese Tongs, and stasi police from World War II, etc?  All I've done is seen a lot of bizarre patterns from a lot of people, and that doesn't include weird sounds. 

I really hate it when people tell me that what I am experiencing is not real - I suppose there is no way to prove that it's really happening.  I can understand WHY you're saying that the best answer is mental illness/medication, but I KNOW it's not!  I can't even tell you how much it hurts to hear that... There's a woman who came into the office where I worked, while these strange things were going on in my life.  She asked for us to make some copies for her teacher.   She was lying - the copies had nothing to do with her class - she was trying to spread the word about people who were using microwaves and mind control on her - we of course, told her that we couldn't copy it and dismissed her as looney-tunes.  She used to be in the military and claimed to know things that she wasn't supposed to know.  Anyway... at the time, we called her fruit loops and went about our business.  Even though I was going through some weird stuff at the time, I wasn't experiencing anything like she was.  I would certainly never call it "mind control" - but I did eventually start to feel strange things at my home - frequencies that would expand, pressures, etc.  I eventually started to wonder if this woman was in fact telling the truth.  So essentially, I really *can* understand your viewpoint on the issue.  I was there... but I digress - this probably isn't going to change your opinion! 

I never cared about conspiracy theories, never thought about them - I'm not that kind of person.  Let's say what i'm talking about is not even a "Conspiracy Theory" - it just IS, and I'm a recluse now because of it.  How can I expect to even go out in public anymore?  How can I reach my goals?  I can't.  And didn't I mention that I'm wasting away?  How could people make fun of that to my face, why would every graduate student and faculty member in my department suddenly start to violently (and exaggeratingly) cough, sniff and clear their throats around me, EVERY time they were around me?  I even recorded it with a digital recorder and let my mother listen to it after telling her about it - it's real, I'm not the only one who's witnessed it/heard it.  When I lived in the spook house, someone in the house hacked my computer (we were connected on a network) - and it took $100 to get it working again.  My mac's cursor  moves itself once in a while (slightly shifting, moving across the screen) - usually when I'm doing something of importance. It has, since I moved into the spook house.  My mother has seen it before.  She has seen/heard some of these things, but she can't understand what I'm going through - she will never understand and therefore just blocks it out and goes on with her life.  After all the stuff I have told her, she just pretends like nothing is wrong.  I can understand that but I can't tell you my frustration.  I am completely alone.  And I'm NOT taking anti-psychotics - at least not long-term.  The psychiatrist I see (for straterra) recommended that I take them for a couple of days - I may humor her and do just that, but there is NO way I'm staying on them.  I'm not going to take something that makes my already weakened cognitive abilities worse - I did mention that I have a neurological disease.  I guess what I hate hearing the most is that drugs = mental illness, and it's simply NOT that easy.  I know enough about myself to know that i'm not hallucinating. 

I came to these conclusions after piecing together bizarre events that grew and grew, without my knowing what they were.  They just are - I shouldn't have even used the term "conspiracy theory" because of it's negative connotation.  It just is, and let's say I did kill myself because people were really torturing me... what does that mean for my spirit?

  Hi madsketcher,

I'm new to this particular thread...  I don't know if what you are experiencing is real or unreal...how could i possibly evaluate that...

  But i agree with some of your last post... there are a lot of things going on (some not so pretty) that we don't know about, and most wouldn't even care to imagine...  There are people in power who LUST after power and wealth so much as to become Lust and Greed incarnate, and little else ever enters their consiousness....

  Yet, this is looking at it from more of a material way, and there's always 2 sides to a coin...

  We are at our essence, Energy Beings, each with Potential for great Power, Light, and Love...

We create our own Realities through either conscious intentions and/or through the general Law of Like attracts Like, which is often, for most people largely remains a Subconscious process...
The more one becomes Love in action in their daily lives, and the more they seek to better themselves and their relations to others--the greater their Conscious abilites to manipulate their own reality, the greater their overall power...

  We as individuals can choose not to experience these darker realities, but we often choose them to learn something about ourselves and sometimes about others....

If I were you I would solve this problem the only way it is possible.

If they’re so powerful like you describe then, so go out and live your life pretending they simple doesn’t exist.

It will make them all crazy they will spend all their time guessing what happened – “that guy seems no longer being under our control”-, -“our devices must be broken- “  

How about?  

Be brave try it I can assure you that it works, just try and see what happens.

Go to parties, have a grill friend, go to the movies, try to show how you feel happy, free and confident.

It will blow then up.

Trust me.

I would communicate with your guide(s) in whatever manner possible. They know you better than you do. And they know EVERYTHING that is going on, real and unreal. If you can't communicate with them, find someone who can. I do both. Also, the idea of "Ask and ye shall receive" is the truth. I asked for help, and I got more guides. I now have three. They even have specific purposes oriented towards the next step in my personal evolution. So, ask your guide, and ask for help. You will get it. But they can't help you until you actually ask for help.