Dear all,

I wish to thank you all again for being there. Thank you Blink, Spooky and all others for your loving words. I think I am a seeker indeed, but I think now I seek to push myself through something.

We never talked about our feelings at home. I spent 2 years, full time, putting a word on every feeling I felt. I did that on my own, so I am happy when you tell me I do it well.

I have come to some conclusions while talking to you. I would like to share this with you, but as an introduction, I would like to tell you my dream. I talked about my dream in part 3. I had another dream tonight.

I had difficulties falling asleep, because I sensed evil, dark presences (I don't know how much, but I sensed 3 or 5, all around my room) around me and that was frightening me. They were blaming me, telling me that in exposing my fears on this message board,  I had shown them how they could destroy me. Like if I had invited good people, but also less good intentions at the same time.

I felt so much fear. I was so tired. I ended up falling asleep anyway, but kind of restless, because this is a lot more than I expected.

I saw myself in a city, not my city, it looked a lot like London. I was carrying a red backpack with everything I needed: maps, tickets, cellphone, food, adresses of the hotel. I think I don't care if the backpack gets stolen. My money was in my pocket : I had 70 pounds.

Then, all of a sudden, I take the backpack off and tell myself. "This is too easy. I do not deserve this." And I realize I do not want to go back to the hotel, like if I am afraid to go back.

I start wandering down the street and I end up in a shop looking at jewels, beauty I am not interested in. I have money, but there is nothing I want to buy. I am afraid and I feel lost.   

Then I end up in some kind of a gym-class. I climb up a rope, to be close to the ceiling, to hide. I hang at the ropes and I start thinking that I am not reasonable, that my feelings have taken all control and that I have become some kind of wild animal, only responding to instincts. I try to scare people. I make faces and stupid gestures. My soul broadcasts : "Look at me. I am not a human being. I am an animal, do not stay with me. I could be dangerous."

Then I calm down, and I continue to wander. The night falls and I am scared. I walk alone and I want to find my backpack and go to the hotel. I see two people and ask them for directions. They start explaining me things, but I tell them I do not understand what they say, because I need to visualize/to see things. I ask them if they can show me on a map. They take a map, but the map contains more names of shops than street-names. It is not clear to me. I do not find the hotel. I start searching for my backpack where I left it. I hope it is still there.

I have been thinking about this dream.

Now, I made some thoughts about that.

1) I always thought I did something wrong in a past life. I think I have been punishing myself for that by throwing away or leaving behind opportunities.

When I was a child, I had the feeling I had not entirely consciously chosen this life. It was like I said to a Helper : I have something to learn, but I do not know what, so chose a life with me. Then he might have showed me my life and I would have told him : "You gotta be kidding. This cannot be the best for me." and he would have said : "DO you want to learn? Do you thrust me?" and I would have said OK, without feeling entirely secure.

I was thinking constantly in this life: I did something wrong in a past life, this means I must be bad. But I am not sure, maybe I was good, but acted bad under bad circumstances. I have been wondering all along if I was on the evil side or on the good side. Finally, I came to this conclusion :
I do not know what I did in the past, but if I am fighting this hard now to do the best for me and others, I cannot be a bad person, which means I am good, which means I am on the good side, which means I can forgive myself and love myself.

2) Second conclusion: Even if I were bad or terrible, how can I ever give unconditional love to somebody else, if I cannot give it to myself. So even if I were bad, if what I want is to change for the best, I should simply be loving and learn to express this love better in physical life.

All this time, I forgave and loved everybody around me, but I never applied this to myself. It is not right.

These are my conclusions for now,

With much love,

Wanderer

PS : Why can't I never seem to find hotels or places to stay in my dreams? Why do I keep wandering?

As I continue to think about this post, I realize I am worried.

I mean, I learn a lot here, but this knowledge is still superficial to me, like if some knowledge you gives me lacks funding inside myself, even though I am sure it is the right way.

I would like to keep all the good knowlegde in the core of my soul to be sure to take it with me in a next life.

I think I am seeking to strenghten my core and elarging whatever consciousness is around it.

Just for you to know,

With love,

Wanderer

Dear all,

I continue to think about this evil/darker spirits being in my room, before I was asleep.

I think I can be more clear. I felt they were looking at me, with some kind of sadistic pleasure. I felt their eyes. I got a view of dark shapeless robes hanging around them.

Then I felt waves coming over me, but it did not feel like love. It felt like an energy-blast made to enhance the fears inside of me.

I think it is important I mention this, because I felt the fears inside of me were stirred, yet I was not doing that. I had decided to leave my fears aside to search for peace and whatever sent me these waves, was awaking deep negative feelings inside of me.

I also I am sensitive to what somebody or something broadcasts, like its most general thought, the top of the iceberg.

I sensed different thoughts.
The one that said, we know your fears because you wrote them on the message board was the strongest.
Another thought I felt said: By exposing your fears and negative traits you showed us that you are one of us and we are here to proove it.
Another one thought: I love seeing this torture.
Another thought : We are so many here, we are going to succeed.
Another one thought: If she looses this battle, she will lose faith in herself. It will weaken her.
Another one thought: While exposing your fears, you stir in the fears of others, therefore you have prooven to be one of us and that is why you attract us.
Another thought : You are alone now.
Others were hiding behind the strong thoughts. I did not see them, but I felt them being smaller.

I cannot shut down my broadcast, because I am open to all energies, the good as well as the bad.
I think they came to torment me and I sense somebody is toying with me. I need to strengthen.
Your input would help me alot.

With love,

Wanderer

Its kind of ironic, I think.  The one thing you seek..is the one thing that will vanquish the evil that you are feeling around you.

This "evil" is a darkness..and the only way to get rid of the darkness is with light.  The light of Pure Unconditional Love.

Accept yourself for who you are.  You don't need "reasons"..in fact, the only "reason" you need is because you are you, unique in your own way.

Rejoice in that!  Celebrate it!

You wander because you are searching for you..you can't find a place to stay, because you already have one, within yourself.  Accept who you are, and you won't have to wander anymore.

But see..let that "thing" go.  Its like those Chinese finger things.  You put your index fingers in each end.  The harder you pull to loose them, the tighter they get.
As soon as you relax and do what seems to be opposite of the logic of it, that is, push instead of pull, give in instead of fight..you are free..

Hugs to you, wanderer..I too am working through similar issues and perhaps..we can both get past them.

Someone once told me that we are a mirror to each other.  We see in others clearly what is within ourselves.  Its hard to look at yourself, even in a mirror because that image is reversed.

It has taken me a long time to "let go" of those things that would hold me in a prison of my own making.

Reminds me of an episode of Battlestar Galactica (the original series, rerun)
Starbuck was in a prison with many others.  It was a very old prison, several generations had been born, raised and died there.

Thing was..it was so old, the locks no longer worked on the cells.  The prisoners accepted the prison..until Starbuck leaned on the door and realized it was unlocked.

Of course, in the episode, he led the people to freedom and was the hero and saved the day.  Not real life..just TV.

But..it got me to thinking.  Are there really locks on the prison doors?  Or, can we walk out any time we choose?

Of course, sometimes we need to remain a little longer..perhaps to learn how to overcome the next prison we find ourselves in.

I look forward to the next topic..I may have to wait to read it this afternoon.  First day back at work after the whole summer off.

Hi Wanderer,
two ideas about your dream (just my thoughts):

Lost backpack: I dreamt this very often. I had found two opposite meanings, first: Lack of concentration etc., second: I leave my luggage, then I tried to find it again, but my fault is not loosing it, my fault is not to be able to let it go.

Feeling like a dangerous animal: Could it be a wish of you to say "No, I actually don't feel like helping you, got my own things to do"? If yes, try it (maybe in a more polite way).

About the bad spirits/bad voices:
My idea is that they are getting active that way because THEY do have fear. The fear of you are going to kick them out! Maybe it were no spirits but parts of your old believe system which is changing. Bruce's method is, in short, say "Thank you. You are no longer needed. Bye."

Nice dreams,
spooky

... there is an old Chinese saying: how ever you explain your dreams, they will come true exactly the way you explained them... so, be carefull how you explain your dreams, 'couse they will come true... (((Q)))