Hello everybody,

I start a new topic kind of fastly, because there is something very important to me that I would like to add. It is a long letter, but it had to be long for me to be complete, so you can learn with it. Be patient to read carefully till the end.

Everyone reading this, and who hasn't read my previous posts, I invite you to read what I wrote previously to have a better understanding of what I am talking about now.

First of all, I talked about my father. I think I am so hard on him, because he did so much his best and his health was not always the best. He never complained. He pushed me to work harder, because he was afraid for me and my future. I think he did not realize the impact of his action. But everybody makes mistakes. We are all human beings.

My father had failed marriages before my mother. His marriages ended horribly, with is wife telling him his children were not his and his other wife leaving him with his best friend. One of them also caused his business to fail, because she was the accountant and cheated to steal money.

My father was so hurt, I would say nearly broken, that he never found a reason to thrust any one again. Even not me, although I had done nothing.

This lead him to love a person ON CONDITION that you would proove you were thrustworthy. My mother was scared as well, because many members of her family would push you down as soon as you were happy. They would be happy when you would suffer. Then these family-members would pretend they were honest, loving and good. They even acted lovingly to make the cover better and if they were ever caught, they would blame circumstances (I will come back on this later). As long as everything LOOKS beautiful, the illusion of happiness is there to make everybody feel comfortable.

This lead my mother to love you ON CONDITION you did not look like pretending and on condition your actions would not ressemble the actions of her family. So if you looked too honest and too loving, she would question your attitude and distrust you.

I spent my life prooving everyone what they needed my to be for them to be reassured. I did that because: a) this was my way of showing them I love them and b)I hoped they would love me completely. With completely, I mean, WITH thrust, the one condition I had to erase to get unconditional love.

But as time passed by, things did not change, it became even worse. Let me explain you: I had always done everything they wanted, so they were so used to get me the way they wanted, that they took me for granted and every effort I did was considered normal.

For you to understand everything, the last thing you should now, is that gestures to show love are so rare. You always have to know in your head somebody loves you, but it will nearly never be shown or said to you.

This leads me towards my CONCLUSIONS and an explanation why I have so many difficulties.

1) Whenever I am told to forgive myself or to be soft on myself, I feel like I am given an excuse to blame circumstances.

Look where the blaming of circumstances brought me. Look at how badly this other people are acting, feeling perfectly justified because of circumstances. I did what they did for years myself. Look at the effect on me. Is this really right? 

I am not saying circumstances are to neglect, just as I do not think that everything is dependent on free will, but I think sometimes there is a mixture of both.

2) Whenever somebody talks to me about love, I have such difficulties feeling it. I am so sorry.

My first thought is awful, because I always wonder if love is a cover for something less beautiful. Secondly, I feel that again, I have to KNOW I am loved and what I would want to see is a real gesture of unconditional love. As much as I am sorry to admit it, LOVE remains too much an ABSTRACT thing for me, just like UNDERSTANDING. And that, I feel, is so dangerous for others and so sad for me.

I probably came here to solve this, but all I see now is a computer and typed letters and I do not know how to change my point of view on this ABSTRACT LOVE and UNDERSTANDING.

3) In daily life, many people left me, probably because I acted alike these wrong people and because when I hope I will find HOPE somewhere, I just stick with a place, a person. They left me, because I was sticky and bothering them and I left people because sometimes if I could, I would leave myself. It is not my style to encourage people to stay with me, because I live in an environment that I find hostile AND because I am scared that, when I disappoint people, they will leave me behind and I will have to see again, that there is always a condition to get love.

I stay on this site, because I read about Bruce's experience with the "light-balls of LOVE" on this site. And for a moment, I hoped that in the afterlife I could find something that I have not found/felt in my physical life, something that would teach me a feeling that I think I ignore. I never did the HEMI-SYNC, I still have to order it but I do not have a credit-card and I do not know much about ways of payment.

I think I still ignore love, because I have to force myself to see people as people. Usually, I see them as a potential enemy or an object that will treaten me one day. I have had nightmares for 20 years, even before I was aware of all this.

I sent a message to BRUCE MOEN, to ask for his understanding and maybe more, but I do not know what. I think he receives many messages, because I have not have an answer yet. But I had a nightmare about it, that he would not answer me and leave me behind. Each time I am honest about my feelings, I think I retrieve somebody's free will. I think I somehow did it to him. I am scared to be put on his "ignore" list.

This is a vicious circle. I get even hurt while I try to break it. I did not tell my mother about this completely. I have again, become a conscious lier, because I know that if I talk about it, she will have a black-and-white reasoning and condemn my actions and judge them black. (Circumstances?)

I refuse to be trapped into this situation. Somebody should break free, completely, to show others. This situation can never be God's will.

With love,

Wanderer

Spooky,

Thank you for your reply. I try to do as you say, but I feel it is hard. I always end up feeling frustrated when I give love, because I have to feeling it is incomplete love, like if there is something broken about it.

I also feel frustrated on this site, because so many people know so much about the soul and everything. I feel I have worked so hard to know what I know, to discover that I know nothing in fact.

Why do I always have the feeling I end up in some kind of competition in which I am asked (or maybe I ask myself) to give/ to look like the most loving, the best or I do not know what? I don't understand myself at this level.

I am sad I do not have more money to go the programs proposed on this site. I think I still miss knowledge to move on to another level.

With all the love I can give,

Wanderer

Dear Kyo,

Thank you for your very useful advice. I think you are very right indeed.

I am not searching for an answer to my soul through other though. I think the understanding of yourself is like mathemathics, you have to understand the concept from your own.

The reasons I came here are:
1) I think I do not understand very well what I am doing and in my misunderstanding I commit errors that have negative consequences on other people's lifes.
2) I was always told that one should achieve everything alone, on my own and that if I asked help I was weak. I have walked all around my issues several times without improving or understanding what the key to it

I think it is a great/ideal strength to solve everything by yourself, but it sometimes is a greater strength to come forward with issues that look less ideal (at least ideal in the society in which I live).

Thank you again.

Wanderer