Hello All.... I am gald I foudn this site... I have been going through alot the past year after loosing my father to cancer 4 years ago.  The idea of deather, to me or any other loves ones, terrifies me to the point of paralization.  I need to find something, learn something, experience some kind of feeling that gives me a sense of the after life. 

Prior to loosing my father I had a strong belief in the afterlife, spirits and something other then this beautiful world.  I believe I even had an outer body experience once at my fathers old home in LI with his second wife.  She is a strong believer and follower of the after life and had told me many stories about her abilities to be in touch with spirits.  This intirguied me, although my father was against it being more of the "scientist" type.  I had never experienced loosing a lover one before, other then a friend of the family, so I never really understood the pain of loose. 

Regardless, I took it into myself to try to experience a type of mediatation a book of Laura's, my stepmother, had instructed me to.  It was a nice feeling, however, I was frieghtened due to feeling like my body was not connected with my soul.  The experience itself was beautiful, I felt light, almost as if I was flying, and vissions of of lighted object were constantly flying through my head of birds and other peaceful things.  i even saw myself walk down the stairs and talking to Laura, who was sitting on a bright white couch with rose moving on it.  After finally pulling myself back to my body, Laura stated she knew what I had done, but the fear of not being connect to reality stopped me from pursuing it again.

A few years later, and after my father's devorce from laura, I lost my grandfather, in July 2000, my father's father. It was my first close lose and one that was emotional.  I did not have any "visits" from my grandfather, nor did I seek any.

Unknowingly, at this time, my father was sick.  He was loosing his voice and was told that he had larengitis (sp?).  In September, a week before his 50th birthday, my father finally went to a specialist who told him he had lung cancer.  This was devistating news, and it was one that hit me hard.  The night I found out, I dreamt my grandfather in a hospital bed.  He was telling me to go visit my father in the hospital, that I did not have a lot of time and that I should go and be with him.  This upset me tremedously, especially after my father ensured me he would be alright.  So, I did so, and many nights after that.  I would spend more weekends with him and took the drive after classes from NJ to LI just to sit with him. 

I witnessed my father rapidly go from the invincable man that I had known my entire life to a helpless child.  He quicly lost use of his hands, arms, legs, and lung compacity...and on Thanksgiving morning, November 23rd 2000, my father passed away at 8:00am.  The funny thing about it was that I prayed the night before, after returning home from visitng him, that God took him and that he suffered no longer.  I guess my prayer was answered.

Thanksgiving morning I slept until 10am and my mother, who no longer lived with my step-father, came in to wake me.  Instantly I felt the sharp knife of pain in my heart and new he was gone.  I had nothing to say, nothing to be thankful for, and no one to understand my pain. 

I had asked my father, on his death bed, to please come and tell me hw was alright.  To show me that he will be with us forever... and all he could say was that I knew he did not believe in that and he cannot promise me anything.  Well, needless to say, I have not seen my father since his passing, and I fear that all my hope and belief in the afterlife is gone.  I have feared death tremedously since then and need something to believe in again. 

I am now a mother to a two year old beautiful little boy, and have been married for about 3 years.  Neither my husband or son have ever met my father and I fear that if I am gone tomorrow, my son will never really know me.

I am not sure where I am going with this.  Maybe I need to find myself again, maybe I need to find my father... but I know I need to stop fearing death and hope that being a part of this site will lead me along the way.

I want nothing but to hug my father one last time.  To hear his laugh and see his smile, but those things I knoe I could never have again.  I had asked him, many nights, to come to me, if not physically, then in my dreams... and I have not seen him.  The only thing that I can say is that my husband claims he had a dream of my fathe rone night a few years ago.  My husband, in his dream, saw my father sitting in a chair, sitting in his typical position, with his favorite slippers one.  My husband walked up to him and all my father did was stand up, shake my husband's hand, and sit back down.  This made me cry, but it also gave me some kind of comfort considering my husband only saw my father once, and that was when we were dating, and it was at my father's wake. 

Anyway, I apologize for the length of this post.  I hope to get to know you all better and read of your stories.  If any of you see a Tom Langan, please tell him his daughter loves him and misses him dearly. 

Oh, but I do have question... my father dies in his own home.  Could he have not come to me because he is still there? 

Thank you all for reading this and allowing me to get to know you.

Best - Heather Jensen (Langan)

Thank you for your message, it was very nice.  I want to get intouch, but I am afraid as well... you know, when you are thinking of someone and/or talking of that person and you get a chill and the hair on your arms stand up... then I get scared. 

I will refer to Bruce's article.  I also just went out and bought a book on channeling.  I feel like there is something more for me to do or know and I hope I can get there.

Again, thank you.... Best - Heather