Good Morning, Alysia!! I like to read your replies...you have good words of 'motherly' wisdom!
That year, 1998, was really traumatic for myself and my girls...and, there were alot of changes happening, most of which were right out of my control....I always felt like I was being led by something or someone that I couldn't explain. It was the strangest thing....to go thru every day doing things and making arrangements and plans without having a clue as to 'why' you were doing it. I remember one day, early on in my college program, an instructor in one course, asked us individually to explain to the class, why we were taking this specific program.....all I could say was: I really don't know why I am here!!! And I didn't!! Because it wasn't like I was following some long lost dream or anything. In fact, I couldn't even explain where I had gotten the courage to get into the program......I had just been hiding behind walls and doors for years because of what I had become...too afraid, ashamed and scared to go out. Even tho I didn't know why I was making the changes that I was....I still didn't question things. I just knew that I was being led along....and that one day I would see the answers. And sure enough....that is exactly what happened. If I hadn't followed that lead...I would most likely still be in that situation...and who even knows if I would be alive to talk about it today. I do refer to him as evil....I always will.....he was not normal Alysia. He did horrible things to all people, not just to myself or my daughters....to animals as well. He did these things with no conscious....and no remorse afterwards......I wrote a poem at one point in that marriage...I portrayed life with him just as it was: our home was 'hell' and he was the gatekeeper(the devil), standing watch, not letting anyone in or out.....and on the streets below, people could hear the walls from the home, screaming in pain and anguish. I will never forget what it looked like to see him being held at bay while I took my girls and left. Think of a large, rabid dog...frothing at the mouth, crazed in the brain and lunging against his chains to get loose at you.....and that it just how he was. He was literally held to the counter....and he was held there until we got safely in the car and drove off.....I know that, because if he had been able to break free, he would have been at the car dragging us out. You know, just 2 weeks before this happened, one of my classes had gotten out 15 minutes late. That was an art class.....we had done an art project for kids....using a folded peice of construction paper and putting a blob of 3 different colors onto one page of the fold....then folding the paper in half....the result was to see a mirrored image of color on the opposite page. Everyone taking part in that project were busy showing each other their own little blob of color creation when they opened the folded papers up. When I first opened mine, all there was, was a mess of color....then suddenly, and with no word of exaggeration, the colors on my page started to take on the face of the devil....it was a perfect image of a devils face....every detail was perfect as if an artist had painted it.....red oval eyes....horns.....pointed jaw......it was unbelieveable. I immediately felt fear....my friend stood there with me and we watched this image literally form before our eyes. We both started to cry, out of absolute fear.....she was seeing the same thing that I was. Others looked at it....they saw the same thing....and they looked at me like I was some kind of evil magnet or something...actually backing away from me. Suddenly I felt fear for my girls at home.....I knew deep inside, that this image was significant of something very bad that was about to happen....I was afraid to go home, even tho I knew I had to since my girls were there. I knew that I had to be there to protect them....but still, way too afraid of what was about to happen. I hurried home.....as I said, the class was let out late.....I knew that he would be getting home soon and I wanted to get there before he did...I didn't want him alone with the girls. As I pulled up my street, I saw his car already there....the huge fear just consumed me....I was so afraid to go into the house...just because of what I had just experienced in that image...I knew that this wasn't going to be good. I walked in the door...the house was quiet inside...no noise other than the tv......he was stretched out on the couch, normal, as if nothing was wrong....I asked him if everything was ok with the kids....he said yes, they were up in their rooms....everything was fine he said. My younger daughter came down the stairs at that point, she was so visibly shaken, upset....I knew things weren't ok....she told me that I better go up and see her sister.....he started yelling......I ran upstairs....and I will leave it at that. It was awful what I saw......I tried to get out with my kids right then.....but...I couldn't get passed him...he barracaded the door....and again, I won't go further. My point here with this...is the image that formed on the paper, more than accurately depicted what was to come...and it did come, in all the evilness it had. 2 weeks later, he was held against his will so that we could get out.....and then we never, ever went back.
I am a stronger person inside now....way, way stronger.....the light inside me grew stronger every day....one of my instructors had even commented on my light....and encouraged me to let it grow brighter....she told me that I was given special gifts from Above and that I had a specific job to do here on this planet....and she told me that my guides would be right beside me, helping me to get that job done......
I don't believe anymore....that things in life just happen randomly....they all happen for a reason....there is nothing random about life at all. I think that I was supposed to endure that marriage....for there were learning lessons in that for me to use later in my life as I got closer to getting my job here done.....whether we call them lessons, tools....or whatever.....my time with that person has given me the foundation to work with something later in my life....and honestly, that is pretty much how I go thru life now.....look at each day as it has something in it 'for one day down the road'......you might not have a clue today....but tomorrow will bring you the knowledge..........and just because something isn't working out right for you today.....doesn't mean that something far better isn't just around the corner.....do I make any sense?? lol.....I think I am babbling again!!!!!
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