i am dealing with the suicide of my ex boyfried. we buried him on feburary 5th of 2005. he was 28yrs old. i never stopped loving him i just couldnt allow my self to be lost in his problems. when he was drunk he not himself and it got to where he was drunk all the time. i ended it with him but i always loved him. he was my bestfriend. he mde me laugh. he just couldnt let go of his demons and i wasnt enough to change him. he felt that not having me in his life was unbearable. vodka had more of a power than i did. he broke my heart once by choosing it over me and a second time by ending his life. i wouldve married him if he couldve just let go. i want to know why? i want to know where he went? he didnt belive in heaven or hell, where did he go? he wanted every second of my time he wanted to be with me every day. he wouldnt leave me alone in life, is he going to leave me alone in death? i havent felt alone since the funeral. i feel watched. i am afraid to be by myself could he be with me? my rational mind says its in my head or its in my guilt. he would watch me when we were at the same bar or function. that is the way i feel now. i want to be able to move on but i dont think he will let me. am i crazy or is this some form of coping with his death?

  Dearest Luna,

  There aren't any simple or easy answers to your question, but i do know that nothing we ever do to another warrents them killing themselves.  You are not to blame no matter what, i'm sure you tried your best in your relationship and even if you didn't, it seems like you care very much about him.  No one can heal another, if that person doesn't want to be healed.  Growing up in with two alcoholic father figures, i learned that lesson very well. 

    I'm about your age (just turned 25), and when i was 21 i went through some rough times and i was in alot of pain spiritually, psychologically, and my physical body was very over-toxic.   Mostly i felt very, very unloved by those i thought should love me most.  So, i tried killing myself, thought it would take the pain away even though a part of me said, "you know that isn't any escape, and will just make things worse."  but being in the state i was in, i didn't listen to simple logic.  i resigned myself to die, and set it up so i thought i wouldn't be able to be saved since i was past the part of "acting out" for help, care and attention-- mock suidcide etc...   
   i layed dying in the woods but somehow my younger brother found me, and carried me home and took me to a hospital.  I ended up spending 5 days in a Psych. ward for suidcide observation. 

Anyways, i shortly realized after having one of those defining moments in the Psych. ward (a spiritual experience of sorts) that i was being very self-centered, and realized that there were people who truly did care about me.   I deeply desired to get well, and became less self-involved and more loving to others.  It was nothing anybody else did, but a deep desire within to change which helped me, i came up with some ideals to live my life by.   All selfish and self-centered people are unhappy people, only by giving out the things that we want, love, joy, time, care etc., do we become open to and recieve those very things. 

What i would suggest is to sit down and visualize your love, imagine seeing his face and talking to him.  Tell him how much you love him, and that he can move on to the Light.  Visualize, imagine, or feel a bright, warm, and loving Light enveloping him and helping him.

Hope this helps,

P.S. if you are feeling his presence that probably either means he is "stuck" or that he is visiting you to try an comfort you about his dying....

I regret your loss. However, it's better now than after 20 years of unsuccessful mariage etc. There is a reason that will doubtless one day become clear. Meanwhile, it isn't your fault.

Where he went has several answers. First, people are assemblies. The fact that the body falls off doesn't mean that ithe inner person has vanished. It just stopped being what it was when it was all together. In that sense, you could take you car apart, so you'd have a pile of parts, and no car. But nothing was lost.

Second, alcoholic suicides often cling to the world from which they retreated, hanging out in bars etc.

Third, in the interlife, suicides often describe walking along long paths in a cold grey fog. I'm not aware of any that described being punished by a vengeful Deity.

Fourth, past life regressions (PLR) indicate that suicides go through a self-evaluation that can be pretty severe, and then then set off to repeat the lesson that they interrupted by checking out. I had a woman patient who was overworked by her family. A PLR found her in  a setting in which she was being overworked by her family to the point that she wrapped a sash cord around her neck and hopped out a window.

If you really and truly want to find your guy, use a regression technique (or hypnotist experienced in PLR) to get into the "spirit world", go to "the place that knowledge is kept" (Cayce called it the Akashic Records) and ask about him. Then, if you want, call for him to come talk to you. This is about 70-80% successful in contacting disembodied people.

Meanwhile, remember that your ultimate nature is love, joy and wisdom, and that it's OK to go on being you.

dave