My mom passed away a few days ago, January 10, 2018, and I want to share a couple experiences since she died.  I have been living with her for the past 3 years, having moved in with her for financial reasons when I was diagnosed with my cancer.  But then she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last March so I’ve been taking care of her as she declined from that.  For her sake it was good I was there to take care of her. 

The first experience I want to share was a real visit from her the morning after she died.  It wasn’t a regular dream but happened in that light stage of sleep you fall back into after waking up.  I had woke up but stayed lying in bed longer and then I shifted back into a light stage of sleep.  This experience had all the earmarks of a spiritual visit.  In my dream journals I call this a “spiritual dream”, the elements of which, for me, are it’s a visit from someone’s spirit and not merely me dreaming about them, the communication is through thought and energy, you feel an overwhelming feeling of pure unconditional love coming from them, you feel their energy presence, and there’s a bright golden aura around them. 

The second experience was a lucid dream. 

I want to preface both of these by saying that I was never close to my mom.  I had always believed she had some kind of mental or emotional issues.  Although she was never professionally diagnosed, I recently finally pinpointed what was wrong with her.  One of her hospice nurses told me she thought mom had Borderline Personality Disorder, so I researched that and what I found was that my mom fits what they call “Cluster B Personality Disorders” which is Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic. 

It’s been a tremendous relief to have someone validate what I’ve always believed, and since then I’ve been doing research and reading and watching videos about it which has greatly helped me begin to do some healing from the lifetime of abuse I’ve endured because of my mom.  Just understanding what was wrong with her and having it explain why she treated me the way she did, and seeing that it wasn’t my fault and understanding that other people have had a parent like my mom, well it has really helped me begin to let go of the past and the emotional pain. 

Growing up, I never felt a bond with her; it never developed.  She loved only conditionally.  If you did what she wanted, then you were “loved” but it was not true love, it was control.  As adults the only way we got along or tolerated each other was to have a very superficial relationship.  In one of the last conversations I had with her before she died, she asked me what she did to me that was the cause of us not being close, and I told her it was things like her always telling me I'm stupid and that she didn’t love me or even like me, and that she wished she had a different daughter than me.  She said, “Well if you weren’t so sensitive then those things wouldn’t have bothered you.  How was I supposed to know those things would hurt your feelings?” 

I told her, “Well gee mom, I guess I was a sensitive 5-year-old, what can I say?”  Her reasoning was that as a child I should have just done what she wanted and then she wouldn’t have had to tell me such horrible things, and that as an adult I should have been smart enough to just get over it, but that either way it’s all my fault.  Yeah, it’s never been easy having her for a mom, but I always treated her good and with respect because that’s who I am.  Ok, so now that you understand the relationship we had, these experiences should make sense in their contexts.


FOR THE FIRST ONE, THE REAL VISIT FROM HER:

The night of mom’s death as I lie down to bed before going to sleep, I decided to make my peace inside myself about her in order to let go of any bad feelings I was holding onto so I myself could have peace and stop thinking about her.  I literally wanted and needed to just get distance from her and feel at peace once and for all now that she was gone and out of my life.  I needed to now focus on my own healing and growth being free of her energy and not hold onto bad feelings.

So I closed my eyes and set my intention for Mom to receive my message, that I hope she's at peace, with my dad and her parents and her pets and any other loved ones and guides and helpers, and that I hope she's of clear mind now and in a higher awareness so that she can truly understand and know what's real, not holding onto or being stuck in her mental illness and limitations that she had in her physical life. I sent this message from a pure unconditional love state of being, with the intention of sending it to her and then letting it go, with no expectation or agenda in mind.  I just needed to say it and literally let her go. 

I eventually fell asleep.  When I woke the next morning I stayed in bed a little while longer, not wanting to get up yet.  I soon started to drift off to sleep and I suddenly found myself going down the stairs into the kitchen.  I looked up from where I was standing and I looked down into the family room where my mom had spent her last few weeks sleeping in a hospital bed in the middle of the room.  Mom was lying in it.  I was consciously aware that this wasn't possible.  I knew this wasn't physical reality because I knew she was dead.  I knew she had died the night before in the hospice center.  But there she was lying in that bed.  I was stunned.  I didn't say a word, just looked at her in a bit of shock.  She was awake and had clear, full awareness.  She was looking right at me and beaming a loving smile at me.  She had a bright golden glow all around her.  She looked happy, healthy, and so much younger.  Her hair was the style she used to wear at a much younger age.  She had her glasses on.  She looked like how I remember her from times when she was happy and in a good mood.

I still didn’t say a word.  It was so surreal.  I was just so surprised at seeing her there.  Then, without moving her lips she spoke to me in thought-energy.  She said, "I don't know if they'll have me” (nodding upward) “with the way I've acted in this life."  The way she said it, I could tell she was being humorous.  It was her way of acknowledging her awareness of the way she treated me in life.  My mom was never one to say sorry for anything so I'm not surprised she didn't say it now.  It was just like her to make a joke instead of actually apologizing.  But I could feel her energy and I knew she was speaking from a higher awareness than that which had been her physical self's awareness on this plane.  I don't know "where" she was but this was definitely from a higher awareness than here.  At least I knew she wasn't stuck.

I said to her, "Oh they’ll have you.  You have lots of guides and helpers and loved ones there for you."  And I truly meant it.  I was speaking from my heart.  It wasn’t something I had to think about, it just flowed from me naturally.   

And that was it.  I awoke instantly. 

I knew right away that it was a real visit from her spirit, her way of acknowledging getting my message.  And because of the bright golden aura all around her and the fact she was communicating from that higher level of awareness characterized by talking through telepathy, I knew she was on the other side.  She may still be working through some things, but I knew she was not stuck somewhere or afraid to cross over.  And I’m glad for that.  Wherever she is, I’m sure it’s where she needs to be.  She may be in her own believe system territory, I don’t know, but I'm satisfied with how I handled myself with her despite her treatment towards me throughout my life. 

Despite the bad relationship between me and my mom, I’m glad I got to see her after her death and have at least this little bit of acknowledgement that she’s doing just fine, and at least a little acknowledgement that she is aware of her behavior in life.  Personally I don’t need nor want anything else from her but I think this will help me heal.  I think my biggest "fear" was that she would die and stay stuck in her mental illness and perhaps even stay attached to me!  Now that I know she's crossed over, I'm just so grateful and relieved. 

I can move on from her and do my own healing.  Despite our problems, I truly did care that she was now at peace, no longer afflicted with mental illness which is the only reason why I sent her spirit that message.  I wasn’t expecting nor wanting any kind of contact experience out of it. 


THE SECOND EXPERIENCE, A LUCID DREAM

This one happened five days after mom’s death.  Before sleep as I went to bed last night I had only briefly repeated to myself, “Tonight I will dream with conscious awareness.”  I didn’t get the chance to focus on it too intently before falling asleep.

In the dream, I found myself standing in the kitchen and putting away the dishes.  My mom was standing by the kitchen sink and had her back to me.  My son David was sitting at the kitchen table in the spot where my mom always sits.  We seemed to be going through the motions that we've done for many years.  My mom would always make me unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher with her rather than just doing it herself or just having me do it myself.  She was a controlling person in life with everything, and one thing she always did was stand there picking up a couple dishes and handing them to me and having me put them in the cupboard.  I always hated it because I knew it was one of her ways of making me do things her way.  So, in the dream this is what we were doing.  And she was also talking on and on, complaining and nagging about some thing or another.  I felt so dreadful.  I hated this feeling because it was a conglomerate of hundreds of memories of this kind of thing, where she was making me do things her way and nagging me at the same time.  I've endured this from her so many times that it was just a dreadful feeling as if I were being buried alive. 

I turned and looked at my mom, and I thought it was strange that she was wearing her old dark blue robe instead of the new white one she had recently bought.  I turned back to what I was doing.  Then I turned back to look at mom again.  She still had her back to me.  I started getting a feeling something was not normal and then I thought, "Wait a minute.  She can't be standing there like that.  Her health wouldn't allow it.  She can't walk anymore.  She shouldn’t even be able to stand there.  She died.  She's dead!  This isn't real!"  It was instantly a relief to suddenly know that this wasn't physically real.  I realized I was dreaming. 

The lighting changed and the look and feel of the dream changed and became more vivid, the way that it does once I become lucid in a dream.  And just to make sure it wasn't more than just a dream, such as my mom or my son really being present in this experience, I decided to do a little test.  I said to my son, "David, where's grandma?"  I figured if David's spirit was really there this could arouse him, wake him up, and raise his awareness.  Or if not, then I knew he was just a dream character. 

David looked at her then looked back at me like he was confused as to why I would ask him such a thing.  I realized he was just a dream character.  My mom didn't say anything but she just slightly turned her head to the side to look at me out of the corner of her eye.  I had my answer, it was just a dream.  But I was lucid and consciously aware that I didn't have to be stuck in this scene and this feeling.  I was free to just leave!  I began to walk out of the kitchen, and as I walked away I began feeling a lightness of being.  I felt so much heaviness being released.  I felt a sense of freedom come over me, releasing me from those old thought patterns of my past fears, thoughts, and pain.  I realized I don’t have to hold onto that anymore, I don’t have to be in that role, stuck in that state of mind and being.  I can just let it all go.   

This dream made me realize that I'm probably doing a lot of healing on many levels, even when I'm not consciously aware of it.  I was so happy to have an experience, though, where I was able to consciously just "walk away" from this repressed and dreadful area of consciousness that I had tolerated many times in my life.

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing your experiences here, Vicky. I am always impressed with the details and understanding that you have of what happens. It is very encouraging to know that your mom appears to have moved on to a level which brings you both some peace of mind. Please be kind to yourself, and best wishes.

Hello Vicky, thank you for sharing. Awesome experiences!

My Dad passed away a few years ago, I hope you don't mind me sharing a couple of experiences. To begin, a number of years ago while meditating one night I made contact with a guy I knew who had died. He showed me a pencil, a portion was shaved, and his name could be seen on this portion. He showed me where he was hanging out in the spirit world and provided me with information I could verify later.

My Dad was a good Dad. We didn't have a lot in common. He wasn't into spirituality and I couldn't speak to him about it. Baseball was a common interest and sometimes we would watch games together. Shortly after he died, I was meditating one night and I was shown a baseball bat. I could see the words "I love you." I figure they came from my Dad. So here are two cases where a slender piece of wood was used as a way of communication from someone I knew while they were in this world.

A couple of years later I had a lucid dream where I was in the garage of the house I lived in during my childhood and my Dad was there. He used to spend a lot of time in that garage because he was a sign painter and this is where he made signs. During this dream he told me that he is very excited and having a lot of fun (in the spirit world).

Regarding the second dream you described, I've found that my higher self/guidance will sometimes create similar dreams (with differing content) in order to make the point that things are okay.

Vicky, I've found that sometimes dreams are a way to work out different aspects of our mind, they aren't always messages.

Vicky:

Such dreams might serve the purpose of stating that since you are no longer involved with such situations, you have something to be happy about, how your life actually is.

Also, the more you release the hurt from such situations, the more they become non-existent. The energy from such past moments gets transformed to positive energy. When considering this, consider that time isn't actually linear, and we can transform the past.


Vicky wrote on Jan 30^th, 2018 at 9:10pm: