If this is true, Vagabond, and these things did happen, then perhaps there is a reason you and your family 'chose' each other for this lifetime. It also sounds like you do have a peaceful life, in some respect, that you want to preserve. I notice your language to yourself: I'd rather have a peaceful life. You say this as if you are reprimanding yourself for interfering somehow. So, one thing to do, as I can see it, is for you to 'see' it: that you can and do have a peaceful life.

Perhaps, repeat those words to yourself, in plural, often, morning, noon and night, if need be: "We have a peaceful life. I have a peaceful life. We are safe and secure. Peace is with us." Something like that. See it as 'done'.

I guess, 'peace' and 'war' mean different things to people at different times. Of course, you can only offer to your children what you have, and I don't know if any parent ever feels that their wisdom is sufficient for this world. And, no, you can't hold 'life' or 'love' out on a 'silver platter' for your loved ones. They must go and live their lives, and find out about the strengths and weaknesses of others on their own. But, you can always be that place to come home to, where there is peace and love and as much trust as you can build between you.

Peace is not really something you find 'out there' in the world. It is something that you find in your own heart, when you know you have love there. At least, that's what I have learned, and it wasn't easy.

Hey Bets,

Thank you for your reply!

Quote:

I only remember bits and pieces. We were just returning from an empty battle field that we had been called to. We weren't sure what had happened and had a bad feeling about it. Then in front of the town gate we saw the heads hung up on ropes. I remember looking at each one, seeing wives and kids of my friends, til I finally found my family. The last moment I remember from that life is the feeling that this sight caused. It felt like a thousand feelings mingled together and on top of it all guilt.
Starting around 7 y.o. in this life, whenever I thought of someone I deeply loved, I saw their head chopped off.

Quote:

Funny you bring up self-loathing. You seem to always be spot on with your assumptions.
Lately I've been cleaning up our basement and found my old diaries. At first it hurt, but I read them, allowed the images to come back. Finally, today, the last one made it into the garbage. I feel much better now. I'm okay now with the person I used to be.
So I guess what's left is proving to myself that I am able to take care of my family. Until just a couple of days ago it felt like an unbearable burden, because of my protective instinct going berserk. But now after the feedback I got from both of you, which really made me think, I'm okay with that. I guess I needed to overdo it a bit. And I probably always will, at least in this life. I'm trying to make sure though that I don't harm my kids with that.

Hello B2;

Quote:

I'm glad to hear you've made it; I know it takes a lot of hard work to get there. I'm still struggling. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what it feels like, though. It feels good! 


take care,
Vagabound