Pat E, you said: "Hi, Ralph, I admire your courage in posting so honestly and fearlessly here.  And my heart goes out to you for the pain you have experienced and are experiencing in this lifetime."

I agree.

Ralph, that is one pretty dress. I couldn't wear it any better. And you know what else, that's a great smile on You in that dress.

You have my vote. I see nothing wrong with it.

I will say openly that life is seldom as people think it is, or think that it 'should' be. Here's a little tidbit about me. When I was in high school I had a tremendous long term crush on a fellow. We were friends, and he dated girls. We never got on the same wavelength, that way, but I adored him. Well, we had a mutual friend. She thought I was cute. She let me know that. She liked boys and girls. We were friends, with a little extra spark.

Well, off we all went to college. They went to the same college together, and I went off somewhere else.

Later, I find that he and she hooked up there. Briefly. In that very special way. (I got a detailed letter, wouldn't you know?)

Well, even later, I find that he is actually gay. He has adopted a gay lifestyle, and has had the same male partner for many years now. And she?

Well, she is now a 'he' in more than one sense of the word. She made the change.

Wow, isn't life strange?

Oh, I would never suggest that you do that, not unless you sincerely wanted to do that and found the kind of support that is necessary. What I am saying is, there's nothing wrong with you expressing yourself, who you really are.

Because you sound so depressed, I would suggest doing anything you need to do to raise yourself out of that. My own personal suggestion is guided meditation which focuses on bringing you up to a more positive emotional state. There are so many which can be so helpful.

That, for immediate help, and counseling for whatever family conflicts are surfacing at this time. I would get individual counseling, so that you can find a place to talk about your frustrations.

Maybe you've already done this. If so, I am not being helpful.

Otherwise, it really sounds like you are just in the thick of things. Under the circumstances, I can see no 'right' or 'wrong' way to feel. It's just the way it is right now.

Ralph, if you find a straight and narrow path to enlightenment, would you tell me where to find it?  From my experience and what I've learned from others, that path is anything but straight and narrow.  Rather, like most everything else in life, we keep trying, failing, learning, falling, wandering, then trying again.

My advice is don't try too hard to stay on any straight and narrow path.  It's likely to just lead right over a cliff.   

Stay well and let us all know how you are doing.

Pat

What dirty laundry??? Vee

Just a note about the dream, Ralph. Sounds like a Shamanic traveling experience, maybe you would benefit by taking a weekend shamanic workshop...or even reading about such travel. If I had that dream, I would recall it, bring up the imagery and go right down that rabbit hole to see what it has to show me. These places can be very refreshing to the spirit. Just a thought. Vee