Conversation Board - Feeling Helpless

Ralph Buskey

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Feeling Helpless
Sep 6^th, 2009 at 7:44pm

I had a dream last night that is bothering me. I don't remember much of it because I didn't write it down. I was at this place where possibly 20 or 30 men were. They were planning on taking some person and dissolving him in a pit of some kind of chemical.

I wanted to help that person, as I thought that was very cruel no matter what he may have done. I didn't go over to help him as they would have done the same to me. I felt ashamed for not being brave enough to help, instead reasoning that 2 dead people is worse than one.

Was this some sort of test? I am perplexed about this dream as normally I would sacrifice my life to save anyone who needed my help.

Sincerely,

Ralph

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betson

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #1 - Sep 7^th, 2009 at 3:33pm

Hi Ralph,

You've recently inferred on other threads that life is going well. At least I assume so since you're making alot of progress with new ideas, new looks, etc. So I suspect that this was a test of your new strengths regarding an old fear. You didn't 'fail the test' because you are less fearful to allow this situation to surface in your mind.

You don't have to remember getting a chemical burn yourself -- your fear could go back a lifetime or so. Your braver new you might not be brave enough to allow yourself to get burnt again, so it shows the threat to another person.

So you were brave enough to face the situation! That's more brave than hiding it. An affirmation that has helped me in similiar situations is to repeat "I have less fear than I used to regarding ------." It will take you a few steps in the right direction.

You are anything but helpless now; you are moving forward a few steps at a time!

Bets

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There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Shakespeare

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Ralph Buskey

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #2 - Sep 8^th, 2009 at 12:37am

Hello Bets.

It's not that I was afraid of confronting them that bothered me as much as the fact that normally in my dreams I'm totally fearless and do whatever I need to in a situation. I think it's because I'm not exercising my own freewill lately and giving in to what others think is right.

The short haircut was not my idea. I was very happy with long hair, but my mother and brother insisted I go for a short haircut because it would make me look better. I don't care personally if it makes me look better. I'm transgendered and prefer my female side more. I let them have there way and they had a friend who is a hairstylist do it. Everyone loves it but me. I'm more depressed now and can't wait for it to grow back.

I think this has the strongest influence on the dream.

Ralph

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b2

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #3 - Sep 8^th, 2009 at 8:22am

Ah, haircuts. A person wouldn't think such a small thing holds so much power.

Someone's always trying to get me to cut my hair, and I was given pixie cuts by my mom when I was young,. Ever since then it's been an 'issue' -- my hair, that is. And it doesn't only involve me, but my sister too. The hair is just so important to them! It's actually funny, how important it is to them.

And, the work world....all through the 'career' eighties and nineties, throgh a marriage and a divorce, the hair continued to be a subject of discussion. Rebelliously long, very short, medium length for years, always back and forth back and forth back and forth to some person wielding scizzors. I've finally stopped doing that! All one length, chop off the ends once in a while. LONG, LONG, LONG.

Well, maybe it is a little bit of an ego issue for me....

But I love long hair. I LOVE long hair. LONG hair. On men, on women, on whoever. Grow it! Be it! Long, beautiful HAIR!

just so you know I'm on your side...

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Ralph Buskey

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #4 - Sep 8^th, 2009 at 12:58pm

Thanks a lot for the encouragement b2.

I've already made the decision to myself to let it grow long this time. I will never let someone else dictate to me again about a haircut. Also too, after the dream mentioned above, I haven't had anymore distressing dreams.

Actually, they are getting interesting again. I remember from last night that I was building something at this place I was working at and noticed that I needed a C clip and a valve shaft. I went to the area that normally had them but everything there was paperwork. Someone working there told me that I should have known that parts department was relocated.

It was either later in the same dream or another one that I remember being able to move things with my gold ring. I was curious as to whether or not the ring was responsible, so I sat the ring down and tried it with my bare hand. Lo and behold, I could still move things. I was happy to know that I didn't need the ring to do it.

Ralph

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PhantasyMan Senior Member Offline Posts: 266 Québec Gender:	Re: Feeling Helpless Reply #5 - Sep 9^th, 2009 at 1:32pm Hi Ralsh, I think you are right about the test. Those test happen more and more when we grow spiritually. Failing a test is often necessary to see hidden fears within us.
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Ralph Buskey

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #6 - Sep 9^th, 2009 at 9:13pm

It wasn't hidden fear. All I did was logically deduce that both of us dying wouldn't be the right thing to do. After it was too late to change my mind did I feel shame and remorse.

I do agree that it was some sort of test. If I felt in the dream like I have been lately though, I would have jumped at the chance to die. I don't like this world and look forward to the happy day when something happens to get me free of it.

Ralph

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Ally

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #7 - Sep 10^th, 2009 at 6:22pm

I'm sorry that you feel like dying sometimes, Ralph. Sad

Some of the experiences we choose to come to just aren't that enjoyable it seems. But we still come here to learn, regardless. But, I can't imagine how hard it can get for people such as yourself that are transgendered. I often wonder, because I myself was in a relationship with a guy who wanted to change his sex, and he had a very hard time, indeed. But he had overbearing parents, too. It always seems like it is the family who cannot accept it is who causes the most grief.

Much PUL to you, Ralph. Please don't give up. Bad times never last forever.

take care,

Ally

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Ralph Buskey

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #8 - Sep 10^th, 2009 at 11:58pm

Thank you for the kind words Ally.

My parents aren't overbearing, but my wife is. My wife and parents aren't happy about my desire to be female, but don't give me a hard time about it, as long as I look like my male self in front of them. I feel like everyone avoids me unless I look like a male. I let My mother and brother have their way with the haircut, and now I can't stand seeing myself in the mirror.

The month of September is particularly bad for me. I've lost 2 jobs that I liked in this month, and three years ago I overdosed to end my life on this planet. I survived, but haven't been truly happy since.

If I was born a female, I could have lived a great life. People that don't know me always insinuate that I'm gay, which I'm not. I'm attracted to females only. There isn't a single soul in this world that I can relate to. If I chose a life like this, then I sure picked a doozy of a test to live through. I just look forward to the ending of it.

Sincerely,

Ralph

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b2

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #9 - Sep 11^th, 2009 at 8:07am

Quote Ralph: "My wife and parents aren't happy about my desire to be female, but don't give me a hard time about it, as long as I look like my male self in front of them."

Wow, Ralph, it sounds like sometimes you are trying to be everything to everybody, and it's about time you just do what you need to do to feel like you. They'll get over it. It's your life. When you get up and look in the mirror every day, that's who you get to see. Seems like a simple thing. The way my life has gone, people come and people go, but I continue to wake up with myself every single day.

I am someone who feels that she has characteristics of both male and female genders. I had a difficult time deciding which 'direction' I would go, not being specifically attracted to only one gender, unlike you. However, no one spoke of these things, not to me, not at the time when I was 'becoming me' in that very personal way in which we all do. I mean, you didn't speak about these things in public, unless it was in hushed tones.

Ridiculous! I would be insulting myself if I claimed, even after half a lifetime, more, that I could define myself indefinitely for other people for the rest of my life, according to their wishes or their imaginations.

Basically, we imagine ourselves into being. And you have as much freedom in your imagination as you choose, as you decide that you have.

much love

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Volu

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #10 - Sep 11^th, 2009 at 3:37pm

"If I was born a female, I could have lived a great life. People that don't know me always insinuate that I'm gay, which I'm not. I'm attracted to females only. There isn't a single soul in this world that I can relate to. If I chose a life like this, then I sure picked a doozy of a test to live through. I just look forward to the ending of it."

Though the body is male or female doesn't make one locked into one type of energy, as both energies can be drawn from the spirit, which is both. I've struggled to draw upon the male energies, not because I agree with putting the feminine energy on a pedestal. Both energies have their pros and cons. I've seen relying on the feminine energy for most of my life as quite a test. My vote is for both. In your case, I'd say feeling helpless is a sign of too much feminine energy; accessing some male energy would perhaps make you stand up for yourself.

But as for a male aspect I don't like; I watched non-conformist Bruno yesterday. There was a scene where he showed up in front of a rowdy audience, 1500 attendants, where he at first appeared to be a crowd pleaser. Haven't laughed that good in a while.

http://www.vimeo.com/6376672

Some people will expect, and demand, that one acts as living in the "normal" 50s, and are happy as long as one conforms. Courage will act as a barrier to keep the conformists at bay. They will scream and howl for a while. The ones who truly accepts us for who we really are will stay, some maybe relucant at first, but the rest of the crowd will attend another show.

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Vegetarian is an old indian word for bad hunter.

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Ralph Buskey

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #11 - Sep 11^th, 2009 at 11:53pm

Quote:

I am someone who feels that she has characteristics of both male and female genders. I had a difficult time deciding which 'direction' I would go, not being specifically attracted to only one gender, unlike you.

Hello b2.

I do feel like I have characteristics of both male and female, I just prefer the feminine. I think that I may have chimerism, which is having both male and female genes. I suppose that since I'm attracted to females only, that you could say I'm a lesbian trapped in a male body.

Quote:

But as for a male aspect I don't like; I watched non-conformist Bruno yesterday. There was a scene where he showed up in front of a rowdy audience, 1500 attendants, where he at first appeared to be a crowd pleaser. Haven't laughed that good in a while.

Hello Volu.

I watched the video of Bruno. I don't know if he is into men or just does it for entertainment, but it was interesting watching him trick the audience. I too am a non-conformist. I guess that's why I'm unemployed. I only conform for my wife and family because I care for their feelings.

I temporarily changed my profile picture to show how non-conformist I can be. This picture was from before the awful haircut. Eventually I'll have long hair again, and will keep it long.

Sincerely,

Ralph

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Volu

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #12 - Sep 12^th, 2009 at 2:52pm

Ralph Buskey,
I think sacha baron, playing Bruno, does it to shake the boat. His other characters, ali g & borat also like to mix it up.

I really look forward to not deal with a body and all that follows. - My body is attracted to female bodies. Advancing a step forward in this area would for me be to leave out the gender of the body and just consider the mind. As spirits without bodies; gay as can be.

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Vegetarian is an old indian word for bad hunter.

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Pat E.

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #13 - Sep 13^th, 2009 at 1:31am

Hi, Ralph, I admire your courage in posting so honestly and fearlessly here. And my heart goes out to you for the pain you have experienced and are experiencing in this lifetime.

I've long thought that all of us fall someplace on a wide spectrum between pure masculine and pure feminine, not only in our self-identities but in our attraction to others. And that where we fall on that spectrum in both respects is not fixed throughout our lifetimes and is only slightly in our control, no matter how painful it may be for us to reconcile with. A person who rejects or puts down another because of the other's current place on the spectrum seems to me to do so mostly out of fear and his or her own denial of where he or she is on that spectrum. Almost certainly throughout our human lifetimes we have all been both male and female and always some of both.

May you find peace despite the pain.

Pat

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Ralph Buskey

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Re: Feeling Helpless
Reply #14 - Sep 13^th, 2009 at 8:51pm

Thank you for the kind words, Pat.

I'm going through a difficult time now over something that I thought was totally harmless. Back in August, I was coerced by my mother and brother into a haircut that made me very depressed. I tried to help the depression by changing my Facebook profile to one of me that you see now, in the blue dress. I said that it was temporary until I put a picture of the short haircut in.

Several days later, I replaced my profile picture with the one of the short haircut. My wife's daughter (who already knows I'm transgendered) removed me as a friend. Then she refused to talk with my wife anymore. My wife was talking to her husband this morning. I overheard her say to him that she can't control me when she's not home, and she said "What do you want me to do, kill him?".

I know it was just a figure of speech, but it hurt me a lot. I sent him an email this morning after the phone conversation, but still haven't gotten a response.

Here's the email that I sent him:

Quote:

Hello Ed.

I'm very sad and hurt by the attitude you took with Evelyn. Not only that but the lies and half truths that you told her. When I put the Ralphina picture in, it was only for a few days, then I put the short haircut picture in it's place. I also said it was temporary. I don't care what people think of me.

Please don't take it out on Evelyn. She didn't know and shouldn't be punished by you and Gail. I told her that she can visit you and I'll stay home. I'll get your camera back as soon as I can and give it to Evelyn to return it.

If you never want to see me again then fine, but please don't punish Evelyn over this as she misses the kids. It's not her fault. If you and Gail continue to punish Evelyn over this, then I'll have no choice left but to leave this world to patch up her relationship with everyone else.

Ralph

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