I always thought marriage, to some degree or other is a spiritual ritual bonding two people together to spiritually commit to one another with the blessings of God. 'Holy Matrimony' as it is called. But what does that Really mean?

However, in this day and age, nay perhaps in the past 100 years or so, marriage seems to have become increasingly empty and meaningless. I know that there are still many couples who derive great meaning from it, and are having long, happy marriages, but how many of those are there today, Really, compared to the rest that are failing miserably, going through multiple divorces, or staying together, but being unhappy? I'd like to make my point a bit clearer by giving an example from an anonymous poster from another forum.

"My girlfriend (actually my ex, as of two weeks ago) was telling me today about a discussion she had with her mother. Her mother told her that she does not love her father at all and barely had for the 20+ years they have been married, and essentially her only reasons for not getting a divorce was setting financial security as a higher priority than her own personal happiness and independence.

The same thing happened with my own parents too. My mother and father were married for 30 years, and my mother told me a while back that at best, only 10 of those years were happy, and she only stuck around to help raise her children and again, for financial security. She's since told me that her biggest regret about the whole debacle was that she did not leave sooner.

I was thinking about this now, and coupled with today's current marriage statistics, where in the US 40% of marriages have ended in divorce as of 2008, makes me question the value of marriage entirely. I'm increasingly under the impression that marriage has become an obsolete concept.

Just based on my own impressions, I've never seen a marriage that has lasted several years that is still in a good state; most of the intact ones I saw showed a husband and wife that were okay with each other's presence without really enjoying it, and their main reason for staying together had nothing to do with themselves and more with holding down house payments and raising their children together.

Perhaps my views are a bit skewed by my own experiences, but I really feel that we as humans aren't really meant to get married. Maybe polygamy is a better way to go. Maybe promiscuity is a better way to go. Maybe it's something else. Marriage is certainly not sacred anymore, by and large."      

Anonymous


I think it's really very sad to hear someone speak about marriage that way. But, there are a lot of young adults, nowadays that feel like that, coming from broken, or unhappy marriages. I came from a early divorced family and was mostly raised by my single mom and grandmother. I have been through many unsuccessful relationships, some very painful. I still have strong wishes to find my soul and life partner; future husband someday, but I didn't get much leverage to go by. I don't hold the kind of mind-frame about marriage that this person I quoted does, but it doesn't make me any less worried about the success and commitment to my own future marriage, someday. (assuming I find someone to marry at all)


Just thought I'd toss this out here, because it really bothered me. Any thoughts on the subject, everyone?

Thanks,

Ally.   

John and I had an amazing marriage at the end - the beginning wasn't as great (in part thanks to his ex and just general purpose serious broke-ness).  We were together almost 20 years, with a year and a few months break at about year six (so I didn't strangle him  )

It just got better as time went by, so it can be done.  Getting the kids out of the house does wonders for the sex life, which does wonders for the relationship, for one thing.

Thank you, Betson, I really appreciate it.  

B2, you made some excellent points. I don't think I 'need' someone else in order to be happy. But I want someone, for sure. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life; an old lady with 30 cats.    I long very much to share my life with someone in a meaningful way, and make happiness with it.

I agree with your point about giving freely and earning the other person's love. I believe that is how it should always be. The love has to be as unconditional as possible in order for it to be lasting. As similar to PUL as possible, in other words. 

Cricket, I like your point about how a marriage can get better with time. I am happy that yours did. Your example gives hope to me.

Betson. Are you in a happy marriage? You imply like you are not.    If not, what are you doing about it?

Thank you for your support and best wishes! I wish you the best, as well!

Much PUL to you all.

Ally.

Wow!!!!   

Almost 40 years!!!  That sounds incredible!!   

How many of your nearly 40 years of marriage had happiness in them, Betson? I'm just wondering, since you said that you didn't even think about kindness when you married. So what happened, and how long did it take to get to your current state of growth and spirituality?

I'd like to think that when folks stay together that long, regardless of the ups and downs, it is because they really loved each other, and found one another endearing regardless of problems and faults. But, I have found that it isn't always the case. Some people have stayed together for long periods of time, and wound up regretting it, having wasted a large portion of their life. So, how do you feel about yours?

PUL,

Ally

I finally was able to leave an unhappy 25-year marriage in 1989.  While I would be hard pressed to feel it was "made in heaven" as Bets says, I am sure I learned many lessons by enduring and making the best of it.  And despite it all, he had flowers delivered to me on my birthday for 10 years or more after our divorce.

I think we have lessons to learn from all our relationships, even the ones that cause us much pain and sadness.  I choose to take that view in part to avoid feeling I wasted so many years.

Pat

Reading these most interesting posts today, I am reminded by Bets post there that in my reading recently, I think in Braden's book, The Isaiah Effect, he asked a Buddhist monk in Tibet, is Pure Unconditional Love an emotion or a force of nature, and the monk thought quite a bit and then answered, it is both. I have since wondered how PUL can be a force of nature, then yesterday i remembered how I was sharing my life with an abusive (unkind) partner and he was becoming violent day after day, I was pretty scared and one evening I asked the angels to ALL come in at once and fill and surround our home and help him feel secure and calm so he would not be violent, and the most amazing thing happened, he changed totally for about two weeks. But to effect that influx of angels into our home that night, I had to feel deep unconditional love for him as one being to another, fully accepting and caring, and I said, Calling all angels, Calling all angels, and they came in multitudes. I guess that is what the monk meant when he said that PUL is a force of nature...like a wind or hurricane or rain or water running over rock...it changes the face of the world either slowly or quickly. Another point I could raise is, after a lifetime of codependency and selection of alcoholic husbands, four in a row, I was sent to a codependency counselor by my doctor and finally set free from the neediness of having someone in my life who needs to be "fixed". (In my view anyway.) So as to marriage problems, I guess I can now see that my own locked-in immature need to be "fixing" people created the potential for endless abusive relationships. If I ever married again, I don't know if I would succeed in selecting someone healthy and whole, but it would be an interesting process. I used to feel that such healthy people were boring and mundane. Apparently that is common in the attitude of a codependent person.  Vee