OK, now I get your name.       and I don't like it any more.

Speaking from experience:
Complete surrender to the sense of dying and the possibility of death is one way through it. It's a mega-crash that precedes a rebirth. (It's supposedly easier for women than men or girls, due to its nature of complete passivity, but men can do it; you just give it a different name than 'complete surrender.') You tell the heavens  you're done searching, done running, done fighting, etc. Best to be lying down when you say this. You may 'click out' or fall asleep at that point and have strange visions. When you wake up you may think you're dead but you're not and will soon be offerred newer better ways of living. Barriers you didn't know you had will be lifted.

Have you had time to search this site for suicide?  So many have considered it and shared their experiences with regeneration.  Pachebel's 'Canon (?in D?) gets alot of play!
You don't know what awaits you.
The more exceptional you are, the more 'special' are the answers being set up for you.
In hindsite I found I was running about 2 years fast--2 years! and the ideal situations I sought then developed at the locations I was at---they would have been for me!! but I was running fast and missed them. I thought I was nowhere but my somewhere was being formed for me right there, only I didn't stick around long enough to discover it!    So try not to be impatient like I was.

Love, Bets

Hey bets and seeker,

thank you so much for your ideas, it is surely that I am just to scared to step through open doors, if I opened them not by miself. Maybe it is just that I have to accept that my rational capability is not big enough to solve this issue, if it was the other way around, I would not carry it with me on and on.

The last topic that I read about suicide, questioned if you kill yourself, could there be a possiblity to create a new plane of existence for yourself, I disliked the idea of this, because it is kind of childish to think there will be the big blast of existence, if you run away from your problems, you are given in C1, two chances, try to overcome, or break down. After the breakdown there will be also chances, if you look for them, if not, then you have chosen to fail, and that is also a kind of hiding.
So you have to step up, if you want or not. If you not decide, then others do it for you, and THEN you will dislike it forever, others can help to find you to find your way, and being roadsigns, but you have to go this way, or you will follow footsteps, that determine you, if you want it or if not (that is most likely this thing, what seeker ment with being afraid of doing what you want instead of what is forced on you by others values.
Suicidal Tendencies/ depressions are a thing what can be left with help, but what comes after this, must at least contain your own way of life.

Visions, yes....nice visions if you dreaming awake of your own burial, seeing you lying dead in a coffin, others crying for you, seing your name written on a tombstone, but ...the date of dying is not written, only the date of birth....not while sleeping, that is what I sometimes see when I am out there "living", driving in a car, talking to others...wish not to have this anymore...omg.
Maybe I recreate my World of Warcraft account, during the time playing this illusion, I at least had a more open outlook on life, don't know why, maybe because every new day seemed to be like a new quest to be solved. But I am not willing to play again 12 hours a day, after a time it was the normal amount of time i put in it, when I had my holiday (think of it.....6 weeks of summer holidays, and 3 weeks of being online...!!).
But why starting again, I stopped more than half a year before my exams (while schooltime I played about 3 or four hours a day, when everything that had to be done, was done, my alter ego, Elizah, was my fellow for one year)
I froze my account the day my grandmother died, as it seemed like a remarkable moment, so I won't rejoin the virtual reality, maybe someday if I am in a position to make my own money and have a workplace, than maybe I can allow myself again, there I had my little private joy and happiness, but not a real one, I am just tired of hiding, need just a kick in the ass, then to crash to the fear of changing myself in a real awake consciousness.
The virtual reality was not to blame for failing my exams (it is at least not the only exams I passed, the first were those in middle school, and they worked B+, so I chose to go to highschool to have the possibilty, to study every subject there is, now that I failed, I do the practical thing, and I am allowed to study the engineering thing, and that is the possiblity I am glued to now, I see this as a precious ability and won't fail on this, maybe having a practical working experience helps me to overcome thinking I am not capable of stating something positive, at least I screwed the exams because I was too scared about failing, and it would not have happened, if I told myself that I learned enough to make it (I took 3-4 ours a day, for the last half year of my school time, and also the summer holidays, the time before I went online, to learn by heart...it was at least the thing I could do best, because I am not that good in manual working, but nothing to wonder about, I chose the theoretical part and made it the main goal of my life, and when failing the second big exam to go to university (now it just happens one year later than it would have been normally), the feelings of being worthless, and the wish not to be were maybe a reaction that must have been occured. So you see, school was my life, and through failing in what I liked so much, made it seem to be worthless, even if there are possibilities to go where I desire...

Enough said.....

Artist: Millencolin
Album: Home From Home
Year: 2002
Title: Greener Gras   Print
Correct 

I'm not harmonic
I can't reach self-esteem
That's quite ironic
Coz I thought I'd be living my dream
I don't feel supersonic
I don't drive in the lane of whipped cream
I'm more like a chronic
Ignorantly swimming upstream

What can I do to be happy?
I have problems to decide
When it looks to me the grass is greener
On the other side

How do I live for the moment
When I always wanna be else where?
How do I reach fullfilment
When I'm crashed and got parts to repair?
Why is my only amusement
Giving other people my despair?
Why do I give jealous judgement
On another's affair?

I wanna get satisfaction just like
The Stones and Manu Chao
[Greener Gras Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com]
Gotta ignore all rejection
I gotta keep trying anyhow
I wanna be close to the action
I wann live my life now
For htis correction I need direction
Gotta find it within myself somehow

So maybe one day I'll be happy?!
But until then I have to realize
That the grass is not always greener
It's only up to me to recognize
That the grass is not always greener
It's in your head it might look greener
Coz the grass will never be greener
On the other side

Love,

pulsar