From the day my grandmother passed (nearly two months ago), I sometimes have strange feelings of somebody being around me, you surely now the movie "Poltergeist", remember the scene where Diane went down the stairs and felt Carol Anne going "through her heart", later she was able to smell her. I know it is just a fictional movie, and Carol Anne is not dead, only captured in another dimension, still able to contact her family through the tv set.

But what I found very strange, since the day grandma was buried (before she was buried, I have seen her a last time, not prepared in a coffin but lying on her bed, so to say without a smile on her face, rather a mix of excitement and fear.)  , I sometimes have the feeling she is very close to me, it is sometimes like someone puts his hands on my shoulder (especially when i feel my world tears apart, I have to add that i screwed my highshool exams, the fear of failing was so big, I could not bear and overcome it and was totally dumped...so I hope that the practical training, that i have to do now, to get the permission to study electronical engineering, works, otherwise my career is over before it started... moments like this, and it is always like she is  sort of a guiding angel...I lost my faith in religion, having in mind so many well known people passed, my parents own a baker's shop so it is not avoidable to know most of the older people from a small town  ...nevertheless, I had a hard time accepting that I have to die what actually ment for me being ceased to exist, I was taught it in school, my parents taught me so, and even the closer look into brainfunctions does not state much hope for surviving physical death...but this kind of thoughts appeared at the age of 15, everything just sucked, and facing that I am to be ceased to exist, life seemed just like a bad joke, with deadly ending, nothing positive could convince me, not friends, not the fact, that school worked very well (it was the only thing i was good at, learning...) , not flowers, or the nature, when I went in the nature, I just thought another 60 years and you crappity smacking rot in this green hell, and nobody will ever remember that you have even taken one breath... ) , like trying to say "don't worry, I am now with the lord (she was a believer). And one time I also had this strange feeling of someone going "through" my heart, and what I also found kind of frightening, for this short moment of the appearence (maybe it was her non-physical entity) it smells like it smelled in her room. But later analyzing this appearence, I came back to what logic would tell: disfunction, hallucination. It was first like, wow, a sign form above, but later I comforted myself with the argument, that it was a type of medicine-hallucination, I read an article about medicine-dreams, saying that grieving/mourning ("trauernde") people often dream of their beloved, passed relatives or get weird signs, made up by the brain for comforting themselves to be able to go on with their lifes. Remember the scene of Poltergeist I mentioned before, I made the conclusion that I only had that appearence because that was the scene I loved so incredibly, and so me, having the same kind of appearence could only be a fiction, a trick played by my mind, even if I felt it was so real the moment it happened.

The thing that was like a punch in the face, was, while I was reading a book about electronical engineering (preparing for the next round... ) I was looking up from the book, because it was like someone was sitting next to me on a couch, I saw something what really shocked me (keep in mind, that I am not very good at having faith in something, be it others, religion, life or whatsoever, as long as there is no proof). It seemed like my passed grandmother sitting next to me on a couch, I could see her face, smiling at me ( The only time I felt realy "at home" somewhere was when I visited my grandmother, I have been a lot with her when I was a little child, and this comforting smile always gave me inner peace, even as a teenager, when you try not to be so much around people not being at the same age. Even if I am not that religious, this grace and expression of being satisfied , that I felt when seeing her, I only felt when a was looking at pictures or statues of Buddha or maybe the Jesus picture, that used to hang on the wall over her pillow)
Around her there was a type of aura, golden, she was shining, but her smile was the brightest spark (omg, sounds like a trip, but I have never done drugs....) .

First, I was sure, that it was something from above, that tried to reveal his essence, but thinking over and over again about this, it just cannot be real... . Some part in my head goes like : "It is a divine appearence"
the other like "It's just a trick of your mind, don't mind". I am only confused about the whole situation, it seems to makes not the slightest sense at all.... .

Now having told you a little about the entity, and a little too much about how I feel, and little about how it changed my view (but this change seems also to fade)

pulsar

Hello recoverer,

thank you for your post, you are surely right concerning the "patience-issue", sometimes it takes a while to get through things.  

I will check out the book Hello from Heaven (thank you for recommending it!) as well as the ones Bruce wrote, hoping they will bring me closer to the "something-more", I always felt being all around (but sometimes it feels easier to deny it, probably a big mistake).

Organized religion, or the different understanding of what can be stated as the divine principle what we can find in various religious groups seems to be put in the background (sorry to see that), people are more arguing what is the right path to be near the divine, not seeing that it is the same thing they are all looking for, so you are right, it should not be limited to outlooks on something, the feeling of love (what seems to be the strongest point of the divine) should be the principle to follow.

Love,

pulsar

Puslar, Non verbal communication from those not in the physical can be difficult to understand a lot of the time. Perhaps you seeing a scene from the movie "poltergeist" was this sort of communication. By showing you this scene helps you to understand that there is communication from over there and then putting the picture of your smiling Grandmother in your mind. For me that would be most comforting to see that she is happy and just fine where she is. And her to be showing her love to you is such a nice thing.

Hallo Pulsar,
nice visit you got. If you don't know what to talk to your grandma, send her a smile, you don't have to actually smile, but send the FEELING of a smile to her. That's a good opener. Once you have started that way, it would become easier to send some more thoughts until you have some sort of conversation. You probably will often say to yourself how childish you are to "invent" such conversations, but that's the way things going- you might get an information which could serve as a proof for you that it's more than just made up.

You're going to work in a technical/natural science field, and our beliefs are already heavily influenced by natural science. Nothing against science, but don't let yourself fool by that sort of scientists who are making a religion out of it. I always say in the brain there are many things, but no one ever has found a thought in it. I want to say physical categories are often confused with mind-experience-categories, which is not correct for science's sake! Science, as everything, is in our minds. Good for some things, but not for everything.

Btw, I started to study electric engineering so that I would be able to build guitar amps- well after half a year I changed for philosophy lol. I just want to say, do what you have fun with, what you like. In the end it's the best. (Now I solder still guitar amps, without being an engineer lol, it's just a hobby and spares some money)

Spooky