hello dearlight. I'll be doing my hover thing for you. I know it must be more painful than u can express and I assume it's a separation with your spouse. probably the most truamatic thing that can happen to one besides losing a child.
like the ultimate betrayal, but if anyone can rise up out of this, like the phoenix, then I suspect it would be you.
I don't think its the right time for me to do my cheerleader thing. its ok to let yourself feel it for awhile, but I noticed with the loss of my spouse, that I couldn't find the bottom to the stuff, when I let myself feel it too much and sink down too far.
but there has to be that mourning period nonetheless.
we want to know how you are doing, and certainly we all care about you and will be here.
it's strange, because I see you as the strong one of all others here. I will still see that about you because I don't believe my perceptions of you are that much off base.

I love you Blink.

Thank you Alysia and Augo for your love. It means a lot to me, and it is a sign of my trust that I give you the truth of these circumstances.

I have to correct that I speak of my boyfriend, who is not sleeping with this woman at present, but she is disruptive. She is a long time "friend" who has had her sights on him for a long time, and flew into town unexpectedly. Yes, I threw in the part about my ex-spouse and the lawyers because I was feeling very bitter.

But this woman is not the problem, really. It is my lover's lack of understanding and his unwillingness to trust me, and his defensive, critical nature which overwhelmed me this weekend and I completely broke down.

I know I must take responsibility for my choices, and for choosing this relationship, and for staying in it for a year and a half now. There has been karma which definitely needed to be completed here, and I recognize that now.

I cannot allow him to treat me in the numerous disrespectful ways in which he thoughtlessly does. What is so odd is that when we are together we are happy and at peace. But his trust level is so low that as time goes on he becomes more afraid. It is the nightly phone calls for a year and a half, interspersed with his needy nature, disappearing acts, and harsh criticism which are doing me in.

I recognize that. There is a part of me that is afraid to leave, and that is what he has done to me. And there is a part of me that loves him with all my heart.

But I know I have to grow up. I have to get stronger, and yet find a way to break this karma without harming him.

It is difficult. And I know it is not unique. Others have done it.

I called an old friend of mine last night. She was my best friend 20 years ago. She was so happy to hear from me. She was physically debilitated at the time, has had 3 failed hip operations and functions on crutches now. But she has always been brave and continues to work from home as a telemarketer.

We have the same birthday, 3 years apart.

The first words out of her mouth were about a meditation group she has been involved with lately, and the healing energetic work that is being done for her.

I will join her. This is an opportunity for me to learn about energy healing. I have been given messages lately that this is the direction my "guides" want me to move in. And I am willing.

On Saturday before my breakdown I did a four hour meditation and afterwards found myself spontaneously doing healings on many people. It was like a prayerful seated dance with hands, body, and energy and was not controlled by my conscious mind.

So I know this is a sign for me. A sign that I am being guided toward where I am supposed to be.

I also called another old friend, a buddhist friend from 20 years ago. We used to have some wonderful talks.

I believe I am devoting too much energy to my lover's negativity. His healing will happen at a very slow rate in this lifetime. I cannot control that.

So, I have to let it go. I may not have to let him go.

But I have to let go of all the negativity surrounding him and not allow it into my life at this time.

I see that I have work to do, and that I will have companions in the physical along the way.

And you are all my precious friends, although I have not spoken personally to many of you. I know I can trust you.

So thank you.

love, blink

May the eternal force bless you with energy for yourself and everyone around you Blink.

Spooky

Blink, you've been in my thoughts often for the past day.  In the midst of all the chaff that we encounter is love.  You are loved.  Rob

Your kind thoughts have helped me considerably this week.   love, blink

I loved that....

More lyrics come to mind these last few days....

Mind Games     John Lennon

We're playing those mind games together
Pushing the barriers, planting seeds
Playing the mind guerrilla
Chanting the mantra, peace on earth
We all been playing those mind games forever
Some kinda druid dudes lifting the veil
Doing the mind guerrilla
Some call it magic, the search for the grail

Love is the answer and you know that for sure
Love is a flower, you got to let it, you got to let it grow

So keep on playing those mind games together
Faith in the future, outta the now
You just can't beat on those mind guerrillas
Absolute elsewhere in the stones of your mind
Yeah we're playing those mind games forever
Projecting our images in space and in time

Yes is the answer and you know that for sure
Yes is surrender, you got to let it, you got to let it go

So keep on playing those mind games together
Doing the ritual dance in the sun
Millions of mind guerrillas
Putting their soul power to the karmic wheel
Keep on playing those mind games forever
Raising the spirit of peace and love

Love...
(I want you to make love, not war, I know youve heard it before)


-------------------

Thanks, seeker....This thread is from almost two months ago, and it feels like a long time since these posts. But thanks for your kind thoughts! I'm sure many people can relate to discouragement in love.

I thought things couldn't get any worse, but there is worse and there is Worse. Losing one's mind temporarily is no fun, but coming out of the other side is quite interesting! I love that, right now, I am just fine without doc's meds for depression and anxiety. Gotta say, Peace Is Possible!

I have returned to my work-a-day world after a 7 week hiatus (first in almost 20 years). Everything seems so easy now. I have to say....easy does it, every time.

And love definitely knows when to ignore my temper tantrums! When I remember to shut up and return to the center, well, everything falls into place!

Some people say stop pushing, stop striving, stop wearing yourself out.....they are RIGHT! Listen to them!

love, blink