Hi All! I'm always happy to be here,and know I'll be in a better space after logging off as well...I had a very vivid dream of Sandy the other morning..and luckily I did write it down,at least in short-hand, b/c I find there is usually so much information to find in the symbolism of dreams, if I tune in on the ones that were very clear or had a significant impact on me.

Sandy was my better half...a very unsusual relationship for a couple of very unusual people...he was about 23 yrears older than I..but never did I feel the age difference, and I heard it all the time from people that once they got to know us, they couldn't picture one without the other...anyway, that was just one of the "obstacles" we must have picked out for ourselves in this lifetime. To say I miss him is an understatement if there ever was one. So, for me, dreaming of him is something that I pray for regularly...b/c my dreams have always been more life-like, almost, than waking life seems to be. I was thinking along those lines, when the dream abruptly began by me sensing him with me..and the one consistent thing throughout this entire dream, is the fact that I wish I could have remembered more of what we "talked" about,than I do..I woke up with a series of intense emotions about it, but maybe b/c in dreams it's mostly telepathic thought forme I don't recall it...but I'll do the best I can with it.

We were traveling in something that seems like a boat at times, and some kind of airship at other times..and we were dropped off inside a bright,blindingly bright lobby of the grandest hotel I've ever seen....the colors were olnly white, bright blinding white, and gold fixtures, and door handles...chandeliers of crystal...and I thought to myself that we must be in some big city, but somehow felt that this incredibly large hotel was in fact, in the middle of nature,. hills,pastures, forests all around...and before I knew it, we were checked in,and in the room.My thoughts were somewhat mixed up...I was able to feel him, and knew we had only a"night" to spend together...I knew that somehow, he was in a place I couldn't see him regularly from..and I wanted to spend  every minute with him..I didn't care about our grand surroundings..so I  turned out the light, and was kind of just laying on top of him, sort of just, quiet,listening to him breathing, and his heart,like I liked to do alot in real life with him...just.."be"...and somehow after a while I started to remember he was in fact, dead, and I started reminding him of "Remember how I used to always joke with you, in life, that you better not f------ die before me, don't even think about it, b/c I couldn't ever take it if you did?Well, I'm not kidding,Sandy, I hate this.."...I know that conversation started from this, and I of course,start realising that our time together will end, and I was upset, and I think kind of just talking about how things are now...and how I feel like it's endless...and then(I kick myself now, for not staying in that enjoyment phase with him) just reviewing with him the space I'm in right now..and that I'm starting to doubt I'll be able to pull through this time,yet again...something about, 'over and over again'..wanting to stop the world...etc..

(I'm not sure why, but I'm having trouble editing this, so forgive the typos, I'll try to fix them after if it will let me) So I think my rising panic like feelings made the dream situation different, I was now in the hotel, and knew that Sandy was still in our room, and that I had to go and get something from the desk, to this minute, I don't know what...but after a while, I found myself going in circles...not finding a central point, or desk, I stopped in a restaraunt that was in the same structure,and sat down. A woman came to sit across the table with me, and asked me what was bothering me, and I told her I couldn't find my room.I had the key with me, and the number was 267.During the dream, I kept looking at the number on the key, b/c I abandoned the plan of the desk, and wanted to be back with Sandy, but couldn't find the right numbered row or rooms, and was literally running around the place, before going to this restaraunt. I told the woman I was going to ask a waitress to help me, since I could find no other hotel workers, and she helped me flag one down, who agreed to help me find my room,and I kept hoping Sandy hadn't left to look for me, b/c I was afraid he'd get lost like I did. I now realised I had bags with me, like we usually had on a weekend trip, but I had trouble collecting all the stuff, and in the mess, lost the key, and I couldn't now remember the exact number,thinking it was 297, and then 27...during this, I got more and more tense,and decided to drop my stuff, leave my clothes, and valuables, I just wanted to find my room, and when I dropped all the material things I had, I recalled the number at last...

The waitress brought me out into the lobby, and Sandy was already down there, waiting for me..he had a bunch of our bags, and I ran out to him,and asked him if we could have more time. Somehow I knew we could not,but I was asking him to please come and get me again...I knew we were waiting for the strange travel vehicle,a large boat/sometimes aircraft. I got the feeling he was trying to help me relax about things,and I was just wanting to stay...and then I woke up with a kind of twisted feeling in my gut....so...there it is, everything is a long rambling response from me..lol..I hope I can go back and edit this, b/c for some reason it didn't allow me to, without losing the material...so here goes......wishing everyone sweet dreams out there...

Wow,THAT was cool...I was just reading something of yours,that you wrote,I think the post was "met a soul today",and I was sitting here, and thinking about what you were saying..and I was really liking the whole feel of it,and there were paralells that I saw in that and my situation with something....so anyhow...deep in those thoughts, I got alerted to an e-mail, saying about a topic reply to the dream I had...and I came here,and thought it was so neat that you were the replyer!

But, better than that,I think you really hit the dream like hitting a nail on the head! I cold feel certain aspects..but somehow the great mystery is my own dreams can be the hardest to see in a more objective way. The thing that hit me the hardest, though, which I didn't really consider, was when you asked about if he could be worried about me. I would certainly worry about him,and many times he'd say don't worry...and it was like a private joke, I couldn't help it...but on the flip side of that, was that he did in fact, worry about me alot, esp.when we weren't living together,and near the end of his life.

It was one of the things, that I felt made our relationship unique to him..if I understand him and his mother correctly...he could walk away from just about anything and everything, if he had a mind...but we just couldn't do that with each other. and one thing that he was known to do, was to worry about me and the kids, when he was gone..and that was something he could remove himself from doing quite successfully for much of his life with people. The condition I was in right before he died even had me worried...I had been depressed before..and through things that could be considered major crisis, and seemed to be able to take things in stride, and was able to do whatever needed to be done, there was no other alternative...and then....now...I feel like I've made some kind of perverse about-face....with the drive I used to have..and I keep thinking about this one convo we had about three days before he died...and I remember he asked me to tell him how I felt, and I did...and amazingly, he was able to just...listen...it's not that we had no communication in the past, but that male brained response, (supposedly) with him was that it was usually hard for him to simply listen if I was having a problem. He instead wanted to immediately be able to solve it, fix it...while I just wanted to be able to share the problem itself, a common thing...but for this last week and a half, I keep on flashing to this one convo among many,for some reason, and I remember watching him while he was listening to me...and I remember flinching inside, when I saw him visibly flinch when I said certain things, and I saw it hurt him, and I felt bad for saying it, but it surprised me at the time he was so open to listening like that,active listening,I guess you could call it. I guess I should at least for myself right now write out the highlight of that conversation...basically,I was saying along the lines of,(and bear with me,I know I've mentioned parts of this, I think) "Sandy, I don't know what it is..this seems different than any other depression or "low time" in my life, and there's been several just due to the nature of the way I lived, too much, too fast, runaway,homeless,alcohol/drug addiction, recovery from, single mother, breaking the cycle of physically abusive relationships, coming to terms with being molested as a kid...etc...there's been times I've felt very low indeed, but there are key differences, things I have lost now that I always was able to hold onto even the darkest of times..." He was listening, (I was sitting side by side with him on my couch, I never slept in my bed again since he moved out a year prior, though we were still together, but working on ourselves as well,and were getting reading to move back in,before this year, we lived together like seven or almost eight years)and he simply asked me,"Like what? what's different?" And I told him that for one thing....that since I was married(short marriage to childhood friend) and had my two boys so young, I had to become responsible for two children,at a time,when,I was barely able to live myself...I was just for the first time trying to get clean,I started drinking and using abusively regularly from age 11, so I did much quick, and when I relaised no one would take care of my boys except for me,I really tried my best to stay sober, and for the most part, could at least not drink during pregnancies, or only if the kids were away from home being babysat by family,did I "party" if I was going to...but having them changed everything,I had to live for them, before that, I had a death wish...so I put that on hold for them, knowing I had to stay alive to take care of them...it forced sanity into my life that I am thankful for now. I worked hard b/c I had so much to learn about living life on life's terms,and worked through depressions and such knowing they needed me......lately...I started getting "ill"enough in my mind that I have begun to think perhaps they would have been better off without me after all(I don't feel this way now,but it scares me, b/c I really felt that)...so what was once my biggest motivator, now I was starting to think very different about my role with them,despite positive reinforcement, knowing I did better as a mom than I would have ever imagined...my views were becoming distorted.I also told him that I had hoped that by now I would be re-married again, b/c I've finally relaised that I am capable of great love......and I saw him flinch..I didn't mean it to be hurtful...I felt he certainly knew that I meant to him, of course...I knew as long as he lived and breathed I could never really be with anyone else(and can't imagine it now, even)...and he kept thinking he was being selfish,that I should marry someone closer my age,and that I'd be better off with someone who could bring "more" to the table..we fought about this often..I would say who was he to judge what made me happy, that we seem unable to shake each other anyway..and should I give up the very thing that makes my soul sing,for something more "practical"? Also, now I think he must have known on some level he was going, b/c as an arguement for his side,he would say he will not be around long,and then what?And even the last week of his life, he told me he felt he didn't have long to  live, and b/c this man was so incredibly healthy...I mean, honestly,he wore me out with his energy all the time,...he was full of energy and life, and always out there,finding life...he was physically so strong,and it wasn't until his last month or so that he started looking pale,and bloated to me....and so I would respond to this by telling him to not even THINK about dying before me..that I was sure he'd out live me easily..his mother is in her 90's with sharp mind and healthy body intact.I also told him that no matter what happened in my life, I lived on "heart"and/or "passion"of some kind, I used that passion in my work with masonry and counseling,and as a nurses adie, b/c I love the work, and I used it in college, b/c I love to learn, so "dean's list" was easy b/c of this passion, and of course,I'm a romantic...but that for some reason it felt to me like not only was I depressed in a not wanting to go through the motions way, but I felt acute agony in my heart,like someone was tearing it to pieces on the inside,and it didn't make any sense, in the way it did when losing some others very very close to me,from AIDS, one best friend, I watched him slowly go,and decide to not take meds anymore, and with some of the people I knew from the street that were like family, I always hung with people much older than myself, and they really did watch out for me out there, you never know where you find your angels, on the tracks with a bottle of wine sometimes they are in disguise, and it hurt to see the various painful deaths of those I cared about from the disease of addiction...it felt like loss....it was deeper, even,like a physical pain,and it just was getting so that the things I held onto that used to spark hope in me,that always got me up on my feet again, seemed far away and unattainable,I saw him flinch again.I know it sounds dramatic, but it was just like this...and I cried after that,about how I wanted to leave this body,that I felt so tired,like I was 1000 years old...he seemed to slump as I said all this,looking defeated in a way I've never seen him,and after I tried lightening the mood... I thanked him for being able to listen all the way through, usually he would kind of panic and even start a fight if I were to go anywhere near 'there', he always wanted to protect me from things,to help make things a bit easier...to be "solution man"...and this he couldn't fix by some of the loving actions he always had done to help in the past,and I felt that fear in him for me.

Thanks Alysia for your insight...I feel such exciting things for you...and I will have to re-read what you wrote again,to take it in, in levels...b/c I siezed on the idea that perhaps he is still worried for me...I've kind of relapsed into a depressive state,and am fighting it...not quite like it was...but dangerously close...and I didn't even think about what that would be like for him now, or even if he was feeling that..I kind of just imagine him being all happy,and busy as heck with helping esp children of all kinds...he loved kids...and didn't think about if that existed,or how it could affect both of us and our communication / connection. I know if I could connect as easily as I can with alot of spirits with him now...I think it would help me to feel better about alot of things....so thanks for the insight again...take care....Tanja

Wow,again! One thing I never get tired of experiencing, in my life, is that feeling of 'waking' before hitting the ground in a falling dream...just when you think you're surely going to get a faceful of dirt,something happens. I think what can fuel a depression,or like in this recent dream, that feeling of running in circles......well I can only speak for me..but when you go for "help" (thankfully I finally after a lifetime of therapists, and being one myself, have found one that is very aware,and even she and I have to talk in code at times, b/c of the way things "are") often I want to be able to say what I realy feel,b/c I feel every pain or trial I've EVER experienced is a spirirtual disease,or lesson...etc...but were I to talk like I can and do here, the "fine young men in the clean white coats" would be "coming to take me away"(ha ha) with the best intents and purposes....

I really am not exaggerating in the least when I say thank God for these boards,and in particular,right now,I really needed to hear exactly what I have from you, Alysia ,you have no idea, or you absolutely do, is more like it . I have to take a minute and hopefully more to acknowledge gratitude for this...b/c gratitude is one of the strongest healers and cure-all's in the world for me. It proves that I, for one, can't do this alone,and I'm willing to take the last little risk of sharing here,before giving into the feeling of disenchantment towards my own life...I really need every bit of encouragement to write,for one,it's vital for me now, and the other thing is since I've been a child I've dreamt of one day writing a book...passed up many fine opportunities,took the hard way almost compulsively,settled for less,ignored the encouragement I yearned for when I got it...but not anymore,I can barely get through the motions,and have no idea how we'll get through even next week...but I'm going to go for it,I am always writing in one way or other anyway......however....I would LOVE to read your book,absolutely would...

There's so much you said here that I need to take in..I'm so glad that you took the time to write it down. I sometimes need to take my own advice...like with my oldest son, who has had his young heart broken from years of broken promises,and largely absent or drunken father(and I thought he would be the responsible one, how selfish I was!I planned on burning out young,and felt he'd be there for the long haul) It took a long time for him to accept Sandy,they were incredibly alike and naturally butted heads......but they became the closest of friends quickly, quickly for my son, that is. I am also very thankful my son is able to be as honest and open with me as he is...and when he'd ask the big questions, b/c loyalty and family are the things closest to his heart...I don't know how many times I heard myself saying to him, "It's all okay in the end,don't become too concerned with labels...sometimes the people you think are supposed to be there through thick and thin are not, for whatever reason, and then sometimes people you haven't met yet, or people you wouldn't have thought twice about are the ones that end up being invaluable...and the bottom line is, we make our own "family" in this world...and it does not depend on blood, but on our individual karma...etc..." There were so many beautiful things Sandy and I shared,and it is just shifting gears, I should know this, and I do...but I need to hear it,and it's esp. meaningful when it comes from someone who sees things,esp.the things closest to my heart, in such a similar way(s).

All this by examining a dream....this is what I love about all of this,it all fits in and is perfectly timed and orchestrated...and as long as I'm thinking along these terms, I'm in a much better place...I swear you were peeking in my life, b/c I was recently making sarcastic jokes about even making cofee is a major act of faith for me, lately... and coffee is vital to me,lol...but it's true,it's the little things,daily living that swallows me whole some days. And I laughed about the female/male energy...I agree...he could straighten me out "like that", and thinking about that alone, helped me feel him over my shoulder,and I swear I could feel him saying 'thank goodness'..and I know he would be agreeing whole-heartedly with everything you've said about this...SO...off to dream more dreams..and I will take your advice....I can get easily caught up in things not worthy of getting caught up in... Take Care all..