The title is "Death Cat" because now that my cat is dying and looks like "death" it seems a fitting name.

My friend drove the black cat Salem to my house 12-13 years ago. The cat belonged to his neighbor which would not let the cat inside the house and had already shot the other cat they owned. (Apparently the OTHER cat scratched a child so they took the cat on the front porch and shot it.) They took Salem to the SPCA and my friend went and got him out of there even though they said the cat was dangerous and they were going to put it to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first memories of Salem (I did not name him the prev. owner did and I did not want to change his name on him.) are of me entering my bedroom at my parents house and the cat came right out from under the bed when I called his name and proceeded to hop up against my leg affectionately even though I had never met him before. He became my close friend, like a child to me. Within the next two weeks he became VERY sick. The nice SPCA gave him a cat cold. He nearly died. I had him hooked up to an IV at the vet and he stayed a few nights which I paid several pay checks to cover. The vet then said he would have to come home cause there was nothing they could do. They said he would have to begin eating... - or die.

I took him home. He did not eat. I would put food down and he would not eat. He was dying.

Then...

I put the food in my hand and held it up to him and begged him to eat it.

He ate from my hand.

I cried.

He lived.

--------------
Flash forward:

I had to take him to the vet. He kept holding his mouth open and drooling. I also noticed a scratch or something odd on his eyeball. The vet diagnosed him with needing teeth removed which we did. His eye got worse. The vet told me to bring him back.

The diagnosis was wrong. (don't get me wrong he did have bad teeth.)

He had a stroke or a tumor. The vet told me there is NOTHING they can do. I think stroke is more likely since the issue came out of nowhere. His right side head and eye has nerve damage. His right eye cannot close and is useless. He has lost a lot of weight. He only eats when I sit there and beg him. He stays at his spot on the couch almost all the time now and I can feel bones. I hate to touch him. He does eat a little wet food and does not drink at all. I fear the end of him is near. He still stands (wobbly) and makes an internal sound when I get home. He also purrs when I kiss his head and pet him. It's not time to end his life yet but I fear the time will be soon.

It is truly sad because I would do anything to have him live. I would throw away years of work on my computer, give up my tv, games, anything... why? Because without my cat none of these things matter. I am connected to him. He is so special. I feel terrible that over the years I became wrapped up in so many things and didn't spend as much time with him as I could have. Don't get me wrong, I still did spend time with him. He loves to sleep under the covers and rest his head on my arm.

You know what is funny? I don't believe in God but like a typical person that wants something that is out of they're control I begged God for help. I have made a vow to God that I will not drink a drop of alcohol or do any drugs while my cat still lives. (I drink a lot of alcohol and do drugs.) I highly doubt making a promise like this will have any effect regardless but I figure if I am asking for a miracle I may as well make a real deal.... even if I don't believe.

I just want my cat alive with me. God I love him so much. To see him like this.... it's terrible. He is my soul-mate-cat for no one can ever replace him.

Ok... sorry for all the ranting but I am really worried and upset.... it's awful. I have no faith... I am agnostic... I only trust science.

wrote on Mar 17^th, 2010 at 10:53pm:

The title is "Death Cat" because now that my cat is dying and looks like "death" it seems a fitting name. My friend drove the black cat Salem to my house 12-13 years ago. The cat belonged to his neighbor which would not let the cat inside the house and had already shot the other cat they owned. (Apparently the OTHER cat scratched a child so they took the cat on the front porch and shot it.) They took Salem to the SPCA and my friend went and got him out of there even though they said the cat was dangerous and they were going to put it to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!! My first memories of Salem (I did not name him the prev. owner did and I did not want to change his name on him.) are of me entering my bedroom at my parents house and the cat came right out from under the bed when I called his name and proceeded to hop up against my leg affectionately even though I had never met him before. He became my close friend, like a child to me. Within the next two weeks he became VERY sick. The nice SPCA gave him a cat cold. He nearly died. I had him hooked up to an IV at the vet and he stayed a few nights which I paid several pay checks to cover. The vet then said he would have to come home cause there was nothing they could do. They said he would have to begin eating... - or die. I took him home. He did not eat. I would put food down and he would not eat. He was dying. Then... I put the food in my hand and held it up to him and begged him to eat it. He ate from my hand. I cried. He lived. -------------- Flash forward: I had to take him to the vet. He kept holding his mouth open and drooling. I also noticed a scratch or something odd on his eyeball. The vet diagnosed him with needing teeth removed which we did. His eye got worse. The vet told me to bring him back. The diagnosis was wrong. (don't get me wrong he did have bad teeth.) He had a stroke or a tumor. The vet told me there is NOTHING they can do. I think stroke is more likely since the issue came out of nowhere. His right side head and eye has nerve damage. His right eye cannot close and is useless. He has lost a lot of weight. He only eats when I sit there and beg him. He stays at his spot on the couch almost all the time now and I can feel bones. I hate to touch him. He does eat a little wet food and does not drink at all. I fear the end of him is near. He still stands (wobbly) and makes an internal sound when I get home. He also purrs when I kiss his head and pet him. It's not time to end his life yet but I fear the time will be soon. It is truly sad because I would do anything to have him live. I would throw away years of work on my computer, give up my tv, games, anything... why? Because without my cat none of these things matter. I am connected to him. He is so special. I feel terrible that over the years I became wrapped up in so many things and didn't spend as much time with him as I could have. Don't get me wrong, I still did spend time with him. He loves to sleep under the covers and rest his head on my arm. You know what is funny? I don't believe in God but like a typical person that wants something that is out of they're control I begged God for help. I have made a vow to God that I will not drink a drop of alcohol or do any drugs while my cat still lives. (I drink a lot of alcohol and do drugs.) I highly doubt making a promise like this will have any effect regardless but I figure if I am asking for a miracle I may as well make a real deal.... even if I don't believe. I just want my cat alive with me. God I love him so much. To see him like this.... it's terrible. He is my soul-mate-cat for no one can ever replace him. Ok... sorry for all the ranting but I am really worried and upset.... it's awful. I have no faith... I am agnostic... I only trust science.

Hi Star: Dr. David Hawkins' says animals don't know they have died... they simply make the transition without any notice that something happened...

S.

Interesting but if there is an afterlife I would have to say He will know something happened for sure. I would hope he would notice that he doesn't have me anymore. Once he's dead there is nothing more I can do for him or do to show him any love. I hope my other dead loved one can meet him. My dead friend knew this cat and knows what I am going through. I would rather hope that they will be there to meet him and will ?explain? to the cat what is going on.

Starcraft, this is a difficult thing to go through, so I really feel bad for you, to have to watch your beloved cat suffer like this. But, I think your cat will be there for you when you get home, on the other side. Although I can't promise a 'message' later, of a particular  kind, I think this is a kind of love that never ends, so Salem will be there, and will remember you. Salem came into your life to teach you things you could not learn anywhere else, about love. So, be strong, it will be okay.

Before: Not even THAT long ago.... like maybe 2 months ago this was taken:

http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/1719/picture007a.th.jpg

NOW:
http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/691/picture363m.th.jpg

I am not ready. I can't handle this. I can't watch my cat die.

He's trying to tell me something right now but I can't understand it. I don't know if he is telling me he is frustrated because he can't get the food to swallow or if he is telling me he is hurting or if he is telling me he wants me.

You are never ready for that. Calm down as much as possible and let your cat feel your love instead of your despair. Go that road with your cat till the end.

I had many cats, and I loved them, and they're all long gone. I often dream of them.

Spooky

That's easier said than done. Sure I love his guts to death and I still rub my face against his head and kiss him and tell him I love him and that I am sorry. But, I cannot change the way I feel.

He looks awfully rough in that picture, Starcraft.

Is he eating or drinking more now, or is he still not doing much of either?  Does he move around at all?

I don't know all the facts here, but judging by that picture and what you were saying earlier, especially if the answers to my questions are negative, I really worry that you're letting him suffer a slow and uncomfortable death rather than doing him the favor of a gentler and quick passing at the vet.

Just my opinion; I've had to make that call with a dog I had from age 5 to 21, I loved her a ton, and I know how horrible it feels, but I would have felt even worse if I had dragged out the process over a series of days/weeks because I was putting my emotions over her (my dog's) discomfort.  I'm truly sorry you're in this position; it sucks.

Salem looked like my little Casey, when Salem was well. It's got to be so hard for you, but I agree with the idea of just giving as much love as you can until it's time. It's not fair. I had 20 (almost) years with Casey, and you've only had a couple of months. But life isn't fair. Oh, well. Just take care of Salem the way you'd want to be taken care of if it was you having to go through all that. And, if it's time to end the suffering for Salem, let the vet help you. You can even find a vet who will come over and help your cat pass over at home, if need be. No, it's not at all a nice thing to go through. I still remember exactly what it was like to bump heads with Casey, who loved me best. She liked to touch noses. She would fetch a marble I rolled along the floor and bring it back in her mouth and drop it in front of me. You should have had 20 years, and I believe you will.  Just tell Salem you'll always be there, and mean it, and it'll happen. You can get through this.

I am treating that cat exactly the way I wish to be treated. I don't care if i am a floating brain in cerebral fluid under constant pain. As long as I am alive, I want to live. I cannot accept death.

p.s. he still tries to eat and drink, he is wasting away. he still can stand and meows and purrs. It is not time yet. Soon.

Soon I will kill him.

My car wouldn't start this morning.

So I called off work.

The cat meowed at me for help all day. I called the vet since I was home.

They recommended that I get a syringe and force feed him.

I bought it and with great doubts I emptied the syringe into his mouth.

He swallowed the food. He purred. He stopped meowing.

I never would have tried force feeding him without the vet telling me to do it...

I never would have called the vet if my car had started today...

Wow, Star, does it seem like things are happening the way they are for a reason? That's amazing, it sounds like you and Salem were destined for each other.

I love the irony. I pray to God for help for my cat and vow I will drink no alcohol and do no drugs for as long as my cat still lives and God says, "Ok.... the cat will live as long as you are willing too keep feeding it with a syringe."

Therefore putting the control back in my hands.  :o

This isn't what I believe, but this is what I am hoping will happen when I put my cat down.


I am hoping that my very close dead friend that knew Salem and loves cats will be there to greet him and will explain everything that happened. My cat will be a cat but more than a cat, able to mentally or even "foe" verbally communicate in ways way beyond normal and will accept the feelings of love and understanding and will be able to hang out with the loved one and do things and also watch me.

Then... one day. I will die. My cat will be there and he will be a cat with me and lay under covers with his head on my arm and purr and even play like he used to. And more, he will actually talk / communicate beyond anything in life. I will be able to ask him why he meowed at certain times during his life and inquire what he really was thinking. Both of our beings will join together and love each other and be happy.

Nice huh? Yeah, that's what I want. But I can't hope for it. There is no proof that this exists.   :'(

wrote on Mar 29^th, 2010 at 10:01pm:

This isn't what I believe, but this is what I am hoping will happen when I put my cat down. I am hoping that my very close dead friend that knew Salem and loves cats will be there to greet him and will explain everything that happened. My cat will be a cat but more than a cat, able to mentally or even "foe" verbally communicate in ways way beyond normal and will accept the feelings of love and understanding and will be able to hang out with the loved one and do things and also watch me. Then... one day. I will die. My cat will be there and he will be a cat with me and lay under covers with his head on my arm and purr and even play like he used to. And more, he will actually talk / communicate beyond anything in life. I will be able to ask him why he meowed at certain times during his life and inquire what he really was thinking. Both of our beings will join together and love each other and be happy. Nice huh? Yeah, that's what I want. But I can't hope for it. There is no proof that this exists.   :'(

Well, there is proof actually. The problem though is there is no proof which someone can provide for you. In order to get proof, you have to obtain it yourself. That's the whole idea. I don't mean you have to die. There are plenty of meditations and things throughout the site which apparently teach you how to confirm these things has knowledge rather than beliefs. I'm personally not ready to obtain that knowledge. I'm not ready to leave my simple life behind just yet. But sometime before 2012 and probably before this year ends I will attempt something.

My wife got up and found him convulsing at the front door at 1:30 am. I had just fed him by syringe 4 hours ago and pet him and he purred. I took him to the vet where it was determined that he had a massive stroke and was unconscious. The vet's opinion was that he would not survive the night.

He was put to sleep around 2:30 am.
My cat is dead.
I killed him.

I don't want to hear people saying I did the right thing. That pisses me off. I didn't do the right thing. Death is never right, death is never ok. The moment you start thinking like that I hope you drop dead and die because life is everything.

Best wishes to Salem and all his new friends in the afterlife. And, may the indisputable proof, for you, come at the best time and the best way possible.

I know this isn't the dream section but I am keeping everything about my cat together. I slept 3 ours and upon waking I remember my cats watery food and the food was on my chest.

That's all I know for sure.

....I think maybe the food was being licked off me and maybe was in the shape of a heart but I am not sure of that part.

Awareness hit me and my hurting eyes.
I have returned to a world in which my cat is dead. MY friend, but more than that. Not at all just a cat. I have two other cats and a dog and I would be upset if they died, true, but.. I didn't let them in. I let Salem in. He was in me, a part of me, and I am a crazy person. I am not letting the other pets in.

I can't.

I'm sorry for being rude earlier, I do want people to post. I need to feel that connection with someone right now to share this. I'm hurting really badly.

I've had a similar case. A cat had been old and ill for a long time, and one day the cat could only crouch. Obviously suffering. So a vet put it to sleep. I have the same feeling. It doesn't feel right, still not, after all the years. But it wasn't wrong, as well. Life is difficult. Or maybe, something with our emotions is wrong.

Spooky

Starcraft, many of us understand your pain, because many of us have let an animal into our hearts and then suffered that terrible loss.  I can still shed a tear over the death 15 years ago of Keesha, a dog my then-family adopted as a puppy.  When Keesha was 10, I got divorced and the two kids were gone, so the last five years of her life it was just Keesha and me.  I selected two houses to live in during that time with a primary criterion that they work for her.  Then, at 15, her kidneys failed.  She couldn't walk and wasn't interested in eating and had the saddest eyes in the world.  After she had spent several days at the vet with all manner of treatment, to no avail, I held her while the vet put her to her final sleep in this life.  I cried more tears then and in the days that followed than I cried when either of my parents died. 

Yes we will lose them and it will break our hearts, but we still need to welcome and love those animal friends.  They are like no other.

Now I live alone with Luna, the calico cat my daughter brought home as a kitten five years ago.  Since my daughter died in Oct. 2008, Luna is a living link to Megan for me.  Since Luna is very shy and hides when anyone else is in my house, I am her only companion.  And I know it will break my heart again when she dies.  But I wouldn't give up the having of her because of that.

There used to be a cat that lived outside on the balcony, and now it's gone back to it's original owner. So, no more cat around, except...this big, black, healthy looking fellow with gold eyes who 'owns' the alley, or so it seems by his proud walk. I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks, and rarely observe him, but he occasionally saunters by. I told myself that if I saw him when I opened my door I would consider it a sign for you. Well, I opened my door this morning, and there he was, standing beside some purple wildflowers, looking up at me. He stood there for a minute, then darted off after a bird which flew down, a large pigeon. He ran across my field of view and disappeared. So, I consider it a sign, for you, that all is well in the land of black cats. For what it's worth.

I really want to be able to say something which could ease your mind. I know that if nothing we say can do that, time will eventually be your healer.

I feel I'm a pretty young person to have known so many people who have died which were close to me. I don't know anyone personally my age who has known death like I have. I realize there are people with far greater tragedies, but I know only my own experiences and can only sympathize or empathize with others.

One thing I have noticed with all of the people which I cared about and died in my life, I've never felt an overwhelming sadness. Most of my sadness was during their dying process, and upon each death I could only stare at those which weeped and mourned and wonder why I could not join them. I think now that its part of my inner strength and my own understanding that death is not to be as feared and mourned as much as we feel it should, simply because our consciousness does not fully understand it yet.

I think that the relationship with your cat was a very spiritual one, and that relationship has only left physically for the moment. In time, that relationship will be mended and it will return to you. I don't even mean in death. In your life now I believe that love will return. In what form I could not say. But give it time and keep your head up, love your family and find the gratitude for life and your grief will fade.

I know it is hard to accept some words and allow them to help but I hope that you will relax your mind and allow us to give you strength. I don't even know you and I felt a strong urge to encourage you. That has to mean at least something.

Two bottles fell in the bathroom while I was in the shower (I was no where near them) not saying my cat did it, but it made me think of him. He used to do all sorts of things to get my attention, he would always knock stuff off of the night stand and computer desk. In addition to that he also (USED TO) tear paper with his mouth. He would go at it like crazy. The funny thing was that even after I started brushing my head against him and petting him he didn't stop tearing at the paper. He just loved doing it I think. LOL. It wasn't really a problem most of the time... cept when it was something important.

I am crying every day. I think Salem knew how much this was going to hurt. He had been trying to get outside the apartment lately, something he never does, and when I did find him that morning he was unconscious and dying, laying right against the front door. I think his last act was trying to get away from me so I wouldn't see.

I feel so bad. I wasn't really there for him. I fed him by syringe that night, he purred, then I went to bed. Then about 4 hours later.... that was when my wife was getting ready for her 2:00 am shift and she found him. I failed him. Sure, I said goodnight to him every night of his sickness, but I wasn't there in the end. Sure, I was there at the vet when we gave him the injection of death, but he wasn't conscious. I would have stayed with him all night if I had known this was the end. I just feel so bad. He had to be out here alone when the stroke happened.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's a natural instinct for a cat which is very sick to withdraw, to want to be alone, especially, and most importantly, when it is 'time' to go. That is a sure sign that Salem was ready. I have witnessed this before. The instinct is to crawl into a small, dark corner somewhere where he could not be disturbed. So, it's not your fault, and even if you had been nearby, he might have done the same thing when you walked away, just for a few minutes. I can understand why you feel bad, but I just don't think you should blame yourself at all. It sounds to me like you and your wife were very much there, and very much did everything you could do, and more than many people would do, under the circumstances.

http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/3994/remains.th.jpg

I poured myself some alcohol since now I can drink without breaking my promise and I can't do it. It is probably a mental block since if I do it I am accepting that he is dead.

Well, it's late, and there are things to do...tomorrow. Poor Death Cat. I'm having a toast, to Salem. I couldn't decide which, the Yellow Tail or the Bogle, but went ahead and poured the Bogle...we hardly knew him....so, here's to Salem.

Well, I didn't drink last night but I finally managed to toast to my cat today. Since I made that promise of no alcohol or drugs while my cat lived taking that first sip was very, very hard and didn't feel good. It was my acceptance that my promise was kept and that my cat is dead.

I realize it's a cat and not a person and this all seems overboard, but, the bond I had with this cat... it is very strong. I have 2 other cats and a dog but I did NOT open myself to them. If spirits exist I can guarantee to you that mine and that cats are a part of each other. He liked everyone but my family, friends, and my wife all knew that cat had a different bond with me.

So, I have a drink here, drinking it slowly. I managed to only get fairly teary eyed today and not crying/sobbing like every other day this week. I can't really live this life thinking that this box is all that remains of my cat and that someday that will be me. It's just not good enough. There HAS to be more to life than this. I have to believe that someday I will be with him and he can lay his head on my arm under the covers again.

Yes, today is a better day. I can type/think about this and not cry. I am not a crying kind of guy either. I only really cry over death.

Generally speaking, I feel that (IF) souls//spirits//some sort of upper consciousness exist all living things would HAVE to have one. The only thing is generally most animals really are not able to show it much.

It is so difficult//impossible when trying to gauge exactly what an animal is thinking.

Like my cat would look at me more than anyone in my household and his eyes looked at me in a loving way. What was he really thinking? Obviously he cannot think like a human.... When WE think in our minds... we think in.... WORDS!!!!!

Tell me you don't.... =P

I think just the fact that animals can show love says volumes about their spirits. If an animal can show love and we can recognize that love, then love is truly a natural part of life which we all recognize from our understanding is the most powerful form of energy and emotion available.

Wow, I've been wiping tears from my eyes for three pages now. This is just horrible, and my condolences Starcraft. I guess the reason why I reacted so strongly to this thread was because I have a cat myself, and the day he dies will be a gruesome day. But it is worth it, y'know. Potentially years and years of love.

I had a dream last night, the first dream I have had as far as I know, regarding my cat.

I was in a white room, the room probably had other white/grey objects or furniture in it but that was a blur to me. The only thing I could focus on was Salem. He was there. We brushed faces against each other and I pet him and was thinking it was all just a mistake, my cat really isn't dead. Then I wanted to feed him because I had no idea when he last ate so I left that room and came back with a can of cat food but he wasn't there. I called, "Salem!!!" and he popped out right away from under or behind an object. My brain ruined everything then because I thought about it and I could see how this isn't right. I started to doubt and started to realize I was in a dream.... therefore waking me up. I don't know if I was talking in my sleep or not but when I woke up I was saying his name.

Probably just a dream.

Wow, Star, that's cool. I think it's interesting that you began to get lucid, and then woke up. I don't really know what is 'just a dream' anymore, but I am thrilled for you, that you had the experience of meeting up with Salem again, and how responsive he was!

You know, that's how we often see humans in the afterlife, in dreams -- well and happy -- and in much better physical and emotional 'health', so much so that it is very noticeable.  Upon thinking about that, it seems logical to me that Salem would be acting quite different now. But, he would, we hope, remember you very well.

Well, still, I am not sure if it was just a dream or not.

But, the one feeling I get on retrospect is that if I call Salem, he will be there.... no matter what. He will come for me when I call him.

I once had a dream of one of my gone cats which was so strong that I felt this cat being around me the next day (when I was awake) and felt the urge to talk to it and to pet my invisible cat.

Spooky

Yeah, sadly I went crazy yesterday and was petting my invisible cat on the way home from work. I called him and pretended to pet him. I don't understand why this had to happen. I would do anything to get him back. I'll even put him in a pet cemetery or something. I'll stop eating for 40 days and go naked and pray to Yahweh. I don't understand why my cat has to be dead.

I just wanted to share some thoughts on the afterlife and how our thoughts may change.

Whether or not my dream was actually from my cat doesn't matter. My cat was in it, my cat knows I had the dream. Therefore whether or not my cat had anything to do with the dream does not matter at all. What matters is I saw my cat and I was able to touch him.

In the afterlife nothing matters and everything matters. Anything is possible therefore you can create something out of energy and experience it or someone you love can do the same for you. I just get this odd feeling like I am on to something when I say, nothing matters at all even though everything matters. It's like an odd yin yang universe thought.


When I call him I sometimes picture him being as close to me as he can while I am standing... I feel like he is laying right behind my head on my shoulders.

My mom and dad have very high ceilings in they're apartment and in the kitchen there was a fan.

Salem used to stare at the controls hanging down from that fan.

One day I thought...well, what the hell, why not. So I picked Salem up.

I had to stand on a chair.

I held him in my arms up to the dangly fan controls.
He batted at them playfully.



Salem was my spirit.

My spirit is dead.

In the bathroom for about two seconds or so I smelled his wet cat food. It is a very distinct smell because when you open the can, add water and blend it the smell actually changes and that is what I smelled.

I just have to keep telling myself my cat can see me and he loves me and when he passed my friend was waiting... and is there taking care of him. When I was driving him to his death I told my departed human friend to get ready and be there for my cat cause he is coming. My human friend also knew him and loved cats so I would never expect anything less.

This morning my wife smelled the same smell I did even though we have the place cleaned up. The very distinct smell of wet cat food that has been mixed with water and blended. She smelled it in the bathroom AND in the living room.

Honeysuckle flowers are to my grandmother what wet cat food and water mixed together are to Salem.

How fabulous it is that your experience has been validated by your wife.

That's the thing that is really crazy, that I told my wife about it and then she smelled the same exact thing a few days later with no explanation for where the smell could have scientifically / logically came from.

Either we are both blessed with very creative minds or something strange is happening.

I really don't think It's like Salem's choice of smell per se.... I think he is using it though because it's very distinct since it's not the same as when I just open a can of cat food. So it's an amazingly unique type of smell which I would obviously associate with him since I was hand feeding him.

I lost my baby back in October because my ex vet gave her a drug that put her into 2 seizures which she never recovered from. I had to put her down that same night and ever since I've been broken. She wasnt just a dog, she was my only true best friend I ever had. I know the pain your growing through and its not easy. I cry all the time.

She has sent me signs to let me know she is still here in spirit, and even though I know one day I will see her again, its still hard.
I hope you feel better.

It seems like every day there is something new.

Last night I felt the bed press down right by my leg as if a cat placed a foot there by my leg.

.....I was unable to recreate the feeling by carefully moving my legs into the bed to see if somehow I had done it.

I get that when the grays come to visit. ;)

And I have had those very real sensations at night that I am sure is my daughter, who died in Oct. 2008, gently shaking my shoulder.  Once not long before she took her life she came into my room and climbed into bed with me and cuddled up next to me for the first time in many years.  When I feel that gentle shake now, I want to pull aside the covers and welcome her in, but she isn't there.