Hello Friends,

My heart is feeling very heavy at this moment and needed to reach out to you guys. I was writing in my journal about my son's situation and thoughts started flowing...

My son is so brave to choose to be born into this life and endure these brain lesions. (The biopsy's result have not come in yet. Maybe next week...) I do not believe my son will ever regain the movements in his left side ever again and it breaks my heart that he will be labeled "handicapped". I realize that just as he had chose this life, I have chosen to be his mother. In the spirit world when we were planning this all out, it sounded noble and grand to be a mother of a child who has brain lesions. But actually living in the moment on Earth, feeling the sorrow and pain of watching my baby boy going through all this is heart breaking. I really don't know if I have any more ounce of courage to go on and watch my son's life change so dramatically. I feel like a coward that wants to run away and not look at the reality of things. I feel I made a mistake to have volunteer to be his mother. I am not strong enough to take on this role, and that is the honest truth even though I may put on the facade that I can handle any news the doctors may give me. Inside I am dying... with every bad news they tell me about my son. Does this makes me a failure in learning what I need to learn on Earth?
The only thing that I know how to do is continue providing unconditional love to my son and try to enjoy every precious moment I have with him. Sad that I can't be like other parents and just take my kid's health for granted. I actually have to cherish every second I get with myson because he may leave me at anytime.

If any of you have any words of insight to help me find the courage to live a fulfilling life with my son, please do not hesitate to give them to me in my darkest hours...

P.S here are some pictures of my son... www.aidenngo.shutterfly.com

Thank you!
Linh

Oh, Linh, you are not a failure for struggling with these conflicting feelings. Do not lose hope. I feel very sure in telling you that you and your son will receive the support you need. Again, do not lose hope.

standing strong with you, blink

I would like to also say to you that Aiden is a very beautiful little child. Thank you for providing the photos for us all, Linh.

love, blink

Linh, there are cases where brains have healed. I have read about them, miracles happen.

we will continue to lend our support. u must never give into despair or think it's your fault.

I will remember your son and how you watch over him

Greetings,

On TV I just saw a little boy without arms who is auditionning for that TV show 'So you think you're smarter than a first grader".  His rambunctious spirit reminded me that people are much stronger than our physical stuff.

Your beautiful son, Linh, has such a steady strong gaze -- He is not frail in spirit ! And you aren't either, I bet. You may be temporarily tired and worried, but you have the spirit to carry yourself and your son on into life triumphantly! And you have support from many realms for when you do tire.

Remember how James Bond 007 often kept one hand in his pocket?  Very debonaire! "Style" is an aspect of spirit, and you and yours have it! Go for it, Lady Linh!  Help Aiden create a lifestyle where he can shine!

Love, Bets

Believe it or not, they say there is a waiting list in the Planning Center on Focus 27 for life times in which there is either physical and/or mental handicap or to be a caretaker of someone with such a handicap. It is these things that bring out our spirit and our best passion, and where we are on our growing edge with the greatest potential. For what? Pure unconditional love and forgiveness.

What beautiful pics, and such love!

Thomas

Thomas,

You stated, “Believe it or not, they say there is a waiting list in the Planning Center on Focus 27 for life times in which there is either physical and/or mental handicap or to be a caretaker of someone with such a handicap. It is these things that bring out our spirit and our best passion, and where we are on our growing edge with the greatest potential. For what? Pure unconditional love and forgiveness.”

You do not know how much this post touched my heart that tears started flowing down my cheeks. Thank you for reminding me how I need to remain strong and continue loving my son, no matter what happens to him. Some times, being on earth for too long, makes me forget the main objective of Life - to experience LOVE. It is not to seek hedonistic pleasures as majority of our society thinks...

Thank you for waking me up to the reality of why I was given this opportunity to be with this special child. I never knew there was a high demand of souls seeking to have this experience. Yes, it is an honor to be his mother and I promise to give him all the love I can while he is under my care in this lifetime.

Thanks again,
Linh

P.S. Thank you Bets, Blink, and Alysia for your words of encouragment. You guys help me stay strong on days that I just want to give up...

Linh,

You have a beautiful child.  His presence is strong in his pictures.  Children do have a healing capacity that dwarfs that of adults.  What he needs right now is for you to believe he will get better, and he needs to believe that he will get better too.  The idea that he is given this handicap deliberately is, I think possible but puts you into a universe where you are subject to the whims and direction of external forces.  Part of me rebels at the notion that we need these tests and hardships.  Part of me feels that our spiritual birthright is joy and bliss, and that we need not suffer.

See him as healed and smiling.  All of my experience with spiritual healing leads me to the idea that it must be believed, deep down both by the healer and the person with an illness.  It is not the same thing as wishing - in wishing we may deep down believe the wish will fail.  Those in christian prayer groups often talk about the healing before it happens, giving thanks to God for the healing, before it has happened, and actually laughing/smiling, getting the emotions of joy that are associated with a healing so that our subconscious mind (which I believe is connected to God) translates thought into reality.  

Some, while in meditation also appeal to God and deceased loved ones to help the situation improve for the best possible outcome for all.  Some on this board appeal to what is called our higher selves or discs, figuring that we are part of a greater whole, and that we can connect to the bigger picture while deep in meditation.

As a physician myself, I am pragmatic and practical.  While I am not saying to throw medical predictions away, I believe in the human soul, intent, the power of our own intent and the power of God and spiritual healing.  I will continue to try to focus my own efforts to assist.  It may also be a good idea to join a prayer or healing group, such as a forum that several members on the board belong to (Linn's forum).  I received amazing assistance there myself during a difficult time.  

If you want to PM me, I'd be happy to help in any way I can.  In the meantime, I will keep your son in my thoughts.

Love,

Matthew

Linh, Doc said: Children do have a healing capacity that dwarfs that of adults.
____

I felt intuitively, this is true. The reason is their bodies are still being builded, and with a pattern to follow of cell division/growth.  So in a sense what I saw, was a picture of the babe outgrowing the illness pattern, but not sure of the time frame involved. Nowdays, if you look on the internet, you will see people are doing clones, they are growing back limbs, they are growing fetuses in a test tube, all this in secret for the most part...pray for God's will..we sometimes not know what God's will is, it involves trusting that what is going to happen is for the highest good of all.

The main thing is you cannot continue to support the boy if you are busy tearing yourself about whether it was the correct decision to bear him. As Thomas said, whatever happens is going to be instrumental in his growth, and your own, you will get through this difficult period. keep coming here if you need to. we want to know what happens and help u thru it.

All I can do is to read this tread in awe and admiration. Honestly, I am speechless - which doesn't happen often to me!

Linh, you and your beautiful wee boy are in my prayers.

Love. Piero

I agree with the viewpoint that sometimes hardships benefit our growth.  I've shared this before, it is worth sharing again. One time I was shown a boat on really calm water. It got no where. I understood that this meant that waves in our life help us grow.  Last night I received the message that some difficult experiences help us develop courage and endurance. Love is the main thing our souls want to learn, but other traits are also important.

My mother who was born in the 1920's some four month premature, has went through her life as a living miracle. She was never expected to live. Fed with a eye dropper and born with with a multitude of problems. (Her mother had tried to abort her.) The Dr's broke her legs over and over in some attempt to assist her in walking. They even cut off her big toes. I thought her life had been hard. I asked her about a year ago about her life and I told her how I though she must a had a hard one. She told me that she had had a great life. Wouldn't have changed it for anything. How uninformed I was and how her words altered my ego. Who was I to think how her life was meant to be and what it would take to have fulfillment. My lesson learned from her life. Now I am so happy for her life choice and for my being able to have experienced this lifetime with her so I could learn from this so called disability. How fortunate I am.  
Joe

I took some new pictures of Aiden being home. You can see that incision for the biopsy is pretty big (10 stitches). OUCHIE!

Click at the link to see updated pictures: www.aidenngo.shutterfly.com

In addition, Aiden got really chubby from the steroid medication he was on for 5 days! Literally, he would eat a hugh bowl of food every 2 hours. Now with this shaved head, he looks like the "Little Buddha with shades" figurine (Asian people will know what I am talking about). HAHAHA

Being at home is doing wonders for Aiden. Each day, his muscles are getting stronger, again. Last night, he was able to stand and balance himself on the bed without any help. That is a big improvement from last Thursday when he couldn't even get up.

I am just very happy that one of my prayers came true - that Aiden gets to celebrate July 4th outside of the hospital bed. Daddy Nathan will be taking him swimming which will help work out on his left extremities.

Lets continue to pray for the following things:

- mild, and curable diagnosis

- after all is over, Aiden stays intact cognitively and phsyically.

Thank you, again!

Linh

Happy 4th of July,
Linh and Aiden and family!

I'm happy to pray for Aiden some more!  :)

Bets

Linh, what wonderful photos! It is thrilling to see Aiden home and resting. How adorable he is. I will keep you both in my prayers, to add to the many prayers that I know are being said for you and Aiden.

You guys are so right that without struggles there are no growth. Case in point, I was straying away from my obligations and responsibilities of being a good human being for a couple of years now. I was developing a temper with everyone, even strangers. Instead of feeling love for all, I felt irritation and annoyance for all. Just living a selfish life like all around me.

This illness have humbled me once more and have reminded me the reason I am on Earth. At this time, instead of resisting the life lesson, I am ready to sit down and take notes as to how I need to grow from this as a person, and not let my son experience this illness in vain. If anything, I can take this suffering and learn from it.

First lesson for Linh: To let go of all resentment I feel for my parents and my Ex-husband. This is not the time for us all to be fighting about petty issues. This illness should be a constant reminder of unconditional love and forgiveness as stated by Thomas (Tgeck). Even though, I cannot change my family's negativity. I can at least change my reaction towards them during this time. I am truly exhausted of holding onto the anger and resentment of not having a supportive family structure. So, this is the best time for me to let it all go, so I can have positive energy to help my son through this tough time in his life. He needs at least one positive person to help him with a speedy recovery.

Second Lesson for Linh: To not run away from my fears of lonliness. It is time for me to learn how to not depend on men for happiness. For once, I am allowing myself to feel all the horrible feelings that comes with being alone (tears, hyperventilation, depression). I am slowly learning healthier ways to cope with the lonliness. Calling my real friends and family to help me through my depression. Doing things for myself that gets me excited. Resisting to call "just any guy" to fill the void of the lonliness. <<sigh>> it is very very hard to be in this state.

So, in conclusion, my son's illness is in some way causing positive changes in my life. Indeed, it is making me grow stronger as a person. (too bad I couldn't continue living the way I was...)

Thanks for reading me vent...

Love,
Linh

So right, Linh, thank you for sharing this. Although I am in a relationship I am working on some of these issues too. The words we say to ourselves make such a difference. I am learning to encourage myself when I experience waves of debilitating emotions. Every person has weak areas, areas of vulnerability.

As long as you can courageously speak to yourself (I look in the mirror sometimes, but that is not necessary), reassuring yourself that you will continue to take excellent care of yourself and your son, those waves of feelings can subside more quickly. Of course, strong emotions eventually give way to humility and a fresh perspective, once you move through them.

You are a beautiful person! I applaud your strength!

love, blink

Linh, I'm glad to hear that things might be looking up, and that you have learned something from your current situation. Here's a hug to Aiden and you from me! *mental hug*

Hi Linh,

Re: that melancholy tone of your comment
" Indeed, it is making me grow stronger as a person. (too bad I couldn't continue living the way I was."   ;)  :'(  :-*

Sounds like abit of the past ways can still pull at you. Becoming more selfless has always been considered hard, so we have centuries of company in our struggles!  

You're doing so well ! Compare the tone of your first posts with where you are now !  Your journey teaching us all so much, and by 'all' I'm counting the folks who never post but read here, as well as those who meet you in daily life too!  
You're a gem!

Best wishes to Aiden too!

Bets

wrote on Jul 3^rd, 2008 at 5:45pm:

You are a beautiful person! I applaud your strength! love, blink

 Hi Linh, i very much second what Blink wrote in the above.  I don't know what your future holds in the specific material sense, but i know it holds spiritual growth, and to me that is a precious thing in and of itself.  

 There is something that Yeshua use to pray, which i sometimes need to remind myself of the importance of, "Not my will, but your Will be done"    So simple but so powerful, if we really try to live it and let go of our own self will.