Something that's been bothering me since I was in the 2nd grade.  I hope you guys will tell me what you think about it.  Please - no flames.

My very best friend in the whole world was killed in a motor scooter accident when we were 8 years old.  Her name was Karen and I loved her - we had the best time playing and exploring and getting into mischief together.  One weekend she was at her Uncle's home visiting with her cousin, also my dear friend, and that day they decided to ride the scooter.  Jennifer was driving and Karen was on the back.  There was a truck coming and Jennifer didn't look both ways as she pulled out of the gravel driveway and before either of them knew it, the grill of the truck was about to mow them down.  

Jennifer jumped for it and landed on the side of the road near the ditch.  Karen wasn't so lucky.  She also tried to jump for it but she didn't make it and she was run over, completely crushed.  She died at the hospital that night and I remember when my Mom woke me up on Monday morning to tell me she was gone.  I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral, I was too young.

I did something before she died that haunts me.  I was at her house one afternoon and we were running around doing whatever we were doing and I spotted a $1 bill laying on her jewelry box.  Thinking I'd be slick, I took the dollar and put it in my pocket to see how long it would take her to figure out it was gone.  And then she died.

Why did I have to take the dollar?    :-[ What a stupid thing to do.  Does she know how sorry I am?  Do you guys think she has forgiven me?  I wish I could give her the $1 back.

Dearest Kate:

No flames. You are being too harsh with yourself. You've stood in judgment of yourself and your guilt has been your own hell for this long. Let it go. Your intent at the time was not to do harm. It was mischief only. You and your group of friends had their own dynamic, which played itself out. In your time of grief, you have associated an innocent action with a tragedy. Express it as such and be done with it. She expresses no malice toward you and understands far greater than you may think.

She has tried to set your mind at ease in your dreams, but you have not forgiven yourself; thus, you carry the guilt as punishment. She says: let it go. She never stopped loving you or the others. You are still like sisters. Find relief in her expanded love for you.

[smiley=engel017.gif]
    E.

Hi Kate,

You can use your imagination to remember her and remember what it was like being 8 and being with her.  Then imagine giving the dollar back and her forgiving you or the two of you laughing about it.  Then you can even continue with the feeling and imagine telling her your feelings about her and express your sorrow over her death, etc.  The imagination is a very great tool!

:)

Kate:

You seem like too much of a sweet heart to worry about an incident like that.  Would you do it again? If not, you should be fine. My guess is that Karen has nothing but love for you. Chances are that she is light being now who doesn't need money.

Kate,

It may be more than the dollar that is bothering you. Karen was an innocent victim.  She just happened to be on the back of the scooter.  She wasn't driving.  She just happened to lay her dollar bill on the jewelry box. She didn't know a friend would take it.

It must have really stuck in your mind all this time that she simply didn't deserve what happened to her...so why was she the victim....why did it have to be her?

Perhaps a part of you wonders why you weren't the victim instead of her....because, when viewed a certain way....she represents pure innocence, no matter what the reality of the mischief that she may have instigated herself in her short life.

It is like an endless loop in your mind, no doubt.

But you aren't responsible. It was a dollar. It was there...you took it...so what.  

No friend would ever want you to suffer for such a thing, but it is so very understandable why it would bother you....forever.

Why don't you take a dollar now...light a candle to your dear friend...burn the dollar and let the smoke rise as an offering to her spirit?  Visualize your heart being freed of your guilt.

Just a little ceremony....a serious one.  Between you and her.

Know you are loved beyond your wildest imagination.

love, blink

Quote:

No flames. You are being too harsh with yourself. You've stood in judgment of yourself and your guilt has been your own hell for this long. Let it go. Your intent at the time was not to do harm. It was mischief only. You and your group of friends had their own dynamic, which played itself out. In your time of grief, you have associated an innocent action with a tragedy. Express it as such and be done with it. She expresses no malice toward you and understands far greater than you may think.

Nicely done.

:)

Much Love,

tmerc8

Other than wishing you weren't feeling guilty, she's probably laughing about the silly things little kids do.  That's why we go through being little kids...because we're going to do a lot of kind of dumb stuff, and need keepers until we learn to have adult judgment.  Little kids shouldn't be judged by adult standards.

Hi Kate-
You have confessed, done all manner of grieving and penance, and have obviously changed your ways. That's the end of the exercise. Go on with life.

To feel better, I like Blink's idea of sending the money off into hyperspace. As an alternative, ask what Karen might have done with an extra dollar or two. Perhaps a donation to a charity or religious organization? Go and donate in her name.  And while you do it, allow yourself to be open to her - to experience whatever she might send you.

PUL
d

Thank you to everyone who wrote me back.  I really needed to hear everything you all said.  

Eternal Essence, I did have a dream about her right after she passed on.  I dreamed that her coffin (she was in it) was up in the top of a big oak tree in her yard.  I was standing there staring at it, asking myself how the heck it got all the way up there.  I was also wondering if I should run and get an adult for help.  That's all I remember.

Dave, since we were so young I'm not sure but I do know that she loved animals.  Our families were big time outdoorsmen so we all shared a love for nature.  Perhaps I'll make a memorial donation to our local nature center.  I used to work there and it seems fitting.  Wonderful suggestion - thank you.

Vicky and Blink, I will try your suggestions one day this week.  Thank you very much for those ideas.  :)

Hopefully I can start feeling better about it soon.  There are always so many things you wish you had done or not done when you loose someone very close to you.

Thanks again everyone.  :)

just had to mention that baby's face is cracking me up bad! thanks Kate :)

;D

You're welcome, Alysia.  They bring me much joy and I just had to share it.