I'm new here.  My story is long and involved and i'll try to make it short and understandable.  

I went with a guy for a year and a half.  I was 17 to 18.  So was he.  We were very much in love, however our relationship was turning sour.  Meaning that we began arguing, he was cheating on me, and once, right before he died, we were violent.  The night before he died he called me.  My sister answered and I told her to tell him that I never wanted to see him again.  hmmmmmmmm...that night i had a dream that he was in a helicopter accident.  The next day,the only person that I told about the dream was my father.  The night after the dream he was killed in a jeep accident.. Of course i was devastated.

That was in Sept. 1969.  I've been married for 30 years now.  My relationship with my husband is okay.  We are making it through a hard time of his internet cyber sex addiction.  However, when I found out about 5 years ago, our relationship became violent.

During a very emotionally broken time, i got the movie "Waking the Dead" with Jennifer Connely.  God...that was my story.  It seemed like Dave was talking to me through that movie; especially through the music.  Every bit of dialouge seems like it's me and Dave.  It's sooo uncanny.  

Since then so much has happened.  I realized i didn't ever really grieve, that i did actually love him, and he me.  

Now, it keeps getting bigger.  My sister says it's dave trying to tell me something.  it just keeps getting bigger..it doesn't go away.  I feel his presence, I feel his love.  

The only reason why i'm writing this is because it seems like the place to sort of vent.  I love my husband, but i realize that God provides and shows us so much love right when we feel unloved, in the most unusual ways.  

About a week ago i was listening to the dave matthews band.  A song called "Stolen Away On 3rd and 55th".  It was like dave was talking to me through that song.

anyway, i have skepticism big time.  but it doesn't go away.

any comments will be appreciated!

Hi Peg-

It sounds as if you feel that you have unfinished business with Dave, and at the same time are blaming your self for his death by some magical transformation of your feelings, and also are blaming him for dying while you had something going for both of you.

The quick way out of all of this is to wish him love, and that he will move on into the light, rather than trying to bug you and stay attached in a manner that cannot work out in this immediate lifetime. In the next life? You can work that out later when you cross ove r with him. For this life, forgive yourself or being angry - you didn't kill him. If angry thoughts could kill we'd have run out of politicians years ago.

You have the right to love others and to move on. In fact, that may be the lesson of this life for both of you.  When you've stopped being caught up in negative emotions like fear, gult, blame, anger etc  you're going to discover that they were motivated by love - frustrated love, but love nonetheless. So love - and let go - and let him go.

d

Dave, thank you so much for your reply.  I do feel as if there was 'unfinished' business.  I'm not aware that I blame myself for his death anymore.  I did feel that way not too long ago.  

I feel as if he still loves me, and i still love him.  I don't feel guilty anymore about that 'love' feeling.  To be honest...i want to say good-bye.  I mean really say good-bye.  I would like to see him, face to face...and (as the dialouge in the movie says) have one more moment of sweetness.  

I feel his presence so often...but one side of me says it's a farce...it's my desires...etc etc....

thanks though...for your reply...it was very, very kind of you...

Dave, sorry, on more thing.  What did you mean by "rather him staying here bugging you." or something like that.  See, i want to see if what i'm feeling is really him.  this is all pretty new to me.  i mean, i haven't been open to this sort of thing, and now i am.  my sister told me the same thing about telling him to go to the light.  i did that.  i still feel him, and frankly, i like it.  thanks in advance if you reply.  

i think that by "him staying here bugging you" is a reference to him staying on earth in nonphysical form attempting to make contact with you for one reason or another.

Hi Peg,

You sound like a strong person who has lived through very much in your life. Perhaps these messages from Dave serve a purpose for you right now and you will understand better what these feelings mean as time goes on. Perhaps you are going through a kind of awakening and this is a transition period for you in which the messages are causing you to look at your world and yourself in a new light. This can happen in many ways at different times in our lives.

It seems to me that you are making new connections with yourself through fully experiencing emotions which may have been suppressed and having new realizations that are meaningful for you. I would suggest that you simply tell Dave that you know he is there when you feel his presence.

I have had many odd occurrences that seemed to be coming directly from the spirit world while transitioning into a different awareness of the "reality" of this world. I think it is good to be open to them and find out where they lead. I suspect that when you have received what you need from his presence there will be new experiences waiting for you.

love, blink

Hi Peggy,
If I havn't misread your first post, you are now having a hard time with your husband, which triggered the contact with your former, past away lover?
It doesn't need to be that Dave is hanging around you because he can't get to the light, he could also be with you to help you, as a helper or guide. Often loved ones help in times of trouble, Dave could be doing just that.
He can make his presence felt because you are thinking of him with love.

You write that him being around gives you a nice feeling and that you like it. He gives you courage and love with that, which you probably need now. Also this situation brought you on a path where you start to think about life after death or better, you are slowly introduced to the spiritual world.

I don't see it negative. You feel comfortable with him around, you start to search for answers and even post on a board about afterlife and spiritual things. To me that sounds as Dave functioning as a guide or helper to help you through difficult moments and move your thoughts from the difficult situation towards a point where you can grow and explore new things.

He doesn't sound like a "lost soul" to me.

All these replies are amazingly helpful.  I have so many questions and will post them later.  First, I just want all to know how helpful this is.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am able to have a break.  I'd like to ask some questions:  I have lost 5 diamonds in the past 5 years.  Ever since my life has been 'upset' by some conflicts. (which, by the way, God has used to truly help me!) My sister, who is very spiritually sensitive, told me that she thinks that Dave might be 'doing it" to get my attention.  She said that in the spiritual realm, those type of things mean nothing.  I agree.  I've often said outloud, "Dave, show me where my diamond is."  I had a very expensive diamond that was my grandmother's just fall out of the setting.  (no one told me that you're supposed to have the prongs checked regularly. )  This just happened three weeks ago.  It's pretty upsetting because I didn't have insurance on it.  

Well, I sort of make these 'deals' or requests of God.  "If this Dave thing is real, then I'll find my diamond."  

Two years ago, when I first saw the movie that made me think it was Dave trying to say that he loved me and he was sorry something interesting happened.  The song is "Watching the Snow Come Down".  The words were like his words to me....

"I know you feel the way I feel
though you don't want to say.
I know you feel the way I feel,
though it's not the easy way.  
I dont' want to f___ things up
I just want to love you.

Wouldn't you like to be with me watching the snow come down?"

Anyway, those are the words to the song.  Well, it was around Christmas two years ago.  I felt compelled to do a memorial ad in the paper in the town where we both lived.  It went something like this:

"thank you for loving me.  Yes, I want to be with you
watching the snow come down.  My heart understands."

I put that in on Christmas eve. On Christmas day, when we were going to that town to be with my sisters I said a prayer.  "God, if this means anything at all...You'll make it snow on Christmas."

No forecast of snow in my city nor my sisters.  I was resigned that it was all wishful thinking and that I'd have to accept that.  At 10:30 pm...my niece yelled..."Hey, it's snowing!!"  I went outside with her to see these giant, soft beautiful snowflakes fall.  They covered the car and the grass etc.  While I was standing there I truly felt as if it were a gift.  It only did that for about 15 minutes.  

Back to now:....... Last night I prayed that if Dave were really 'here', I would dream of him...I didn't.  I'm pretty sad. But even so, it seemed so real.  

Help me understand....

Sorry, one more thing...A long time ago I dreampt that I was cleaning Dave's headstone off and there was a crack in it.  I leaned on the crack as i was cleaning it, and I fell in.  It was very shallow but at the bottom I found my birth certificate.  

Right after Dave died I was 'sleeping'.  I had a 'dream' that I saw him walking over a hill on a green pature type setting.  When I woke, it wasn't as if I had been asleep.  I opened my eyes abruptly and knew I was somewhere else.  

I'll try to quit now.  Thank you for your patience.

peg wrote on Aug 8^th, 2006 at 12:48pm:

Sorry, one more thing...A long time ago I dreampt that I was cleaning Dave's headstone off and there was a crack in it.  I leaned on the crack as i was cleaning it, and I fell in.  It was very shallow but at the bottom I found my birth certificate.   Right after Dave died I was 'sleeping'.  I had a 'dream' that I saw him walking over a hill on a green pature type setting.  When I woke, it wasn't as if I had been asleep.  I opened my eyes abruptly and knew I was somewhere else.   I'll try to quit now.  Thank you for your patience.

Try not to want too much at one time. Not everytime you ask for a "proof" the proof shows up..
Your first dream is a very symbolic one. The crack in his stone, in my idea, symbolises that your vision about death is going to change and due to your birth certificate it probably will give you a new (way of) life. It's a process you're in.

The second dream doesn't sound like a dream, more like you joined him walking to his new "home".

Take your time, you'll meet the right persons on the right places to help you further when you are ready for it.

Love daan.

Daan, thank you for your reply.  What you said all makes sense to me.  I'm a very anxious person...meaning I like to know and I like to know NOW.  I might be a little bi-polar?????    :-/ however, maybe not.   :-? In any case, I am discovering, when I decided to look back with my heart and not just my head, that I truly loved Dave.  And of course that hurt, because he's not here...or is he???? 8-) I hope i'm just not chasing an illusion because of my own neediness.  Does that make sense??? Anyway, thanks again.  Every little bit helps.

Trust Love, peg.
It's a part of a bigger truth also Love.
It's been made less for the last century
but we --you, 'everyone'-- are helping to
bring it back.
bets

HI again Peg-
There are two ways in which the dead can workj with us. The first, and most common, is that after they die, they go into the light (join themselves to the Godhead) and then cvome back to our limited world to answer our desires and generally be helpful when invited. That works fine.

The other way is that they can stick around you by holding on for (literally) dear life as "attachments" to your own spiritual nature. By doing this they limit their own growth, and often become a nuisance that prompts annoying desires, drives and urges (some people begin to smoke, as one example). This is unhealthy. It occurs espoecially with loved ones in our own families, and is a state of being earthbound. This is not a healthy situation, and is quite similar to all the other entities that Bruce's books mention getting stuck in the earthbound planes. These spireits must eventually be released, even though many times they are terrified that God will eat them, or some similarly terrible thing, a sense cvalled "existential dread", since it means an ultimate terror.

If Dave has not yet made it through the transition into the light, he is still going to have problems, and he'll share them with you. Asking him to do things for you simply cements the attachment. If you truly want him around, then the way to do it is to get him into the light first. Then he can return. Otherwise, holding onto his memory, and the sense of his presence, is damaging both of you. He can't grow, and you are limited in life choices.

The only way I can suggest (at this distance from you) to see whether he's hanging around in this life is to go inside and look for him. If you can find him hanging onto your inner psyche, it would be useful to release him and send him off the God. Bruce's books give examples of rescueing souls, as do a number of other books (like the late William Baldwin's works, or even my texts on the subject) - or you can find a professional at the IARRT.com web site, or perhaps with the help of your favorite hypnotherapist (providing that they've been trained in the basics of entity depossession). I have a brief couple of paragraphs on my site as to how a hypnotist might proceed, if you're curious.

God bless you both,
d

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last 5 years.  I have prayed for peace, and I have received it, especially when I really needed it.  I am a traditional Christian I guess you would say.  I became a Christian in the Jesus movement (three years after Dave's death) and had a major "experience" with God.  I'm the doubting Thomas and apparently needed that.  But, it was sort of like I was there, on the hill or whatever when Jesus died etc.  and it all became very real to me.  That's when I decided to love Him.

I've also gotten very screwed up from dogma and legalism.  I trust God (love) that He will lead me to whatever I need to be 'healthy'.  Yet sometimes I feel that I have great ways to avoid pain.  Ex:  the pain of my marriage problems.  That's when I become confused.  You  know, the age old argument that plays over and over in one's head:  "is this me, is it my fault, am I not willing to take responsibility for this????"  Meaning when I found out about my husband's sexual addiction.  

So, when I feel especially not so close to my husband, or if we're in an unhealthy fight, I sense Dave's presence.  His presence all started to become "real" to me when my husband and I had our worst stuff....which I'll spare you from.  It was the same stuff Dave and I started getting into when he died.  After he died, I comforted myself by saying things like, "our relationship was turning pretty unhealthy.." or..."we were just addicted to each other, we didn't love each other."

Now, I carry a letter Dave wrote me after we had been going together a little while with me in my wallet.  It says:

Peg,

I've been going with you clost to five months now and I haven't regretted a second of it.  Remember when we first started going together at the bowling alley?  Well hon, I was happy then and I haven't stopped being happy since then.  Even when your dog died and we buried it, and the fight we had on the picnic with Bec and Mike.  I might have been depressed at times, but I've always been happy with you, and Peg whenever you feel disgusted with me or feel like you hate me, just read this and remember that I love you more than anything or anybody in this world and I'll never stop loving you no matter what happens to us.

                                   Love forever,
                                         Dave

Soooooooo, there you have it.  There's a song in "my" movie by Peter Gabriel that i totally relate to.  And a part of that song..."words support like bone."  When I feel unloved, i read that.  

But maybe, just by writing and talking about this to people that I don't know, (safe people), the whole thing will just fade.

Thanks for letting me ramble.......

peg wrote on Aug 9^th, 2006 at 8:57am:

Daan, thank you for your reply.  What you said all makes sense to me.  I'm a very anxious person...meaning I like to know and I like to know NOW.  I might be a little bi-polar?????    :-/ however, maybe not.   :-? In any case, I am discovering, when I decided to look back with my heart and not just my head, that I truly loved Dave.  And of course that hurt, because he's not here...or is he???? 8-) I hope i'm just not chasing an illusion because of my own neediness.  Does that make sense??? Anyway, thanks again.  Every little bit helps.

Being bipolar has some disadvantages however you have to cope with (I'm the same). How strong your belief is, the next day the sureness of the belief is gone like ice in the sun.
My belief has giant tidal waves, sometimes I know for sure that I'm on the right path, sense the persons I love which passed away and have loads of proof to boost my belief in it,
only to find myself in serious doubt about the same proofs and my belief a few days later.

If you try not to learn too much at a time and take things slowly and with security, the tidal waves are far smaller and your belief is more stable. Patience is also not a word in my vocabular, so I have to cope with the tide. I know it's there, and just like the flood, the waves don't crawl back that much as the ones before, so generally it's a progress, but more hectic as usual.

Don't panic about it, no-one has the proof of everything he wants to be sure of and every step forward is one, even if you take a step back sometimes.