remember. self retrieval about to begin of musical self.
I get an email from some guy and in real life I wonder why and he tells me he has future dreams too that come true so right away I’m curious, so we start talking. then he levels with me that my higher self had asked for help within a group setting and he was there. the group asked him would he like to work with me and he said yes that he would like to and he thought he would enjoy it. (hope this is still true, lol!) this point to be made, we are working on levels as a group we don’t remember consciously always or all the details. so things progress where B says he wants to put up me a website to announce the coming book, and the book he says will help many people. so I’m never sure about that but flattered and we make plans for the website. so then heres the music retrieval part that comes true; he suggests Enya for the music background to the site and I say wait, I have an old dusty tape around here somewhere of me singing, might be interesting to put my own music up. turns out B is very technical minded and says mail it to him. when I do, he says it’s good and produces it into a CD. meanwhile I’m just laughing about it as I need convincing that it’s good. somehow he convinces me that it is good; so I listen to it over and over to discover if it is good, meanwhile this is the beginning of the self retrieval which is gonna take many weeks. I finally find out B is the guy who slipped into my dreams 9 months ago. he’s the bandleader. listening to my own self singing I start dredging up the past and what made me start singing what I call the blues. Not want to go there. so much hurt. was the time I withdrew and became a nun. had to look at each and every failed relationship in a new light as successes, not failures which made the change in me. then we had one more bit of work to do on Alysia. this don’t even want to look at either. meanwhile he goes out and brings information to me about the book in a helpful way. then I have a powerful healing dream occur also with him in it. just some simple symbology for my brain to compute that all of us are in this together as B would put it. I find out B has studied Reiki healing methods and works it on the inner levels and that many, many work the inner levels in a healing way. Even I have worked the inner levels where I could on occassion. B, this most recent time beckoned to me from my mothers house. we were looking at that relationship of feelings I had of being unlovable that carried my whole life and I didn’t know were there. turns out whenever somebody said they loved me, I automatically thought, no you don’t. turns out this is why I perceived failed relationships happening when they were successful from another perspective. everytime I hugged somebody, I was trying to get rid of this deep sadness and that’s not love. B healed the sadness and took it as an energy into the symbol of his solar plexus, directly from my own solar plexus chakra, swished it around a bit as I watched facinated with the snake like motions with my astral vision. he held me off a bit, as I was addicted to my own grief, then we embraced again and all the sad energy was completely gone and my mouth fell open. I had thought my relationship with mom was ok now, as I had done a lot of work in that area, but apparently not quite enough. so actually it’s like two self retrievals with help of a living guide, rather than all the invisible guides I never can see clearly or know for certain if they are real. this whole story is about love, about PUL, I call it ULE in my book, undistorted love energy, but it’s the same as the PUL word. I really think it’s what each of us is composed of and this for our discovery when we get done here if not even sooner. I think we’ll understand that we are one and not separate beings.
on a more personal note I went to sleep last night thinking I can’t post this stuff, it’s like way too personal and someone will surely crush me as I’m way too crushable anyway. so I was gonna ask B’s opinion then I had a dream which shed some light on whether I should post here or not. it went like this; I was in a department store of life but all the darn clerks had left. I knew I could step up and clerk and there was a customer needed to be rang up. so I ring up one item successfully, then I lose confidence in working the cash register as it’s modern and complicated. meanwhile his items for purchase are piling up