Ryan

You know that you are loved and admired on this forum.  If you need to cry it is good that you can do this with your friends and family here on the forum.

Please know that you are in my heart and prayers.  Email me anytime you like - I am always here for you.

Love
Irene

Funerals are ment to do that to ya mate. It was when they played the music at my nans, was the time i really had to keep my emotions in check.

You need to be strong for the people around you, im sure his mother and farther are probley in a worse state then you are my friend.

Your cousin made his choice, you ar'nt responsible for what happened, all you can do his honor is memory, the people he cared about and what he stood for.

All i can say to make you feel better, is that time truely heals all wounds.

Take care mate
-Spitfire-

Grief stems from our feelings of loss - permanent loss.  Hamlet looking at Yorick's skull.  How many times had he carried him on his back, that court jester.   The sense of permanent loss is horrible.

If death is not permanent cessation of consciousness, and if the soul goes on, then there is no permanent loss, and our grief should be tempered by that.  It is all about what we believe.  So it is most difficult if a funeral reinforces that the person is gone forever and at rest.

Ryan, I hope you feel better soon.

Matthew

Ryan,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly how you feel - I`ve been there, having lost my wife after 40 years of a happy marriage. All the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal and it is a process you have to go through.
I would recommend you see a bereavement counsellor on a one to one basis or join a group if you can. It worked wonders for me and eventually all the anger, hate, frustration, lack of understanding, etc., gradually disappeared.

Funerals should be a celebration of that persons life (no matter how short their time on earth) and not something to be gloomy over. You never get used to the loss of that loved one, you just learn to live with the loss.

Try to think about all the good times and things you shared rather than dwelling on what you are currently thinking. I wish I knew then (when my wife passed) what I do now - my outlook would have been totally different.

God be with you.
Best wishes,
roger :)

Thankyou everyone It does mean so much but I gotta say:

paranoid Android... I do know who you are im glad :), you dont need to ask to reply, thankyou, its ok to be sad I agree but its just my situation, its so hard to explain, I'm sure you would I fi did explain but its so long, I thankyou and hear what you say, its just really hard...

Spitfire: His mum and dad are in such a worse state compared to mine in makes me sad even more, so sad I would hate to actually understand just a little of what they are going through. I know you say he made his choice but I don't think this was...maybe...i dunno...it just doesn't seem right... plus that cheeky git who made everyone laugh with his cheecky comments yet he got away with them because he had theat smile and playness and twinkle in his eye. He was a great guy, a great cousin, he was so much and I honestly think there could of been so much for him.... (part 1 or my sadness). Thankyou for the reply.

DocM: Thankyou, I once again agree with what your saying and I find this the hardest... I believe he lives on...but then I don't, I have no proof, and i hate to bring this to the forum with recent events, all I know is no, here, in this time, me, his dad, his mum, cousins, younger brother, friends are never ever ever going to see him again, and that again makes me want to just cry, just that one reason alone...there are so many others..

Roger: Thankyou also for replying. I know this is nothing of what you must of gone through I am very sorry to hear so I can only apoligize at how pathetic this seems since I only knew the guy a little bit. Once again I can't see a counsellor for the situation I am in, Who I am.....I dunno whether it would do me good or not but thankyou anyway.

And yes I did try to celebrate in a way, but again the loss, and then everyone crying it got to me. I hate to say it and I never will say to anyone outside here I have broken down (and not just about the funeral) .... and thats not feeling today, this has gone on many weeks, i know its not just emotional related from today....

But I will think of the good times and this makes me happy for a a few seconds and if thats all I can do, thats all Im gonna do because If he is up there I would like to imagine him laughing at me laughing at him lol....

This changes nothing but you guys have made me feel a bit happier for this moment, and I am truly grateful to everyone of you.

Ryan

P.S: Blankpanther I sent you a PM, thanx for being there also, like I said in my PM i am truly grateful.

Thankyou friends.....speak to you when i return soon.... sorry for anyone who posts and I dont reply for a while.... theres something I need to do....

speak to you all soon

ryan

Ryan:

I don't know the person you're talking about, but considering how you speak of him, he sounds like he was a wonderful person. Now he's wonderful spirit, has moved on to a wonderful place, and is having a marvelous time.

Everbody who's sad because of his absence, now has an opportunity to find where love comes from.

I'm sorry about your loss.  Bringing it here seems very appropriate actually.  I personally don't think it matters that much at this early stage of grief what a person believes about the afterlife.  The sorrow a person feels is for the physical presence and personality being gone forever from their own physical presence.  We may see our loved ones in the afterlife, but we'll never ever see them again as they were from our physical perspective as we are now.  This is loss and it's very real, and I agree with Roger that a person never completely gets over it, but learns to deal.  Late at night, or early in the morning when your mind is vulnerable, fill it with the good thoughts rather than the bad.

I certainly understand the survivor guilt feeling about "should be me instead...."  There's a great line, among many, in LOTR by JRR Tolkein, of course by Gandalf, something like: "...Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends..."  While in the story it applies to one wishing to kill another, the meaning applies many ways, because we can't see all ends, nor can we determine the non-physical reason a person's time has or has not come.

Another one that gives me comfort, and the best quote of the whole trilogy in my opinion, again by Gandalf regarding death and afterlife:

"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path. One that we all must take.  The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it.  White shores. And beyond, the far green country, under a swift sunrise."

Take care.  

Im sorry to hear about your loss Ryan.  I would not wish that kind of experience on my worst enemy.

I don't want to sound at all patronising as Im sure what im about to say you know and feel anyway but I am very sure that he is having a good timne in the spirit world whilst watching over the family.

I believe it is true what the spiritualists say as shortly after my nan's funeral two years ago many of my relatives saw her in spirit form.  Im am 100% sure he is not away from you all and is watching over you.

That Gandalf speech is amazing too, Tolkien was also a huge believer of the paranormal, so that is probabvly where he got the idea for that brilliant speech!  ;)

Ryan, please do PM me too, anytime you need to.  

You will have strong times, and then you'll have weak times.  And that's perfectly normal.  You don't have to be just one way or the other.  

Funerals are this way.  They bring out emotions you didn't know you had.  But please don't feel like you wish it was you.  You know that that is not the way it was meant to be.  

We are all here for you Ryan, anytime you need to talk and have someone just listen.  But you know we will respond.  You are very cared for here!

Love, Vicky

Ryan,

This came to mind after my earlier posting, which you might find of great comfort:-

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Life means all that it ever meant.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity....
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight.
I am waiting for you.....
for an interval....
somewhere near,
just around the corner.

All is well.

**************************
Henry Scott Holland


Roger :)

Ryan,

While it is absolutely untrue that time heals all wounds, you, and many others, have two precious gifts from him: Love and learning, the only two things we can take with us when we pass. His life (and death) were, therefore, not in vain regardless of his age.

While your memory of him will no doubt be bittersweet, you know better than most that he is ok. Hopefully one day you will be able to reflect optimistically on his memory knowing that you two will be back together.

In the meantime, I also am here for you if you would like to chat.

with Love,
Bob

Time does heal all wounds, maybe not 1 lifetime. But if we are eternal worse things will happen and then the last bad thing wont be as bad and if enough time pass's you will find it but a spec on an ocean.

Ryan,

We don't know each other, but I feel your pain and I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of both you and your cousin's family, sending strength and love in their direction.

Death is never an easy thing for those left behind, so to speak.  I think the hardest thing I had to go through was holding the hand of someone I loved as we took her off life support and watched her die in front of me.  I cried a lot, even though I knew within myself that there was an afterlife that she was going to.

However, one of the things that got me by (and hopefully will help you) is knowing that now, you can be one of the ONLY people in your family that can learn to make conscious contact with your cousin, and continue to communicate and pass on messages to others.  Grief can be infectious, but I'm sure as time passes on, things will get easier and your mind will be more clear to establish a contact with your cousin on the other side.

With love,
- Jeff

Rough one, Ryan. No doubt about it...
I had a cousin commit suicide a few months
ago, but I didn't know him like you knew
your cousin... so I guess I'm not qualified
to say I understand how you feel, because
I'd be lying if I did.
All I can say is, trust your intuition which is
telling you that at least he isn't suffering...
just as in my heart, I can't honestly picture MY cousin being made to suffer for choice he made.
(If he IS being made to suffer, what sort of lame, vindictive,
Mickey Mouse "god" runs this universe anyway..?)
Hope that helped,

B-man

Dear Ryan,

Sending you love and light, and to your cousin, and family to help ease you all through this. Wish I could give you a true hug. You are loved.

As I've been told, one way to get through such times, is to rememer to breath. (I'm sorry if that sounds trite...but long deep breaths help the body, physically helps with the feelings.)

Love, Carolyn

Ryan,
we finally must state when we don't know why that it isn't in our hands. It isn't all in our minds what's going on and we can't control it. I get angry about what's about it all and why do I not know at least once a day. In the end I have to let it go saying "I don't know, and I am not responsible for what I don't know. Maybe I will know once in the future and all weird and or sad parts of life will form a picture that makes sense, even the >don't know< part."

Often, when I hear of desasters or am anxious that I will experience one personally, I think we will all die some day. It's not cynical, it really gives me some relief as I can see in a bigger perspective then, life is precious but it will remain precious even when it's over. All pain concerning our bodies or related limitations will be gone if we wish to.

And it's always a stumble stone for our gathered knowledge and belief systems when it comes to a hard challenge, when one near to us is taken away, what is and how strong is our faith? Who are we really and where do we stand? Do we feel lost and alone or feel we accompanied and there is hope?

All we write here may sound too intellectual and far away from your situation. I only wish to express that I care for you, and wish that even if we can't answer "why", that we try to help and maybe there is at least one little thing in it that makes you see some little light, that maybe can help you to come over it with time. You're a nice guy and very deep and honest with other people, yourself and emotions. So there are big challenges for you too, and I wish that you can handle them and that you can despite of those deep challenges stay positive.
All the best for you.
Spooky

I just got a very strange pm from Ryan and because I care about him I'm asking everyone to use their imagination what message he just sent me that I would not be able to put up here.

so with that if you all could send just one healing thought to his way, or if you pray, please offer a little prayer, because I know about the power that is there in a group when they all put their mind together on this. I pray he comes back to post. thank you so much wherever you are.
love, alysia

Ryan,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I wish I could take the pain away.  I know all to well that we all go through this pain.  It doesn't make you feel any better.  I know it doesn't me.  

I too still wish I knew why.  I have asked and asked.  

I don't know if any of us who lost someone we loved ever get through the pain.  I do know that everyone here will help you in any way they can.  Please pm if you need to talk to someone who has recently sufferred a loss.  

((((HUGS)))

EileenY

Thats the problem.  
Did you expect the person to live forever? How come there is so much tragedy in death? So much pain?
Ive felt that.

Did you ever ask, why is that its painful emotionaly?

what are the beliefs that are held about death?

think about it...

Hi,

I am ok now, and getting better. Everything just came on top of me over the past few weeks, the death and loads of other things. Thankyou all very much for the replies and support, it means a lot and I am very grateful.

Ryan

Hey Ryan,

So very pleased to see you back and that you are now feeling much better.
Please remember - speak to your higher self (not the lower) and it will help you to progress forward.

best wishes, roger :)

One of the universal truths, I figure, is that death really sucks.

You can tell yourself that you're prepared as anything, you can study the topic for years and years and years and convince yourself that whatever happens, you'll be fine, and then someone close to you dies and it all goes out the window. But hey, no one can prepare for that, right?

The only thing we have to do is muddle through the grief the best we can, with people around us who can help us pull ourselves up. That's all. But if you can get through it, it'll make you stronger.

I'm sorry about your loss.

Ryan,

It is a new year for all of us, a new year which will bring unexpected experiences for each of us which we cannot begin to guess right now.

It is a measure of the strength in your heart, Ryan, that you have felt such pain -- this death must have opened a door in you to what you were ready to suffer and experience, or else you would have kept that door shut and felt as little as possible.

Life always brings new things to us, new opportunities to love and learn. Pain can be part of life but there is always a place we can reach when we move through it, and I wish that peace for you.

love, blink

Ryan

Bless your heart.....xxxxx

Ryan,

Your presence is a breath of fresh air. Thanks for being here! It's quite ok to be human.

Love, Carolyn

hey everyone,

I can't believe all the support you guys gave me, I am truly grateful. I am feeling better and back now. Its a bit late but Happy New Years. New year, new start. Once again thankyou to everyone here, it means a lot.

Ryan