A cousin, well step cousin past away day before yesterday. He died in a car crash, his car ended up on his roof and I'm sure it was quick. A friend following came round the corner to all the shattered peices across the road in a cover of dust, he relised what had happened and slammed on the brakes but still hit his best friends, my cousins car, his car ended up on its roof also but he managed to get out before falling over from shock and not relising what was going on untill the paramedics where there taking him away, he wanted to see my cousin but they said he couldn't....my cousin wasn't in a good state, already dead, (believed to be killed straight away) but in a mess.

I cannot come to terms...cannot accept this has happened....i hardly spoke to him, we got on well but were never friends purly on who we were but still you know....how can it be this person isn't here anymore? everything i believe in on here cannot help with this...i can't come round to it...i only saw him the day before in his car at the shop, he was well loved and I visited today the scene, flowers lay there covering the side of the road, pictures of him, how can it be he isn't here? this person who was 2 days ago walking, breathing, laughing enjoying life not be here, taken away, he has so much going on, how can this person not be walking. Its not real, i can't believe that this person is not here, this person is dead, lifeless in their physical body, is no more here.

I feel so much for his dad and it makes me cry, they fell out, he was kicked out the house, yet a couple of days before they were going to meet up this very weekend to sort everything out which they would have done. He wrote his dad a letter saying he wants to come work with him, he loves him deep down no matter what has been said.....yet hes not here this weekend... he was meant to ring my cousin that night to sort out going on tonight...the weekend before a few people told him to stop pushing the driving too far as it would all end in tears....

how can a person exsist and suddenly not here...i cant begin to accept, understand, relise, i saw a picture today at the roadside of him standing there smiling....yet hes not here, hes not gonna walk in the pub like he usually does every saturday, hes not going to be cracking his jokes he does...how can a person be taken away.

I am only his half cousin, we didn't really become friends but i cannot accept this, he can't really be dead is all im thinking but i know he is. A few mates and me and my cousins went round my cousins flat and sat in the lounge laughing and crying together over some beers remembering him, its all so surreal, and wrong.

i don't really know what i wanted out of this post, but how ya do it? how do you come to terms, accept, relise this person actually isn't here, all these un opened issues which are going to be haunting his dad and my auntie. i have tears in my eyes now...i just cant accept this. And it doesn't matter whether or not i believe hes over the other side looking down....it isn't real here, i dont know what to say or do.

yet without being cruel to him i hope the day never comes where someone who is really really close to me passes, maybe because he was taken the way he was it is hard....still when a person real close goes and i can't imagine how you can cope. I was young when my grandad died so although sad could'nt comprehend what i do today.

its just so wrong, it cannot be happening, this person here we will never see again...ever...and i cannot accept this at all or begin too.

What are you suppose to do???

Hey Chili,

         I don't know what you're supposed to do.  I had one friend die, we all knew it was gonna happen, we talked to him in the hospital and then he left to die at home... we all had a wake the next day, his body still there (he had left instructions that it be left undisturbed for 24 hours) the wake was a rememberance, telling stories over dinner, it turned into a party, sometimes one by one we'd go sit in the bedroom with the body.... That was an easy death to come to terms with.

         Another friend died suddenly, shot himself, I could not come to grips, here one day and now...not there?  I went through tears and anger, mainly disbelief, none of us could come to grip, his friends, sister and mom, we all were in shock... It took a long time for things to shift, what I felt about that death..

        I am so sorry for your loss. Right now, what you are doing is probably just what you need to do. (meeting with your mates, reaching out here etc.) After some time (knowing you) you'll  instinctively do other things.

       Others here will offer good suggestions. I feel almost like i'm in your shoes, speechless and at a loss to say anything to make meaning out of it.

           Much Love, Tim



       

       

       

Chilipepperflea,

I'm sure you know you can research the grief process on the internet.   But let me share some thoughts about the first step--a good funeral.   I've occasionally been present at the moment of death and have performed many funerals.   A good funeral is one that properly celebrates the life of the deceased.  Ministers who instead preach an impersonal sermon on our mortality do not facilitate the grieving process.    A proper celebration does not try to portray the deceased as more saintly than he was, but tries to create a multi-faceted portrait that can release the survivors' memories.   The minister selected must be willing to discreetly function as a reporter during and/or prior to calling hours to ensure that he has sufficient material.   Humorous anecdotes about the deceased are often the most cathartic because they break the tension created by the solemnities and release the loved ones' affection in a powerful way.

The presiding minister should leave time for family members and close friends to publicly share their reflections on the deceased.   Many will rebel at this suggestion on the grounds that this will be too hard for them emotionally.   A good way around this problem is to offer this strategy: the minister plans to open the floor to spontaneous or planned sharing.   The loved ones should be encouraged to plan what they might say, but should be assured that they won't be called upon.  This escape clause takes the pressure off.   In my experience, people find an unexpected courage in the spontaneity of the moment that would elude them, if they were pressured to make a speech commitment.   If loved ones find themselves able to publicly eulogize the deceased, this can be enormously helpful in facilitating a healthy grief process.  

Finally, it is important to attend the brief graveside service, and not just the funeral service.   This helps bring a healing finality to what has happened and minimizes the later pain of denial.  You might thnk of discussing these issues with family members and with whoever presides over the funeral service.  At the very least, if you can find the strength to publicly share warm reflections, you will aid our own healing process.

In my view, if father and son were frustrated in a planned effort at reconciliation, this makes it more likely that the son will communicate with his Dad from beyond the grave.  Remember, 50% of Americans report such postmorten contact within the first year of the death.

God bless you,
Don

Ryan, I am so sorry to hear this.  Death is always so hard for anyone to deal with, and I don't think it ever gets easier, whether you are very close or not.  Because when we have to deal directly with death it turns our whole world upside down.  It brings the reality of our own death one day right into our face, and that's not something we like to think about.  My advice is to talk with your family and friends as much as possible the next couple weeks, and make extra time to be with them and to talk.  Don't get too busy and caught up with regular life if you can help it.  I just think it is important to deal with feelings now rather than to brush them aside.  So it's good you can have a drink and cry and laugh with a friend.  

Love Vicky

Hi Ryan, it's ok to go thru the stages of grieving when someone just checks out, sometimes not even bothering to say goodbye. I thought since I was hip on spirits, had talked with them, interacted, I could deal with my husbands sudden departure..not so; nothing effects us so much as death does and even knowing theres an afterlife, we dont escape the homework that must be done thru the grief process.
Mike and I had agreed to meet out there, whichever one of us went first, so my grief was somewhat salved by this; and after I got over my initial outburst to meet with him out there, I told him I'd remember only the love, the good times..I'd get to the gratitude. I had him 11 years in my life. that was something to be happy about.
even after that initial meeting I still stuffed the grief, still had to go thru it just like any other widow. all my knowledge seemed like for nothing to know what I knew. he had to come back one more time just to unplug me from it..thats what I call love. but I guess I had to take some of the credit...one has to be open and willing and able from both sides to make contact. it was all about love in the end; each of us doing only what was best for the other person. it was best for him he told me if I would get over the pain because he was tied to that pain..thinking maybe he caused it..he didn't cause the pain, once I told him, you did nothing wrong by dying and I can stand by you by living. I only want to do this for you, he asked me to smile, thats all; I nearly broke me durn face to smile..for him..not for me. he was my soul mate. its always about love that goes between two people, that will not die. I
am sure your cousin gained something in this life to take home with him and from what spirits have told me, they need us to think on the love, the positive side of it, as that helps them feel good about themselves, whatever their next task or project is, they still think about us here and ways to break thru the veil.  send love, they will appreciate all hopeful and loving thoughts.

Hello Ryan,

I am so very sorry and I know how numb you must feel, how shocked and in such disbelief. Each death in my family has been that way.  There is something about losing one of your own family that is just unbelievably shocking. No matter what, you are never quite prepared for it.

When a stepcousin I never even talked to died of a sudden illness at only 30 years of age I felt a profound sense of loss for everything we never knew of each other and all we would never have together in this lifetime.

I am so very very sorry that you and your family have had to witness such a violent and unexpected death. It is much harder on all of you than it was for your cousin.

How to cope?  Just by feeling the extremes of the emotions that you have been feeling and sharing it all with others you are coping.

My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope that each of you finds the comfort you need. Be there for each other.

blink

Don,

Your post was thoughtful and helpful.  I hope it helped Ryan.  Ryan, I can't say I have any answers here.  Only that our minds can never figure out the "whys"  or "what ifs" at times like this.

I think a key point in Don's post is that friends and family come to terms with grief.  For the dead, there is no grief - it is we living who cry.  Yet our spirits respond, slowly heal and come to terms with this unpredictable life and death of ours and our family/friends.

Condolences,

Matthew

Dear Ryan,

My heart goes out to you in the loss of your cousin.  As the others have said, you are doing exactly what you need to do by allowing yourself to feel the whole range of emotions that arise when something like this happens. As you and your family talk and cry together things will gradually fall into perspective for all of you.

My brother suddenly died at the age of 19 so I know how hard it is to lose someone at such a young age. It will get better and with your astral traveling abilities I would think the two of you may meet up one of these days as well.

Much love to you and your family Ryan.
Kathy

Dear Ryan

I agree entirely with what Kathy said.  My heart goes out to you.  You are a strong wise person and no doubt with your astral travelling you will have some contact with your cousin which will help ease your pain and grief.  

Much love to you.

Irene

 Hi Ryan,

 Just wanted to say i'm here for you, and i know what its like..  Don't repress...feel it, otherwise it will come back worse.

 Hope you feel better

Dear Ryan,

I am so sorry to hear about this. After the shock wears off, go ahead and grieve as it's a worthwhile process.  And I'm sure that someday you will contact him, when the time is right.

With Love,
Mairlyn

Ryan,

My heart grieves with you.

with Love,
Bob

This sounds kind of like what happened with
me a couple months ago, with my cousin who
shot himself.
I didn't know him very well either, seen him only
twice in my life... but it still sucked big time.
He'd just been booted out of his house too, by
his wife... so he was in an emotional morass,
maybe sort of like your step-cousin was...
(Forgive me, for comparing your loss to mine
though - mine was a suicide after all.)
But you know, something funny happened a
couple weeks later. I was drinking in my car,
and I said, "This one's for you, Pat", then I
cracked the beer and started drinking it.
Right away, my seatbelt (I didn't have it on)
slid down audibly. Half-drunk, I asked, "was that
you, Pat?"
The seatbelt slid back up to its original position,
again audibly.
I checked that seatbelt, and there was TENSION
on it, I had to PULL it to make it slide down again.
I'm not saying I believe anything "spooky"
happened here. (Personally, I'm not sure I WANT
for it to have been anything but a coincidence...)
But that's what happened. Who knows what it
means? ANYTHING is possible.
Maybe there's something to "pouring a 40-ounce on your homey's grave"..?
I had some of the people here try to contact
him, and you know... there wasn't much that
I'd find convincing that they told me, but they
didn't tell me anything UN-convincing either...
Anyway, good luck Chili, and sorry for your loss.

B-man

Sorry to hear about this Ryan...I know it's no fun. The last funeral I went to, I was phyically and mentally Ill/depressed for a few weeks. I don't ever wanna have that happen agian...

  Man..B-Man, more and more i'm beginning to think you're a closet Mystic :o  ;) (sshhh don't worry, i won't tell anyone...). ;D

 Hi Ryan, hope you don't mind me making a joke on this thread (i know you appreciate humor), i'm not making light of your pain...  I watched my best friend and Mother battle with cancer for 4 long years when i was in my teens, and i very much know how much death seems unbelievably final, and unyielding...   I was pretty numb for awhile, and didn't seem to care all that much and chalked it up being completely detached towards death because of my spiritual beliefs, and thinking grief was selfish anyways...   Well, it was repressed big time, and a year later it hit me, and hit me hard...  If you ever need anyone to talk to, just p.m me ok...  Crying is good, hitting a punching bag, or even just a lot of warm hugs...and poetry..poetry big time brother, helped me out a lot.

 Much Love and much hope/faith in your healing

Hi Ryan,

I have really enjoyed reading your posts and geez, I am so sorry to hear this news.  You have a lot of good friends here on this forum who care about you.  Draw strength from this because I have found that this is truly a powerful force.  All the best to you.

Don-

Your post reminded me of something I've wanted to discuss.  Namely, that most contacts with a deceased loved one tend to occur within the first year of death.

I've heard it said that as a loved one gradually withdraws, our contacts begin to diminish or disappear entirely.  I believe that to be true.

But that raises two questions.  One, how do we explain those mediums, like John Edward, who seem to be able to contact deceased folks with little or no problem?  Do you really think the mediums are contacting long dead relatives, or do you think they are using the "cold calling" technique, where they toss out a bunch of information until sooner or later they get a hit, and then build on the hit?  I find when I tape one of their appearances and then play it back, it seems far less believable.

The second question is this- is it possible that the reason contacts diminish after a year or so is because the contacts that we think we had were not really from our deceased loved one but from ourselves instead?  

Here's an example.  Many people report that they detect a fragrance that reminds them of the same perfume or cologne that their loved one used to use.  And they conclude that it must be a sign that their loved one is close by.

But we also know that odors are one of the most powerful stimulants in terms of reminding us of past events.  A smell of cedar can take us back years in the past when we received a cedar chest as a wedding present.  And there are countless other examples.  

When a loved one first dies, our thoughts are filled with them.  How do we know that our own brain isn't cooperating with our thoughts and memories, and producing for us the very fragrances that we associate with them?  Our brain is still not understood by modern medicine....maybe it's we ourselves that are generating the odors, and not our loved one at all.  That would also explain why such things tend to go away after a year, not because our loved one has gone to higher dimensions, but because the strength of our own memory starts to fade and along with it the fragrances fade as well.

I realize odors are just one example, but it strikes me that they may also be the best example of our brain fooling our selves.  There very well be many more.

hey ryan,
      first of all i am sooo very very sorry fro your loss. Its probsbly so confusing to you right now or maybe it hasnt hit you. there is not right or wrong way to grieve. sometimes i keep telling myself that tim dying never happened and hell call me r=the next day i guess i was in denial. as of now its has hit me a little more and its hit hard and its ok to cry even if you feel confused. i just want you to know im here for you a 100% and were all so sorry for your loss
             take care hun

((((((((RYAN))))))))

I am so sorry.  I wish I had words of wisdom.  My husband died a month ago on Monday.  Feeling confused, angry and disbelief are part of this journey.  

Pleae know that I am here for you.  Be gentle with yourself.

EileenY

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to say thankyou so much for all the messages of support, really does mean a lot for me. At the moment the funeral doesn't look likely till after chirstmas as they are trying to figure out how it happened.

Well thank you again and I will always be here with my support for all you lot as well like you have for me, i am truly grateful, thankyou

Ryan

Hey everyone,

I feel I really didn't say thankyou as much as i meant it, or rather put that into words, i never can but i guess you all know that anyway, words can only express so much....

Its funny you hear about death in the papers, in the news, even on here, and it does affect you, it really does me but not as much, i dunno i guess what I am saying is that untill it directly affects you you never really understand...and I feel bad in a way as i have been here through some of your losses, some i regret i didn't read till a while after so i really want to say sorry for not being there as much as you guys have me, makes me feel selfish in a way, but through ignorance, not of my own choice i really did care, just didn't understand.

I lost my grandad when i was younger but it never affected me in this way because i couldn't understand, or try. Well my cousin isn't going to be released till after christmas, so a funeral is long off as yet, its still unclear how he ended up under the car, something about a glass roof, i dunno, still a blessing is that it seems he past almost instantly. From what I heard as he lies there now he still has his same cheeky grin face so maybe he didn't know, i wish he had a chance but I'm glad he past quick. Family have the chance to see his body soon, even though not blood me and my blood cousins i think are going together...I'm not sure whether I want to but like I said I still can't accept it.

So I want to thankyou all, Tim, Don, Vicky, Alysia, Blink, Matthew, Kathy, Irene, Justin, Marilyn, Bob, Chumley, Black_Napkins, ap, Rondele, Lydia and EileenY. I know some of you have had even greater losses and i really feel for you and my support is here.

Ap said I have a lot of good friends on here that care for me, and i knew this but can see it so much now, I am so glad I have met all of you and hope one day i can be of service to you as you have helped me.

thankyou everyone

Ryan

hey Ryan,
i'm so sorry, but you can't forget that only his phisical body is dead and you cousine is still alive somewere on the other side.
when my granddad died a few years ago i also couldn't accept that, first it was strange that when i was visiting my grandmum he wasn't there as well. some time later it became less and less strange. now it's normal for me that i can't visit him or talk with him, but i still can't imagine that he's dead. after 5 years i still feel like he would be alive, his death is so unreal...

Ania

My grandma passed away a few weeks ago, and it was more the distress of everyone else that got me down.

i would think to yourself, what could i do to honour the wish's of the person who had passed?

i think the greatest thing we/you can do is to,

Take care of the things which were precious to your cousin, such as his close family etc.

and honour his memory, get something, or do something which keeps you in his memory's for a few minutes each day.

I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head, Spitfire.

Cherishing memories, taking care of each other.  That would be the thing to do.

blink

Spitfire is a man of great wisdom!

A few things I can never understand about the whole stigma that surrounds death is this:

1) Deep down we all know that Death is not the end of our existence

2) I wish ppl would not be so sad as I believe they will see the deceased person again, of that I am absolutely sure.

3) There is an overwhelming body of hard physical evidence that proves the existence of the afterlife.  I dont believe that mediums use cold calling as the mediums who ive encountered do NO such thing.

Jambo :P