***Warning: Long post***

Hello,

Some might remember me… I posted on this board around December with a rather suicidal mindset and disappeared soon after.  A lot has happened since then – a lot of darkness that has turned my world completely upside down, yet I remain here on Earth, seemingly kept here by some unseen force.    

Backtracking:  In my December post I spoke of being stricken with a neurological disease and my intentions to end my own life – which were startlingly very real, for the first time.  After a few supportive e-mails I thought it over, and decided not to do anything – but I kept it in my mind.  

At the time when this dark cloud invaded my mind, I was living with four other people in a house I found through a real estate agent.  We moved in during September.  At that point in time I had a habit of smoking pot on a weekly basis.  After the roommates were finalized, one of them (We’ll call her Emily)  announced that no illegal activity should be going on within the house due to her working with the police (while studying forensics).

afterwards, while outside, I mentioned my illegal habit to her.  She simply voiced her opinion that marijuana should be legalized and that if I were to be caught with anything, she would claim not to know anything about it.  I blindly misinterpreted this and swept her previous comment under my own mental rug.  I was smoking pot in the house, soon after I had moved in.  She knew about it while it was going on, and we continued to have our friendly, everyday interactions and chit-chat.  She never confronted me about it.  

A few weeks after everyone was pretty much settled in, I took psilocybin mushrooms with my dinner – note, this is not something I have done on a regular basis.  As my walls appeared to liquify I turned on my streaming internet radio station and lit a joint – a few minutes after the smoke fanned through my bedroom and out of my window,  I heard a voice full of fury downstairs,  outside.  It was Emily, exclaiming that "He’s been smoking in the house!  You don’t SMOKE IN THE HOUSE!"  I couldn’t make out everything that she was saying, but she was indeed angry.  After hearing a lot of her rant, I confronted her about the situation by calling her from my bedroom at the top floor.  She pretended not to know what was going on.  I suddenly got a taste of "two-faced syndrome" and went about my business, confused but basically accepting it .  I heard more hyper-speed ranting while I was in my bedroom.  As I left my bedroom began to walk down the stairs, the ranting came to a complete end – on and off, just like a machine.        

What was different about this evening is that a police friend of hers was coming over.  I still don’t understand why she couldn’t tell me to immediately stop it before this happened.  I would have, but she could never confront me about such things – and I learned this much later on.  When I confronted my roommates about this issue, they pretended not to know what was going on.  Everyone was being odd, and I continued to smoke in the house, just now with my windows down.  When I realized that Emily seemed incapable of ever confronting me about this, I began to do it outside, away from the house.  It was too late at that point – I was in trouble.  I never realized how much trouble I’d be in, though.

Looking back on it, I acknowledge what an idiot I was for my impulsive actions , and how selfish I was.  

As we continued to live together, things started to bug me about Emily.  She seemed ferociously obsessed with law, what is considered "normal" and lying/manipulation and intellectual puppetry.  Megalomaniac behavior.  I felt she was bipolar as well due to some blatant symptoms of the illness.  When she came up to my room to talk, she’d scan it like a robot.  She had the mind of a machine, seemed to hate her emotions, and overall I just felt weird around her after a while.  Despite all of her good efforts, she began to despise me.  The fact that I liked being alone soon and kept to myself became an issue.  I soon felt like I was being watched because eof my actions.  Not because of paranoia – because of picking up on odd things… patterns.  When we had first moved in, she repeated something totally off-the-cuff that I had said ELSEWHERE at an entirely different time, before we even lived together – she repeated this thing nearly verbatim.  I simply brushed it off as a coincidence.  She’d later make comments on things I did in my room – but change them so that she was talking about friends of hers.  When I became suicidal (and did not reveal this to ANY of my roommates), she walked up to me while fussing about something trivial, saying that "I could just KILL myself."  Once, after leaving the house to attend a birthday party, I found myself instantly surrounded by about 8 police cars.  It was synchronized driving, and they soon dispersed after they thought they instilled enough fear in me… who knows.  

When I declared I was moving out in February (I had no lease), she became enraged.  As I told a roommate in the kitchen that I was leaving specifically because of Emily, a door slammed violently downstairs.  How could she have heard me talking upstairs at such a low volume?

After placing an ad online, somebody contacted me at work – I looked at the place and signed a lease.  Moved in, everything seemed okay.  The owner of the house, who didn’t live there, said he didn’t care if I smoke marijuana in his property.  In that house lived four young males – I met them briefly as I came to view the house… one of them, oddly enough, didn’t say hello when I loudly greeted him – he walked past me with a curious, kind of creepy smile frozen his face.  On the first evening of moving in, one of the roommates kept sniffing around me.  It was very odd.  I thought nothing of it and unpacked things/cleaned my new bathroom.

Later that evening, I took psilocybin mushrooms – not because I was addicted to them, but to essentially "make up" for the last time, which was ruined.  When I’d take those, it was a ritualistic sort of event, unlike having a glass of wine or smoking a joint.  Looking back on it, I realize I shouldn’t have been such a submissive to my limbic system, but I tended to not think ahead and failed to see a big issue of doing something like that in the privacy of my own room – even IF I had just moved into the new place.    

What followed is an unraveling of reality.  What is REAL and that so many people do not see.  

A couple of hours after ingesting the psilocybin, I heard chatting from upstairs – my basement room being directly under  a roommate’s bedroom.  It was a conversation between that roommate, and a female – who I figured was a girlfriend.  As my hearing ability increased, the female voice became more recognizable to me.  It was Emily, and she was talking about what I’d do next.  "He’s going to smoke."  I completely froze as my heart nearly exploded.  What was going on?  What followed was an unreal feeling of paranoia – and that I had been trapped.  As I heard the chattering upstairs, I nervously paced, went to my bathroom and decided to lay in bed.  As I laid there, I heard strange sounds projected at me.  I laid frozen in bed, knowing that what was happening was very real, and not a figment of my imagination – which I have and will always be able to judge properly.  I have never been fooled by my imagination.  Later, some obviously fake looking commercial was transferred onto my television set from the room upstairs (That’s where my cables/internet connection all went).  It was a fake commercial for a fake product that had Emily’s name in the bottom left-hand corner – the type was too artificial looking even to be some sort of local commercial.  As the fake "CALL NOW!" screen popped up, I shut my television off and laid in bed, terrified.  The bedroom silence kept being broken by hearing feet skittering upstairs, and voices whisper-talking or laughing.  I eventually fell asleep.

Within the following weeks I searched for similar stories of abuses of power , not really understanding how people could get away with such things.  I slowly adjusted to living with these strange people in what I like to call a spook house.  They fake-coughed around me, sniffed around me, and later imitated things I did like humming to myself while folding clothes, or mumbling to myself.  

Soon it expanded.  The harassment left the house.  Strange people would ask me odd questions in public, or pretend to sniff and cough around me.  I’d see the same odd people in different places.  It built, slowly but surely.  I confided in a few people about the situation and they were questioning my sanity or trying to come up with the best possible answer they could.  I couldn’t really get any direct help on the matter.  Spring semester classes were pretty comforting because I felt so secure in the classrooms, though I couldn’t study in the house.  It was too distracting and weird.  I didn’t think the public snooping was going to get worse, but it did.  

In May, I started to hear weird noises and feel pressures – pressures of sound.  I bet some of you have heard of wackos who claim to be attacked by very real, patented weapons that the military use, right?  Well, in May, I became one of those wackos when I was certain that I was being attacked with such weapons.  They’d wake me up in the middle of the night, dance in one ear or another, run through my head quickly like some sort of wave, or distort my hearing perception briefly (i.e. my left ear suddenly picking up ALL sound around me several levels higher than my right ear, for a second or two).  I found a few conspiracy websites online that wrote about a lot of what I was going through, which was eerie.  The more I found out/told people, the weirder things would get.  I soon realized that these people were everywhere.  I couldn’t enjoy myself out in public anymore.  Strange people would recognize me and imitate me, or things that I have said in the past.  

They soon seemed to infiltrate my workplace.  I was recently laid off from my position at a University due to job restructuring.   In the Summer, a couple of student workers were employed to help with duties in the main office.  They eventually threw me enough weird hints (and smug smirks) to let me know that they were watching me.  I’d also start to be harassed sonically while at work.  The sound buggery died down eventually… the big wake-up call was finding that most if not all of the faculty and graduate students in my department knew what was going on, and that in fact they may have been the reason I was targeted for a background check, or whatever.  After I had told a few graduate students about what was going on, and gave them handouts on a particular conspiracy theory dealing with military weapons, they all suddenly started exhibiting strange behavior – the same strange behavior.  All of a sudden the graduate students, some of the faculty members, and a few of the staff members in my department began sniffing around me, fake-coughing around me, clearing their throats around me and mocking me by repeating things I said on a regular basis and integrating them into conversation.  

My lease from the spook house ended in July and I moved in with my mother out of trust for nobody else.  Now that I am living here, I am fortunately spared a great deal from sonic harrassment – though I get it in sporadic, subtle spurts now and then.  Subtle, thankfully.  

However… moving has reaffirmed that there is a very real system of secrecy going on in this country – and probably the world, who knows – that deals with the harrassment of human beings.  The "community" where I live now is kind of creepy, and even our neighbor  - a friend of my mother’s - makes me suspicious sometimes.  If I eat a bowl of cereal in my bedroom late at night, she talks about eating a bowl of cereal in her bedroom late at night, the next day I see her.  She pretends to be dumber than she really is – which I notice is a pattern amongst these people.  But hey, who knows – maybe it’s all just a coincidence, in her case.  You can call me crazy if you’d like to – but I wish it were only that simple.  I recently found out that the only two friends I still have are not, or were not my friends at all, but just another part of this whole thing.  And I’ve known them for 3 years now.  While attending one of their birthday parties a few weeks ago, they laughed about me, right in front of me, while not directly addressing me.  The usual tactics I’ve been seeing everywhere else – psychological bullying.  But this is when it really hurt me.  They were aware that I had a neurological disease at the time (which renowned neurologist Stephen Reich dismissed as ANXIETY and DEPRESSION for Christ’s sake), yet they dared to joke and laugh about cellular death in my very presence.  As I vomited in their bathroom, they talked ill of me, and laughed.  "You see, NOBODY understands him, because he’s an artist!"  I’m fine now, but am still having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this.  I haven’t even listed half of the things that have happened, but I think this post has gone on long enough.

I’m so used to this new, disturbing world, that it’s totally normal for me to live in now.  Gone are my suicidal thoughts.  For a little while, during this chaos, I was fantasizing about being dead, and free from it all... but I don't want to hurt my mother.  I am still a pretty happy soul (most of all when I am alone), despite all the misfortunes that have come across me.  My spirit is strong, but I feel that I need some guidance as well.  I have an e-book on Zen Buddhism to read, but where are any other good places to start?  

What does this orderly chaos mean for us, spiritually?  What on Earth is going to happen to these people when they die?  I’ve always "felt" like a spiritual person.  I was a Christian for a few years as a teenager, but something felt wrong about it, so I stopped practicing.  I feel that perhaps, since a set of spiritual/religious beliefs was never instilled in me as a youngster, I’m more open to a general spirit-realm/astral world/whatever you want to call it.  Did I choose this for myself?  To test myself?  Is this a personal Hell?  You know, some people's pets now have microchips in their bodies so that they can never be lost again - and even some people have such chips implanted.  I imagine such things will only progress.  Doesn't this make anyone think of the Mark of the Beast?

If you don’t believe me about all my paranoic ramblings, I completely understand.  Hope I haven't wasted your time!

Hi, madsketcher.
To be honest, I didn't read your entire post, but it seems a look at principles might be useful.
From what you say, it seems life is viewed by you as physical in essence - which is always our first experiences - hence your focus on physical things.

We always have to prioritise our time and resources, of course, allocating a large part to the inevitable physical necessities, but we should also allow our minds to identify and include the spiritual dimension, too.
Indeed, life will seem very lop-sided and extremely dissatisfying, otherwise.
Could it be that you are standing at this point - looking back over the road you have travelled?

Mistakes? Of course, you are a member of that great mass of human imperfects.
Time for change? If you see the need to.
How to see what's always been there? Tough one, this. Could I suggest you ask help from a Higher Source, then be patient and persevere.
Doubts? Many and often.

Best wishes on the next part of your eternal jouney - it does get easier if a greater part of you tries to focus on the spiritual needs.




Some useful thoughts from Ralph Marston:

"Thoughts of anger attract more anger. Thoughts of goodness attract more goodness.
Thoughts of accomplishment enable you to see that accomplishment in every detail. Whatever you can see, you can find a way to be.

Thoughts of peace truly make you more peaceful. And that can lead those around you to carry peaceful thoughts as well.

Thoughts begin on the inside and quickly flow outward. The thoughts you hold in this moment will soon spread far beyond you.

The thoughts you send forth will eventually find their way back to you, yet by that time they will be much more than just thoughts. Those thoughts will return as circumstances, objects, challenges, opportunities and achievements.

Your thoughts attract more of whatever you think, because life has a dependable way of multiplying and manifesting them. So choose to always hold the most positive, enriching thoughts, and from those seeds a beautiful garden will grow."

I have to admit that I have no experiences like yours and therefore this all sounds a little strange to me. But then I went to yahoo after reading your post and found an article on UFO's
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051005/sc_nm/peru_ufos_dc
and that is strange to me too. So I just don't know. I guess I have trouble understanding why Emily would want to waste her time harassing you or anyone else? That's a big time committment.

So I guess you came here asking for some guidance? Have you read Bruce's books? He talks about PUL and how he thinks we all come to this earth experience to learn about PUL. Maybe for you the challenge is to be able to project PUL to these folks who you feel stalk you. Some people like to visualize themselves encircled by a ring of protective white light. And remember to love your self. I wish you peace.

I think the drugs are making you paranoid, or you have been doing to many drugs, and they can tell, and so the word spreads, then people starting making fun of ya. With the coughing etc.

If they aggrovate you, find them by themselves and just ask them to stop talking about it, they will be less likely to confront you when they are alone.

If they persist, just give them a good beating (or get a good beating), either way, they wont talk about you behind your back again.

Most of all though, give up the drugs... They can really screw your perceptions up.

Madsketcher,

The description of events you noted, and I did get through the whole thing - it was quite well written, is a classic tale of paranoia developing in a sensitive person.  Psychiatry has labeled this paranoid schizophrenia, when a mind overinterprets reality into a conspiracy.  We can all let ourselves go down this route if we indulge, or use mushrooms.  I am not old at 40, but in my youth, I used the same mushrooms.  They distort your perceptions, and the paranoia that develops is very real.  I can remember some good, but definitely bad experiences.  I also remember the impossible happening after eating mushrooms (which I did maybe five times in my life).  For instance I would look at my watch with a friend and it would say 330 PM.  Then, after long conversation and walking we would look at it again, and darned if it didn't say 330 PM.  Impossible!  While some see drugs

I am not sure how to help you.  There are certain medications that suppress paranoia.  I know that doesn't sound very spiritual, but they work.  Before you go down this path of conspiracies and paranoia.  Take a breath.  Relax, Realize that this may not be real.  And ask for help.

Our spirits are real, but the vast conspiracies you mention are not.  Lay off the pot, lay off the mushrooms, and seek help - with conventional medication initially until you get better.

Matthew

I was going to say (it got cut off), that some see drugs as a way to open the doors of perception, I do not agree.  The mind has to be relaxed, confident, meditative, and open to a positive experience.

Our thoughts create realities.  Paranoid thoughts can take off on their own.  Don't let them.  I am not a psychiatrist.   I know a woman though who says she is Tom Cruise's mother, and he has disowned her.  She says that cameras follow her around and that everyone she meets is really an actor, and that she is on a reality show, but she can't get off it.  And the worst thing is, they don't pay her royalties!  Seriously, she believes this.  Whenever she comes in to my office, she tells the secretaries they are fake, just pretending to type, that I am an actor, and not who I am, and that there are hidden cameras everywhere.  You can't convince her otherwise.
    Sometimes, as a joke I wanted to stretch out my hands and say "tadaaaaaa!" like I'm playing to the camera, but it is said and serious.  

Your situation is not as clear cut, but if you believe in conspiracies, no one will convince you otherwise.  

Spiritual people hit what Jung called synchronicities.  Times where things click, the phone rings, I pick it up and know it is my brother without anyway to know...etc.  Don't confuse that connection to everything with a conspiracy.

Matthew

dear madsketcher...look at the name/label you have chosen for your identity and think what you have written here.  many here already gave you their opinion and advice and all looks right on to myself as well. I too wish you well. let me tell u a little about my brother.
he used to be into chemistry and so he became what he thought was a big drug lord. he justified it must be ok, as when he was a sargent in the army, he said drugs were given freely to recruits by the gov. so they could go ahead and act against their nature and do  the "necessary" killing in Viet Nam. whatever. of course he ingested his own chemicals and quickly became paranoid that he was being followed and that there was a conspiracy to get him. he came to my house to try to convince me of this conspiracy one day. i could see by his eyes he was freaked out. he pointed to my neighbors across the street, and said he thought they were staring at him as well, even though this was the first time he had visited me. what a feeling that must have been to feel like you were being followed everywhere you go. drugs seem to make an ego feel as if they are "more important" than they actually are..others are mostly in their own world and my brother thought he was more important than he was; imagine, the whole town want you dead or alive..right. don't make sense. it's the drugs.
also you are a sensitive. you have a natural gift for clairaudience..you can "hear" others thoughts. all the more reason to get your body clean...as you cannot handle all these thoughts...indeed, most of them are blown up entirely out of proportion to the orginal thought of the owner, due to the chemicals. mushroom does what you think it does, it allows hullicination..it blows things up...out of proportion. get some knowledge about your body and your mind and get rid of the paranoia, get some good feelings going for you. I wish you well...but theres a better road. love, alysia

Hello Madsketcher:

I knew a guy who used to try to find truth by doing drugs, and he ended up drowning in his bathtub one day, while under the influence.

Drugs won't provide you with the answers you're looking for. Perhaps you might need somebody to help you get reoriented. Sometimes psychotherapy can help you do so. If you want help finding a good one, ask your spiritual guidance to lead you to one. If you stay open they might be able to help you. I don't necessarily mean that you'll hear them speaking to you, but they'll find a way.

Sometimes drug usage can cause an energy known as kundalini to be awakened prematurely. This energy will cause mind expansion and locked up memories to be released before a person is ready to deal with them. I've found that guidance from the spirit World can really help you when comes to kundalini, but you have to be open to it. It's hard to be open to it when you mess around with drugs. Plus it's good to obtain some stabilization of mind before you do so.

It's hard to determine what a person needs from an internet post. Heck, I'm still trying to figure it out for myself. But hopefully I've presented some good ideas.

I chose my username because I'm an artist...

I'm not on drugs.  I haven't been on drugs while this has progressed!  I guess I posted here looking for advice that wasn't more of the same, which is "you're absolutely wrong in thinking this is real, no doubt about it."  How do you KNOW that I'm wrong?  The thing is, you don't know if I'm wrong.  So, secret societies can't exist?  They have.... Do you know about Chinese Tongs, and stasi police from World War II, etc?  All I've done is seen a lot of bizarre patterns from a lot of people, and that doesn't include weird sounds.  

I really hate it when people tell me that what I am experiencing is not real - I suppose there is no way to prove that it's really happening.  I can understand WHY you're saying that the best answer is mental illness/medication, but I KNOW it's not!  I can't even tell you how much it hurts to hear that... There's a woman who came into the office where I worked, while these strange things were going on in my life.  She asked for us to make some copies for her teacher.   She was lying - the copies had nothing to do with her class - she was trying to spread the word about people who were using microwaves and mind control on her - we of course, told her that we couldn't copy it and dismissed her as looney-tunes.  She used to be in the military and claimed to know things that she wasn't supposed to know.  Anyway... at the time, we called her fruit loops and went about our business.  Even though I was going through some weird stuff at the time, I wasn't experiencing anything like she was.  I would certainly never call it "mind control" - but I did eventually start to feel strange things at my home - frequencies that would expand, pressures, etc.  I eventually started to wonder if this woman was in fact telling the truth.  So essentially, I really *can* understand your viewpoint on the issue.  I was there... but I digress - this probably isn't going to change your opinion!  

I never cared about conspiracy theories, never thought about them - I'm not that kind of person.  Let's say what i'm talking about is not even a "Conspiracy Theory" - it just IS, and I'm a recluse now because of it.  How can I expect to even go out in public anymore?  How can I reach my goals?  I can't.  And didn't I mention that I'm wasting away?  How could people make fun of that to my face, why would every graduate student and faculty member in my department suddenly start to violently (and exaggeratingly) cough, sniff and clear their throats around me, EVERY time they were around me?  I even recorded it with a digital recorder and let my mother listen to it after telling her about it - it's real, I'm not the only one who's witnessed it/heard it.  When I lived in the spook house, someone in the house hacked my computer (we were connected on a network) - and it took $100 to get it working again.  My mac's cursor  moves itself once in a while (slightly shifting, moving across the screen) - usually when I'm doing something of importance. It has, since I moved into the spook house.  My mother has seen it before.  She has seen/heard some of these things, but she can't understand what I'm going through - she will never understand and therefore just blocks it out and goes on with her life.  After all the stuff I have told her, she just pretends like nothing is wrong.  I can understand that but I can't tell you my frustration.  I am completely alone.  And I'm NOT taking anti-psychotics - at least not long-term.  The psychiatrist I see (for straterra) recommended that I take them for a couple of days - I may humor her and do just that, but there is NO way I'm staying on them.  I'm not going to take something that makes my already weakened cognitive abilities worse - I did mention that I have a neurological disease.  I guess what I hate hearing the most is that drugs = mental illness, and it's simply NOT that easy.  I know enough about myself to know that i'm not hallucinating.  

I came to these conclusions after piecing together bizarre events that grew and grew, without my knowing what they were.  They just are - I shouldn't have even used the term "conspiracy theory" because of it's negative connotation.  It just is, and let's say I did kill myself because people were really torturing me... what does that mean for my spirit?

You will never fix your problem until you see it as a problem.  Part of functioning in a society is to be part of it.  Its true that many brilliant people don't quite fit in as normal.  

If you persist in assuming conspiracies and refuse help, be it psychiatric or other, then there is nothing any of us on this forum can say.

Trust me on this though.  I know.  People who have never known depression sometimes don't admit they may be depressed even if they are elderly.  People who may have mild paranoid ideas, yes a form of schizophrenia, can't admit it to it easily.  

I can not imagine what a soul would go through making a transition in this confused state, but it could not be good.  I would not contemplate the negative like that - you would not be escaping anything.

I would recommend the advice of a psychiatrist, that mild antipsychotic medications just until with other therapy you felt that you were over these delusions of conspiracy.  

And hey, I'm coughing and sniffling as I write this, but I have a cold!

Matthew

 Hi madsketcher,

I'm new to this particular thread...  I don't know if what you are experiencing is real or unreal...how could i possibly evaluate that...

 But i agree with some of your last post... there are a lot of things going on (some not so pretty) that we don't know about, and most wouldn't even care to imagine...  There are people in power who LUST after power and wealth so much as to become Lust and Greed incarnate, and little else ever enters their consiousness....

 Yet, this is looking at it from more of a material way, and there's always 2 sides to a coin...

 We are at our essence, Energy Beings, each with Potential for great Power, Light, and Love...

We create our own Realities through either conscious intentions and/or through the general Law of Like attracts Like, which is often, for most people largely remains a Subconscious process...
The more one becomes Love in action in their daily lives, and the more they seek to better themselves and their relations to others--the greater their Conscious abilites to manipulate their own reality, the greater their overall power...

 We as individuals can choose not to experience these darker realities, but we often choose them to learn something about ourselves and sometimes about others....

I wrote,  
Quote:

But i agree with some of your last post... there are a lot of things going on (some not so pretty) that we don't know about, and most wouldn't even care to imagine...  There are people in power who LUST after power and wealth so much as to become Lust and Greed incarnate, and little else ever enters their consiousness....

I should also add that person who becomes so selfish, and materialistic also is always a person who experiences a very deep and pervasive fear on some level or levels....

 So these people because of their intense fear, ever seek more control over others... and throughout history they're have always been personalities that were very good at this..like Stalin, Hitler and his various Nazi cohorts...

 One might even put much of a certain political party in the U.S. in this category... Fear, fear, fear, and more fear...

 But keep in mind my sensitive friend, that the only thing to fear is fear itself and people like you and me--came here now in this momentous time cycle to heal the fear and separation...

 Don't worry so much about your physical vehicle, whats the worst they could do, destroy it?  Big deal if you believe we have a soul...  I tell you this, because what we fear intensely and consistently often comes upon us, because we create that reality for ourselves...  

Don't worry about the children who have material power, they are just that children, they really don't know better and they don't have any spiritual power..   Better yet, have compassion for them, because they are certainly suffering inside much more than you or I, they just don't show it.  The degree of suffering is always inversely proportionate to how much a person thinks of self over and especially at the expense of others.

If I were you I would solve this problem the only way it is possible.

If they’re so powerful like you describe then, so go out and live your life pretending they simple doesn’t exist.

It will make them all crazy they will spend all their time guessing what happened – “that guy seems no longer being under our control”-, -“our devices must be broken- “  

How about?  

Be brave try it I can assure you that it works, just try and see what happens.

Go to parties, have a grill friend, go to the movies, try to show how you feel happy, free and confident.

It will blow then up.

Trust me.

Hey there, Madsketcher....I read thru your entire post last night but it was really late....3am...and just too tired to write a reply.
I can sure hear your suffering in the words you write......all these things that are happening around you are real to you and not everyone will understand it.
I am not a doctor or anything as near as that, but I have studied pyscological disorders ( and I am probably spelling that wrong again..) both in my college studies and out of out personal interest.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety problems for a long time, brought on by hugely traumatic events in my lifetime. No one knows what it is like to suffer with illnesses like depression until they have suffered it themselves. When people don't understand it...they avoid it and not want to talk with you about...mostly because they don't know what to say or because they are afraid of making something worse.
Honestly, I don't think that it is the pot smoking or the mushrooms that is bringing all this trouble to you.....however, I do think that these things are making it worse for you.
When I was reading your post last night, right away I started thinking about a movie I had seen acouple years ago: Beautiful Minds...it stared Russell Crow. Have you ever seen it? Everything that you have written sounds just like what he went thru. ( this is a movie based on a true story)..Crow was paranoid schizophrenic and this movie demonstrated the illness from beginning to end. He couldn't see the illness in himself either (the real life person he was portraying) and everything that he started experiencing was around the same stuff that you are talking about. If you haven't already seen the movie, maybe you should just watch it.
Whether or not if you are just an occassional used of mushrooms, I would say that they are just adding to your trouble...mushrooms can have a bizarre effect on your nervous system for a long time......just the same as LSD...you can have flashbacks from that drug years after using it, even if it was a single use.
I would suggest that rather than look at a spiritual connection to what you are going thru would be to look at other things, as a mental health issue and then go from there. As maddening to you as the thought may be, it is most likely the most logical troubleshooter for you.
I will also add that for many people who have any type of mental health issue, it makes them real mad when someone suggests it....we all want to think that we are of sound mind....and when someone suggests otherwise, well, it kinda gets our back up against the wall. I know that for myself...
I wish you all the best...and I sincerely hope that you will at least look at the possibilty that what you are experiencing could be other than people really going out of their way to harrass you.
OK???  ;D

I would communicate with your guide(s) in whatever manner possible. They know you better than you do. And they know EVERYTHING that is going on, real and unreal. If you can't communicate with them, find someone who can. I do both. Also, the idea of "Ask and ye shall receive" is the truth. I asked for help, and I got more guides. I now have three. They even have specific purposes oriented towards the next step in my personal evolution. So, ask your guide, and ask for help. You will get it. But they can't help you until you actually ask for help.

I just want to make it clear that I am NOT a depressed person - I am usually happy and silly.  Almost always the optimist.

When I first became genuinely depressed (i.e. suicide thread), it is because something new and dreadful finally entered my life.  Later on, in the midst of all this ridiculous activity which I was seeing/hearing/interacting with every day, I found solace in my creative abilities and, after some mentoring from an artist/teacher and other support in that sense, I felt much better about myself, and still do.  It is the constant discouragement that is a problem.

To Kardec:  I do ignore it - but it's still there.  I don't let it eat me up - I don't have any panic attacks in public.  I do accept it, but at the same time, I don't leave my house much lately.  Having a slight movement disorder makes it hard enough to be in public, but eruptions of rhythmic/orchestral tactics to irritate me when I'm out there don't help.  I've been called a waste before by some of them - of course it could have been my imagination!  It's just not as easy to "ignore" as some people may say.  Fortunately, I enjoy solitude.  

I can list the U.S. patent numbers on real sound projection devices.  The first successful remote transfer of sound through someone's skull with such a device occurred in 1974 at the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research by a Dr. Joseph C. Sharp.  A lot of time has passed since then!  I'm just sayin'...

I haven't had an onslaught of sound in a very long time, and hopefully I never will again - during that period it seemed to be most likely a attempt to drive me crazy... I know better than that, though!  I am trying an anti-psychotic medication this weekend, only to humor my psychiatrist... it won't kill me.  None of this has... and they say that which doesn't kill you... you know the rest.  This is getting too soap opery - I think I'll can the paranoid confessions thing for a while.

Thanks for all of the comments, and I appreciate the feedback/support.

Rob_Roy, I would have no idea how to "ask" for help - does this mean praying?  Thinking?  Thanks for the advice.

"imaginating" would be the right word I would say.

sorry, I didn't know u were an artist. I apologize about your name now I understand. actually, it's a great name for an artist! please forgive. I also believe the voices are real. I just think the human body is not able to handle what we ask it to handle and the problem shows up in a nervous or cellular way. I used to take drugs and I noticed I did get angry and paranoid and when I stopped, so did these feelings stop. I know you think you can handle drugs and so theres no problem, but answer me why some gifted and famous people die so young from overdose? I know you are gifted artistically now and we need people like you around and I wouldn't want to think you are always looking over your shoulder when life could be giving you a big hug someday instead! asking for a guide would be like, well, just getting quiet and asking "is there someone who actually watches my life and cares? call them angels if you want. If you can hear voices you don't want to hear, you can also hear the voice of your own guide within. everybody has one..or two or more. I wish you well and hope you forgive what I said about your name...love, alysia

madsketcher,

I know a lot of people don't like the "P" word because of its association with a lot of belief systems, but PRAYER is how you do it. Guides and helpers will hear your prayer, starting with your own. It must be sincere, though. Don't play around.

If you are not intuitive (Psychic, another "P" word) or lack the ability to change the focus of your consciousness to actually meet your guide(s), then find someone who can, making sure you test him or her. Then you can communicate with them and verify your prayer has been answered and how. Worked for me. Be prepared to hear what you don't want to hear, as well as the good stuff. Guides don't mess around. And they don't argue. That's my experience.

Bob

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.  :-)  Hint, hint.

"..Guides and helpers will hear your prayer, starting with your own. It must be sincere, though. Don't play around..."
"..asking for a guide would be like, well, just getting quiet and asking "is there someone who actually watches my life and cares? call them angels if you want..."
"...If you can hear voices you don't want to hear, you can also hear the voice of your own guide within. everybody has one..or two or more..."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -

just above are some very GOOD tips. I can say that because I 've tryed it along my life and it works even if you can't listem to your guides voice as clear as you can listen to the "bad" voices.

Why it can be harder to listen to the enlightened ones?  because their vibrational level is Higer than ours and lift up usually is harder that to go down so wen we are worried, angry or nervous we tend to have difficulties to listren to the "good"ones and very often we getr in touch with the ones who are unbalanced like us.

Kardec
I thought your comments were interesting. The part about not being able to "hear" something from a higher level because of the difference in vibrational level makes sense...too much noise to get a good signal.

I don't feel like I have a guide, but years ago when I was reading Seth, the question was asked "where do ideas come from?" and "can you see where they come from?", a question I have never successfully answered. I did notice that when I was thinking things over, many things, that it seemed like there was a conversation I was either imagining I was part of or listening to. And I have never answered the question as to who the other participants may be. I guess we usually assume we are just talking to ourselves. But sometimes I wonder if this is the case, especially when an especially brilliant idea pops into my head from out of the blue. Where does that come from!

Madsketcher, I think you are looking for solace and I keep going off in another direction or two in my own mind.  I don't know the best path for you but I trust that you can find your own way if you continue to work at finding your own answers.

I don't see paranoia as a cut-and-dried pathological state. I'm not sure what is going on. Surely, something has been grossly exagerated for some people, and that makes it difficult for them to function in this culture. But what if, underneath the exageration, there is a shred of truth in what they say or feel?

John Mack built a body of evidence to show that people who thought the had been abducted by aliens were not crazy. He found consistency in what had previously been considered just, well, madness. I'm not sayin ghe proved aliens are physical beings, but he did demonstrate that the people he worked with who made this nutty claim that they had benn abducted had undergone at least a psychical experience if not a physical experience. Could there be a correlating experience for paranoia?

I have days when I go out and it seems like everyone is rude to me! I do notice if I wear my "ugly" glasses instead of my "chic" ones that this is more likely to happen, or at least I get less eye contact and it is less pleasant. What if I were particularly sensitive to this (well I am, but I mean even more sensitive than I am!) but the way I talked about it came out in ways that didn't make sense to others? I am reminded me of a line from I Never Promised You a Rose Garden  to the effect of "You don't cut bangs with a hatchet." Well, duh! But I never understood why the speaker used such an exaggeration to make a point. But I think that is a significant thing...the loss of proportion. Maybe that happens if no one is listening to the person's concerns, so it gets blown out of proportion...then somebody has to listen!

One person who has examined alot of mental phenomena from the inside is Robert Pirsig. He has two books that indirectly talk about how it feels to crack up. The first one is a classic best seller. Wikipedia lists this trivia about it:

"Trivia: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the bestseller that was rejected by the greatest number of potential publishers (121)."

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is quite a book. But it was the sequal that I was thinking about today,Lila: An Inquiry into Morals. Somewhere in there Pirsig looks at how Native cultures viewed different mental states...they didn't necessarily view them the way we do today (or view them the same tribe-to-tribe). I was thinking there is at least one tribe that viewed schizophrenia as a possibly inspired state. What are the implications of that? So I thougth Pirsig's work might interest you if you like to read (and his ideas on Quality might interest you as an artist).

ps Bruce has his name on a couple of patents. did you see those too?

Lucy:

- I think that the point here is the exaggeration. I believe that one can be abducted and that we can hear to other people/spirits thoughts. But I instill believe that such things doesn’t mean that a normal live is not possible. So it’s important to watch the self in order to realize when we crossed the line between the normal and the exaggeration. Of course it’s not a sharp line but we must try.

Madscketcher:

- Some times we get in trouble with somebody during a lifetime, then in a next lifetime if we are incarnated and this person is not, if this person is still not a lightened spirit He/She tend to work for revenge and they do it attacking the points were we are weaker. So some times you indeed have an enemy but it’s not the one you thing it is.
I believe that this is your case, somebody “not physical” is trying to make you believe that there is a conspiracy against you and you can’t believe it otherwise you will get lost.
The best choice in such case is trying to focus your mind at your guides (very often friends of previous lifetime not incarnated at this moment) in order to get their inspiration.
The only way to do it is trying to lift your vibration  (as lucy said) to over take the noisy band. The only way to lift you vibration is through your thoughts and feelings.
No one can do it for you.

Believe that they are trying to help you but you have tho reach the correct tunning to listen to then through your heart.

My impression from reading your story was that it is real, and I
got this impression right at the start. I think it is a fascinating
story and I would like to find out what is really going on.

The first thing I would do is continue your work to demonstrate
that it is real, like the tape recording. It would be good if you
had a tape recording of the fake commercial. Then, I would try to
get around you, people who are capable of dealing with things like
this, and can look at evidence objectively, like me, and who would
really engage this mentally, instead of shrugging it off.

I am familiar with schizophrenia and can tell the difference
between it and something else.  When people want to tell you that
you are crazy, let that blow by. They don't know. Maybe you are off
on a few things, maybe not. The first job is to establish that it
is really happening, as you describe, if that is the case.
You need the strength of people around you who can tell what is real
and what is not.

Emily strikes me as someone who would be capable of odd things.
She might have access to special equipment, that is being tested.
You appear to such people as someone who would make a good victim.
This could bring out in others, behavior that you sometimes see in
school children where someone is chosen as the victim. Your
sometimes drug use puts you at a disadvantage, could make you a
more vulnerable target. To defeat this, you must cease to be a good
victim. This would not happen to me because I have a
confrontational personality in such situations. I can't explain all
this in one post. But it is about being a strong person that people
will be afraid to tangle with, like me.

If this a real conspiracy, the people involved deserve to be
confronted, and that takes some preparation, and a lot of preliminary
study.

Then the idea is to find what is really going on, and who is behind
it and what their motivation is. They may be merely entertaining
themselves, or there may be more to it.

Also, there could be a paranormal element in it. Maybe you have
abilities that you don't know about yet. Maybe they can be put to
good use.

You can email me if you want to talk further.

Hey Joey,

I've been debating whether or not I should respond to your post. I've thought about and analyzed all of your statements. I have found myself going back and forth on the matter. For anyone to take you serious on matters such as these you have to be a credible witness. From the commoners eye you most likely come across as someone who is delusional. Not because of the context of the story, but rather because of the statements regarding drugs in this post and a few others that you have shared. You also have to consider the people that are going to be reading your post. If one is resourceful enough to alter what you’re seeing on TV what’s going to stop them from knowing what you post on the web. From now on you really have to watch what you say and who you say it to. First and foremost I would like to remind you that there really are no answers. There are however plenty of clues. You have the amazing ability read behind the lines. Most people’s perception is far from the truth of reality. Your ability to think and rationalize without the burden of fear is going to be crucial in your quest for redemption.

Mental Health and SA

Fascinating thread introduced by Madscketcher and beautiful sensitive thoughtful responses.

Becoming immersed in the dual diagnosis (substance abuse & mental illness) Mental Health field for the past 3 years, I am becoming more and more impressed by my client’s uniquenesses’ and less impressed by the labels placed on them for political disenfranchising funding purposes under the guise of helping them.  It never did feel right within me to put labels on people and I was always confused when I would see the division between so called sane and insane.  Like the thing about hearing voices and seeing visions being produced by chemicals in the brain as opposed to them being real to an individual who has access to different vibrational levels within/without our the physical/non-physical worlds.  Not that the brain chemistry can’t be fooled around with to the degree to where the visions and/or voices are suppressed or brought out, but the brain itself, IMO, could never be the source.  Like the thing about being obsessed with something.  I get obsessed about understanding the afterlife and get accused of being weird. Einstein got obsessed about the time thing and won a prize for his brilliant formula. Joe Sod, down the street, gets obsessed about his alien abduction and gets put into a mental institution.  Each equally obsessed or fascinated but each labeled with a different tag-from brilliant to crazy.  Each is guided by something that the imagination can be used to expand on and none alien to way humans think and operate.  

We dabble, as humans, in all sorts of things whether our dabblings are viewed as brilliant or horrible.  That’s why I love Monroe’s ROTE (the special one-3rd line down) so much: There is no good, there is no evil, there is only expression. (UJ, pg 217 & Voyage to Curiosity’s Father by Bruce, pg.257).  As for substance abuse, I can’t imagine someone using anything that alters the mind for no other purpose than to alter the mind. Duhh?  Even though its use might be limiting or dangerous.  We are all grand experimenters, adventurers, and questioners and will continue to be so as we bump along throughout our many lives. Hooray for us!!!          

Why do we insist on putting a label on others and requiring that we confine ourselves/them to that label?  Because it makes for a more efficient system-by no means an ideal system but a theoretically more controllable/workable one.  But in spite of all our attempts, the truth is that we each are so unique and can only decide the way to go within ourselves by whatever action we deem necessary with or without the guides which surround us whether the come in the forms of web sites, books, commercials, angles, or angels to learn whatever we need to learn while in the physical.

Anyhow, these are my thoughts for this time and place and I just love the way that we try to continue to share ourselves with each other and to help with no strings attached.

Love to all, Jean  :-*  
     

Jean,

The only reason to put labels on people or to diagnose pyschiatric illness is that if one maintains delusions that are dangerous, one may be a danger to oneself or others.  True, there may be genious in these delusions, or in hearing voices or the paranoia.

In C1, in our shared reality, however, people have to be able to function and interact in a normal civilized way.  I wouldn't deny anyone artistic inspiration or their uniqueness, but paranoia and schizophrenia mean that there is a real disconnect that could endanger people.

I don't believe in medicating people to create drones.  I would simply advise mad sketcher to evaluate if he is able to normal functions and tasks day-to-day.  If he can get along and feel like he is able to function, fine.  If the answer is no, medication may be temporarily indicated.  

We are all here for a reason.  If PUL is something we are meant to discover, I guarentee that with paranoia and drugs overwhelming a person, no matter how unique or artistic they may be, they will not leave this life with love.

Matthew

Hi there MadSketcher,

I had a psychotic episode some years back. I'm not saying that you're mental case either.

Just that, from my experience, there are periods when you open up or in other words become sensitive.

Then you get a lot of made-up stuff streaming in along with the real stuff. As Alysia said you're maybe telepathic (like me - just a little) but you must stay off the substance abuse, talk (just talk) to a doctor and then you'll filter out the rubbish from the pearls.

- C K Yap

Hi Matthew,

Matt said:

Quote:The only reason to put labels on people or to diagnose pyschiatric illness is that if one maintains delusions that are dangerous, one may be a danger to oneself or others.  True, there may be genious in these delusions, or in hearing voices or the paranoia.

You notice your above disclaimer really didn’t clarify much.  A person with a diagnosis of dangerous to self or others- personally I’ve never heard of that one- is sometimes hard to determine and usually it’s someone who isolates and rarely or never sees a psychiatrist.  But we do, in the MH field throw labels around to narrow the meds down, grant extra privileges, and/or fund them.  A person who is dangerous to others gets the hackles up on your back, you feel the radiation of hate and feel fearful, and you just sense something coming at you like wave.  Their anger can be permeating but then again they could be masters of deception, either way I doubt if they have ever been labeled as danger to others before they wound up in prison. A person who is dangerous to self, well that’s harder to determine except in the most obvious behaviors.  Are they the ones who drink themselves to death or the ones who manufacture crack in their kitchens? Are they the ones who always smile and have no boundaries?  Or are they the ones that say their going to kill themselves and you respond with, “That’s an option, but let’s explore some more alternative?” which they proceed to do or do you panic and have them Court Ordered for Treatment?  Which never really works unless they are looking for someone to “make” them take the meds they believe in.  As far as the Paranoid Schizophrenic label goes, it too doesn’t say much about the totality of that person because we are each so unique and I doubt if they’re any more danger to self/danger to others who are labeled or not labeled. All I’m trying to say is that we tend to put an awful lot of power into a label that really doesn’t clarify as we do into labeling groups of peoples with the purpose of division and separation unjustifiably.

I could go on about the MH field but I still wind up with the labels hinder rather than help to clarify.

Thanks for your input.

Love to all, Jean :-*  

Hi Madsketcher,

I am tagging on late on this thread because I really know nothing about professional mental health issues.  But, frankly, I think you come across as just a pretty nice person with some rather unusual ideas.  I know that in my early twenties I went through some bizarre times, experimenting with certain drugs with little discretion.  It was part of my learning process.  I always considered myself to be on my own personal path to happiness, even though there were times when I isolated myself and felt actual despair.  The point is, I survived.  

Life is not always easy, but you sound like someone who is simply looking for new directions.  You asked in your initial post for new reading materials, etc., but no one offered them to you.  Everyone kind of got all excited about your unusual perceptions and seemingly downward spiral.

I'd just say, keep focused on the positive.  See a doctor if things seem out of control but know that you are a good person and will get through this.  I'm rooting for you.

love, blink

Blink,

Right On!!! You do GOOD work.

Keep on Truckin'

Love, Jean LOL :-*

Kardac,

Don't worry about the language thing the Heart/Essence thing is always there with your communication.

Love, Jean :-*

p.s. My pc has granted permission for me to offer more than 2-3 posts. Hoorhay!!! ;D

Let’s get back to the topic. Is what Madsketcher experiencing real?
His story does match up to others. These people are also around his age. I know what your experiencing is real. I know about the other strange things that you see and experience. I'm sure you question who you are everyday. Why you? Why would they spend so much time and "money" on you? You have something they want. "They" aren't "normal" humans and either are you. You've always known you were different, now you’re starting to see? It's been a vicious circle of power and control. This war sucks. Hang in there.   ;)

Thanks Neo. or are you morpheus?

I suppose it all depends on how you define reality.  But I don't think encouraging paranoia makes sense unless you are there, on the ground with Madsketcher.

Our realities are subjective.  The vast majority of us may see reality as one way, and only a few another.  However, as a society there are certain common beliefs and laws that we all agree to and share.

For those of you encouraging Madsketcher to figure out the conspiracy of coughing and radio waves beamed to his home as a form of attack - I do not doubt that could be one man's reality.  But think about what you are saying when you encourage him to keep pursuing that conspiracy.  If you believe in the conspiracy - maybe you could help him, and independently verify that it does exist.  

If not, I am not sure that you will help him find PUL - which many on this board see as our ultimate purpose on this planet and in this shared reality.

Matthew

I'm not trying to make life imitate art here. And what he's going through isn’t the matrix conspiracy, although there are similarities. Joey aka Madsketcher, do you ever have time lapses? Do you see a lot of white Pac bell vans or cable trucks around your house? Random people standing on corners staring at you? Or younger people usually with a pen and a journal watching you? Can you all of a sudden see a complete change in the media, like all of a sudden something else is in complete control of everything. Sometimes breaking news that happened 2 months ago will all of a sudden appear as breaking news that day on a major cable news network. Or there will be some really messed up commercials, like the one you saw, that you know doesn't belong. Do you work off of a lap top? Does it have infrared? Do you see a lot of the same symbols, like maybe a triangle, frog, or lighthouse? Do you sense people around that you can't see? Do you notice a lot of Japanese or German products or technology around you. Do you sense great evil, maybe Nazi’s? Is the sound like a deep rumbleing, almost like an engine running or a Train approaching. Have you been on a train lately? These are just of the few things my research as pulled up with this group of people.  What movie could that be from Kardec?

Oy vey.  Lord have mercy on us.  Alysia, where are you when we need you?  Dave, the voice of reason?  There is a difference about being open minded and believing these last few posts.

Jung spoke of a "synchronicity" - the coming together of seemingly impossible coincidences of universal and personal forces at certain times.  We all have experienced this.  And we have all had episodes of impossible coincidences and dejavu.  However, the power of our imaginations is such, that they may take a running dive off the deep end, and pursue a tangent too far off from reason.  I am not into the labels Jean, but I also do not believe in encouraging conspiracy theories.  

Tell me, where does enlightenment or pure unconditional love come into one's life, if all one is doing is looking for hidden devices, and collusions?  We have a very liberal minded board - I usually am myself.  The "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude is usually a good one.  I don't think that those of you encouraging the conspiracy/paranoia are necessarily helping the situation.  How would I help?  I would advise the person to live life day to day - concentrate on the positive, try to go by purely objective evidence, and seek the help of others including trained medical proffessionals.  I also would avoid using hallucinogens and drugs at all costs.

The best to you Madsketcher,

Matthew

Here is something a writer from Orange County, CA wrote. I think it might help with the topic. It's called Angels In The Snow

Angels In The Snow
We are born innocent and free.
Our skin is clean,free from scars, untouched by evil and shielded by a halo of good. Fighting the currents of life we struggle to swim the deep and tranquil sea.
We rjoice in what was once loved and suffocate in what is now lost.
We believe in what we can see, percieve what is unknown, and fear the difference.
The rythm of life permeates ignorance; Sung soley by a chorus of black robes.
Our destination is consternation.
We tip toe to an infinite edge with no view, no horizon, and no promise.
Struggling for truth we incessantly seek this fictional providence.
Our utopia has been coined and contracted by the same amoral evils that strangle us all.
We are medicated by a perscribed euphoria.
We blissfully ignore the the writing behind the lines.
With every escape we fall deeper into the complex web of dictation.
We are victim to what we obtained to cheaply and esteemed to lightly.
Our glass hearts, once unbreakable are now mere sacrafices.
Were all searching for that one jagged piece of the puzzle
We search endlessly for an end to this paranoid delusion ironically called life.
Search hard we do, but find we shall not.
Every waking moment is another step closer to freedom.
The black hole of uncertain freedom we shall see in death.
One day I will soar the greatest of hieghts
One day, One way
No longer alone
I am home.

I've been reading this thread Doc, but I feel bad because Madsketcher is no longer with us and I think it was something I said about his name. I just hope he read my apology but I doubt it.
still, look at what he created here, we all just ganged up on him it seems.
we are all acting like he's still here, as if he's reading our comments..but I doubt it.
look at us...from his point of view, I'm thinking he's thinking we are like flies on poo poo, just more of the conspiracy plot that he believed in so strongly.

I don't know...some PUL is here for sure, some good words, some good thoughts, some not, but as for me, I've gotta watch my big mouth..

so if you be a lurkin madsketcher, look what you did here to bring us all together for better or worse to expose the human need within to lift another human being from the abyss of their own mind fabrications of which we all have plenty.
in the end it just boils down to we always need each other and need to be listened to so bad for what is going on underneath the delusions...
he sketched his name here but now we'll never know if he's ok...I will see his perfection then, one way or another as in the end I'm sure we'll all be just fine..we're only dreaming...and sometimes we have nightmares..thank god the sun always rises..does it not?

Alysia,

Very well and poetically put.  The sun will rise.  Madsketcher, pay heed.  You need to be an optimist by nature.  I have been.  And it drives some of my friends crazy.  How can you be so sure that things will be ok? (they ask)  I just am.  No other answer can be found.  

You have to make optimism part of your nature.  Since our minds do, to a large extent create our present and future realities, we must cultivate the positive.  This unshakeable optimism will prevail over any mind-created falsehoods, no matter how they appear.  This is how love truly enters the picture, I believe.

And for the record, people although many things are relative, in the lives we live, I don't believe that truth, ultimately is.

Alysia, I re-read your posts, there was nothing offensive there, only concern.  Madsketcher, if you read this, please respond so we all know you are ok.

Matthew

Good points Alysia and Matthew. There really is no point in trying to figure out a conspiracy. Whatever will be, will be. Good always wins anyway, so there is nothing to worrry about. I prayed for you madsketcher. I hope your ok.

wayoutwhere

That was a good post. now I agree with you ;)

Hey everybody,

Thanks for the support/ideas/comments.  I don't think anyone here is really encouraging me to "pursue" whatever is going on.  It is what it is, and while I DO once in a while jump onto a search engine to look at random conspiracy websites after getting aggravated by something unusual that happens to me, I tend to branch off and stop caring again.  

I never cared about things like conspiracy theories until all this strange activity started.  I STILL don't care all that much!  I don't really waste too much time reading up on this stuff.  I don't have a lot of patience for the abundance of information that is constantly shifting and told from several different perspectives (though many are similar to mine) and I have never been a very political person.  I've also got a bad case of adhd/laziness.  

Quite simply, I noticed an overwhelming amount of things that didn't make sense to what I was used to in a VERY SHORT period of time.  I'm not going to call it a conspiracy, but I believe in my heart that it is real and that something is happening that a lot of people do not realize.

Some things I never added to my already bizarre story: When I was working at my university position and began to notice all the grad students/faculty coughing and clearing their throats violently around me, that wasn't the extent.  They took things out of my vernacular and fired them at me at every chance they could.  Everyone was suddenly replying to anything I said with "Cool!" and "Fun stuff!" and man... it was very odd.  When I snapped my fingers in the xerox room (by myself), a faculty member would come down and do the exact same thing.  Some graduate students would repeat things I said in the day (while talking to someone else) several hours earlier.  After humming a specific tune to myself ( something MADE UP ), I'd hear a graduate student humming it with a sick grin on her face.  And the nose rubbing!  They all had to rub/scratch at their nose like coke-addicts while talking to me.  What's funny is I could predict when this would happen a lot of the time, and even make my own little "drum roll" motion with my hands as someone walked out of the main office and cleared their throat exaggeratedly.  This was all very real (SEVERAL coincidences a day or not), and I still haven't told you everything.  I experienced these same strange "tactics" or "coincidences" while going to the local gay pride social.  I recognized one of the women there - from the building where I worked at the university.  She now works in IT on campus.  She is a great mind, but was a complete bully.  As we talked, the only thing she replied to me with was "That's cool" in a strange condescending tone - like I was 7 years old - with a great big smug look on her face.  It seemed like she somehow knew something about me, and that she was testing me.  Her girlfriend let out the famous fake cough that I've been rambling about.  God, I'm not even trying to sound nuts - these are just things that I have been experiencing.  

I just want people to believe me, but I know it's insane.  All I can say is that if you really knew me, you'd believe me.

I have some kind of a neurological problem that makes my walking look a little bit funny - to the untrained eye it's easy to not notice in certain situations.  So here I am, working in a department not only full of trained, educated eyes, but also scholars on such subjects as social psychology, stigma, and social change - mobilization.  Social wars.  Look... I'm just pointing these things out!  After the onslaught I'm convinced that there's something sinister behind it.  It may also explain why everyone there was suddenly testing my memory at the time.  After being laid-off, I was not only relieved because I wouldn't have to work in such stressfull conditions, but also because I hated my job.  

I've been at home since then, and have recently been working on my art (shameless self plug: www.madsketcher.deviantart.com)... I still feel/hear strange sonic activity, but it's not really bothering me that much.  I have been taking kava kava for about a week now and it really helps.  

Also, I have been smoking pot for the last week - but it is not making anything worse.  Things are still the same here at the house (not really a big deal).  I can put up with whatever is thrown at me lately.  Fortunately, it's nothing as bad as what was going on at my last residence, when I lived with four sketchy technology obsessed hermits.  I know you're going to scold me for the marijuana use, but honestly: It's the least of my problems.  Say what you will, but it's true.  I've actually been more active/motivated with it.

This random guy lives with us now (mom's new beau) - at first I didn't know what to think of him, but on the very night he officially moved in (no furniture or anything), I was bringing up secret societies to my mother as he sat in the living room with his newspaper.  As I started to go in detail, he shut me up with a loud exaggerated cough.  Ever since then he's been getting weirder and acting stranger - testing my memory: We were talking about Bob Ross and I mention that he died... and the very next evening, after he sees me watching a television show that references Bob Ross, he asks me "Didn't he die?"  But he's a pro at Jeopardy.  

Something about him just bothers me.  He acts like a lot of the main people I've been around since all this weirdness started - troubled, quiet, depressed in some way, damned near emotionless.  Hiding something.  Mom will never know him because she's not that deep of a person... so he could be anyone, really.  I'm not afraid of him or anything, but he gives off that same weird vibe that a lot of these people have been giving off.  He's also kind of like a broken record.  *Shrug* Oh well.  I'm confident in questioning what's going on around me, and not my sanity.  It's weird, but it is what it is and I have to accept it.  My mouse cursor hasn't been flinging itself across the screen lately - things feel a bit calmer than before.    

Blah, these posts never come out quite the way I want them to.   Just want to make it clear that a) I don't think everyone is in on some wacky madcap conspiracy against me because that's silly, b) I am totally NOT a danger to myself or anyone else around me (never have been), c) I've always been an optimist, all my life... and lately it's coming back stronger than before.

Thanks again for all the words - I didn't disappear... I have to take breaks from this site!  

Welcome back MS,

Funny, my paranoid patient who I hadn't seen in two years just showed up two days ago.  Said she is on a reality TV show 24/7, but no one  told her about it.  

I tried to be understanding, but she spouted on about conspiracies.  Joan Crawford was her mother (do I see the remblence?)  Tom Cruise is her son, but does not write or call!


I tried to focus reason into the conversation and direct PUL, and when I did that she got more and more agitated (strangely enough!).  When we finished, she started rambling in the waiting room, and one of the larger doctors had to physically guide her out because she was almost attacking people.  She refuses to take antipsychotic medication.

There was nothing else I could do short of calling the police.  

I found it weird that she became more agitated and psychotic when I tried to direct PUL toward her and was calm.

Any thoughts?

Matthew

My thoughts on why she would reject your PUL?  First, tell me what that means. :)  I am guessing one of those words is "love" but I have no idea what the full acronym stands for.  Project Unconditional Love???

My thoughts on the woman's condition?  She definitely sounds like she's suffering from a mental illness... sounds nothing at all like what I experience.  I would never get to that point with what is going on (going wild and limb-flailing) - I mean, I know what people are willing to accept despite my attempts to explain what I have been witnessing and hearing since February.  Honestly, I don't really talk about it to anyone lately - save you guys on the forums.  

Madsketcher,

Please stop mentioning your drug use on the internet. Romanticizing your marijuana use doesn't help your case one bit. I really think it's time you get real with yourself. You know why people crappity smack with your head? You're an easy target.
There are people on your side. There are ways out. Get some inspiration and amend your situation.
Learn to say crappity smack it. Feel flattered that people would waste the time to try an get inside your head. Coughing, sniffing, snapping, repeating lyrics...who cares...Stop thinking about yourself all the time and try and help those that are less fortunate than you. Take the money you spend on dope and give it to a needy cause. It's not going to stop until you wise up. So figure it out. This is your fork in the road.

P.S. I've said it once and I'll say it again, watch what you say.

Madsketcher,

I meant to tell you how much I value you input. You give me a glimpse into the thought processes of anyother individuals mind and you do it so well.

Thanks for your detailed documentation of what you are experiencing.  Reminds me how varied we are on this space ship called Earth.  You teach me much.

Love, Jean :-*

madsketcher,

My friend, the last time I bought a yellow sports car I thought I would be the only one in my town to have this model (and bad taste), gheesssh can you believe about 20 or thirty people went out the next day and bought the very same model and colour, and over the next month another 30, in fact I bet you tomorrow you see more yellow cars than you have before (seriously and they are not part of what might be). However you need to break your pattern, your looking for it (if true or not it is actually totally irrelevant) thats not what this is about, lifes throwing you a strong learning curve to see how teach you what you need to learn, to be the improved you, as what we focus on, in reality or anything, is what we see, what I mean by this is, close your yourself in for a minute, breath, "know whats going on it's physically happening, and yes it is, however its to do with your interpritation, of what it means, there coughing, yeah, and the rest of it is too, however whats the intent of these actions, and whats going to happen, you havent mentioned it and it is 3am here I have read all the thread, all your quotes etc, however you never mention whats going to happen, what are they going to do next, or is this it, and your worried about it, as us just confirming it what does that mean, I feel  fear is the unknown, and to beat this, what ever you think will happen, may happen, and it could, but regardless, to crush the fear in yourself, and move on to your next learning curve, as this is obviously the issue, I think, simply put yourself in that position, and choose the solution, I mean this, if you get a guy scared of confined spaces, ask him why ?, "why you scared mate" he usually answers well, I''m trapped, and will be trapped forever not the fact its dark and painless physically, just mentally, therefore controlled by the mind, as it could be totally light up, and to most quite roomy, the fear is the unkown in the mind  (more time off the drugs gives greater control, as thats whats needed, and not just a month or two a few years, unless your different and have more abilty than most with your mind then its as long as it is), in his case, just a case of believing, okay yeah you get trapped, and believing after a certain period, you'll die and therefore ,ove on and your confined space that you had been trapped in will no longer be able to retain you, eg you will become unstuck. and if he believes strongly enough, the fear is released.

So okay, your caught in somthing, you dont know who to trust, you want people to believe, what is it you need from us, and ask yourself if they confirm it, and I mean we prove your right , or you find someone to trust WHAT CHANGES ?? seriously what changes. so Im asking you what are they going to finish with, whats their plan for you, its not just ot anoy you, and we need to know their INTENT ? back to you ----

Hi Bebop-Welcome,

It’s funny what you said about the yellow sports car(s).  It reminds me of when my husband and I first moved to Florida.  At 57 years old, it was also the first time that he had ever lived away from his home state.   He became very focused on pointing out every car that had a Jersey plate on it and comment that now that we had moved there, the rest of Jersey came too.  I laughed because I didn’t think it was due to the fact that there were so many but that, 1) Jersey at that time was one of the few states that had to have a license plate on the front and back of their vehicles, 2) He could recognize the plate from a distance because of living there so long, and 3) that he may have been intending to get confirmation that there were many familiar folks around so the place did not seem so alien.  He may have been right about great quantities of Jersyites coming to Florida or not, it is beside the point, his intent was a harmless enough exercise and it did help him to feel supported in his decision to move.  

I’m in the process now of focusing on  “A Unicorn Named Georgia”.  It started when I received a 20% off coupon from the Monroe Institute in early October and decided to purchase AUNG poster and matching CD for my granddaughter and daughter-in-law’s birthdays (one day apart). My intent was to send a joint gift to facilitate in helping to repair a poor relationship I have with my daughter-in-law, link the three of us together, plus pass on a hemi-sync sleep CD for the whole family’s benefit.  In return, I received a wonderful drawing done by both of them with a picture of Georgia in the center with the letters dna under the Unicorn (refer to DNA thread).  Then I sent a thank you back and felt all of our intents had paid off by producing a little more healing/love in this difficult  relationship. I thought that was the end of Georgia the Unicorn and sort of missed warmth of the exchanges.  But then, last week, I received a post card including a discount in the mail from the MI announcing that they will have a booth this weekend at the Convention Center, a short distance from me.  But on the other side of the postcard was, Yup, you guessed it, a reproduction of the poster I sent my granddaughter, Georgia the Unicorn.  So the game is still afoot by my choosing to focus on signs which all stemmed from my intention to strengthen the love bond between we 3-generation group of women.  Now I realize that I could choose to seek thoughts that dwelled on my perceived feelings that she dislikes me and feeling trapped in a bad relationship and that there was nothing that I could do about it.  And then glean out of communications with my son anything that would feed the distance and negative aspects of our relationship, because I’m sure some could be found or distorted to fit.  I used to do this when I was younger.    

But, as you well know Bebop, that ain’t the way to go because we’ve learned from hard experience that the payoff is lousy or limited at best.  By focusing on the possible or real negativity of those around us, we don’t get the good feelings that result when choosing to focus on our own or others loving intent.  It doesn’t even give the support that my husband’s license exercise gave him.  But mostly, it isn’t as fun. But you’re right in suggesting to madsketcher to follow through with his focus because that’s where he at right now.  But if he chooses, as you suggest, to move past this mind set, first he might start by accepting that what he is experiencing is real and recognize the patterns. Next he can move on to questioning the intent of those he suspects of doing the actions, play with that a little including asking them what their intentions are, then follow it up with asking himself what’s going to happen and finally what am I really afraid of.  If he has the motivation and/or courage to do this, he may wind up getting a good belly laugh out of it or at least finding himself a little further out of the maze.  Because he is the Master of his mind, as we all are, and can choose to look at the so-called worse of intentions and fears and even stay within the confines of feeling, seeing, and hearing all those yucky feeling, knowing nods, and negative confirming coughs till we follow it through to the other side, we can change our mind through re-focusing our thoughts because we can choose the contents of our minds and have the power to block what we do not consider worth focusing on or listening to.  But not everyone holds that belief.  You’re right, it’s a learning curve and we all need to do it at our own speed.

But then again, as I sit here with my husband, he is trying to remember what the thing on the desktop is called.  He starts by telling me it’s a speaker thing and then wants me to turn it on.  I suspect he is talking about the TV to the right and down closer to the floor but he is pointing to a small alarm clock above my head.  He can correctly name all the other items on the shelf except for this one.  Then he starts to come back again and finally remembers it’s a clock and that he means the TV to the right.  All is settled again but he starts to forget that the clock is a clock and struggles to remember what it is called again.  I ask him what it does, and he states, tick tock, tick tock then he comes back to remembering its correct name, a clock.  It’s as if the wires in his brain are crossing as a result of having a urinary tract infection.  This entire transaction lasts about 10 minutes.  So much for being the master of our minds when we are ill.  

But from a larger perspective, he is still loving and has loving intentions but is now working with physical chemical challenges that mess with the connections to language.  If he had not spent most of his life attempting to make things better for those around him and to share his love, I doubt that he could hold this loving focus from within his being.  It’s who he is and I love him for this.  He questions how I can love him now that he is making more work for me and that he is limited in the things that he can do to help.  I explain that the reason I love him is not because of the things he does but who he is at his core, which he has lovingly shared with me throughout the past 21 years.  I’ve learned this about love, from him.  

Happy Veterans Day to all you war vets including my sweet Korean War vet husband, Mac.

Love, Jean :-*    

   

Jean and Bebop:

I'm not quite sure what it all means but have a few ideas...

I think it was first a tactic to fool me into thinking I'm schizophrenic and/or kill myself.  The jist of all of this harrassment is that I'm a waste and shouldn't be allowed to live in such a society.  It's been said in many different ways around me, several times.  

I think things shifted when they realized I wasn't completely worthless.  My creative side came back once I was living in the spook house, and I even found a mentor for a brief period of time.  So now, the more optimistic side of me thinks that in some strange way whatever forces behind my harassment are possibly trying to scare me into being a more productive member of society - by using the talent that I have.  

I've also been reading more threads here lately, and I've questioned whether or not I'm in a hell.  I didn't mention that I recently found out two friends of mine are not only involved in whatever secret society hooplah is going on, but they were never my friends to begin with - they kept me close as some kind of project.  At one of their surprise birthday parties a couple of months ago, a few hours after present-giving, cooking and drinks were to be had, one of these "friends" randomly brought up cellular biology right in front of me.  She thought it was hilarious how some people's cells died (i.e. having a neurological disease).  This was, for some reason, really funny to everyone at the table.  Laughter followed and I suddenly thought to myself "Who the hell are these people?  What's going on?"

Some of the guests turned subtly colder, and made with their throat-clearing nonsense.  Later on I became a bit sick.  While I was in the bathroom, these people were laughing and laughing out on the back porch... After leaving the bathroom I could hear the conversations more clearly.  It became clear that I was nothing more than a joke to these people. A fun game.  I later heard my other "friend" (the birthday guest) joking about me and saying some really harsh things.  I really did appreciate this person as a friend - I even painted a picture for her birthday.  I liked to make them happy - and it just feels so utterly heartless that they would do something like that to me.

I pretended to lose my memory from the alcohol and slept over there, but I remember what was said about me.  The next day both friends called me, concerned to see if I made it home.  CREEPY!  I've talked to one of them a couple of times since then.  

I have been friends with these two women for three years.  We've hung out many times, I've helped them move, and they've helped me move.  I can't understand why they'd keep me so close when they despise me.  One of them even invited me out to a concert recently... as if nothing happened.  I declined, naturally, as I was trying to make sense of all this.  As of now, a part of me wants to go over there and see them again... to be a loving person.  But if I'm not interesting enough for them, being a loving person simply isn't enough.  Should I try and be a friend to these people, while knowing their true feelings?  What I want to do the most is go over there, take the gift that I spent three hours on away and leave their house, never looking back or speaking to them again.  But that's the vengeful, spiteful part of me.  

This certainly feels like a Hell because there are countless people who are in on it.  I've wondered if there was some sort of mass mind control or hypnosis involved.  It's technically possible.  Who knows.  

I just want to say that these threads are very inspiring.

Madsketcher,

It’s true that many people around us can be very cruel and it’s sad thing that anyone who is a little different than the majority are sometimes judged as defective and in need of special attention.  But it’s also true that you are a valuable individual, no matter what negatives you are hearing from others in your mind.  Some sensitive souls, like yourself, have trouble blocking or discounting other people’s opinion of them, verbal and nonverbal, and instead take everything, especially the negatives, to heart.  Many of us feel bad about ourselves and have trouble remembering that what is most important is to move from being concerned about what others think of us onto considering how we can comfort, merely by a smile or kind word, those who are in the gripes of self doubt or what they consider hell.  

I was glad that you reported that a shift occurred in realizing that you are a worthy individual, because you are.  I’m very impressed by you ability to write your inner experiences on this board as well as being able to create works of art.  Some not only can’t write about things that are going on within but also don’t have the ability to seek and find an audience in a safe place, as you have.  Your pretty cleaver and I mean that with all due respect.  You’re on the right tract by coming to this board and realizing that you're worthy and creative!!!  And yes, sometimes we are motivated by a negative experice. But hang in there and try to reach out to your friends in spite of what you sense to be a non-loving intent because as you work on your project to become more loving, I don’t mean by giving them things, but by realizing that they too have self doubts, you may find that your starting a positive conspiracy.  You’ll feel it in your gut as strongly as you do the negative conspiracy but it will feel good instead of hellish.

Love, Jean  :-*            

Madsketcher,

Nice to see your still reading this thread,  and I trust you’ve had a fairly relaxed day. I have read your reply and also jkeyes great words and understanding.

Your more lucky than me, and it seems get to go to quite a few parties etc, when your at a meal look around you and see how people mirror those with them, I use this to tell if it’s a couple or just friends very useful if your single, as couples if close will tend to copy the other one, look at their legs are they crossed, do they have their elbows on the table, they usually drink their drink at the same time too, its cool when you look for it, I also do it in cafes, and it also means when you introduce yourself, or join them, mirror them, they’ll accept you more on a subconscious level. Neat little trick.

as for being interesting, I believe your someone that listens to others and have been told before you’re a good listener, so again, to be interesting, be interested, as humans we love to talk about ourselves, and with an audience all the better, to be interesting be interested.

I’ve mentioned before of similarity and I’ve had a period of time not too great, and relate to your filters of the world around you at the moment, one day I  made a decision to be able to get 100% proof that people where doing the things they were doing, by learning how to read body language, eye accessing, this helps me to spot lies, (really cool to know)
http://www.manifestation.com/neurotoys/calibrate.php3
this link is just a tip of the ice berg, and then you can turn round and confront people and ask the right questions, like about the coughing, its really cool to know, in fact it was the start of a little journey of mine that lead me here in a way !! when I think about it, you are actually either very smart, or lucky, I think both to be honest !
;)