Dear all,

Basically, I won't have much to tell this time. I did 3 self-retrievals, because I felt incomplete at some level.

After the 2 first self-retrievals, which left me unshaken and completely in control, I still had the feeling of a gap inside.

So I went for a 3rd self-retrieval. It was about 10pm, so I thought I still had time. I launched Bruce's CD's and went for it.

I simply clicked-out. I woke up at midnight, not remembering one thing, except that there was a small kid in my encounter, on the swing, and that's all.

After that I had a nightmare that night. I saw the eyes of a terrible monster (with orange eye-lashes), trying to get me. I was a strong being trying to close a door with bars. But the bars always stayed open to much for me to protect me.

In the end, I saw the monster on my back. It was saying: "Now, that I got you, I stick with you." I tried to shake it off my back, feelings its weight and grip, but then I felt it bite me in the neck. I woke up feeling the vibrations of the bite and the places of its grip on my back.

I thought : If I had been more conscious, I would have requested a clearer sight of this being. I also forgot to love the being. Waaw, I clearly felt this.

I immediately fell asleep again and had a dream about me having to save children. There was an expected danger, and we had to protect children. I was carrying 5 children to a beautiful centre, where they felt peacefully asleep. There were nuns. And I had difficulties making out if these nuns were real nuns or rats, but these nuns were working with the enemy and a very large group of people arrived to trash the centre. We kept the lights down, hoping we were wrong about there intentions and that they would just pass by, ignoring us. I clearly expected something dangerous.

I already had other dreams in which children were in danger. I don't know what this means.

This morning I woke up. While I was wasking myself, I felt like a needle in my core. A pinching feeling. Later, I got the feeling that I had difficulties breathing, like if something was stuck in my lungs and I still felt a weight in my core. But I cannot identify this.

I feel more complete now, but at the same time I feel sad and heavier. While I write I feel pain in the spine and hurt again and while I talk about the hurt it amplifies, spreading.

This is strange.

With Love,

Blue Shine

Wow, you change your profile as often as some people change clothes. ;-)

It sounds to me, just my opinion now, that you have many more aspects of yourself as a child that you need to retrieve. The pain you are feeling sounds to me like blocks you have regarding these 'stuck' aspects.

with Love, Mairlyn ;-)

agreeing with Mairlyn, you are in process of retrieval of parts broken off from your memory; they are depicted as children. a good self retrieval would take me anywhere from several months to several years to have closure on. I would start talking to the child on the swing of which you had a clear image. something happened back then. a decision perhaps. just see yourself taking her home with you to"raise" her. things will unfold more definetly from there. sending caring thoughts your way. love, alysia

Thanks to you all,

I think I lost a part of myself so early, that I don't even remember what I lost.

The fact is I can't name it. It is a mystery.

I like to name things, because it is my way to bring things into awareness.

I have the feeling again I am missing again. I am starting to wonder if I haven't been completely shattered to pieces over the years.

We never treated emotions at home. We always had to be stronger at all cost. Nobody would never ask you if you were OK, if you were feeling fine doing something. All that mattered was the result that you would reach your physical goal (like succeeding, being the best, earning more money, never show you are hurt,...)

In the end I did not feel like myself anymore. I ended up looking in the mirror telling myself : This is not me. Where am I? Why do I act like that?
I started searching around for the cause and the solution of this. I would have done anything for somebody else telling me they'ld love me, or just tell me that I am worth something on this planet.

I think I am happy to do self-retrievals. But the un-closure is so slow, i feel I am not working fast enough. I feel the answers are like held back.

I should feel more comfortable, but I don't.

With love

White Feather

I think you are about to do some self retrievals and so I want to help you. I will post my first retrieval of a fragment of myself that broke off when I was around 3 yrs old. I hope I am descriptive enough that u can get a feel for what to do. it's actually a way to love yourself. so I think you can pick this up. see you on the other thread. hang in there love!