Dear all,

I wish to thank you all again for being there. Thank you Blink, Spooky and all others for your loving words. I think I am a seeker indeed, but I think now I seek to push myself through something.

We never talked about our feelings at home. I spent 2 years, full time, putting a word on every feeling I felt. I did that on my own, so I am happy when you tell me I do it well.

I have come to some conclusions while talking to you. I would like to share this with you, but as an introduction, I would like to tell you my dream. I talked about my dream in part 3. I had another dream tonight.

I had difficulties falling asleep, because I sensed evil, dark presences (I don't know how much, but I sensed 3 or 5, all around my room) around me and that was frightening me. They were blaming me, telling me that in exposing my fears on this message board,  I had shown them how they could destroy me. Like if I had invited good people, but also less good intentions at the same time.

I felt so much fear. I was so tired. I ended up falling asleep anyway, but kind of restless, because this is a lot more than I expected.

I saw myself in a city, not my city, it looked a lot like London. I was carrying a red backpack with everything I needed: maps, tickets, cellphone, food, adresses of the hotel. I think I don't care if the backpack gets stolen. My money was in my pocket : I had 70 pounds.

Then, all of a sudden, I take the backpack off and tell myself. "This is too easy. I do not deserve this." And I realize I do not want to go back to the hotel, like if I am afraid to go back.

I start wandering down the street and I end up in a shop looking at jewels, beauty I am not interested in. I have money, but there is nothing I want to buy. I am afraid and I feel lost.  

Then I end up in some kind of a gym-class. I climb up a rope, to be close to the ceiling, to hide. I hang at the ropes and I start thinking that I am not reasonable, that my feelings have taken all control and that I have become some kind of wild animal, only responding to instincts. I try to scare people. I make faces and stupid gestures. My soul broadcasts : "Look at me. I am not a human being. I am an animal, do not stay with me. I could be dangerous."

Then I calm down, and I continue to wander. The night falls and I am scared. I walk alone and I want to find my backpack and go to the hotel. I see two people and ask them for directions. They start explaining me things, but I tell them I do not understand what they say, because I need to visualize/to see things. I ask them if they can show me on a map. They take a map, but the map contains more names of shops than street-names. It is not clear to me. I do not find the hotel. I start searching for my backpack where I left it. I hope it is still there.

I have been thinking about this dream.

Now, I made some thoughts about that.

1) I always thought I did something wrong in a past life. I think I have been punishing myself for that by throwing away or leaving behind opportunities.

When I was a child, I had the feeling I had not entirely consciously chosen this life. It was like I said to a Helper : I have something to learn, but I do not know what, so chose a life with me. Then he might have showed me my life and I would have told him : "You gotta be kidding. This cannot be the best for me." and he would have said : "DO you want to learn? Do you thrust me?" and I would have said OK, without feeling entirely secure.

I was thinking constantly in this life: I did something wrong in a past life, this means I must be bad. But I am not sure, maybe I was good, but acted bad under bad circumstances. I have been wondering all along if I was on the evil side or on the good side. Finally, I came to this conclusion :
I do not know what I did in the past, but if I am fighting this hard now to do the best for me and others, I cannot be a bad person, which means I am good, which means I am on the good side, which means I can forgive myself and love myself.

2) Second conclusion: Even if I were bad or terrible, how can I ever give unconditional love to somebody else, if I cannot give it to myself. So even if I were bad, if what I want is to change for the best, I should simply be loving and learn to express this love better in physical life.

All this time, I forgave and loved everybody around me, but I never applied this to myself. It is not right.

These are my conclusions for now,

With much love,

Wanderer

PS : Why can't I never seem to find hotels or places to stay in my dreams? Why do I keep wandering?

I think I always searched for some one to give me a reason to love myself, but even if you give a person a 1000 reasons, what matters is what that person believes/thinks of itself.

When people love me, sometimes I think : Why the hell do they love me? I wish I could see that.

I think I am being very hard on myself, but there is still an area that bothers me, which I will talk about in my next post.

With love,

Wanderer

As I continue to think about this post, I realize I am worried.

I mean, I learn a lot here, but this knowledge is still superficial to me, like if some knowledge you gives me lacks funding inside myself, even though I am sure it is the right way.

I would like to keep all the good knowlegde in the core of my soul to be sure to take it with me in a next life.

I think I am seeking to strenghten my core and elarging whatever consciousness is around it.

Just for you to know,

With love,

Wanderer

It is funny, because I posted this dream to ask you how to vanquish when you feel evil spirits are around you. And now I forget to ask that.

Does anybody has any idea?

With love,

Wanderer

Dear all,

I continue to think about this evil/darker spirits being in my room, before I was asleep.

I think I can be more clear. I felt they were looking at me, with some kind of sadistic pleasure. I felt their eyes. I got a view of dark shapeless robes hanging around them.

Then I felt waves coming over me, but it did not feel like love. It felt like an energy-blast made to enhance the fears inside of me.

I think it is important I mention this, because I felt the fears inside of me were stirred, yet I was not doing that. I had decided to leave my fears aside to search for peace and whatever sent me these waves, was awaking deep negative feelings inside of me.

I also I am sensitive to what somebody or something broadcasts, like its most general thought, the top of the iceberg.

I sensed different thoughts.
The one that said, we know your fears because you wrote them on the message board was the strongest.
Another thought I felt said: By exposing your fears and negative traits you showed us that you are one of us and we are here to proove it.
Another one thought: I love seeing this torture.
Another thought : We are so many here, we are going to succeed.
Another one thought: If she looses this battle, she will lose faith in herself. It will weaken her.
Another one thought: While exposing your fears, you stir in the fears of others, therefore you have prooven to be one of us and that is why you attract us.
Another thought : You are alone now.
Others were hiding behind the strong thoughts. I did not see them, but I felt them being smaller.

I cannot shut down my broadcast, because I am open to all energies, the good as well as the bad.
I think they came to torment me and I sense somebody is toying with me. I need to strengthen.
Your input would help me alot.

With love,

Wanderer

Wow,

When you ask people their hobbies, they will say : fishing, painting, etc.

When people ask me if I have a hobby now, I can say : Oh, I just fight evil ghosts at night.

It is time, I start doing things normal people do.

With love,

Wanderer

Its kind of ironic, I think.  The one thing you seek..is the one thing that will vanquish the evil that you are feeling around you.

This "evil" is a darkness..and the only way to get rid of the darkness is with light.  The light of Pure Unconditional Love.

Accept yourself for who you are.  You don't need "reasons"..in fact, the only "reason" you need is because you are you, unique in your own way.

Rejoice in that!  Celebrate it!

You wander because you are searching for you..you can't find a place to stay, because you already have one, within yourself.  Accept who you are, and you won't have to wander anymore.

Hello again,

Thank you Shirley for your lovely input. I think you are right, but all along I feel people telling me to love myself and I am sure you are right, but there is still something I do not understand about life, which I will talk about in a new topic, because it is a long thing.

As I am talking here, I feel myself thinking. I intend to love myself, as soon as I can solve my next issue in my next topic. I already said that old habits are difficult to get rid off, so maybe I am gonna get rid off this saying to start with.

So, the thing you said, accept who you are, that is very good you bring this up. Because I think I have accepted who I am, but there is something terribly bothering me and that is like an obstacle to the fulfilling of my goal.

I will just launch my next topic.

Wanderer

But see..let that "thing" go.  Its like those Chinese finger things.  You put your index fingers in each end.  The harder you pull to loose them, the tighter they get.
As soon as you relax and do what seems to be opposite of the logic of it, that is, push instead of pull, give in instead of fight..you are free.. ;)

I am still gonna bring it up the topic, because if I sense I cannot let go on something stupid, I figure I should find out why.

I think you're have come to consciousness of something that I still have to achieve. I am really working on it.

Just continue to talk to me.

With love,

Wanderer

Hugs to you, wanderer..I too am working through similar issues and perhaps..we can both get past them.

Someone once told me that we are a mirror to each other.  We see in others clearly what is within ourselves.  Its hard to look at yourself, even in a mirror because that image is reversed.

It has taken me a long time to "let go" of those things that would hold me in a prison of my own making.

Reminds me of an episode of Battlestar Galactica (the original series, rerun)
Starbuck was in a prison with many others.  It was a very old prison, several generations had been born, raised and died there.

Thing was..it was so old, the locks no longer worked on the cells.  The prisoners accepted the prison..until Starbuck leaned on the door and realized it was unlocked.

Of course, in the episode, he led the people to freedom and was the hero and saved the day.  Not real life..just TV.

But..it got me to thinking.  Are there really locks on the prison doors?  Or, can we walk out any time we choose?

Of course, sometimes we need to remain a little longer..perhaps to learn how to overcome the next prison we find ourselves in. :)

I look forward to the next topic..I may have to wait to read it this afternoon.  First day back at work after the whole summer off.

Thank you Shirley for your understanding.

I feel I look so tough here, but it is not how I feel.

All I really want here, is to tell people I feel out of trouble. But I want to be sincere when I tell so and I am clearly not there.

I feel I am indeed stirring into matters, I sometimes wish I'ld shut up. But I am not going too, because I think everybody here has views large enough on the human soul to understand that I am not here to cause any harm.

Listen, sometimes I am kind of stubborn. Do not hesitate to repeat the same things to me several times, because sometimes when one holds on to explaining me something, after thinking a very long time about it I understand the matter all of a sudden.

I think I am being very hard in my topics on this website. I think I am being very hard with myself. I have friends, when they lack personality or are insecure, I sometimes have the feeling I crush them under my personality or else I felt crushed and I get the feeling my freedom of choice was bereft.

This is not what I want. It is so strange.

Wanderer

Hi Wanderer,
two ideas about your dream (just my thoughts):

Lost backpack: I dreamt this very often. I had found two opposite meanings, first: Lack of concentration etc., second: I leave my luggage, then I tried to find it again, but my fault is not loosing it, my fault is not to be able to let it go.

Feeling like a dangerous animal: Could it be a wish of you to say "No, I actually don't feel like helping you, got my own things to do"? If yes, try it (maybe in a more polite way).

About the bad spirits/bad voices:
My idea is that they are getting active that way because THEY do have fear. The fear of you are going to kick them out! Maybe it were no spirits but parts of your old believe system which is changing. Bruce's method is, in short, say "Thank you. You are no longer needed. Bye."

Nice dreams,
spooky

Hello Spooky,

That is so funny and simple the way you say it. I will do that.

Thanks for your advice.

With love,

Wanderer

... there is an old Chinese saying: how ever you explain your dreams, they will come true exactly the way you explained them... so, be carefull how you explain your dreams, 'couse they will come true... (((Q)))

H Traveller-

So you want to "vanquush" the evil spooky beings that haunt your dreams. OK, first., stop giving them power. If you say, "Hello," to me, and I react by worrying about it, then I have given you power. If my response is simply to recognize you as a familiar peron, then I have lost no power, nor gained any. If I not only recognize you, but wish you love and wisdom, and feel at one with you, then I have  moved out of reach of my previous fear, and I have begun to take control of matters.

Having been willing to love you, no matter what kind of stuff you are whispering into my inner ear, then I now am also in a position to consider whether I want to pay attention to you or not. Like a squawking child who endlessly runs in circles and repeats some strange phrase (For example, " Neener neener neener, can't catch me, you are an ice cube.") once we are certain that nothing is actually wrong, it's OK to let the noise continue for a while.  We are under no obligation to play whatever game it is that the child has been caught up in, nor are we obligated to worry how it might feel to become an ice cube, or whatever. "No problem, it's just that noisy kid from down the street sounding off again."

For yourself, organize your own thinking. Look into your origins. First, you were born in this life. Before that, you had other lives, all the way back to the original Beginning.  A scientist would say that the Beginning was the Big Bang, at which time everything was one thing as it emerged from emptiness. You, and the rest of the world, are the way the "Big Bang" looks today, after aging for 14,000,000,000 years or so. And everything is still one thing.  Thus, everything is still one with you and you are still one with everything, so whatever is bugging you is yourself, although this might not be obvious. (There are many thing we do that we can't immediately explain, like growing our own hair.)

Second, notice that the only things that can really be a bother are things that have a logical connection to some source of contradictions of our nature. Usually we can see the connection, so we are careful when we drive nails, so that we don't hammer a finger. We don't steal, beat on our friends etc, because these are actions that eventually return negatively to us.  Fortunately, the worst karma we make for ourselves will eventually play out. So unless we are harming ourselves, we're going to be OK. Since everything is one thing, and that is you, unless you are willing to harm yourself, everything will be OK.  And if you feel that you "Should be harmed", from guilt etc, all you need to do is confess (to God, since that includes everyone and everything) and change your attitude to avoid that problem, and go on with life.  This detaches you from the logical chain of problems.  God is infinitely forgiving, and that solves all logical reasons for harm. (Notice that this prevents the need to have fear, hence confession is a means of recovering power.)

So you now are in the position of being an eternal being, one with everything (because you always were) and accepted by God as either innocent, or trying to be, which is just as good. (Remember the tale of the Prodigal Son.) That means that you can listen or not, pay attention or not, or just ignore the whole thing when your "demonic voices" resume.  Having taken away their power, you are now safe. At that point, the kindest (and most effective thing) is probably to pray that the "demonic origins" be blessed and sanctified, and return to God. That gives you power over thm, and they have good reason to respect it, because your motives are now directed to good, even to those that bother you, which means that the balance of power has shifted to be in your favor.

Give it a try and see if that doesn't help. At first there will be a major reaction against you, and then they will slowly begin to get the message and either shut up, change their tune, or just cease to be meaningful.

d