We were discussing someone's mother on Linn's board and it brought to mind my mother in her last few years. She had Parkinson's Disease pretty bad and finally her mind went. I remember visiting her and having her tell me that people that lived in other states had been to visit her just that morning. I tried reasoning with her but it didn't do any good. I wish that I'd known then what I know now. I remember the horrible panic feeling I had over this. I was able to release all guilt just a couple years ago in a dream. (Guilt because I felt I wasn't a good daughter -- it's hell being an only child and having to take care of everything)

One night I dreamed that I saw a man pushing a wheelchair and a woman who was so skinny was in the chair but she was scooted way down. I recognized her as my mother. I scooped her up in my arms and was taking her to a hospital. I remember the feeling of there being no weight to her at all. I looked down at the tiny shriveled up woman that was my mother and I felt the most love I've ever felt for anyone or anything. It was almost over-powering. The tears were flowing freely and I felt her forgiveness. I arrived at the hospital and tried to give her to nurses and doctors but no one would take her. I kept walking and finally saw a doctor hold out his arms for her. The doctor was Maitreya. Then I woke up and had tears still running down my face.

I realize now that this was a self retrieval (forgiving myself). ;-)

Much Love, Mairlyn ;-)

hmmm Mairlyn, your saying it was a self retrieval made me realize something too about me and my own mother...bong!!!

ha ha. so anyway I was calling this a retrieval of your mother: but now I think it's a retrieval of both you and your mom...throught the power of PUL which connects us. but more than that, I just realized something about relationships..how the other is a part of you. all these years I would look at my mother and I knew I wished to have her love, but I never asked myself much if I loved her..I mean, she was quirky, really, really quirky so never thought of her and I as being family, close family .so just now, thinking about all relationships, but especially those of a blood/family relationship, they truly are parts of our greater self and if we all could just learn to come together in PUL, the way you just described in this retreival, it was like you just came right from the heart and picked mom up in your arms, I mean what better example is this of a genuine and healing retrieval? you are angelic Mairlyn, I never realized this until now. and you know what? I think I'm a sensitive, ha ha, new title there. and what I was picking up is that your mom just reached a higher level of soul evolvement because of your caring, because of PUL and your compassion you've developed in your life towards all life. wouldn't be surprised if she would come a'calling on you again to bring you her gifts.
teary eyed here, love, alysia

Thanks dear Alysia. I've tried to contact her since then but haven't had any luck and yet I feel she's there, just waiting for me to realize it. Think I'll attempt contact again. ;-)

Love, Mairlyn ;-)

You guys are so sweet; :-* sometimes we forget how much work we do at night and how much our mothers are ourselves. As I’ve mentioned before, I had a rough time with my mom  :-/ :o :P.  She was loving and all that, but her life after my father’s death, scared the bejebees out of my brothers and I  :o. But then, after her death, she helped me to work through my divorce and the loss of my sons.  Again, my decision to have their father take over was primarily due to her experience as a single female parent with no career and a limited education. Yecch!  :PBut getting back to her helping me after her death.  I had this reoccurring dream that I was back at the home I left after the divorce working on some issues-I guess my task was to attempt to tie up some loose ends with the new mother.  My sons and their father were always present, but in the background.  My son’s sending their love and their dad as confused as ever.  The key figure for me was their stepmother who, I was continually talking with.  My mom always stood in close proxemics to me offering quiet support in every one of those dreams as she did as an elder male during my “death” as a Native American woman on the east coast.  I need to add that I was not so supportative when she “died” this time.  I was very impatient, as is my nature and not very trusting and like Mairlyn, wished that I’d known then what I know now. I do remember lovingly holding her in my arms towards the end as she had lost so much weight but I also remember my desire to move on with my life.  I guess my desperation with the situation did bring my 3 brothers back from California in time for her last days.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on my self-Sorry Jean! As I look back, between January 1984 and September 1985, I moved back to N.J. with my two younger sons’ to have a few more months with them and show them where I would be, rented an apartment, bought a car, bought furniture, got my sons registered in school, and got a job.  Meanwhile, my brother got a divorce, came out gay, and moved to California.  This was devastating for my mother for she was a reader and had taken personally Phillip Wile’s book, Generation of Vipers.  Poor mom :'(!   My sons went back to live with their father, I gave up the apartment, quit my job, moved in with my mother, I started school, went to a therapist, and fell in love with my soul mate after meeting him at a Parents Without Partners rap sessions.  My mother got cancer, I got engaged, I finished two semesters of school, had my oldest son visit for Christmas, my mother died and I got married so my sons could visit more comfortably with me that summer, moved to an island in Florida.  I realize that I still left out a lot.   But still-Sorry mom!   Sometimes life comes in big chunks when going through a major transitional period.  Whew ::)!  

Meanwhile, back to my mom and her support after death--that quiet presence was the same :-* ;).  In both instances, it was not so much that she/he was sending love as my son’s were, but more that calm reassurance, “You’re ok-you’re doing fine” “Just proceed”, sort of thing.  Very different than the woman who was my mother during this life with her fear, mood swings and panic attacks followed by taking risks to get us into better living situations that never seemed to work out as planned  :-/.   It’s funny how things work when we recognize them in the altered state and appreciate a broader perspective.  She left after years of having these dreams and long before the stepmother, Barbara, died.  But by the time Barbara did leave, I suspect that because of my mom’s previous support, she was able to help me achieve the position of forgiveness and to take action to back it up for both Barbara and I.  What a teacher  ;D!  Thanks mom  :-*!

Nowadays, my dreams mostly consist of working through my day job  :P with a few tips on what repairs are needed to keep my wonderful old car going  :-*.  

My Love to both of you-keep up the good work, carry on, and I have my credit card ready for a book soon to be published.

Jean      

Quote:

Very different than the woman who was my mother during this life with her fear, mood swings and panic attacks

Hi Jean,

This so reminds me of my mother who always worried what others thought of her. It was always 'what will people say/think.'  Also, she was deathly afraid of thunderstorms. We were in Nebraska and there the storms were ferocious. I remember her pacing the floor, wringing her hands and moaning. I would get up with her and of course felt the same panic that she had. It took me many years to realize that those storms are wonderful (just stay inside) and enjoy nature's wonder.  My father never heard them as he always took his hearing aid off when he went to bed.  There was a joke around town that whenever he didn't want to listen to my mother, he just turned his hearing aid down. That was back in the days when the ear piece was connected to a thing in his pocket that he could control. ;-)

I realize now too that a lot of my other fears I used to have came from her. She was always afraid of winding roads with huge drop-offs and would wring her hands and moan then too (with my father driving).

It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with her in the afterlife. I need to try to contact my mother again, consciously.

Much Love, Mairlyn ;-)

Dear Marilyn,

I read your post and completely understand you. I am an only child as well and being an only child often means that some situations of the family-life cannot be shared or beared with somebody else.

We are so lucky to be given a chance to talk about it here.

I myself often think "if I had known". But I do not think we are here to know everything. I am kind of sorry to say so, because I so often struggle with this theme myself. It is the first time I hear about a self-retrieval.

I think it teaches me a lot.

With love,

Wanderer

Hi Wanderer,

Thanks for your comments. When I first read of self retrievals, I was amazed. I didn't see how we could 'lose' parts of ourself, but it is so very true. It's especially true in growing up. When we have trauma in our lives, an aspect of ourself can very often be left. We can  consciously bring back our lost aspects too, not just in dreaming. One of the best ways I know is to go back in one's mind to a remembered incident and see yourself as the child/even adult and tell her you love her and want her back and feel your heart open to Pure Unconditional Love. Hold the child, etc. in your arms in your imagination and feel her coming back to you. This may sound too simple, but it works. If you need to forgive her for something she did that caused this, then tell her you forgive her. You are really forgiving yourself.  Sometimes we lose many aspects of ourself. I've retrieved many aspects of myself. And I'm sure there are more that I need to retrieve and integrate into myself. ;-)

Much Love, Mairlyn ;-)