What are your experiences of being with someone while they are passing away? 

I haven't been with someone I was extremely close to while they were dying -- that would definitely be extremely difficult for me to deal with --but very recently, on June 8th at 1:00 am, my son got a call from his dad telling us that he was at the hospital and his wife was dying.  We rushed in to the hospital to be with him.  I knew that my ex-husband would be there alone and that he must be devastated and heartbroken, so I wanted to be there for support and comfort.  I don’t want to give details of her medical treatment and death because he’s having it investigated.

At one point when they were discussing whether to continue life support measures or not, I sensed her spirit coming out of the room and standing behind my ex-husband who was leaning over the counter of the nurse’s station, hanging his head and crying.  I didn’t see her with my eyes but I sensed she was there putting her hand on his back.  I sensed that she wanted to be let go even though he said she had always said she would want all measures taken to save her should it come to that.  When he asked me what he should do, I told him as gently as I could that I think he should let her go. 

And when they did take her off life support and left the three of us alone with her in her room in her last minutes alive, I just stood by her side beaming PUL toward her and nonphysically “talking” to her, basically just wishing her well as she transitions.  Then I sensed that it would help my ex if I told him he should let her know it’s ok for her to go. 

So I said, “She’s holding on for you.  You should tell her it’s ok for her to go.”  I was surprised at how easily he accepted that, and he said of course it’s ok, and so he stood up, kissed the side of her head, rubbed her face, said he loved her and he was sorry, and told her it’s ok for her to go.  Then she stopped breathing.  Watching all of this was very surreal! 

Despite all the devastation about this situation, the moment she passed away I found myself beaming a smile and I had to actually consciously stop doing it so my ex-husband and son wouldn’t see me smiling.  Even thought I was crying, I realized that I was also smiling because she had transitioned and was at peace, no longer suffering in her body and I'm sure I was feeling her spirit feeling loving, happy, and free.

Unfortunately (in my opinion) for my ex, he doesn’t believe in any of this stuff.  He doesn’t believe we have a soul or spirit or that we go on after death.  He thinks you die and then you don’t exist anymore.  It was one of the major facets of why we divorced; he couldn’t accept that I had these beliefs and he didn’t want me exploring them.  So, I didn’t tell him any of that because it wouldn’t do him any good.  He needs to mourn in his own way.

I did find it interesting though that a couple days later he told me he had a very nice, comforting dream about her.  He said in the dream they hugged and then she put on her new hat.  He even mentioned it again a few days later that it was a very comforting dream and that he knew I’d appreciate him mentioning it.  I of course believe that was a visit from her, and he said he did feel it was special and likes to think she was there to comfort him. 

Anyway, I was grateful to be there to be supportive for him and also getting to experience what I did. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, or share similar experiences surrounding someone's passing.  I think I was able to handle it "ok" because I wasn't close to her.  I mean, if it was someone I love dearly I'd be a wreck like my ex-husband was.  I was crying but that was for him, not for her.  I felt so, so sad for him 

Vicky

Vicky, it is so heartwarming to read your account of the passing of your ex-husband's wife. Having read your book I understand a little of your personal history and I am so very happy for you that your life has evolved to this state of being. I am blown away by the perfection of your experience with your ex-husband.

In answer to your question I have only been present to 2 "deaths"  of human companions which were very different from each other. I see these experiences as fine teaching lessons to me. It is only honest for me to admit that I learned very much from the journey into and out of the pain of loss in each case. I now see how all things can work out for a higher cause, even when that is difficult to understand. The understanding may take many years or be very clear and very fast.

What is so abundantly clear to me is that love never dies. I asked my deceased mom for a sign the other day, a specific one. It did appear. However, I realized later that what I was asking for was too small. It is possible to go much deeper. The message can be imbedded in a sequence of events that is impossible to ignore. There is that aha moment. Then the feeling that I am making it up. Then the realization that I could not have made it up. The universe can and does conspire to create events that are amazing, beyond what we might hope or imagine.

That is vague, what I just said. But, if I were to explain what happened this week to me it would make zero sense to someone else. Only I know. And that is okay.

Seagull,

Thank you so much.  We’ve been divorced nearly 10 years and it’s taken us years to very slowly accept what happened in the past and move forward with no longer holding any emotional baggage.  Years ago any time we talked we would both re-live so much pain, anger, etc.  But in the past year we noticed it was no longer there, and we could talk and be there for our kids without any bitterness lingering about.  We have even been able to talk a little about the things we each recognized that we have learned from the past about our mistakes, our growth, etc.  Definitely on a soul level there has been growth for both of us and that’s truly a blessing.  It really did a lot of good for me to hear him say thank you for how I've raised the kids and done such a good job with them, and to hear him say he realizes the things that ruined our marriage.  It took all these years, but it really has done a lot of repair work inside me to hear that.  As well, it's also been good for me to be able to recognize my own mistakes and to say sorry and to truly mean it.  We both see that we've grown a lot and that's good for all of us, the kids too.  I can really see how much it means to our kids that me and my ex no longer hold onto any anger.

I really agree with you that all things work out for a higher cause.  I still struggle with accepting things sometimes, of course, but I’m grateful that I have that deeper understanding and belief.  It certainly makes it easier to cope with life’s downfalls. 

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That's what I love about knowing there are people who totally get it when I talk about my experiences.  Bruce was the only one who truly understood me the most.  Sometimes I'd run one of my experiences by him just so he could help me make more sense of it, and he always magically made this light come on for me.  I sure do miss that. 

I think those kinds of experiences are the best for the individual, those that are so complex yet perfect.  Those that are as you say, embedded in a sequence of events. There's no way you could make it up. 

You know me, I love to hear that kind of stuff.  If you ever feel like having a sounding board, you know I'd love to hear it!

Vicky

Hi Mystical.  Thanks for sharing that.  My opinion is that it was your Nan trying to get everyone’s attention to let them know she was there saying hi.  It must be pretty amazing for the dying, when they pass.  I imagine they don’t always just quickly leave.  They must be aware of leaving and want to say bye.  I think that’s only natural. 

Yes, nurses and doctors who work with dying patients see amazing things. My oncologist has told me several stories of him being aware right at the moment one of his patients passes away.  He will just get a strong knowing about that specific patient, that they have just died.  Sometimes it wakes him up in the middle of the night.  I think it’s his patients saying bye or maybe even “thank you” or something. 

A week after my wedding when I was 22, there was a horrible accident in which a friend’s sister was killed in a horse-riding accident.  A couple days after her death she appeared to my sister-in-law (who was also friends with my friend)…and she asked my sister-in-law to please tell her brother and parents that she’s ok. 

mystical1707 wrote on Nov 3^rd, 2019 at 6:02pm:


I think it's because their intention isn't to interfere with our free will and lessons we need to learn.  And maybe just because they just died it doesn't mean they suddenly know more than they did while alive.  I also think that they too must be in a little shock about their death.  Just letting us know they're ok is probably a natural reaction.  Maybe after some time when they are at peace with what happened they find that they have other more important things on their to-do list.